I've found myself in an awkward situation...

amanda · Jun 16th, 2008, 01:12 AM

My life is awkward. Lots of you know that already! But I've got a question about some events that have transpired recently.

About 6-7 months ago, I dated a guy I worked with for approx. 2 months. It didn't work out, there were no hurt feelings, it was never serious, and we're still very friendly. By no means am I still hung up on this guy or do I have feelings for him, period.

A girlfriend of mine at work has recently started dating him. I know this for a fact, and pretty much knew it long before a third party confirmed it to me. The fact that they're a couple doesn't bother me at all (in a bizarre way, they're kind of perfect for each other), and I wish them both the best.

The awkward thing is, though, that she WON'T TELL ME that she's dating him. Neither of them would admit it to anyone publicly for a time, and now she's sat down and had a conversation with most of our other friends about it and told them, except she's sworn them all to secrecy and made them promise that they wouldn't tell ME specifically. Obviously, our mutual friends know that this guy is not on my romantic radar anymore, so they didn't take the vow of secrecy very seriously and two of them have brought it up to me. They both said that she told them that she thought that I was going to FLIP OUT when she told me.

I can't help but roll my eyes at all of this. The girl has a narcissistic streak, so it doesn't entirely surprise me that she would think that any guy she's obsessed with would obviously be the obsession of every female with which he's crossed paths - she's not particularly good at having perspective on those types of things. The subject of the guy has come up in the past, though, and I've mentioned plenty of times that I had no desire to be anything more than friends with him in the future. I've also talked with her extensively about the man that I believe is possibly the love of my life, and she knows that things between he and I have been slowly progressing towards a possible relationship recently (he and I have an extremely odd relationship, and an explanation of that is a story for another thread!), and all of my emotional energy has been focused on that for some time. She asks for an update on him every time she sees me, she's well aware!

Yet still, for some reason, she's still letting their relationship be the elephant in the room (they're affectionate with each other, but not to the point of kissing, in front of pretty much everyone), and she's telling all of our friends to not mention their relationship to me. It makes socializing awkward - we have MANY mutual friends, and she usually leaves me off the guest list when he's going to be there, but I get brought along by a friend anyway, unbeknownst to me that I wasn't supposed to be invited. Then she acts all awkward, and she doesn't like when he's flirtatious with me (which he always is, we remained friendly after we stopped dating), and she's creating so much unnecessary drama.

She has literally no logical reason to think that their relationship would create a problem between her and I, and I think it's extremely disrespectful and immature that she's acting like this. She's managed to create a self-fulfilling prophecy in that her thinking that I would be mad caused her to choose behaviors that now have ACTUALLY made me mad. I couldn't give a rat's ass who she dates, but treating me like I'm going to act like a child is definitely something that I won't tolerate. However, when she finally deigns to admit the whole thing to me, if I tell her that I'm mad that she went out of her way to make our other friends lie to me about it, I feel like she's just going to assume I'm jealous over him and won't admit it (she's that kind of girl).

So...what in the world do I do? My gut instinct says to not bring it up with her, that it's her responsibility to be mature enough to handle what shouldn't have been a problematic situation in the first place. Or should I just ask her what's going on and get it over with? And is it unwise for me to tell her that I'm irritated with how she's handled it, or should I just ignore that so she won't misinterpret it as anger over the relationship itself?

chinadoll724 · Jun 16th, 2008, 01:39 AM

If I were you, I'd just casually bring it up so that she knows you're aware that the relationship exists . . maybe just a casual "you and ___ are so cute together! how long have you been dating now?" She'll probably figure out sooner or later that you've known about it for a while now and she'll feel silly at that point. Don't let her create more drama out of nothing, but I wouldn't call her out on it and get angry about it- that just might make her enjoy the drama even more.

amber11 · Jun 16th, 2008, 01:42 AM

next time you guys are alone together i would just say , ya kno i'v heard that you and (whatever his name is) are dating and i just want you to kno i am totally fine with it and am really happy for you too, i don't want you to feel awkward around me'... just put it on her since she's the one making it awkward and after that if it keeps going on just realize shes never gonna grow up and ignore it all

Jill · Jun 16th, 2008, 01:45 AM

yep...just work it into a casual conversation.....and b like"Im so happy for u two....."

Chipper · Jun 16th, 2008, 01:46 AM

Keep it simple and just let her know that you know and wish them the best. You all work together and will see each other everyday so it's best to get it over with and move on. Nevermind the uncomfortable atmosphere--that is inevitable in any office romance--focus on yourself and the close friends you have. Hopefully she will see that and follow suit.

Good luck, I hope things turn out!

daphodill84 · Jun 16th, 2008, 02:51 AM

^^ excellent advice from all of the above... but yeah definitely let her know that you know. See how she reacts to that!!

