It's my 4year Anniversary today and I'm so sad..

[risingsun]

Originally Posted by boxermom

I'm sorry. This must be such a hard time for you. He sounds kind of immature for his age. I would say don't keep giving him chances--he's told you who he is--someone who wants to live like a bachelor. Hold your head up high and take good care of yourself and your child.

I agree with boxermom. Stay strong and do something nice for yourself. This man, evidently, does not know how to be a husband.

[Zophie]

Originally Posted by risingsun

I agree with boxermom. Stay strong and do something nice for yourself. This man, evidently, does not know how to be a husband.

I agree. I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. That's got to be horrible, and I know how it feels to have that little 10% hope that maybe everything will work out.

[Ellie Mae]

Minismurf... first of all, I am sorry Hon. I am sorry for YOUR pain.
If I may be so crude, I have a few questions...

1. HIS 2nd marriage... are there children from that marriage also? IF SO, does he provide financial support and see them?
2. How long have YOUR marriage issue been going on? And has HE given you a specific "reason" for his wish to separate?
3. If he leaves, do you plan to file for divorce?
4. How old are your children?
5. Who is the breadwinner in your home.. him or you?

And if you cannot or do not wish to answer these questions, I understand. I do have a point to make, but my point is dependant upon your answers.

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by minismurf04

"True strength is when you hold up when everyone else expects you to break down." However, I just don't think I can hold up TODAY of all days. I'm just so sad and angry inside and that lil voice in the back of mind is telling me "I can't do this" repeatedly. How do I get thru this ladies/gents? I'm so lost~

"holding up" is overrated. trust me. I am the queen of keeping it together and people always say "oh you are so strong!" BS. at times like those, I am falling apart inside and wait till people leave to start bawling like a baby. you don't have to be brave. you have nothing to prove to anyone. you are hurting and have every right to express it. even if it is by yourself. tell your little voice to shut the hell up - because not only can you do this, you are in the middle of doing it. all you need to do is take one small moment at a time and accept what it brings. if you need to holler, holler. if you need to cry, cry. if you need to punch something, punch a pillow. if you need to laugh, laugh out loud. however your emotions come out accept them and let them be. you have to let the storm pass before the calm returns and it eventually will.

[Ellie Mae]

Originally Posted by bagnshoofetish

"holding up" is overrated. trust me. I am the queen of keeping it together and people always say "oh you are so strong!" BS. at times like those, I am falling apart inside and wait till people leave to start bawling like a baby. you don't have to be brave. you have nothing to prove to anyone. you are hurting and have every right to express it. even if it is by yourself. tell your little voice to shut the hell up - because not only can you do this, you are in the middle of doing it. all you need to do is take one small moment at a time and accept what it brings. if you need to holler, holler. if you need to cry, cry. if you need to punch something, punch a pillow. if you need to laugh, laugh out loud. however your emotions come out accept them and let them be. you have to let the storm pass before the calm returns and it eventually will.

FABULOUS advice!!

[rainedrop1019]

You ARE strong and you CAN do it. Like Shoo said - you're doing it right now. You have gone through so much and despite it all, you have handled it to the best of your ability. You have done the best you could and there is NOTHING that you should be ashamed about. NOTHING. Take the time to heal yourself, please and remember, you are a special, strong, resilient lady, mother and woman. If he's 39 and still thinks he needs to live the single life then clearly marriage isn't for him. I'm so sorry he had to drag you through all this but I respect you for being so strong and carrying on.

Do you have family or close friends with you can stay for a bit? I know when I'm sad, I always want to run home to my family like a little girl. Please reach out to your friends/family if they are nearby. I hope they will be able to help you get through this. And there is all of us here!

[BAGLADY-SHOEFLY]

I know this is not your anniversary anymore but I wanted to support you even though right now I hope you are past the pain of the ill-fated holiday. The best I can tell you is if he is not ready @ 39 he will not be ready @ 45,51 etc... He is considered an eternal child who is not willing to grow up and embrace adult relationships. The worst part is that you are ready for the forever family, and love keeps you with the one who is not meant for you. My advice is to feel the pain if you push it aside for the sake of others or to appear strong, the only person you are hurting is you. By not allowing yourself to feel the motions, you rob yourself of precious time to feel and heel. Let yourself go through whatever feels natural to you, the end of a marriage is a time of mourning. Embrace that and you will come out stronger and more prepared for that great lasting love that is in your future. If you don't you will be so guarded it will be hard for you to let the right one into your heart. If you ever want to chat or just vent PM me or drop me a line I am glad to respond or just listen! Best wishes for you

[minismurf04]

Thank you Purseaddict, bagladie, luckygirl, veronique, dearmissie, jenneen, exotickitten, kristydarling, ahertz for all of your posts. He took the kids to his parents house for dinner without me(I wasn't invited), so I planned dinner with a girlfriend and I actually went for drinks afterwards. I just wanted to be away, and it helped tons that my gf was there for me. By chatting with her, I was able to keep my mind off of it most of the time without consciously trying like I normally do.

