Issues with In Laws

[absolutpink]

I'll try to make this as quick and to the point as I can... I can really go off when I talk about my in laws, lol.
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I'll be totally honest and say that I don't like my in laws at all, I've never liked them, but I really have tried. I've done shopping trips, dinners, gone for coffee, tried to share interests, you name it! Yet it's never worked and after trying so hard for so long, a few years ago I decided to just give up and just accept that we don't get along. DH gave up a loooong time ago. DH and I have been together for just over 8 years in total (1.5 years of those married) and it's always been quite a big struggle because of his parents and sisters*(he has three). DH is nothing like his family and so neither am I and there has just been issue after issue after issue with them. People are speechless when they hear the things they have said/done to us over the years. They are sly, untrustworthy, two faced, they're just horrible people. On the surface they're very religious (well his sister's and mom are, his dad isn't) but other than attending church they are completely opposite of what their religion stands for. They have tried so many times to split us up because they wanted my DH to become a priest (completely ridiculous, most people can see just from meeting him how ludicrous that sounds!) and because they don't like me. Dh and I are just very different to them. His sister's have no interest in clothes, shopping, travelling. They don't*do their hair or makeup and they're just not into the things I'm into. Dh has quite a few tattoos, whereas his family are against anything like that. They're basically opposed to a lot of the things we do and like.
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Although we've had some struggles with this during our relationship, I'm terrified that he will turn into his parents and he is too, even though he's nothing like them. My huge saving grace has always been that DH has a worse relationship with his parents than I do. We normally only see them a handful of times a year (and they're in the same city as us) and usually when we do see them it's because I am the one who says that we should go (family get together, wedding, anniversary party, etc.), if it was upto him he would never see them.
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My in laws aren't financially well off but they control DH's sister's with money. They pay for everything for them (they're all in their early 20's) and in return they expect them to do what they want, when they want. DH broke free from this as soon as he turned 18. He moved out the day after his 18th Birthday and when he was 19 he bought a condo still in the same city as his parents but physically as far away from them as he could get, they're in the far NW of the city and his condo was in the far SE. What bothers me the most about them is that none of them (sisters included) have any idea who my DH really is. They have never made an effort to get to know him and the guy they have built up in their heads is nothing like who he really is. Whenever he does something that his mom doesn't like she always thinks that his mind has been taken over by someone else (usually me actually, lol). He has always been into tattoos, even way before I met him, yet she thinks that someone has convinced him to get his tattoos and that he doesn't really want them.*He thinks that when he bought his condo he really wanted to be in the NW with them but the sales person took over his mind and convinced him to get on in the SE. He's a very strong willed and determined person and when there's something he doesn't want to do, he doesn't do it. Trust me!! Yet she has this guy built up in her head who doesn't exist. I've asked him before why he doesn't set them straight on things and he said he doesn't care enough.
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Out of his three sisters he talks to one of them sometimes. She's actually not that bad and not really like the rest of them, she told me (in confidence) over the Summer that once she's done her degree she'd like to move away from the family to get away from all the BS. The other two sisters he hasn't talked to in years (other than Christmas, etc.) because they're exactly like his mom and he doesn't get along with them.
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Hopefully that gives enough background... even though I could really go on forever. If I told you some of the things they have said/done over the years your mouths would probably be wide open with shock!
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Anyway. We recently went on a vacation and just before we left my MIL called up DH (she has never ever called me, actually no one in his family has) and said they would like to give us some money for our trip. They gave us $500 and even though our trip has came and went, we haven't spent any of it. The cash is just sitting in a drawer in our kitchen.
