Let's talk about forgiveness....

[shanam]

Originally Posted by mrsklem14

Forgiveness is such a wonderful thing. You are (obviously) in love with this guy who needed to be alone. Although it does sound cruel and rude of him to do, you have to remember how honest he was. It isn't like even after a few months he got another girlfriend and lied to you, he just truly wanted to be alone. It does make me sad that you had all plans for the wedding (your dress, etc.) but aren't you glad that he didn't ditch after the wedding? You both have your lives figured out now, and it seems that by combining these two lifes it fits perfectly (NOW). I would give it another chance.. you don't invest that much time into someone or a relationship and just blow a chance to rekindle what you've had. I hope it all works out for you and you eventually have the most wonderful wedding in the world <3 I found this quote and thought of your situation "We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck ... But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness." --Ellen Goodman

Good post and I agree that you are still in love with this man. Yes, he hurt you but he must have been going through some very difficult internal conflicts and insecurities and maybe he just needed the time to sort things out and realize what mattered to him. He said he loved you but needed time alone. That is way different than cheating or abuse or so many other things where the man disrespects the woman. I think as others said, you should go slowly, etc. but I am a romantic and I believe that this can be worked out if
you both discuss your feelings.
The thread " Story of a woman who survived the words "I don't love you anymore" is similar to yours.
I hope that yours is a happily ever after story too

[Regina07]

Forgiveness is a choice. None of us were in his head so none of us can truly speak to why he acted the way he did -- perhaps he was so overwhelmed with panic that he bolted. And his actions hurt you deeply. At the end of the day, tho' you are a much stronger & different person now. Life dealt you a curve ball and you raised yourself up to deal with it.

Trust in yourself that you'll make the best decisions for you -- now and always. Forgive because not forgiving is tearing YOU apart; love because your life is fuller with him in it and know the only guarantee in life is there's no guarantees.

And if you can't forgive, then decide to move on because the misery you'll create for both of you in the future isn't worth it.

Good luck!

[NoSnowHere]

I agree. He sounds very unsure. I think you're asking for heartbreak Marie if you give him another chance. Sorry.

Originally Posted by nataliam1976

You say he is a person who doesnt say things he doesnt mean. So when he told you a year ago that he wanted to be alone, he meant it. Now he means it that he wants to be back together. Are you ready to go through this again if in two years he will mean that he wants to be alone again?

[south-of-france]

Perhaps he realized what he has lost and is really serious? I wouldn't write him off yet.

[Quarks]

Hi MarieG,

I have read your past post and I truly empathise with what you are going through at this moment. Sorry, I have read the replies or updates that you might added so I am just going to give my inputs based on your first post on this thread.

First of all, you have to question why did both of you seperated in the first place. Did both of you talk about it? Ponder on the possibilities?
'I want to be alone' is a very common phrase used to break off a relationship. There must be a reason or months of anticipating something is wrong before it happens.

It is extremely great to see how both of you took off in a positive relationship and achieving many great things while both of you were together. That kind of energy is stuff that many can only watch and admire. Then something happened that tore you apart.
You have to find the source of the issue that started this.
Understanding this is the key of understanding yourself and your partner, on why a relationship, that was so strong could lose its stability and crumble to its current state.

Second of all, the trust that you have in this relationship has been broken.
You have given your all to hold the pillars together and yet, one alone could not support the weight of it when your partner decided to part ways.
You have to regain that trust again. And in order to do so, you have to find out the root of the problem that I have mentioned above.

You have to seriously consider these issues before moving on to being together or moving on to a new relationship. If not, you will bring along the burden and be bitter about everything happend has happened. Somehow or another, it WILL affect your next relationship or the relationship with him if you eventually decide to follow through.

My best advice is to talk. Communicate.
Honest communication is pivotal in trying to making it work.
If this prove to be difficult, consider professional help.
Some people may deem this as a form of weakness, No, it is not.
Seeking professional help facilitates and assists in getting out answers that you have been yearning for.
If you think this is the guy for you, why not give it a shot.

These things are never easy.
Dont live without finding out the answers as the doubts will catch up on you later and may eventually cause the relationship to crumble.
It is hard, but if you must, try and resolve your doubts and explain your feelings openly to him. It is of outmost importance that he reciprocate his feelings as well. There must be a mutual respect for each other's opinion, no matter no critical or direct one's opinion might be.
Being open can help in a relationship or it can destroy.
How both you handle such situations will determine how well both of you will do in the future.

I wish you all the best.
And I wish you well.

[moi et mes sacs]

Hi. Sorry you had a bad year. I think you need to ask yourself if you are happy now. If not, is it because you miss him? I would just say that everyone deserves a chance. I am not saying go ahead with it but if its your chance of happiness, I would definitely consider.

[Rhose]

You obviously still love him and want to get back with him. None of us can say for sure if he'll ever hurt you again though. So really, it's a matter of whether or not you're willing to risk it. You know now what it's like to go through devastating heartbreak. You also know what it's like to be with him. Which outweighs the other?

I won't make this thread about me, because it's not, but I share a lot of similarities with him. He doesn't know if he'll do a 180 again. Has no idea; all anyone can do is guess. He didn't know last October that he was going to have a complete turnaround now. I'm sorry there are no easy answers here.

He's the one who screwed up last time. You should be the one with the upper hand this time - make it that way. Do look out for yourself.

[PrettyInPink]

I will admit that I haven't read this entire thread. But, I am going to give my 2 cents anyway.

