Just HAVE to vent about my SIL...

[niseixtenshi]

Here's the rundown: I never could stand her because she's a condescending B--- and she thinks she's better than anyone else. Well, for many (TOO MANY 10+) years I haven't said anything. I tried to be the mature one and just ignore her "moments" and be civil. Well tonight, she pushed my LAST button..but I didn't say anything to her.

She drops of her baby so she can have alone time to work from home(so she says). We all know she just wants to have a way out from having to take care of the kid. Anyhow, she asks my parents to babysit even though they don't want to. She tricks/traps them into doing it so they can't say no. Who ends up watching the baby when she's here for almost 10 hours? Yup, me. I play with her and she enjoys it. When her mom comes back..she CRIES when she sees her face...whatever that means.

So today, there were a couple ants on the coffee table. Big deal...no so much. So the SIL demands that my mom sees where they're coming from. My mom has anxiety issues so she gets hysterical and pulls the vacuum out. The SIL then says "MOM, instead of getting mad why don't you tell *me* to clean it up, you shouldn't do any of this." "She needs to learn responsibility" WTF I'm 28 and she's 33...

MIND YOU, this is coming from the same B&^% that always comes over empty handed to have her kid babysat and then expects dinner as well. She NEVER helps out w/ cooking, dishes, or even changes her own kids diaper when she's at my house. She also doesn't allow her kid to touch anything cuz its "DIRTY" or crawl anywhere. She's not even allowed a stuffed animal or blanket for she'll be "attached" to it.

Sorry for the long rant, I just had to get it out. Would you keep it inside or would you say something? This chick is driving me mad!!!

[envyme]

You need to say something to her.

[redney]

What is your relationship to her? Is she your brother's wife? Your DH's sister? Your DH's brother's wife?

Regardless, you should tread lightly on saying anything to her, because she sounds like the type of person to twist your words and put herself in the "victim" light, which may ruffle the feathers of the person to whom you are connected (i.e. your brother, your DH, etc)

[Cheetah7]

I'm surprised after all these yrs you haven't said a thing to her yet. I understand being civil and all but if she's being demanding and insulting you in YOUR OWN house, you need to set her straight. If you continue to be quiet about it, you are only enabling her to continue her disrespectful behavior. You don't have to blow up in her face about it but you do need to say something.

[Immi]

She's your SIL... you're stuck with her. But she does sound really annoying. She could have scored brownie points with both of you by offering to clean up the ants herself. Perhaps next time you're doing housework and she's around you could ask for her help. Say something like "I want to get this done quickly for mom" so she feels like it's not just you asking her. I say that because it sounds like she respects your mom more than you and if she thinks she's sucking up to mom she's more likely to go for it.

[LilGlove]

Sometimes, reading some of these threads and how things are worded...it would be nice to hear BOTH sides.

You might temper yourself a little if you choose to confront her. Calling your niece/nephew her "kid" without hiding your obvious ire and disdain kind of says a little more about you than her.

[ProfNot]

This is a tough one.

The baby is obviously not getting much attention let alone care from her mum. I would want to stay in the baby's life for her sake.

But if a kid wasn't involved, I would ban the self-centered SIL from my house for life. I don't put up with people treating me badly and I don't care if people gossip behind my back.

I would have a very hard time keeping my mouth shut - my temper is legendary.

Your mum sounds super sensitive so props to you for keeping the peace.

[gina2328]

If I were you I would go to a therapist to learn to be assertive and speak up for yourself. She is treating you like a doormat.

First, she makes your Mom go hysterical. Well, you can't control how your Mother reacts, so there is nothing you can do about that.

Second, your SIL was rude when she made the comment about you needing to learn responsibility...about picking up a vacuum? I would have mentioned that I responsibly babysat her child all day and am now being treating like a child (in a calm tone). Then I would have left the room.

You SIL is verbally abusing you.

When dinner is over, how about asking her to help clean up the dishes? Who is changing the baby's dirty diaper when she is over?

[niseixtenshi]

Thank you for the replies. I just typed a reply and then the net died *sigh*...so here I go again.

Let me answer some of your questions first. She is my brother's wife. I found out last night from their friend that she has made mentions that she was basically forced into having this child. This explains a lot. So sad...

REDNEY- You are VERY right...she's is manipulative and I could see her twist this very easily.

CHEETAH7 - Actually, I'd never blow up in anyone's face. I actually avoid confrontation, but if I had to...I wouldn't say anything till I was calm & collected. Perhaps, that's why I get walked on by these type of people to begin with... :(

IMMI - She doesn't respect my mom or our family. She also puts her family above ours/thinks they're better than us. Her own mom is EXTREMELY possessive and one of my bro's best friends have told me she's becoming JUST like her mom. I really feel sad for their child. She seems neglected and anytime my niece the SIL, she is CONSTANTLY telling her "No, don't touch that." or "No, that's dirty!"...mind you she's now only 14 months.

LILGLOVE- I understand what you are saying, but it gets old when the SIL always complains after a long day of babysitting. "Oh, she's red" "She's scratching...MOM, did she touch anything?" I mean, when she gets here, she doesn't even hug/see her own daughter - she goes straight for dinner instead. Don't get me wrong, I love my niece - she's absolutely adorable as long as her mom isn't around. My parents and I walk on pins and needles when her mom is around. Perhaps she's OCD...that's my best guess.

GINA- Actually, when she comes over..she sits at the table and demands my brother serve her water and everything else. She doesn't get up. Dirty diapers? She hints at my mom to change it, so my mom will. Other times, she's sleeping on our couch as we continue to watch their child.