Lululovebags · Jun 16th, 2008, 06:16 AM

i don't think you should drag this whole telling thing..talk to her and get it done and over with...you'll feel so much better.

VPT · Jun 16th, 2008, 06:39 AM

Out of the blue tell her she should wear red latex in bed because he likes his woman to.

substitute red latex for whatever color/stuff.

if she asks how you knew, just say it becomes more obvious when she's trying to hide it.

oo0ehxtahcee0oo · Jun 16th, 2008, 06:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chinadoll724

If I were you, I'd just casually bring it up so that she knows you're aware that the relationship exists . . maybe just a casual "you and ___ are so cute together! how long have you been dating now?" She'll probably figure out sooner or later that you've known about it for a while now and she'll feel silly at that point. Don't let her create more drama out of nothing, but I wouldn't call her out on it and get angry about it- that just might make her enjoy the drama even more.

ITA!! Very well said!!

IntlSet · Jun 16th, 2008, 09:35 AM

I bet her other girlfriends probably wouldn't handle it as rationally and calmly as you would, and therefore, she's behaving on past experience... trying to ignore the situation in the hopes that you don't notice! Yes, it's kind of an insult to your intelligence, and very weird, but she probably has good intentions.

She probably just doesn't realize how maturely you're taking it. Lots of girls wouldn't!

~Fabulousity~ · Jun 16th, 2008, 09:52 AM

I agree with the others, I would bring it up in a nice way, letting her know that you are ok with it all. She may be one who's uncomfortable with the fact that the man who's now pulling at her heart strings once pulled at her friends. If this is the case she really shouldn't have gotten involved with him. Also like Inslet said she may think that you are going to behave badly once you find out so this could be why she wants it to remain hush hush around you.

maddog · Jun 16th, 2008, 12:00 PM

I'd work it into a conversation, not blatently saying I know you and him are together, but more like "hey so are you and him coming to this thing?" or anything like that. If she's taken aback and ask if you knew about it, just give a chuckle and say of course nonchalently. Then you can proceed to tell her you're happy for them if she looks like she needs to be reassured of it.

RaeBelle · Jun 16th, 2008, 12:31 PM

I'd probably just come right out with it. Something like: "I'm so happy that you and x are together. Great for you! I wish you could have told me rather than have our mutual friends lie about it." But I can be painfully blunt sometimes

ShimmaPuff · Jun 16th, 2008, 01:06 PM

I may be completely wrong, but from what you say, I suspect that the boy may have "misoverestimated" the degree of enchantment in which you are held in thrall by his charms, and has shyly, but with pardonable pride and an understandable desire to let her know just what a prize he is, indicated as much to his new girlfriend, your co-worker.

Because they are both fine people, who happen to hold you in the highest regard, who would not wish their happiness to cause you any further distress beyond that from which you will naturally already be suffering, and because they are also maybe both just a smoosh more well-intentioned than sophisticated in these matters, and probably a bit giddy, in the heady bloom of new romance, they have concluded that the only way to protect you from the devastating sense of loss that you would be bound to feel upon learning that your fondest and most secret hopes are now dashed forever, like fine porcelain against a rocky cliff, is to mount a conspiracy of kindness, a campaign among your mutual friends and acquauintances of sweet Omerta.

The most tactful way to handle it is just as you have been doing, but with more jazz hands. Glow. Confide in her, and her co-conspirators, how blissfully happy you are now that you and the love of your life are reunited, and blushingly imply that you are almost certainly altar-bound. Giggle. Be caught daydreaming, smile. Blush some more. Put a little extra spring in your step, and in the presence of the dimmer bulbs, do not hesitate to prance.

One day, as if the thought has just occurred to you, express your view that she and your discarded boy would be perfect for each other. So overflow with your own romantic happiness that you wish others to know even a fraction of such joy, and in that spirit, suggest she ask him out.

gacats · Jun 16th, 2008, 01:27 PM

I say kick that elephant out of the room. Go tell her that you know she & Dude are dating & that you don't want her to feel awkward about it since you have absolutely zero feelings for him & you hate that she spends time swearing people to secrecy when there's no need.
And tell her you're interested in someone else so she doesn't think you're just saying it.

