Let's talk about forgiveness....

[jellybebe]

Although you accomplished a lot while you were together, it seems that you have also accomplished a lot after the break-up. I have no advice for you, but to me, it would seem like taking him back would be a step backward, although it might also work out better than before now that the two of you have had some time alone to think about what you truly want.

[Charles]

Answering a question like this is like predicting the future. No one here, not me, not the others, not you, nor he can know what he's going to feel, or what you're going to feel a year or 10 down the road. That's the thing about trust, it's basically putting yourself out there and taking a gamble. Do you want to risk getting hurt to see if you could be happy for years to come? That's up to you to answer. If you truly think he's ready to commit, then give it a shot. If you think he's gonna bail, don't.
Look at his past actions and ask yourself if he's constantly changing his mind or often fickle. The fact that he hasn't been with anyone else and that he's an honest guy are good points.
In reality, this is life. People you care about will hurt you, and he's not a jerk for doing so. He wasn't happy, so he made a change. Would you rather he go through with the wedding then break things off? That's just how things happen sometimes and it sucks, but he was honest. Like I said, a good sign.
If I were in your shoes, I'd probably give it a shot and take things REAL slow. Pay close attention to his actions and look for anything that's iffy. Be honest and tell him that he's going to have to prove a lot to you and if he can't do that, he's not gonna get a second shot. You're in the drivers seat.

Keep us posted!

[Bella]

Originally Posted by KristyDarling

And if things end up not working out -- chalk it up to "Well, now I know for sure that he's not the one for me." At least you'll know and won't always be left wondering for the rest of your life!!!

This was the kicker for me. I had to take the chance or I'd always be wondering what if.

Kristy your story hits so close to home for me, but one big difference is that we both dated other people and were able to find our way back to each other. You said it best.. true love is not always a smooth ride. It was a lot of twists and turns, but in the process I/we learned so much about life love and each other. I agree with you, second, third chances.. Why not. I've certainly made my share of mistakes, but good people make bad decisions. Forgiveness is understanding that and making the choice not to hold onto the pain because it only hurts ourselves.

[redney]

Marie, please correct me if I'm wrong, and I do not mean to sound negative at all, but it almost seems to me that you may be seriously considering him again because the other men you have dated during your breakup did not become a longer-term relationship you might be looking for. (?)

Despite what happened with him in the past, he is a known entity and someone you know may have the qualities (at least back then) that, at one time, made a good long-term relationship.

Perhaps if you are seriously considering his proposition of moving to where you are, you may want to ask him to get his own place and the two of you could take things very slowly, considering what happened and your need to protect yourself emotionally.

I don't know if this is helpful or not. Just my 2 cents.

All the best to you and big hugs as you're contemplating what to do...

[Ellie Mae]

Originally Posted by redney

Marie, please correct me if I'm wrong, and I do not mean to sound negative at all, but it almost seems to me that you may be seriously considering him again because the other men you have dated during your breakup did not become a longer-term relationship you might be looking for. (?) Despite what happened with him in the past, he is a known entity and someone you know may have the qualities (at least back then) that, at one time, made a good long-term relationship. Perhaps if you are seriously considering his proposition of moving to where you are, you may want to ask him to get his own place and the two of you could take things very slowly, considering what happened and your need to protect yourself emotionally. I don't know if this is helpful or not. Just my 2 cents. All the best to you and big hugs as you're contemplating what to do...

ITA, Marie... IMO this is a MUST! He needs to save up some bucks and be totally self sufficient when he shows up... because this is NOT starting where we left off, this is starting OVER.
I also think prior to you making any decision, you two also need to have some very lengthy, truthful conversations about what happened. And you both need to really communicate honestly about your feelings about what happened last Oct. Air all the laundry, so to speak.

[Bella]

Originally Posted by HauteMama

But think long and hard about what you said regarding the power dynamic in the relationship. You say you had the "upper hand" before and that you feel like he might have it this time. I'd ask you to consider a relationship where NO ONE has the upper hand, because it isn't healthy in either case.

I noticed this too Marie. I actually think at this point you both would be coming into this on equal ground. You've had time to heal and reflect. He's had time to heal and reflect. It's a new place and time for both of you. I know it's tough, but ultimately everyone that loves you wants you to be happy.

[Bella]

Originally Posted by redney

Perhaps if you are seriously considering his proposition of moving to where you are, you may want to ask him to get his own place and the two of you could take things very slowly, considering what happened and your need to protect yourself emotionally.

Very good point redney.

[KristyDarling]

^^^ Very wise posts above. Charles and Bella, ITA with your points that good people can make bad decisions -- I think it's a *good* sign when they go back to try to make things right.

