Let's talk about forgiveness....

[MarieG]

Originally Posted by mellecyn

Hey Marie, I don´t know if we can tell you what to do...no we can´t. I would wonder first : why did he have the need to be alone ? It could be you 2 got together very young and guys need some maturing and wild years before committing, so he got cold feet. If it was about himself, he needed to mature, think alone first, fine. I´d try again. BUT if it was "you" (stopped loving you, critized you etc..) then I would be very wary and would wonder if I could live with the feeling he might do it again anytime. Also, you haven´t been meeting great guys yet. Patience.... I think here we tend to write back too quickly "dump him", "no way".... We need more info on him and the break up. Not the original thread, the one year later.

I know- you're absolutely right! He said that i am the love of his life but that he just needed to be alone! The worst words I ever heard pretty much- it was sooo painful! He is now saying that he needed this phase alone to figure out what he wants and now he knows what he wants. He hasn't been with anyone else until now either...

Most of my friends don't find this explanation satisfactory at all. Guys seem to be able to understand him a lot better than girls even though they still think what he did was pretty much unacceptable...

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by MarieG

.....for the first time in my life. I was able to achieve all of the things i dreamed of at that time (2 degrees, 2 great jobs, therapy). He always tried to give me what I needed-

First of all, know this: though you had a supportive partner YOU achieved your goals because you are intelligent and more than competent. You would have achieved your goals with or without him. His support was just the icing on the cake.

Originally Posted by MarieG

.He wants to do it right this time. ....I just don't know if .....I will ever trust him 100% again.

This is a tall order to fill. I did not read your other thread but I am assuming he was unfaithful and thats what broke you up?
While forgiving is easy forgetting is not. Only you can decide if you can live with someone you will never trust 100% for the rest of your life. It is doable but it takes a lot of effort on both parts. It may be a life sentence for him and a lifetime of anxiety for you. Perhaps some couples counseling would be a good thing for you two if you choose to try one more time.

I always tell people sometimes the first breakup doesn't "take". The second time around is either going to be stronger or will drive the last nail in the coffin in the relationship.
Do what you think is right for YOU - just go into either decision well informed and with your eyes wide open so there will be no false hopes or surprises. Whatever you choose I wish you only peace!

[MarieG]

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

First of all, know this: though you had a supportive partner YOU achieved your goals because you are intelligent and more than competent. You would have achieved your goals with or without him. His support was just the icing on the cake. This is a tall order to fill. I did not read your other thread but I am assuming he was unfaithful and thats what broke you up? While forgiving is easy forgetting is not. Only you can decide if you can live with someone you will never trust 100% for the rest of your life. It is doable but it takes a lot of effort on both parts. It may be a life sentence for him and a lifetime of anxiety for you. Perhaps some couples counseling would be a good thing for you two if you choose to try one more time. I always tell people sometimes the first breakup doesn't "take". The second time around is either going to be stronger or will drive the last nail in the coffin in the relationship. Do what you think is right for YOU - just go into either decision well informed and with your eyes wide open so there will be no false hopes or surprises. Whatever you choose I wish you only peace!

Thanks so much for your response! You're right about my achievements! Thank you so much for pointing that out!

He proposed to me after 3 years of being together and I changed career path and moved back to Australia for him and when we started planning the wedding 2 years later he just, completely out of the blue, said that I am the love of his life but he needs to be alone. That's it. It was over. Complete shock- no indication. It was beyond horrible. I was alone in Australia, broken hearted, had picked out the wedding dress, invited people, booked the venues.

He was never unfaithful though. In fact, he hasn't been with anyone else this entire year. He really just wanted to be alone....

[spoiled_brat]

Originally Posted by MarieG

I was alone in Australia, broken hearted, had picked out the wedding dress, invited people, booked the venues.

Hun, I am sorry but how can you forgive something like THIS? Just reading it makes me feel sad and angry for you!