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My in laws are very abrupt and snappy whenever they talk to people. They're very high on themselves and they think they're better than everyone else and it definitely comes through whenever anyone talks to them, even just in regular day to day conversation. Anyway, lately over the past couple of weeks, I've been noticing that DH is starting to talk like them a little bit and he has definitely adopted their higher than mighty attitude. He's very snappy and abrupt and it's been bothering me a lot but I haven't known how to approach him and tell him to tone it down. If we go to a family event for his family then for like a day after he is sometimes like this but he's been like this for two weeks. Then I find out yesterday that his mom has been calling him every day since we got back from our vacation. That is very strange. She normally only calls him once every 3-6 months and it's usually for a reason (Birthday, Christmas, big family event, etc.). I asked him why she's been calling so much and he said he doesn't know, she's not been calling with a reason. He said it's been really weird because she calls him and doesn't talk about much but won't let him hang up. Whenever he has to go she reminds him of the money they gave to us. Also, the two sister's that he doesn't get along with have also called him in the past two weeks too, even though he has never talked to them on the phone before. His mom wants him, his parents, and his sisters to go somewhere for the weekend. His oldest sister's husband is invited but I'm not. Apparently it's a "family only thing". He said he won't do it because "he'd want to shoot himself" but still, I think it's wrong for her to even suggest that they go away for a weekend and his wife isn't welcome.
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What really bothers me is the things they've been talking about. Considering he has never had a close relationship with his parents and that they have always managed to throw everything back into his face, I feel like he can't trust them with everything, not just yet anyway. We've been looking into leaving the country because we're both very unhappy with where we're living but we decided that until we make a final decision we won't tell anyone. He told his mother. I have been getting into modeling a little bit lately but I've been very clear that I don't want anyone knowing about it until I actually get somewhere with it (if I get somewhere, lol) and yet he told his mother. I guess he told her about issues with my family, things going on with my work, everything. I am really not happy that he has told her these things. In the past every single time we have told her anything it has somehow come back to us in a negative way. I just have a really bad feeling about all of this. I asked him why he's telling her so much after years of not telling her anything and he said he doesn't know and she just brings it out of him. She's very very manipulative and I just really don't like any of this. I especially don't like that their way of talking to people has now brushed off on him. He has been snappy with me lately and just showing a general lack of respect to everyone that I can't take. He is acting so much like them.
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Obviously we need to give the money back. Ever since dh moved out he hasn't taken a penny from his parents and I think it needs to stay that way. They are extremely controlling and I think even that $500 will change things a lot with them. I don't know what to do about the conversations. Of course I have no control over how often they talk, and that's fine, but I don't want any of my personal business coming up. I don't want them to talk about me, my family, my job, or our relationship. I just don't see it going well. It never has in the past and I don't see how it would be any different now. Maybe she's trying to change but after 8 years of being treated like total cr@p <mailto:cr@p> I'm not about to let all of my guards down and trust her. I feel like she has to earn her way into our lives after all of the hell she's put us through. It really has been that bad... Also, I would like*DH to go back to the way he was a few weeks ago before he was talking to her so much, when he wasn't being a total a$s to everyone. I just don't know how to do that. DH agrees that we should give the money back. He doesn't know if she'll stop calling him and honestly even if she does, it doesn't change that I'm hurt that he has told her so many things that we didn't want to tell anyone about just yet.
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Any advice? Has anyone been through something similar? I don't want this to affect our relationship but I'm worried that it will. Although they've done some pretty horrible things to us (especially DH) over the years the one thing that has always worked in our favour is that we have been in complete agreement over everything and we haven't let them affect us and our relationship.
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Thanks for listening, sorry this was so long!

