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niseixtenshi · Sep 22nd, 2009, 06:04 PM

Originally Posted by gina2328

If I were you I would go to a therapist to learn to be assertive and speak up for yourself. She is treating you like a doormat.

First, she makes your Mom go hysterical. Well, you can't control how your Mother reacts, so there is nothing you can do about that.

Second, your SIL was rude when she made the comment about you needing to learn responsibility...about picking up a vacuum? I would have mentioned that I responsibly babysat her child all day and am now being treating like a child (in a calm tone). Then I would have left the room.

You SIL is verbally abusing you.

When dinner is over, how about asking her to help clean up the dishes? Who is changing the baby's dirty diaper when she is over?

Perhaps it's an asian family thing. But, the reason I never said anything is because my parents have told me numerous times not to say anything because it'll supposedly make it will cause problems between my bro and his wife. Yes, maybe I've always been the child that tries my best to listen to my parents and I never rebelled. This is the reason that I will be laying EVERYTHING out on the table tonight w/ my brother. I will also tell him that if he doesn't keep his wife in check...I WILL say something to her. I will NO LONGER be spoken to as though I'm below her.

alliemia · Sep 22nd, 2009, 06:46 PM

family customs or not, you shouldn't tolerate abuse. let her take care of her own child, and she doesn't need to be telling your mother that you need to do chores, if she doesn't want to see your mother doing vaccumming, then she should do it.

gina2328 · Sep 22nd, 2009, 07:40 PM

OP, why do you still live at home with your Mother? This is a big part of the problem. Move out and you won't have to deal with SIL very much. Also, you are a grown woman, and your Mother is still telling you how to talk to another grown woman, one that is attacking you constantly? Just to keep the peace? That is so wrong.

Why does your Mother put her DIL's feelings ahead of her own daughters? That must be so hurtful to you.

I think you need to talk to your brother but I don't think that is going to solve the problem. Especially since he sounds so passive. I would not be surprised if he takes his wife's side. You, your Mom, and your brother need to be a united front against this woman's abusive and childish behavior.

niseixtenshi · Sep 22nd, 2009, 07:55 PM

Originally Posted by gina2328

OP, why do you still live at home with your Mother? This is a big part of the problem. Move out and you won't have to deal with SIL very much. Also, you are a grown woman, and your Mother is still telling you how to talk to another grown woman, one that is attacking you constantly? Just to keep the peace? That is so wrong.

Why does your Mother put her DIL's feelings ahead of her own daughters? That must be so hurtful to you.

I think you need to talk to your brother but I don't think that is going to solve the problem. Especially since he sounds so passive. I would not be surprised if he takes his wife's side. You, your Mom, and your brother need to be a united front against this woman's abusive and childish behavior.

In our culture, we don't move out until we're married. I've been w/ my bf for 6+ years and we are saving money so that we can purchase a house and get married. I'm a teacher and currently out of a job due to the economy and budget cuts. I figure I'll just deal for a couple more years and I'm out. I'm looking to move to another state for better job opportunities.

I admit, I do not have a close relationship with my mom at all. I'm never good enough to her. But that's beside the point. Yeah, it used to hurt..but now I just try my best to ignore it. Nothing I say to her will make a difference. My dad and I see eye-to-eye..but my mom is such a people pleaser to everyone BUT to us. My parents are still married and I keep my dad sane....

I just need to suck it up and deal for just a bit longer...

juneping · Sep 22nd, 2009, 08:12 PM

^^you should try to practice expressing your frustration without the emotion. it works but it's very hard. little step every day. don't suck it up bc that's why ppl walk all over you. make your point minus the drama is a way to go. i am trying that approach as well. don't keep the mind set that once you move out the problem will go away bc it won't. its your SIL this time and next will be your coworker / some IL or whoever intersect with your life.
GL!!

niseixtenshi · Sep 22nd, 2009, 08:16 PM

Originally Posted by juneping

^^you should try to practice expressing your frustration without the emotion. it works but it's very hard. little step every day. don't suck it up bc that's why ppl walk all over you. make your point minus the drama is a way to go. i am trying that approach as well. don't keep the mind set that once you move out the problem will go away bc it won't. its your SIL this time and next will be your coworker / some IL or whoever intersect with your life.
GL!!

