Let's talk about forgiveness....

[MarieG]

Nataliam1976, I really appreciate your input-regardless of whether it is a positive or a negative point of view in context with this situation. Whenever I get upset or anxious I feel exactly the way you view the situation and I have felt like this plenty of times during the past year. Thank you for your input!

msshel, thank you for sharing your story and your advice! What happened with your bf and you? Did you manage to find a way to each other again?
My bf doesn't talk to anyone about his problems unfortunately. When we broke up he had told no one (even though he has loads of friends) that he was even considering breaking up with me. That is probably the most challenging thing about our relationship. He bottles everything up. He has already opened up immensely during our relationship but evidently still has a long road ahead of him. It's so bizarre because his family acts like they're really close and they go to soccer games together etc but they never ever talk about the relationships they're in or what worries them. It's like a tabu topic in their family it seems. My family is the complete opposite of that and we always talk about what is going on in our personal lifes and how we are doing. It's very bizarre and quiet challenging at times because I know my bf is a really kind, good person inside but something seems to be blocking him from the inside to really be able to express his worries and fears.

[msshell]

We did! We actually got engaged last weekend! We were apart for about 2 months - during that time I went to counseling, he came with me a couple times but was so uncomfortable with it that it wasn't really having a positive effect on him (since was essentially going for me)- he instead chose a couple of friends to talk to.... friends that were in happy marriages of varying lengths. We also had lots of time apart - we didn't see each other much or talk that much - and that was hugely helpful for him. It was torturous for me but I just kept thinking that it was what he needed so I forced myself to do other things.

In my counseling sessions we went from focusing on what was going on in our relationship to focusing on the anxiety and worry I was feeling and how to let go of it and how to be "okay" with where things were even if they weren't where I WANTED them to be. It's a tough thing....

One thing that the counselor mentioned to me that really made sense about fears of marriage is that for guys - particularly for guys that have a hard time expressing themselves or understanding their emotions - marriage can be really scary because it basically forces them to face their fears about emotions and understanding their emotions. Not that they know that that is what is scaring them - they just see this title of marriage and it scares them. but until they can figure out what exactly about marriage scares them - it wont go away.

Does he want to be more emotionally open? Does he see the benefit of it in a relationship? If so, and if he is working on it, it is a good sign, and it's important to let him work on it the way that he wants to work on it...

[mellecyn]

Hey Marie, given his history it´s understandable where he comes from !! what a family...
I don´t think you can force anyone to go councelling or talk to someone if it´s not in their nature. Going together could be a possibility as I am sure he´d do that for you...
Not much you can do except let him come to you, let him move to Europe asap. I can understand how nerve wracking the situation is, he has to win you over. And hopefully your doubts will disapear with time.

[MarieG]

Congrats, msshel!! That's a great outcome! All the best to you both!

Mellecyn, I know- he just really seems to be against counseling and always argues that he has not been affected by all of the things that happened in his childhood (yeah right!!). I hope he'll keep his promises this time and really put in the effort I need to see. Thanks for your advice!