[abbygirl]

Some of you may remember me stating that my aunt is dying of cancer (this was in the Emptyness Syndrome thread).

My mom has been out of state for the past month (11 hours away from home) to help out. She is not coming home until my aunt passes, which could be weeks or a few months.

My husband took me their last week to visit them and we had a really nice visit. Before we left however, both my mom and my aunt asked if I could come back (I am their helper, and provide entertainment, LOL). I told them I would be happy too, but i could not book a flight because it would cost $700-$1500 for no advance notice. My mom then asked my husband if he had any miles to use, and he stated no, we had already used them for an upcoming Hawaiin vacation in a week.

Soooo, my aunt says, I really want you to come back (we are talking within a few days from the time I left) so please use my miles. She doesn't travel anymore.

We left to come home and my aunt started working on a flight for me back. After 3 days of trying to book online (Delta charges $25-$50 if you make arrangements on the phone) she got the deal done BUT she had to use my step-uncle's miles also. (He doesn't travel either because of her). Anyway, he founds out (it was not a secret) from her daughter and comes home from work PISSED and gets my aunt extremely upset. I mean really upset. I find this out and immediately cancel the flight, which in turn upset my aunt more.

This was 3 days ago and he has not spoken a word to either my mom or my aunt. He is a big baby and will pout for days. Meantime, my mom and him do not have the best relationship anyway and have had words in the past. She made mention to him that she would like to talk about this and he said "I have nothing to say". My mom does not want tension in the house because it is affecting my aunt so she took the high road and wanted to talk to him. He refused.

I can hear it in my mom's voice that this is taking a toll her on too. She misses her family ALOT and my dad travels there when he can, but that is a 11 hour trip each way for him and he is in his 70's.......

I have no problem telling my uncle to quit being an ass but if I call him, he will hang up on me because he won't want to hear it. I wanted to email him but my cousin has not emailed me to give me his email address. I want to be nice but firm with him, but he ALWAYS thinks he's right....ALWAYS. (We've had words once before, but that is a whole other story).

He treats me well when I am there (except once) and I cannot stand the way he treats others and no one will stand up to him.

What to do?

I am pretty much the only one who will go help my mom and aunt out. (I run the errands, among other things, to pitch in).

Since I am leaving for vacation in a week, I will not be able to go back to Ms. until the latter part of July as that is when I will return from Hawaii.

How do I help my mom deal with this ass?

[merika]

I don't think you should say anything. After all, it is HIS miles that were being used without his permission, and you can't call him and confront him about that. I think that it happened because your aunt did not ask him beforehand. As it is a problem within their family, let your aunt and her husband sort it out no matter how bad it seems.

[abbygirl]

Oh no, I wouldn't mention anything about the miles.

I want to tell him to quit being so rude to my mom. She is there because they both need her there to watch her, and my aunt said she needed her for emotional support.

My mom has pretty much given up her life the last year and half to be there for her. Hell, my mom gives up her normal life for everyone.

Point is, this isn't something she HAS to do. My uncle knows very well this is me aunt who says she can't live without my mom to help her get through this.

I just hate that he treats my mom like she is on vacation and won't home. I don't think he truly realizes what she is giving up to be there.

[oo0ehxtahcee0oo]

girl, i dunno. im lost for words. i dunno why hes so mad about the miles?? oy... all i know is i hope things get better and that you have a great vacation with DH!! love you!!

[queenvictoria2]

Wow. How stupid is he? He quits talking to his wife who is dying over flyer miles? Jeez. Tell him there will be plenty of time in the future to not talk to her, the dumbass.
Honestly, if he is that stubborn, there probably isn't anything you CAN say to him
Your poor mom. Is this her sister?

[abbygirl]

Originally Posted by queenvictoria2

Wow. How stupid is he? He quits talking to his wife who is dying over flyer miles? Jeez. Tell him there will be plenty of time in the future to not talk to her, the dumbass.
Honestly, if he is that stubborn, there probably isn't anything you CAN say to him
Your poor mom. Is this her sister?

Yes, this is her sister - and her last living relative. Her other sister passed away with cancer a couple of years ago and my mom took care of her too.