Jun 16th, 2008, 01:12 AM	#1
amanda I Bleed Georgia Red Location: Athens, GA	I've found myself in an awkward situation... My life is awkward. Lots of you know that already! But I've got a question about some events that have transpired recently. About 6-7 months ago, I dated a guy I worked with for approx. 2 months. It didn't work out, there were no hurt feelings, it was never serious, and we're still very friendly. By no means am I still hung up on this guy or do I have feelings for him, period. A girlfriend of mine at work has recently started dating him. I know this for a fact, and pretty much knew it long before a third party confirmed it to me. The fact that they're a couple doesn't bother me at all (in a bizarre way, they're kind of perfect for each other), and I wish them both the best. The awkward thing is, though, that she WON'T TELL ME that she's dating him. Neither of them would admit it to anyone publicly for a time, and now she's sat down and had a conversation with most of our other friends about it and told them, except she's sworn them all to secrecy and made them promise that they wouldn't tell ME specifically. Obviously, our mutual friends know that this guy is not on my romantic radar anymore, so they didn't take the vow of secrecy very seriously and two of them have brought it up to me. They both said that she told them that she thought that I was going to FLIP OUT when she told me. I can't help but roll my eyes at all of this. The girl has a narcissistic streak, so it doesn't entirely surprise me that she would think that any guy she's obsessed with would obviously be the obsession of every female with which he's crossed paths - she's not particularly good at having perspective on those types of things. The subject of the guy has come up in the past, though, and I've mentioned plenty of times that I had no desire to be anything more than friends with him in the future. I've also talked with her extensively about the man that I believe is possibly the love of my life, and she knows that things between he and I have been slowly progressing towards a possible relationship recently (he and I have an extremely odd relationship, and an explanation of that is a story for another thread!), and all of my emotional energy has been focused on that for some time. She asks for an update on him every time she sees me, she's well aware! Yet still, for some reason, she's still letting their relationship be the elephant in the room (they're affectionate with each other, but not to the point of kissing, in front of pretty much everyone), and she's telling all of our friends to not mention their relationship to me. It makes socializing awkward - we have MANY mutual friends, and she usually leaves me off the guest list when he's going to be there, but I get brought along by a friend anyway, unbeknownst to me that I wasn't supposed to be invited. Then she acts all awkward, and she doesn't like when he's flirtatious with me (which he always is, we remained friendly after we stopped dating), and she's creating so much unnecessary drama. She has literally no logical reason to think that their relationship would create a problem between her and I, and I think it's extremely disrespectful and immature that she's acting like this. She's managed to create a self-fulfilling prophecy in that her thinking that I would be mad caused her to choose behaviors that now have ACTUALLY made me mad. I couldn't give a rat's ass who she dates, but treating me like I'm going to act like a child is definitely something that I won't tolerate. However, when she finally deigns to admit the whole thing to me, if I tell her that I'm mad that she went out of her way to make our other friends lie to me about it, I feel like she's just going to assume I'm jealous over him and won't admit it (she's that kind of girl). So...what in the world do I do? My gut instinct says to not bring it up with her, that it's her responsibility to be mature enough to handle what shouldn't have been a problematic situation in the first place. Or should I just ask her what's going on and get it over with? And is it unwise for me to tell her that I'm irritated with how she's handled it, or should I just ignore that so she won't misinterpret it as anger over the relationship itself? __________________ PROUD TO BE A UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA BULLDOG! Read my blog: http://graduationday.wordpress.com

Jun 16th, 2008, 01:46 AM	#5
Chipper formerly ChocoG**** Location: By the sea in SD...	Keep it simple and just let her know that you know and wish them the best. You all work together and will see each other everyday so it's best to get it over with and move on. Nevermind the uncomfortable atmosphere--that is inevitable in any office romance--focus on yourself and the close friends you have. Hopefully she will see that and follow suit. Good luck, I hope things turn out! __________________ Chipper We are tPF, restoring the U.S. economy, one purse at a time.

Jun 16th, 2008, 02:51 AM	#6
daphodill84 Member	^^ excellent advice from all of the above... but yeah definitely let her know that you know. See how she reacts to that!! __________________ Wishlist: Grenat, Ink, Sapphire/Violet, Bubblegum, Sahara, Rouge Theatre, '05 White, Amethyst, Electric Blue, Turquoise. RM Rosegold/Whitewash Matinee, Violet Matinee, Tangerine Plan B Hobo, BBW MAM, Rosegold MAM, Ocean Steady, Black Elisha, Getaway Satchel. MAM in every colour! My Collection (Work in Progress): http://forum.purseblog.com/your-bag-...ng-270617.html

Jun 16th, 2008, 06:16 AM	#7
Lululovebags Member Location: Earth	i don't think you should drag this whole telling thing..talk to her and get it done and over with...you'll feel so much better. __________________ "keep your head up high. there are ppl that would kill to see you fall".

Jun 16th, 2008, 06:39 AM	#8
VPT i ♥ blood oranges Location: Singapore / Vancouver	Out of the blue tell her she should wear red latex in bed because he likes his woman to. substitute red latex for whatever color/stuff. if she asks how you knew, just say it becomes more obvious when she's trying to hide it. __________________

Jun 16th, 2008, 01:39 AM	#2
chinadoll724 Member	If I were you, I'd just casually bring it up so that she knows you're aware that the relationship exists . . maybe just a casual "you and ___ are so cute together! how long have you been dating now?" She'll probably figure out sooner or later that you've known about it for a while now and she'll feel silly at that point. Don't let her create more drama out of nothing, but I wouldn't call her out on it and get angry about it- that just might make her enjoy the drama even more.