[MarieG]

^^^ I am wondering if I can truly forgive him for watching me suffer like that and breaching my trust like that. Sitting there, cuddling me, giving me flowers, telling me he loves me until the second he broke up with me. It was such a nightmare- still makes my chest tight just thinking about it :(

And the humiliation in front of everyone- I know it shouldn't matter but thanks to facebook on top of all of our friends, colleagues, friends of friends and family members, EVERYONE of our friends on facebook knew we were engaged and people are still asking to date 'what happened??'

[MarieG]

Originally Posted by spoiled_brat

Hun, I am sorry but how can you forgive something like THIS? Just reading it makes me feel sad and angry for you!

I know- me, too :(

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by MarieG

He was never unfaithful though. In fact, he hasn't been with anyone else this entire year. He really just wanted to be alone....

well thats a plus!
I think the thing I would wonder though, though he was honest, I would wonder if this is part of his personality, to just pull the rug out from under you at any given moment he wasn't feeling 100% about something? I don't like when people just "up and go" - just because they are being honest, that doesn't give them a free pass to hurt someone so abruptly. If he is so honest, he should have had talks with you about any apprehension he was feeling. To just up and leave one day without any warning is pretty chicken sh*t to me. Whats going to happen if you guys get married and he is feeling antsy again? Is he going to share that with you or just leave again without warning? These are the questions I would address with him and tell him flat out you will never again tolerate. Like Charles said, he is the one that has to prove himself to you.

[MarieG]

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

well thats a plus! I think the thing I would wonder though, though he was honest, I would wonder if this is part of his personality, to just pull the rug out from under you at any given moment he wasn't feeling 100% about something? I don't like when people just "up and go" - just because they are being honest, that doesn't give them a free pass to hurt someone so abruptly. If he is so honest, he should have had talks with you about any apprehension he was feeling. To just up and leave one day without any warning is pretty chicken sh*t to me. whats going to happen if you guys get married and he is feeling antsy again? Is he going to share that with you or just leave again without warning? These are the questions I would address with him and tell him flat out you will never again tolerate. Like Charles said, he is the one that has to prove himself to you.

Yeah, you and Charles are absolutely right! I told him that I have to think about all of this but that I am either going to give this a shot and that there can be no more of that and he said he would never let it get to that point again and he sees that it was a huge mistake of his not to talk about things. He pointed that out himself which is a plus I guess.

I also told him that we're wither gonna give it a shot or that I want to cut contact because I can't have him in my life if I want to get over this. I think the fact that we worked in the same building and kept on running into each other every day (that was fun!! ) and that we had sporadic contact when I came to Europe (him sending me sporadic 'i love you' 'i miss you' smses and emails) is a big part of the reason why I'm not as far over him as I should be so I'll either decide to give this a proper shot or just cut contact completely for at least 1 year or so. I think that's what I need to do....

[bagnshoofetish]

you go girl. and as was suggested previously as well, make sure you keep separate residences even if you do get back together.

[MarieG]

^^ Thank you! Yup, I definitely will make him get his own place!

Another interesting point to mention is that everyone around him (and us) seems to be getting very serious with their partners and loads of mutual friends are currently getting married. At the time we broke up no one was. I know it shouldn't matter but I can't help but think that this might subconsciously have influenced his thinking...

I am glad in a way that we didn't get married at that point though. In retrospect I feel like I was like 4 years younger mentally a year go than I am now, sacrificing a bit too much which i would never do to that extend again.

Sorry for rambling on and thanks for letting me share...

[Cristina]

I went through something very similar last year with my soon-to-be fiance, only I was the one who did the breaking up. We had been dating six years. I felt ready to move forward to engagement and marriage (although through therapy, I've learned that I was nowhere near ready. I am now, and so is he). He did not.