He is very stubborn as most anyone that knows him would say. No one stands up to him for whatever reason. I am willing to just tell him to stop treating both of them like they were his children.

OOoo, thanks for your support!

Does anyone else have someone like this?

[queenvictoria2]

Hmmm ... I think you should have just went then and told him to sit down and shut up, that you and your mom were there at your aunt's request for her final days. I mean, I would have TRIED to be nice first and talk to him but if he refused still and ignores everyone then too bad, his loss .... well that's just me tho

I am so sorry about your aunt, this disease SUCKS!

[illinirdhd]

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I do have a little story from my own family to share - it may give you a different perspective.

My aunt (my mom's favorite sister and my brother's and my Godmother) has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She's 60. She was diagnosed in February (after having been tested several times over the past 10 years because of symptoms), but she didn't tell anyone until April, because she didn't want to upset my mom or me when I was getting married, etc. After she told my mom about the diagnosis, my mom cried and cried to me, etc., and then finally spoke with my aunt's husband. He's a jerk too - always right, always a major pain in the a$$, etc. He told my mom that he's thinking of moving back home (about 5 hours north of where they live now) to be close to my mom and their other sisters. The reason he gave her is that when the time comes that my aunt can't function on her own, he doesn't want my mom or their other sisters to take over because they don't think he is capable of taking care of her. He knows that he will certainly need help, but he doesn't want anyone to take the decisions and day-to-day stuff away from him.

Now we all know that many men are useless when it comes to caring for a very sick loved one. And we also know that men will ignore the state of being of a sick loved one. So when an aunt or a mother or a sister gets sick, our female instinct is to come to the rescue, and take over her care, even if her husband is right there. We see it as helping; he sees it as a slap in the face.

Maybe your uncle is feeling really powerless, and kind of shoved out of the way. And maybe that's why he's being suck a jerk to your mom. He's probably in a bit of denial about your aunt's condition, and he's probably grieving and frustrated and sad and angry, and worst of all, can't do anything to help her. I'm not saying this gives him the right to be a jerk to you or your mom or anyone else, but I wonder if it might help you understand what he might be going through.

I don't know what you can say to change anything or to make him feel better. But I do know that when my dad is down or seems to be feeling left out, I will buy a greeting card and put it in the mail to him (sometimes send it to his office so it's just between me and him and my mom doesn't know anything about it). He really may just need a shoulder or a cheerful word.

Just try to be patient.

[lovinalotofbags]

It is up to your mom to stand up to him and rip him a new one. She loves her sister and that is why she is there. Someone should say something. She is dying and he is an ass for behaving that way during this very difficult time, but I suppose he is an ass difficult time or not.

[eviemarie]

What an Ar£e. He doesn't need the miles. Maybe he is jealous that his wife wants/needs you there when she is ill ratrher than being happy with him being there?

[barcreperie]

Ack - I had an uncle like your uncle. He was always right and would hold serious grudges over the silliest things. He didn't speak to my mother (his sister) for over a year because of a misunderstanding as to the time (hour) she'd invited him over to lunch. Turns out he didn't know of the daylights savings time change that day and arrived an hour early, and of course my mom wasn't ready for him yet. I don't think anyone could've said anything to him to knock some sense in to him. It may be the same thing in your situation. It may just take time for your uncle to cool off and treat his wife and your mom decently. Unfortunately, he needs to cool off fast in this case as he may not have that much time left with his wife. So sad to cause her this stress and waste the time he has left with her because of his bull-headedness.

[amber11]

yikes what a terrible situation, i'm sorry, your in the position where there's really nothing to do but give support over the phone.... try to have a good time in hawaii and just take a break from it all!

[hlchen]

Write him a letter by mail. He may be having a hard time with everything. But, someone does need to tell him he needs to spend all his days he can with your aunt.

I am sorry to hear about your aunt. Try to enjoy your vacation.

[VPT]

Have you managed to resolve this, OP? I think there's little you can do about your uncle because he doesn't have lateral thinking, that's why his priorities seem a little way off to most people. Too much trouble trying to talk sense to him it might be better to avoid him if you can. Also when people have their loved ones suddenly suffering, their behavior becomes more erratic. You don't realize how virtuous patience can be until times like these when you have to deal with such people.