It's my 4year Anniversary today and I'm so sad..

[misschbby]

^^^ok i think your friend needs to shut the hell up !! take the time to heal and when the time is right there will be a queue as long as the block of men who want to date you trust me and take care

[Ellie Mae]

Hi Minismurf.... and thanks for answering my all my questions. There does appear to be a pattern in the fact that he's not honest, and there are now two 4-year marriages.... which does concern me w/ his ability to commit.
I honestly don't think you can look back and "guess" what might have happened if you had not had children so soon.. etc. Don't do that to yourself, as there is no benefit in it. It is what it is. Simply focus on the reality of today and don't wear yourself out w/ "what if".
LOOK FORWARD, not backward.

Per a website called womansdivorce.com, the Emotional Stages of Divorce are:

• Denial: "This is not happening to me. It's all a misunderstanding. It's just a midlife crisis. We can work it out."
• Anger and resentment: "How can he [she] do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? This is not fair!"
• Bargaining: "If you'll stay, I'll change" or "If I agree to do it [money, childrearing, sex, whatever] your way, can we get back together?"
• Depression: "This is really happening, I can't do anything about it, and I don't think I can bear it."
• Acceptance: "Okay, this is how it is, and I'd rather accept it and move on than wallow in the past."

There is alot of info on this website, some may be helpful http://www.womansdivorce.com/index.html
There is also a small forum/message board where you can share with others who are going thru this alongside you.

From some of your posts, you sound like you are moving from depression to acceptance...?? And that is good, as that is most likely when you can start to look forward and begin to PLAN for what is going to be necessary for the future of you and your babies.
As a SAHM, you may need a really aggressive attorney who can hopefully help you obtain proper financial assistance from your H for the upbringing of the children.

I think that you have to simply take life one day at a time. You really seem to be gaining a very positive outlook and attitude. Try to focus your energies on moving forward and making a plan for yourself and your children. There is not anything about divorce that is easy. But your own spiriual and emotional attitude will affect your ability to plan and to cope.

You don't strike me as a weak or fearful woman. You seem to be a woman of much strength. LOOK FORWARD, think positive, cry, holler, and scream when you need to. Every day is a new day, and luckily, each day, we are given the opportunity to re-focus and move forward. Prayers and best wishes to you!

[SevenFive]

Originally Posted by KristyDarling

Sigh. Your post made me so sad. But even sadder for your (ex?)DH. It's his 2nd marriage, he's 39, and he STILL says he wants to enjoy the single life? Clearly he doesn't know himself at all....still lost and searching. I'm just sorry that his emptiness has affected *your* life in this way. I'm so glad to hear that you're in the beginning phase of moving forward with your life -- as hard as it might be, it sounds like the absolute right thing to do. I agree with the others -- distract yourself with the positive aspects of your life: friends, time with the kids, family, a hot cup of tea and a chick flick with a friend. Just remember that even though everything feels awful right now, this time WILL pass and a new chapter is about to open up for you. Hugs!!!

Very profound words. Don't let him drag you down with his ship. He isn't happy with himself and there is nothing you can do to make that ok.
My thoughts are with you.

[christymarie340]

I'm so sorry, I totally understand. Just repeat these mantras:

~this too, shall pass~

~whatever does not kill me, WILL make me stronger~

hugs to you-xo

[BagAngel]

So sorry that you are going through this. Regardless of the circumstances of a breakup there is always sadness for what might have been. I just pray that you will get the strength to move on.

[Samia]

[coachlover1000]

Sorry to hear that you're hurting Hon. I wish I could help, but there's really no advice I can give. I've got you in my thoughts. Take care.
xx

[minismurf04]

Elliemae: thank you for your words of wisdom...and of course for everyone else's as well. I've gone thru the posts and reread them just now because I really feel the need for strength to move on.

i'm scared out of my wits here..but also very frustrated with my situation. he's still here living under the same roof, sleeping in separate bedrooms, eating my food, wearing the clothes that i wash, etc. i feel like he's holding back from announcing to anyone of our separation(probably feels ashamed of his failed marriage..); so i feel like he wants me to play pretend with him. I seem to have the perfect family/marriage/life, but it's such a sham! I'm so frustrated because I can't move on yet I can't go back. I'm simply stuck mid air..

He says he'll be moving out by the end of the month, yet with his schedule, I really doubt that. Nevertheless, will this frustration/confliction pass too once he moves and when we actually do live separately???!!!??? I really need that light at the end of the tunnel...something to look forward to!!! arrrrrghhhhhh!

[Ellie Mae]

Originally Posted by minismurf04

Elliemae: thank you for your words of wisdom...and of course for everyone else's as well. I've gone thru the posts and reread them just now because I really feel the need for strength to move on. i'm scared out of my wits here..but also very frustrated with my situation. he's still here living under the same roof, sleeping in separate bedrooms, eating my food, wearing the clothes that i wash, etc. i feel like he's holding back from announcing to anyone of our separation(probably feels ashamed of his failed marriage..); so i feel like he wants me to play pretend with him. I seem to have the perfect family/marriage/life, but it's such a sham! I'm so frustrated because I can't move on yet I can't go back. I'm simply stuck mid air.. He says he'll be moving out by the end of the month, yet with his schedule, I really doubt that. Nevertheless, will this frustration/confliction pass too once he moves and when we actually do live separately???!!!??? I really need that light at the end of the tunnel...something to look forward to!!! arrrrrghhhhhh!

Hmmm.... having this man who says he's "outta here" still living in my home, expecting me to cook his meals and do his laundry would not be tolerated. I think you need to call his bluff and (a) stop cooking for him, diong his laundry, etc.. and (b) tell him to GO NOW if he's going. I cannot imagine the tension in your home. Why should you have to endure that? Your home would surely be more peaceful when he is not in it every day making you a nervous wreck. You are indeed "stuck mid-air"... push that sucker out of the plane!

[cafire]

Just a couple of comments...

- Regarding the grief progression...you can cycle through the ENTIRE THING in a single day, so don't be worried if you seem to go back and forth...that's the nature of working though this.

- Stop doing his laundry immediately. Tell him to buy his own food. Do you rent or do you both own your place? If you own it, you will have a hard time forcing him to leave if he doesn't want to. If you rent, are you under a lease? You want to make sure you have a leg to stand on if/when you want to tell him to get out.

I found that things improved IMMENSELY once my STBX moved out. I still had grief to work through, but a lot of the tension was gone, and I didn't feel so "stuck" in a phase where it seemed like nothing could progress for the better.

[dusty paws]

Hi - I don't have much to say but I just wanted to stop and give you some hugs. <3

[jennified_]

I haven't read any of the other posts but all I gotta say is you are YOUNG and there will be plenty of time to find someone that cherishes every moment with you! Don't waste the pretty!!!

Keep your head up darling! :)