It hurt. A lot. We spent six months apart, began talking again - and talking, and talking and talking. Taking things very slowly, we started dating again. We lived apart for eight months (highly recommended, I loved my little apartment and having my own place), recently moved back in together in June, and will be engaged (and homeowners!) by the end of the year, with a wedding planned for November 2010.

It was not easy. Nowhere near easy. A lot of tears, a lot of heartache, a lot of therapy and quite a bit of wine

Whatever you decide to do, make the decision for yourself and your own happiness.

PM me if you want to chat.

[MarieG]

^^Thank you so much for that, Cristina! Stories like yours give me hope! At the time of planning the wedding I was definitely a lot more ready for it than he was-which, of course, doesn't excuse his behavior! I assume that men can relate a lot better to this because the whole 'cold feet' thing seems to be a mainly male thing. It just really sucks to be the one left standing in the rain. I just don't wanna get too emotionally involved again- am trying to guard my heart. I don't think we could really take it all that slow considering we've been roommates for 6 years and a couple that did nearly everything together and lived together for 5 years. It sounds good in theory but in practice I'm not sure it's doable really. Maybe for a bit but I'm sure things would develop and progress a lot quicker than with another 'new' relationship. That's why this is suuuuuch a big deal! I know I, and no one else, can predict the future but it would be very convenient haha

[Cristina]

It is possible, IMO. We dated for six years, and lived together for five of those years. By the time we started dating again, after the split, we had each become accustomed to our new way of life. He had a roommate, who was also a friend of mine. I had my own place, 30 minutes away. I had my own schedule, between running in the early mornings, working, social time with girlfriends and family, etc.

We started off by seeing each other a couple of times a week. We went out to dinner, or did something date-like. Or sometimes, we just hung out, drank a beer or two, and talked (very important). We made sure we were on the same page with how we wanted things to progress with our relationship.

The holidays came around, and we talked about things beforehand - how we wanted to re-introduce our relationship to our families, spend the holidays, etc.

After the holidays, when we kept moving forward, making plans and knew that things were headed in the direction we wanted them to go in, we made a "schedule". I stayed three nights a week at his house, including Saturday and spent the rest of the time at my apartment. I have two cats, so they needed attention, of course. My lease ended at the end of May, and I moved in. His roommate moved out a couple of weeks later, and that was that.

Honestly, if you two want to be together and make it work, you do whatever it is you need to do to achieve that. There are challenges, and you, being the one who was on the receiving end of the breakup, need to tread carefully. My boyfriend was very cautious at first, and rightfully so.

As your relationship progresses, you both need to be on the same team. B and I said had the "team" talk. Whenever we have a disagreement, one of us reminds the other about "Team B and Cristina" and that helps a lot

Of course, this is all if you decide to date him again. Best of luck with your decision, I know you're going through a tough time right now.

[ibezj]

I think you should give this relationship another chance. IMO your original post revealed that you want to give this another go (maybe my intuition is wrong). But maybe he just needed a cooling period to reconsider your relationship. That said, I think someone who is capable of hurting you so completely, like he did before, is someone you need to watch out for. Take it slow this time around and maybe invest in this relationship what you feel is safe.

Good luck to you! I am sure you will find happiness, either with him or with someone who is compatible with you in the future.

[mrsklem14]

Forgiveness is such a wonderful thing. You are (obviously) in love with this guy who needed to be alone. Although it does sound cruel and rude of him to do, you have to remember how honest he was. It isn't like even after a few months he got another girlfriend and lied to you, he just truly wanted to be alone. It does make me sad that you had all plans for the wedding (your dress, etc.) but aren't you glad that he didn't ditch after the wedding? You both have your lives figured out now, and it seems that by combining these two lifes it fits perfectly (NOW). I would give it another chance.. you don't invest that much time into someone or a relationship and just blow a chance to rekindle what you've had. I hope it all works out for you and you eventually have the most wonderful wedding in the world <3 I found this quote and thought of your situation

"We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck ... But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness."
--Ellen Goodman