Jun 16th, 2008, 01:42 AM	#3
amber11 Member	next time you guys are alone together i would just say , ya kno i'v heard that you and (whatever his name is) are dating and i just want you to kno i am totally fine with it and am really happy for you too, i don't want you to feel awkward around me'... just put it on her since she's the one making it awkward and after that if it keeps going on just realize shes never gonna grow up and ignore it all

Jun 16th, 2008, 01:45 AM	#4
Jill	yep...just work it into a casual conversation.....and b like"Im so happy for u two....."

Jun 16th, 2008, 09:35 AM	#10
IntlSet Bonjour! Location: Chicago	I bet her other girlfriends probably wouldn't handle it as rationally and calmly as you would, and therefore, she's behaving on past experience... trying to ignore the situation in the hopes that you don't notice! Yes, it's kind of an insult to your intelligence, and very weird, but she probably has good intentions. She probably just doesn't realize how maturely you're taking it. Lots of girls wouldn't! __________________ http://drinkmorechampagne.wordpress.com/

Jun 16th, 2008, 09:52 AM	#11
~Fabulousity~ ...is rebooting	I agree with the others, I would bring it up in a nice way, letting her know that you are ok with it all. She may be one who's uncomfortable with the fact that the man who's now pulling at her heart strings once pulled at her friends. If this is the case she really shouldn't have gotten involved with him. Also like Inslet said she may think that you are going to behave badly once you find out so this could be why she wants it to remain hush hush around you. __________________ Every adversity, every failure, and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit - Napoleon Hill

Jun 16th, 2008, 12:00 PM	#12
maddog Mmmkay	I'd work it into a conversation, not blatently saying I know you and him are together, but more like "hey so are you and him coming to this thing?" or anything like that. If she's taken aback and ask if you knew about it, just give a chuckle and say of course nonchalently. Then you can proceed to tell her you're happy for them if she looks like she needs to be reassured of it.

Jun 16th, 2008, 12:31 PM	#13
RaeBelle Member	I'd probably just come right out with it. Something like: "I'm so happy that you and x are together. Great for you! I wish you could have told me rather than have our mutual friends lie about it." But I can be painfully blunt sometimes

Jun 16th, 2008, 01:06 PM	#14
ShimmaPuff Sentient Post Whore Location: Earth	I may be completely wrong, but from what you say, I suspect that the boy may have "misoverestimated" the degree of enchantment in which you are held in thrall by his charms, and has shyly, but with pardonable pride and an understandable desire to let her know just what a prize he is, indicated as much to his new girlfriend, your co-worker. Because they are both fine people, who happen to hold you in the highest regard, who would not wish their happiness to cause you any further distress beyond that from which you will naturally already be suffering, and because they are also maybe both just a smoosh more well-intentioned than sophisticated in these matters, and probably a bit giddy, in the heady bloom of new romance, they have concluded that the only way to protect you from the devastating sense of loss that you would be bound to feel upon learning that your fondest and most secret hopes are now dashed forever, like fine porcelain against a rocky cliff, is to mount a conspiracy of kindness, a campaign among your mutual friends and acquauintances of sweet Omerta. The most tactful way to handle it is just as you have been doing, but with more jazz hands. Glow. Confide in her, and her co-conspirators, how blissfully happy you are now that you and the love of your life are reunited, and blushingly imply that you are almost certainly altar-bound. Giggle. Be caught daydreaming, smile. Blush some more. Put a little extra spring in your step, and in the presence of the dimmer bulbs, do not hesitate to prance. One day, as if the thought has just occurred to you, express your view that she and your discarded boy would be perfect for each other. So overflow with your own romantic happiness that you wish others to know even a fraction of such joy, and in that spirit, suggest she ask him out. __________________ http://www.tzuchi.org/ http://www.commongroundrelief.org http://www.oxfamunwrapped.com/chooseagift.aspx Your Friendly Resident Poor Person Embrace Inspired Pride! http://mangonocturna.blogspot.com/

Jun 16th, 2008, 01:27 PM	#15
gacats love me some bags! Location: Georgia	I say kick that elephant out of the room. Go tell her that you know she & Dude are dating & that you don't want her to feel awkward about it since you have absolutely zero feelings for him & you hate that she spends time swearing people to secrecy when there's no need. And tell her you're interested in someone else so she doesn't think you're just saying it. __________________ GaCats Proud Navy Mom My 2009 wish list: Chanel Ultimate Soft medium handbag in black Louis Vuitton Panda pochette Something Goyard- yeah, that'll happen.....