Also, I agree that this would be starting over, and not picking up where you left off. Go slow. Have separate residences. Put your trust in him while at the same time remembering that you need to be careful and look out for yourself. I like Charles' idea of telling him that he has a lot to prove to you. Essentially, your ex would be starting from below zero and needs to EARN your trust back.

[Ellie Mae]

Originally Posted by KristyDarling

^^^ Very wise posts above. Charles and Bella, ITA with your points that good people can make bad decisions -- I think it's a *good* sign when they go back to try to make things right. Also, I agree that this would be starting over, and not picking up where you left off. Go slow. Have separate residences. Put your trust in him while at the same time remembering that you need to be careful and look out for yourself. I like Charles' idea of telling him that he has a lot to prove to you. Essentially, your ex would be starting from below zero and needs to EARN your trust back.

Perfect! And that really may be the answer. If EX is serious, he can move to where Marie is, get a job, get his own place, and be willing to start as "acquaintances", and be willing to try to EARN her trust, and just see what happens as time goes by....??

[Bella]

Thanks Kristy, I agree with what you say above. I'd like to think I'm good people. But certainly not an angel.

I am a firm believer in making things right. It's never too late if one is willing. Earning ones trust back is so important. For me that started with a complete recognition of what transpired, feeling genuine remorse and no passing the buck. Charles said people we care about will hurt us. It's true just as we will hurt the ones we love, for one reason or another. Forget who says it, but I like the saying, "you cannot change what you do not acknowledge." This has helped me be a happier/better person, I hope.. but it's also helped me to not accept any less than that from anyone else. In my opinion that's where it has to start and everything that comes after is all about what feels right. Only time can tell.

Good luck Marie.

[chinahopes]

I just read your original post.

Honestly, if it was me, I'd prob give him another chance. It'd be different if you were married or had children or he cheated on you... but from what I gather, he did none of those things...

I wish you luck and I hope you follow your heart.

[nova_girl]

I don't really have any advice for you Marie, but if I were in your position I think I'd give him another chance. I wouldn't want to look back and regret not seeing what could have happened. I've been thinking about this in regards to my own situation and if my ex wanted to get back together yes, there's the possibility he could hurt me again but at least I'd know for sure that it wouldn't work between us and I could go into any future relationships not wondering "what if." I know you'll make the decision that's right for you

[mellecyn]

Hey Marie, I don´t know if we can tell you what to do...no we can´t.
I would wonder first : why did he have the need to be alone ?
It could be you 2 got together very young and guys need some maturing and wild years before committing, so he got cold feet. If it was about himself, he needed to mature, think alone first, fine. I´d try again.
BUT if it was "you" (stopped loving you, critized you etc..) then I would be very wary and would wonder if I could live with the feeling he might do it again anytime.
Also, you haven´t been meeting great guys yet. Patience....
I think here we tend to write back too quickly "dump him", "no way"....
We need more info on him and the break up. Not the original thread, the one year later.

[miss mei]

Hi Marie,

First, I'm really impressed at how well you picked yourself up after all of that happened. It sounds like you're a very strong/ brave individual : )

Secondly, if I were in your position, I would probably give him another shot if and ONLY if you think that you can truly forgive him. If you are constantly going to be thinking back to what he has done (and I might! It was a horrible thing to do), there is no way that the relationship can move forward. If you decided to give things another shot, I definitely would recommend that you guys go get some counseling for the issue-- just to make sure that it doesn't crop up again in the future and also to really REALLY clear the air. I know I've thought I could forgive guys in the past, but really been unable to underneath it all, and it has killed the relationship.

Additionally, if he's offered to move to Europe for you, and you don't have to make any sacrifices to be with him from other arenas of your life i.e. job, friends, being in a place that you feel comfortable, being closer to your family, it seems that there's no real downside. If things don't work out, you're not the one who has altered their trajectory. It sounds kind of harsh to say that, but honestly, it seems like you deserve for him to be making that kind of gesture/ amends.

I hope the whole situation works out in a way that makes you happy : ) Good luck.

[MarieG]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses!!!

I am still completely torn! Another issue that came into my head today was even considering where we would build a long term future together! I would never move back to Australia again for a long time as I love Europe and feel so at home here and Australia is 24 hours of flight time away which is just too much- I did it for 6 years and I just missed the European culture and people so much which became even more evident to me when I returned. I don't know if he would want to move here for good. I know I should not even think about that but I do think I have to consider the future before investing myself emotionally into this relationship again. Ugh, so many questions, so few answers.... Thanks so much for your thoughts!!