[minismurf04]

Originally Posted by boxermom

I'm sorry. This must be such a hard time for you. He sounds kind of immature for his age. I would say don't keep giving him chances--he's told you who he is--someone who wants to live like a bachelor. Hold your head up high and take good care of yourself and your child.

Hi boxermom, yes I know that but it's just much easier said than done. Everytime when I get emotionally weak, I give him another chance..but yes I'm done doing that it is time to move on. I feel like such an idiot for giving him chances when he clearly doesn't want them. sigh*

[minismurf04]

Originally Posted by randr21

try to move on to a life where you are all u need to be happy, and if someone new does come along, eventually, great. if not, youve already got yourself and the kids.

Thank you so much randr! This is what I need to do..be the one that makes myself happy. I've always been alone and there's always a guy in the picture in my life that I should really learn how to make myself happy. I still have so much to learn about myself that this will be a new phase of my life for me. Intimidatingly new..but I will learn to embrace the change. You always seem to give good advices here...thanks much!

[minismurf04]

Oops missed you ilove6kies, thank you and vhdos, midnitesun for your hugs concern. It's been difficult for me for a while now (we've decided to split since April) and have been seeing a lawyer about all the details. I should really have been ready to move on and be brave, but it seems like I've moved thru different stages of emotions since then. How many stages are there???!!?? Just wish I knew so I can tell myself that I'm almost there!

[minismurf04]

Risingsun: yes, he's a very closed off person with unresolved family issues. for every little boy that grew up with family issues, they eventually end up hurting their own relationships. sigh* it's a cycle and i just hope and pray that my son and daughter will have the right upbringing to be truly happy individuals.

[minismurf04]

If I may be so crude, I have a few questions...

1. HIS 2nd marriage... are there children from that marriage also? IF SO, does he provide financial support and see them?
2. How long have YOUR marriage issue been going on? And has HE given you a specific "reason" for his wish to separate?
3. If he leaves, do you plan to file for divorce?
4. How old are your children?
5. Who is the breadwinner in your home.. him or you?

And if you cannot or do not wish to answer these questions, I understand. I do have a point to make, but my point is dependant upon your answers.[/QUOTE]

1. No children from 2nd marriage. Ex moved out of the country, but he'd told me he was married for a year when we dated and that they just grew apart both ambitious in their careers. In therapy, I found out he was married for 4 and he says, "what's the difference?!?" errrrr.....If I'd known that, I would've digged deeper to find out what the issue was and whether it's been resolved. But at the time, I just thought that they didn't give each other enough time and attention to work it out.

2. Our marriage has been going downhill since having kids. We were pregnant after the honeymoon and I think we just didn't experience our two people world, and going thru the new dynamic of being married before having to adjust again to having kids. I was the one who said I wanted to separate because I was so tired of trying and him not trying at all. It's not a decision that I really wanted but I was seriously on the verge of a breakdown with our marriage. Nothing worked because he didn't want it enough. He was away most of the time, traveling for work and for his personal hobby-racing. He committed his time to racing (in other countries) once a month last year and this year and he didn't even bother to ask me this year whether he could. Last year he sorta asked but it wouldn't have matter what I said, he would've still gone ahead. I think he's just sick of work pressure and adding on to it is the kind of pressure that I give him for our marriage to be better; he'd just rather not fight and not have that. In this case it works out better for him b/c he still has kids, just with me out of the picture.

3. Yes we're legally separating and once the year is up we will file for divorce.

4. My son is 3yrs old and my daughter is 17months

5. He's the breadwinner, I've been a sahm.

[minismurf04]

Haha...that made me laugh Bagshoofetish! Yes, it is overrated!! I'm probably saying that because I can't do it! lol. I want to be strong, but how strong is strong enough? I really don't know. I'm doing the best that I can manage at the moment...

Raindrop: No..no family here and my friends are a bit far. My husband wanted to look for a house here and I made the move for him. It's not that far but far enough that my friends wanted me to drive out to meet them since I'm the only one out here. I've drifted so far away from my friends because of this, but I was content with being a wife and mom that I rarely went out. My friends are still there for me though so I'm really glad that the true ones stay til the end.

[minismurf04]

Originally Posted by BAGLADY-SHOEFLY

I know this is not your anniversary anymore but I wanted to support you even though right now I hope you are past the pain of the ill-fated holiday. The best I can tell you is if he is not ready @ 39 he will not be ready @ 45,51 etc...

Thank you Baglady for your support!! I made it thru the day and all thanks to FRIENDS(yes you all from the PF)! I guess he isn't going to be ready anytime soon..since his issues will always be unresolved since he's so closed off. sigh. I'm not waiting around for it and I'm not going to look for anymore relationships. FYI in the asn community, a divorcee with young children just isn't the most appealing candidate. Even my guy friend told me that there might be one that might just love me and the kids but mostly will just want a one night stand! lolz...(I know he was just trying to prepare me) But I'm alright with that. If I never meet the right man, I'm determined to be happy with just my lil family.