[Pishi]

My advice is that you need to talk to your husband. You and he must have an agreed upon level of privacy in terms of communication with the outside world. Sort of a concept of primary loyalty. You and he have to get on the same terms if you want "defense" against his family.

I can't comment on his family, other than to say that it sounds like they will interfere if provided the opportunity. So it's up to the both of you to determine if you will provide them that opportunity or not. Since it is his family, he has to step up to the plate. It sounds like in the past he hasn't wanted to deal with it and he's been passive, which is not the same thing as setting boundaries! He might think he has in the past, but unlikely his family views it that way. The only one who can effectively set boundaries is him. You can be supportive, but he has to do it.

Secondly, once you are able to get on the same page in regards to approach on primary loyalty, you can tackle the other things: get the money back to his family asap, and discuss with him if he's feeling all right. As soon as he is receptive (easier that way) tell him you're worried about him, that he seems out of temper, etc.

Hope this makes sense. He has to tackle the family, set boundaries to make sure you are comfortable and that you are both presenting a united front, and then you can work on some of the other communication issues.

If he hasn't "been like them", it's unlikely that all of a sudden he's going to turn into them. You just need to get him to talk to you, and just as importantly, draw boundaries for them. This might take some time...

[natalie78]

I agree, you need to talk with him to find out if he's going to take a stand. From what you described, I don't understand why you chose to take money from them, but you do need to give it back. If you really don't get along and don't like them, then it would be wrong to keep the money. Why did they offer it in the first place? Was it a gift to show that they want to try to work things out? Was it meant to be a means of control? Is it possible that they are trying to extend some sort of olive branch to you?

For the sake of your relationship, you need to have a convo with DH. He needs to decide if he's going to stand with you or them. But be prepared for an answer that you may not like.

[absolutpink]

Thanks for the replies. Honestly, the only reason that he took the money was because he thinks it was easier for him to take the money than explain to them why we didn't want it. We definitely didn't need it, the money has sat in that drawer since we got it. I think too that dh was secretly hoping to take it to Vegas with us (one of the places on our trip) and play blackjack with it, lol.*They have tried to do this a few times, it's just a method of control with them. We haven't accepted it from them before because we've always said that we don't need it but I think he was just doing it to keep them quiet. Everything with his family is always to keep them quiet. Dh is an atheist but he won't tell his family that because of the trouble it will cause. Whenever they suggest something weird instead of telling them that he's not interested he just says he'll think about it. Even though he has no intention of thinking about it he says that just to keep them quiet. I wish he would just speak up and say no! He said he spent years telling them no on things but they never listen and it turns into fights so it's easier this way. Sometimes he will agree with them on things just to shut them up, even though he doesn't agree. I see it as him just feeding into this weird idea of him that they have and it drives me insane.
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I talked to him about it this morning a little. I told him that*he had no right telling her about modeling or my raise at work and I don't*want any of that kind of thing shared with them.*In the past we have told them nothing. We will tell them normal every day*things like what*we did on the weekend, etc. but*nothing else. He said today that he doesn't know why he told her so much these past couple of weeks, he said he felt like he had to.*I'm sure that comes down to the emotional control she tries to have over everyone.*
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He admitted to me today that she had him agreeing to things that he doesn't agree with it and saying that he likes things that he doesn't actually like, and he doesn't know why. His mom is a teacher, she teaches Religion and Math. I went to Catholic schools growing up and I remember how the Religion teachers were, they were so much like his mom. They wouldn't give you any other option than to agree with them. Sometimes I get the feeling that she treats dh like one of her students.
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We agreed that the money is going back to them so he said he's dropping it off at their house today. He'll thank*them but let them know that we*don't need it.*Hopefully that will break the tie they seem to think they have lately.
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[Nikkeipursefan]

I agree with Pishi and natalie78 too - the title of your post should really be "trouble with my DH" since he is the one letting his parents back into your lives this way, by sharing things and accepting money.

A lot of the OP's post resonates with me, and we moved away from HB's hometown/country just over two years ago in an attempt to break free. We've also turned down many offers of money, including one where they said they'd buy us a house if we'd stay local (HB has four siblings who all moved away 15 years ago across the ocean). Now they're in poor health and they refuse to do anything reasonable and long-lasting to help themselves, expecting that the guilt would draw in one of the adult children to help them out (which so far isn't working, but it's like watching a train crash).

Sorry to hijack your thread - I'll stop now. I hope your HB comes around to seeing your perspective - at the very least, he should not be sharing news about your life with his mother because it makes you feel uncomfortable.

