Let's talk about forgiveness....

[MarieG]

Thank you so much for your opinions and thoughts!! I'm thinking thinking thinking...

My friends would definitely support me but my family would probably have a hard time accepting it for a while- which I completely understand! Ugh, I just wish this all would have never happened in the first place! My life has turned into such a soap opera and i hate it!! I'm a big fan of steadiness and stability. Not having that seems to influence the other areas if my life significantly- no matter how many books I read or counselors I see- it just seems to be me...

[juneping]

i don't think it has anything to do with forgiveness.
forgive him is one thing, getting back together with him is another.
i don't know...did he ever explain to you why he needed the break? i think you need to find out to be able to make the decision if you want to be with him again.
i think i know how you feel...but try to find out why he did what he did and why he want you back.
if you do get back together...take it slow and observe more and see if you still want him in your life...you'll feel different.

[BagLadie]

I would give him another chance. I'm a romantic at heart and believe in true love and fate. Not forgiving him and seeing what happens could mean missing out on something.

[PurseAddict79]

Originally Posted by BagLadie

I would give him another chance. I'm a romantic at heart and believe in true love and fate. Not forgiving him and seeing what happens could mean missing out on something.

My thoughts exactly...

I hate the idea of wondering "what if..."

[KristyDarling]

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, about 11 years ago. Based on my own experience, I am a proponent of second (and sometimes third, fourth, etc) chances. I thought about giving you the nutshell version but there are many nuances that you might find helpful. So here it is:

We fell in love quickly and were in an intense relationship for 6 months, I was 90% sure he was The One...and then he moved across the country (this was his plan for years before he even met me). Instead of wanting to carry on long-distance with me, he decided he'd rather be single and carefree in his new city, so he broke it off with me. I was shocked, because things had been going SO well. I felt betrayed -- didn't he "mean it" when he said he loved me?? Intellectually, I understood that he needed to be single and untethered while living in his dream city, but emotionally, I was crushed.

Fast-forward about 9 months, and I was now living in the same city as him. My official story was that I needed a geographical change of pace, but internally I knew I moved because I still felt he was The One...he just didn't know it yet. Anyway, he found out I was in town and we started dating again, casually. We broke up and made up - oh, about a dozen times - over the next year. He loved me, but felt he was too young to be in a serious relationship (he was 28). Our timing was way off. I was ready to commit, he wasn't. It was the most hellish time of my life, full of turmoil and pain. EVERYONE around me was encouraging me to get over him and move on, but my heart would not let go. I honestly didn't want anyone else. All the while, he professed his love for me while at the same time saying he wasn't sure he was ready to "settle down." My friends refused to be around him, they bad-mouthed him constantly to my face. They could see how reluctant he was to commit to me and that really bothered them (as well it should). The one saving grace was that he never dated anyone else while we were on our breaks. I'm sure he hit on a few girls while we were broken up, but as far as I know, he never actually became intimate with anyone else.

Over the next year (this was now our 3rd year), he GRADUALLY "came to." I could sense him relaxing into our relationship. He was now 29 and sort of mellowing out. He was happy to be with me, and was no longer wondering what his life would be like if he were single. He started talking about a future together. He finally realized I was The One, and he embraced that fully. And 1 year later when he was 30 and I was 26, we were engaged. It was a long, hard, crooked, bumpy road, but we NEEDED it in order to confirm our compatibility. True love does not always equal a smooth ride -- many of us have to work on it before things are finally figured out! We have now been married 8 years and have two awesome kids. Our marriage is solid, loving, and not without its rocky moments but most importantly, it is based on friendship/partnership.

My point is, love is not always a straight path. It requires effort and TONS Of work. It is something that two people have to consciously decide on together. It's possible that your ex just wasn't ready to commit to that yet. Sometimes there are deviations from the path, and "breaks" from one another, but if you're meant to be together, you will somehow find yourselves back. The ONE thing you HAVE to be convinced of before you start dating again: Is he 100% willing to WORK on this relationship and stay on the path with you potentially forever? If his answer is yes, and you believe him completely, then I say - PROCEED WITH CAUTION. GO SLOW. Keep your expectations in check, put your faith in him but also have a healthy dose of skepticism.

And if things end up not working out -- chalk it up to "Well, now I know for sure that he's not the one for me." At least you'll know and won't always be left wondering for the rest of your life!!!

[juneping]

^^ very well said.

[californiaCRUSH]

First off, I just want to say that regardless of what choice you make I wish you nothing but happiness.