I have been nothing but nice for so many years, yet she treats me this way. I was forced into throwing a babyshower for her (since she has no friends, she asked/told me to be the host and plan it). At family functions for my niece, my BF and I have been seated at the "kids table" w/ the cheaper food while her brother & HIS gf's family sat at the main table. At their wedding, I was the one who was told to do all the tedious work because her MOH was "busy with kids and all..."


So my newest update is that when I was upset last night, I tweeted in general. My bro picked up the clues and texted that we needed to talk. I guess the first step is letting HIM know how I really feel. Though, how naive can he be..that he never knew in the first place? His wife has used me for years and talks down to me constantly. My bro is so passive to the point where as a couple, they remind me of Jon & Kate to the tee. She's condescending and treats him like a kid and he's as passive as can be...

Thanks for letting me vent...I just gotta do something or else it's just going to keep getting worse. For my niece's sake, I gotta at least try to make it better for her.

[TejasMama]

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this situation. Your niece is very lucky to have you. I agree that you need to talk with your brother first and explain what is going on. He's not around this, it seems, so he may not know, but I'm sure he knows how she treats people--he is married to her, although men and women don't always view these communications the same way.

I also agree that it's time to set some boundaries. You don't have to be abrasive, rude or confrontational, but she does need to know that her comments are not acceptable. It's not rude to remind her that after taking care of her child all day, you would appreciate a "thank you" rather than her condescension and criticism. Otherwise, she can certainly pay a babysitter instead. I've seen lots of women like this; they keep doing it because no one calls them on it. She just might adjust her attitude if you stay calm and correct her. And if she wants to twist it, well, she sounds like a real pain either way, so what difference does it make? Chances are, she does it anyway.

You can make make some modifications to adjust the course of this relationship. There's simply no reason for you to continue to endure this.

[Immi]

Next time she hints that the child's diaper needs doing remind her where the clean diapers are. Ask her for help with chores if she's sitting around and you could really use the help. You just have to take the plunge and ask her because otherwise she'll continue to walk over you forever. You should ask your brother to kindly tell her that you guys would appreciate it if she was to offer her help occasionally. Unless he's totally whipped he ought to try, since his GF is obviously upsetting his mom and sister.

Out of interest what happens when you're over at her place? Does she run around doing everything or does she expect you to help out?

[karmenzsofia]

I'm against bottling things up; it only makes matters worse. I would try to talk about it, though given how angry you are after 10 years of not being able to stand her, I doubt either one of you would be able to have a rational conversation. It's hard enough to do when you're not mad at each other, KWIM? This "last drop" shows you feel victimized by her -- actually, it sounds like you think she victimizes the whole family. If I were you, I would start using my voice to speak up whenever you see fit. If nothing else, it will lead to a confrontation and perhaps a conversation. As it is, keeping this anger inside is very unhealthy for you.

[niseixtenshi]

Originally Posted by Immi

Next time she hints that the child's diaper needs doing remind her where the clean diapers are. Ask her for help with chores if she's sitting around and you could really use the help. You just have to take the plunge and ask her because otherwise she'll continue to walk over you forever. You should ask your brother to kindly tell her that you guys would appreciate it if she was to offer her help occasionally. Unless he's totally whipped he ought to try, since his GF is obviously upsetting his mom and sister. Out of interest what happens when you're over at her place? Does she run around doing everything or does she expect you to help out?

Good idea, Immi. However, yes, he is VERY whipped. She just gives him "the look" and you can tell she's got his gonads in her hands. lol.

Kidding aside, I rarely go to their house..unless it's a certain occasion. When we come over, she barks orders at me while HER brothers/fam is chillin. Hell, HER mom barks orders at me to take pictures of this and that - which is why I'm NEVER in any pictures w/ my niece. Her family is kind of wack to begin with. In her family, the women do nothing while the men do everything..cook, clean, etc. She refuses to clean the toilet or do laundry..so my bro does all that stuff.

[niseixtenshi]

Originally Posted by karmenzsofia

I'm against bottling things up; it only makes matters worse. I would try to talk about it, though given how angry you are after 10 years of not being able to stand her, I doubt either one of you would be able to have a rational conversation. It's hard enough to do when you're not mad at each other, KWIM? This "last drop" shows you feel victimized by her -- actually, it sounds like you think she victimizes the whole family. If I were you, I would start using my voice to speak up whenever you see fit. If nothing else, it will lead to a confrontation and perhaps a conversation. As it is, keeping this anger inside is very unhealthy for you.

ITA...I definitely need to work on this.

[niseixtenshi]

Originally Posted by TejasMama

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this situation. Your niece is very lucky to have you. I agree that you need to talk with your brother first and explain what is going on. He's not around this, it seems, so he may not know, but I'm sure he knows how she treats people--he is married to her, although men and women don't always view these communications the same way. I also agree that it's time to set some boundaries. You don't have to be abrasive, rude or confrontational, but she does need to know that her comments are not acceptable. It's not rude to remind her that after taking care of her child all day, you would appreciate a "thank you" rather than her condescension and criticism. Otherwise, she can certainly pay a babysitter instead. I've seen lots of women like this; they keep doing it because no one calls them on it. She just might adjust her attitude if you stay calm and correct her. And if she wants to twist it, well, she sounds like a real pain either way, so what difference does it make? Chances are, she does it anyway. You can make make some modifications to adjust the course of this relationship. There's simply no reason for you to continue to endure this.

Thank you for your advice. I'm definitely on the same page as you on this.