Good points you have. I'll have to work on that. TY

plain jane doe · Sep 22nd, 2009, 11:28 PM

Originally Posted by niseixtenshi

She's not even allowed a stuffed animal or blanket for she'll be "attached" to it.

Poor baby!!!!!!!!!

Sorry I don't have any useful advice. Your SIL sounds evil, maybe you can give the baby a stuffie and keep it at your house.

Gimmethebag · Sep 23rd, 2009, 01:19 AM

I have no advice. Your SIL sounds awful and lazy.

I would have a couple of playful jabs prepared, just in case the situation arises. Like the next time she tells you to be a responsible adult, maybe playfully make a joke about charging for your nanny services. You are out of work and she technically doesn't NEED the childcare since she "works from home."

I'm really no help. I'm evil... the moment she refused to change her daughter's diaper I would have joked, "I'll change her diaper... she probably thinks I'm her mom since I watch her all the time!"

KC1984 · Sep 23rd, 2009, 07:51 AM

I think shes wrong for taking advantage of you & you're family but don't think you can comment on her as a mum unless you're really concerned about the childswelfare.

Immi · Sep 23rd, 2009, 09:44 AM

I agree with Gimmethebag. You have to say something to miss princess, and the easiest way is to use a bit of humour to take the edge off it. Don't do it in a cold or emotionally-charged way at all... because you can't ask for her to treat you fairly if it seems like you're not willing to put the past behind you as well. I suggest clearing your mind of all irritation towards her first.

My own thought is that your bro should say something to her too but it doesn't seem like that will happen.

littlerock · Sep 23rd, 2009, 10:05 AM

Updates? Did you talk to your Brother?

bagnshoofetish · Sep 23rd, 2009, 11:49 AM

I am not Asian so I don't understand all the dynamics of those specific inter-family relationships but just as a human being, I would only let the SIL know when she has hurt me personally. If she says something out of line or disrespectful to you just tell her, "you know, that was not necessary and very hurtful. I really wish you would not say things like that to me because all it does is cause bad feelings. Why can't you be nice?"
As for her kid, there is not much you can do without causing WWIII in the family. Just be the best aunt you can be - give that little kid all the love you can so she at least has one loving, non-agressive person in her life who is actually thinking about her and not about her moms dysfunctions. Be a light in her life - anything else will make her feel like she is causing problems between all the adults in her life - please don't do that to her.

bagnshoofetish · Sep 23rd, 2009, 11:53 AM

Originally Posted by niseixtenshi

She refuses to clean the toilet or do laundry..so my bro does all that stuff.

Remember - she is HIS problem. He chose her. If thats what he wants, thats his business.

niseixtenshi · Sep 24th, 2009, 12:43 AM

Originally Posted by littlerock

Updates? Did you talk to your Brother?

Ok, so last night we TEXTED back and forth because he probably didn't want the wife to know we were talking. I let it all out there and he was of course defending her. He said he'd talk to her at the "right time"...so we'll see. Meanwhile...I'm going to keep my distance until i completely cool down. I don't want to say anything mean because afterall...I'm going to be the mature adult here. Apparently, my brother had "no idea" we felt this way about her. He said he felt sad. Great, so I felt bad.... :T Definitely NOT what I was going for. Well, hopefully she'll learn to respect me so I'll be able to tolerate her. It'll take time..but like I told my brother...I'm willing but she's gotta give a little.

Today, she did bring my parents a little gift for our newly remodeled kitchen. Mom said...surprising..but probably for babysitting my niece a lot this week. Like I told my brother - babysteps is all I'm asking. I'm reasonable. We shall see...