That being said, I’m really wary of his intentions. I think that trust is a really important part of a relationship and the fact that you will never be able to fully trust him again is something that I think could potentially really hurt your relationship, if you two were to ever get back together.

In your previous thread you said that you’re glad this happened because you wouldn’t want him to walk out after 5 years and 2 kids, but what if he wanted to be alone again? He totally blindsighted you the first time and there are no promises that it won’t happen again. Why would you want to put yourself through that again? I think that if you were to take him back, you would constantly be on pins and needles waiting for him to bail once again.

I don’t suggest hopping back into what made you so upset in the first place. Maybe you two can become friends and still be in each other’s lives but I think it’s best for you to open your heart and your mind to new prospects.

[Ellie Mae]

MarieG.... I've read your original post - Oct 08.
And then the update in Mar 09 where you said...

My ex actually wanted to get back together again and is still certain that we'll end up together and majorly pursued me when he heard that I decided to leave and that is when I discovered how strong this pain and suffering has made me. The old me would have probably been willing to change my mind and stay only to probably be confronted with the same situation again in a few months down the line. The new me was less emotionally involved, had a new sense of self worth and self protection and was able to say: you know what- thanks but no thanks.

6 months ago was a resounding NO. Today is "When he very seriously asked me for another chance I felt so happy and relieved". So without passing judgement or making any comment yay or nay... my question to you is... other than "time heals", what has changed since March that would lead you to change your mind?

One thing I will say, whatever happens, you do need to forgive. As it does YOU no good in your heart NOT to forgive. So, please DO forgive, irregardless. The real issue in my mind is TRUST. If you are going to go back into this relationship, you have to trust 100% and never look back, or this is not going to work. And can you truly do that?

[PurseAddict79]

Originally Posted by KristyDarling

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, about 11 years ago. Based on my own experience, I am a proponent of second (and sometimes third, fourth, etc) chances. I thought about giving you the nutshell version but there are many nuances that you might find helpful. So here it is: We fell in love quickly and were in an intense relationship for 6 months, I was 90% sure he was The One...and then he moved across the country (this was his plan for years before he even met me). Instead of wanting to carry on long-distance with me, he decided he'd rather be single and carefree in his new city, so he broke it off with me. I was shocked, because things had been going SO well. I felt betrayed -- didn't he "mean it" when he said he loved me?? Intellectually, I understood that he needed to be single and untethered while living in his dream city, but emotionally, I was crushed. Fast-forward about 9 months, and I was now living in the same city as him. My official story was that I needed a geographical change of pace, but internally I knew I moved because I still felt he was The One...he just didn't know it yet. Anyway, he found out I was in town and we started dating again, casually. We broke up and made up - oh, about a dozen times - over the next year. He loved me, but felt he was too young to be in a serious relationship (he was 28). Our timing was way off. I was ready to commit, he wasn't. It was the most hellish time of my life, full of turmoil and pain. EVERYONE around me was encouraging me to get over him and move on, but my heart would not let go. I honestly didn't want anyone else. All the while, he professed his love for me while at the same time saying he wasn't sure he was ready to "settle down." My friends refused to be around him, they bad-mouthed him constantly to my face. They could see how reluctant he was to commit to me and that really bothered them (as well it should). The one saving grace was that he never dated anyone else while we were on our breaks. I'm sure he hit on a few girls while we were broken up, but as far as I know, he never actually became intimate with anyone else. Over the next year (this was now our 3rd year), he GRADUALLY "came to." I could sense him relaxing into our relationship. He was now 29 and sort of mellowing out. He was happy to be with me, and was no longer wondering what his life would be like if he were single. He started talking about a future together. He finally realized I was The One, and he embraced that fully. And 1 year later when he was 30 and I was 26, we were engaged. It was a long, hard, crooked, bumpy road, but we NEEDED it in order to confirm our compatibility. True love does not always equal a smooth ride -- many of us have to work on it before things are finally figured out! We have now been married 8 years and have two awesome kids. Our marriage is solid, loving, and not without its rocky moments but most importantly, it is based on friendship/partnership. My point is, love is not always a straight path. It requires effort and TONS Of work. It is something that two people have to consciously decide on together. It's possible that your ex just wasn't ready to commit to that yet. Sometimes there are deviations from the path, and "breaks" from one another, but if you're meant to be together, you will somehow find yourselves back. The ONE thing you HAVE to be convinced of before you start dating again: Is he 100% willing to WORK on this relationship and stay on the path with you potentially forever? If his answer is yes, and you believe him completely, then I say - PROCEED WITH CAUTION. GO SLOW. Keep your expectations in check, put your faith in him but also have a healthy dose of skepticism. And if things end up not working out -- chalk it up to "Well, now I know for sure that he's not the one for me." At least you'll know and won't always be left wondering for the rest of your life!!!