I forgave my boyfriend. (My Original Thread: What to do when it's over... And, the follow up:Confused is an understatement. )

I think forgiveness is extremely hard. It's been 5 months since we got back together. And, honestly... the first few months were a roller coaster. Emotionally, I was very raw... and things were difficult between us. It was a long time before I REALLY felt secure in our relationship again. It was a long, long time before I REALLY believed that he loved me like he did before. And, it was an even longer time before I allowed myself to be FULLY emotionally available to him. And, even now... I build emotional brick walls around myself to prevent myself from getting hurt. It's a process... the healing. And, it takes a long, long while.

If you take him back, you will blame him for what he did before. You will remember the time before after every argument... after every fight... and, you may even bring it up again and again. I know, because I've been there. My biggest advice is... if you do take him back, prepare yourself emotionally for this. And, know that it will take time before your heart will heal enough to allow him to love you fully. Also... know that it will take time before you will open yourself up to him again.

It has taken 5 months for my boyfriend and I to get to a place where both of us feel secure, loved, and happy in our relationship again. It has taken 5 months for us to fully forgive each other for what happened the night of our breakup. I don't know how long it will take for your heart to heal... but, is HE prepared to wait that long?

Please.... please try to remember, the only thing worse than the heartbreak of a breakup the first time around... is the pain of a second breakup after you've allowed yourself to be vulnerable again.

[ilvoelv]

I would forgive. Maybe he was going through something with himself and needed time, and now he realizes how much he needs you and realizes the mistake he made. I would let it go and forgive him. Life is too short.

[Zophie]

Originally Posted by shanam

Good post and I agree that you are still in love with this man. Yes, he hurt you but he must have been going through some very difficult internal conflicts and insecurities and maybe he just needed the time to sort things out and realize what mattered to him. He said he loved you but needed time alone. That is way different than cheating or abuse or so many other things where the man disrespects the woman. I think as others said, you should go slowly, etc. but I am a romantic and I believe that this can be worked out if you both discuss your feelings. The thread " Story of a woman who survived the words "I don't love you anymore" is similar to yours. I hope that yours is a happily ever after story too

I agree. Only time will tell, but the only way to know is to give him another chance. I'm feeling a sense of forgiveness too to the person in my life right now and just decided that I enjoy his company and I'll see where it goes, so I'm still seeing him despite a lot of issues. There are no absolutes and no guarantees when it comes to any relationship, but I think you just have to decide if you think your life could be better with that person in it, then it's worth a try.

[gillianna]

It seems like you have not found another person you dated that worked out so maybe the ex is better than nothing????? Perhaps you need to learn how to love yourself and be alone before you jump back in to being with someone who hurt the core of your soul and made you question yourself as a person. To have someone cause you so much pain and then just think about allowing them to do it again is something only you alone have the power to give them. I wish you the best. Yes you might have felt he was the love of your life but to me rushing and dating and expecting to find another love in a year is just too soon. He does seem to talk a good talk right now telling you all you want to hear from him but what happens when he runs again???? Will your heart be able to handle it again??????

[MarieG]

Thank you so much for your responses, ladies! I am still in the process of thinking and figuring things out at the moment! I will keep you posted!! I really appreciate all of your opinions- thank you!

[MarieG]

Hi ladies and gents,

so I've decided to give it another shot. It's quite hard though because he's in Australia and I am in Europe but he's being really kind and consistent. I am really happy about it most of the time but for the first time in my life I start worrying and get really anxious if he takes a while to respond to emails/texts or he doesn't tell me that we're def planning on spending our lifes together for few days. I have never ever been like this and it is driving me a little bit crazy. He's not doing anything that would make me doubt him but I am having the biggest trust issues and get so anxious

Is this normal? Will it go away soon? I don't want to be like this but just don't know what to do about it. I get so anxious and worried whenever I don't hear from him for like 2 days and am finding it hard to trust him. He already talked to his boss and is coming to see me for 1 month in December and wants to move here permanently next June/July. I am just so scared that things will go wrong again or that he might not move here after all. I never thought I'd be this kind of person and really don't want to be.I also don't want to chase him away with my worries and fears...

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[juneping]

^^oh marieG.. i think what you are going thru is very normal. you just need to find the place that you feel comfortable. i think for him, it's more like pick up where he left off and for you...it's more like a second new beginning.
let him prove he's worthy of your trust again. if he's moving to europe to be with u..he's properly busy just to get things settled on his end. dont worry too much...let things unfold naturally. i believe things will go well.

[bagaholic85]

Originally Posted by MarieG

Hi ladies and gents, so I've decided to give it another shot. It's quite hard though because he's in Australia and I am in Europe but he's being really kind and consistent. I am really happy about it most of the time but for the first time in my life I start worrying and get really anxious if he takes a while to respond to emails/texts or he doesn't tell me that we're def planning on spending our lifes together for few days. I have never ever been like this and it is driving me a little bit crazy. He's not doing anything that would make me doubt him but I am having the biggest trust issues and get so anxious Is this normal? Will it go away soon? I don't want to be like this but just don't know what to do about it. I get so anxious and worried whenever I don't hear from him for like 2 days and am finding it hard to trust him. He already talked to his boss and is coming to see me for 1 month in December and wants to move here permanently next June/July. I am just so scared that things will go wrong again or that he might not move here after all. I never thought I'd be this kind of person and really don't want to be.I also don't want to chase him away with my worries and fears... Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

i think time will help. good luck to you and be sure to keep us updated!