Sep 22nd, 2009, 07:40 PM	#18
gina2328 Member Joined: Jul 2007 Location: Michigan Posts: 625	OP, why do you still live at home with your Mother? This is a big part of the problem. Move out and you won't have to deal with SIL very much. Also, you are a grown woman, and your Mother is still telling you how to talk to another grown woman, one that is attacking you constantly? Just to keep the peace? That is so wrong. Why does your Mother put her DIL's feelings ahead of her own daughters? That must be so hurtful to you. I think you need to talk to your brother but I don't think that is going to solve the problem. Especially since he sounds so passive. I would not be surprised if he takes his wife's side. You, your Mom, and your brother need to be a united front against this woman's abusive and childish behavior.
	__________________ Dress shabbily and they remember the dress; dress impeccably and they remember the woman -- Coco Chanel

Sep 22nd, 2009, 08:12 PM	#20
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,354	^^you should try to practice expressing your frustration without the emotion. it works but it's very hard. little step every day. don't suck it up bc that's why ppl walk all over you. make your point minus the drama is a way to go. i am trying that approach as well. don't keep the mind set that once you move out the problem will go away bc it won't. its your SIL this time and next will be your coworker / some IL or whoever intersect with your life. GL!!
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Sep 23rd, 2009, 01:19 AM	#23
Gimmethebag Gimme Gimme Gimme Joined: Dec 2008 Location: STL-Nashville-Chicago Posts: 1,109	I have no advice. Your SIL sounds awful and lazy. I would have a couple of playful jabs prepared, just in case the situation arises. Like the next time she tells you to be a responsible adult, maybe playfully make a joke about charging for your nanny services. You are out of work and she technically doesn't NEED the childcare since she "works from home." I'm really no help. I'm evil... the moment she refused to change her daughter's diaper I would have joked, "I'll change her diaper... she probably thinks I'm her mom since I watch her all the time!"
	__________________ Add Bubbles To Taste Follow me.

Sep 23rd, 2009, 07:51 AM	#24
KC1984 Member Joined: Mar 2008 Location: In my own little World Posts: 967	I think shes wrong for taking advantage of you & you're family but don't think you can comment on her as a mum unless you're really concerned about the childswelfare.
	__________________ *I know a girl, she puts the colour inside of my world XXX*

Sep 23rd, 2009, 09:44 AM	#25
Immi <3s life Joined: Aug 2009 Posts: 271	I agree with Gimmethebag. You have to say something to miss princess, and the easiest way is to use a bit of humour to take the edge off it. Don't do it in a cold or emotionally-charged way at all... because you can't ask for her to treat you fairly if it seems like you're not willing to put the past behind you as well. I suggest clearing your mind of all irritation towards her first. My own thought is that your bro should say something to her too but it doesn't seem like that will happen.
Immi <3s life Joined: Aug 2009 Posts: 271	__________________ The best things in life are free. Apart from OPI, cars, and chocolate brazil nuts...

Sep 22nd, 2009, 06:46 PM	#17
alliemia love shopping!!! Joined: Jun 2008 Location: NY Posts: 3,290	family customs or not, you shouldn't tolerate abuse. let her take care of her own child, and she doesn't need to be telling your mother that you need to do chores, if she doesn't want to see your mother doing vaccumming, then she should do it.

Sep 23rd, 2009, 10:05 AM	#26
littlerock RM & Treesje Mod Joined: Apr 2007 Location: East Coast Posts: 7,953	Updates? Did you talk to your Brother?
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Sep 23rd, 2009, 11:49 AM	#27
bagnshoofetish keep smiling.... Joined: Feb 2006 Posts: 20,383	I am not Asian so I don't understand all the dynamics of those specific inter-family relationships but just as a human being, I would only let the SIL know when she has hurt me personally. If she says something out of line or disrespectful to you just tell her, "you know, that was not necessary and very hurtful. I really wish you would not say things like that to me because all it does is cause bad feelings. Why can't you be nice?" As for her kid, there is not much you can do without causing WWIII in the family. Just be the best aunt you can be - give that little kid all the love you can so she at least has one loving, non-agressive person in her life who is actually thinking about her and not about her moms dysfunctions. Be a light in her life - anything else will make her feel like she is causing problems between all the adults in her life - please don't do that to her.
	__________________

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