[MarieG]

Thank you so much for sharing your story, KristyDarling! Thank you also, ladies, for all of your honest thoughts!

I am very torn in this context because I really don't know how I can ever trust him again but it does seem, on the other hand, that a lot of relationships have gone through similar traumas and survived. I just don't think people talk about it as much. It still doesn't mean that I think I can get over it but it is very interesting for me to hear everyone's perspective in order to sort out my thoughts

[MarieG]

Thank you, Ellie Mae- I really appreciate your thoughts! At that time I was still a lot more hurt, hadn't really gotten the distance (geographically and emotionally- it went hand-in hand)I needed or dated around so I was at a completely different stage. An example would be that at that point my wound was still 'open' while now it has build it's crust- sorry- silly analogy but i couldn't think of another one. Yeah, it does all boil down to trust in the end. Gosh, I wish I knew...

Originally Posted by Ellie Mae

MarieG.... I've read your original post - Oct 08. And then the update in Mar 09 where you said... My ex actually wanted to get back together again and is still certain that we'll end up together and majorly pursued me when he heard that I decided to leave and that is when I discovered how strong this pain and suffering has made me. The old me would have probably been willing to change my mind and stay only to probably be confronted with the same situation again in a few months down the line. The new me was less emotionally involved, had a new sense of self worth and self protection and was able to say: you know what- thanks but no thanks. 6 months ago was a resounding NO. Today is "When he very seriously asked me for another chance I felt so happy and relieved". So without passing judgement or making any comment yay or nay... my question to you is... other than "time heals", what has changed since March that would lead you to change your mind? One thing I will say, whatever happens, you do need to forgive. As it does YOU no good in your heart NOT to forgive. So, please DO forgive, irregardless. The real issue in my mind is TRUST. If you are going to go back into this relationship, you have to trust 100% and never look back, or this is not going to work. And can you truly do that?

[HauteMama]

Ultimately only you can decide this, and I think what you need to consider is if you will regret it if you don't try again. If that is the case, it doesn't matter how foolish others might think you are; if you don't try again you will live with regret, and that is no sort of life at all.

But think long and hard about what you said regarding the power dynamic in the relationship. You say you had the "upper hand" before and that you feel like he might have it this time. I'd ask you to consider a relationship where NO ONE has the upper hand, because it isn't healthy in either case.

[KristyDarling]

Originally Posted by MarieG

Thank you so much for sharing your story, KristyDarling! Thank you also, ladies, for all of your honest thoughts! I am very torn in this context because I really don't know how I can ever trust him again but it does seem, on the other hand, that a lot of relationships have gone through similar traumas and survived. I just don't think people talk about it as much. It still doesn't mean that I think I can get over it but it is very interesting for me to hear everyone's perspective in order to sort out my thoughts

Marie, I'm so glad you're taking your time to think it through. Please keep us posted.

[Smoothoprter]

You might be vulnerable because you haven't met anyone else you want to date seriously. If he's serious about wanting you back he would have pursued you, he'd already have traveled to be with you. As far as I'm concerned it sounds like it's all been talk - he needs to take some action. He screwed up, he needs to make things right, and he needs to stop talking about it and do it already... if he's serious.

[Ellie Mae]

Originally Posted by MarieG

Thank you, Ellie Mae- I really appreciate your thoughts! At that time I was still a lot more hurt, hadn't really gotten the distance (geographically and emotionally- it went hand-in hand)I needed or dated around so I was at a completely different stage. An example would be that at that point my wound was still 'open' while now it has build it's crust- sorry- silly analogy but i couldn't think of another one. Yeah, it does all boil down to trust in the end. Gosh, I wish I knew...

I understand your analogy....TIME HEALS.. and yes ma'am thankfully it does.
And being "less hurt now" simply cannot become a part of the equation as you try to make this decision.
I think 3 things...
#1.... before you can make a decision, you need to forgive him. This man hurt you to the core of your very being. You lived thru it and you are stronger for it. You cannot ever change that, so forgive it. It's old baggage, toss it out. For your own well-being.
#2.... HAS HE CHANGED... not will he change when he gets here???
#3.... can you trust? And this is a BIG one. And only you can make that decision. IMO, it will be impossible to trust if you cannot forgive. SO.. back to #1.....
Best Wishes, Marie!!