[dallas]

Originally Posted by absolutpink

He's a very strong willed and determined person and when there's something he doesn't want to do, he doesn't do it. Trust me!! Yet she has this guy built up in her head who doesn't exist. I've asked him before why he doesn't set them straight on things and he said he doesn't care enough.

Originally Posted by absolutpink

Whenever they suggest something weird instead of telling them that he's not interested he just says he'll think about it. Even though he has no intention of thinking about it he says that just to keep them quiet. I wish he would just speak up and say no! * He admitted to me today that she had him agreeing to things that he doesn't agree with it and saying that he likes things that he doesn't actually like, and he doesn't know why.

The above quotes really stood out to me because someone who is so strong-willed would surely spot this family crap a mile away. So either he isn't as strong willed as you perceive him to be, or perhaps he isn't being entirely honest with his feelings regarding his family. Either way, calm communication is the way to get to the bottom of this.
Good luck, I get a sense this is like a nightmare unfolding before your very eyes.

[one fifty]

I agree with the others (I've had my own share of MIL troubles) that it is your DH who needs to face up to his family situation and nobody else including you can do it for him

[alliemia]

it comes off like he is saying his mother is using some kind of mind-control technique and getting him to say all this stuff. i'm sorry, but i don't buy it. unless she is hypnotizing him, he is saying the stuff on his own free will. if he really can't control himself from spilling all the info, he shouldn't pick up the phone. let the machine get it, and possibly get back to his mother through email, text, or a call at a later time.

[Cheetah7]

First and foremost, return that $500 your in laws gave you because this is giving them an excuse to keep rubbing it in your face. It definitely came with strings attached. Secondly, you need to sit down with your husband and have a talk. Remind him that he's married to YOU, not his parents and to stop letting them meddle in your relationship. If your husband is as strong willed as you think he is, then he needs to be the one to put his foot down on this issue.
Be patient with him and give it a little more time as I'm sure it isn't as easy when he has a manipulative mother like that. If all else fails, consider changing your phone number or even moving.

[Bella]

I'd be careful how hard you push your husband on this. It seems you both have been on the same page and support each other which is a good thing. I understand your frustration, yes, but it sounds like most of the issues you have with them don't directly involve yourself. However, I do understand how you can feel upset in the way they treat and have treated your husband in the past. The thing is, they're always going to be his family and probably always going to be the way they are. You can disconnect emotionally from them much easier than he can.

Is it possible his change in attitude lately has something to do with pressure he's feeling from you? I only ask because I speak from experience. The anger and frustration you feel may very well be justified, but can surely backfire on you if your voicing it to him in a way that is not constructive and can overshadow what the real issues are.

[sammy deer]

It's definitely a good idea to give the money back with a thank you card. They sound like the kind of people that would rub it in your face that they help you out all the time and it's good that you want to talk with your husband about his behavior the past couple of weeks.

Also, I have to say Absolutpink - you sound like a very kind, mature smart woman and there's not a lot of people that would make the attempts to get along and display so much class with their in-laws. All you can do with them is be the kind of person you want them to be.

[pinkmitsy4]

Wow! i have almost the exact same situation. It is terrible and I'm sorry that you have to deal with it. It's so difficult.

[Fetish]

It seems likely she gave you two the money to be able to get back into his good graces, control and manipulate you both and use it against you by constantly reminding you of her graciousness. Realize that on his end, it can be really difficult to have a dysfunctional family where you resent them and are not on good terms with them. Perhaps he sees this money as a half apology and now he feels like he would somewhat like to try to have a healthy relationship with her, one hes never really had. If she back-stabs you both again, he will probably realize that perhaps a "healthy relationship" is non-existent.

Ive had my fair share of problems with the in-laws as well. All that sort of stuff you mentioned. I avoided his entire family at any possible moment. Drama and lies constantly ensued and it always involved me. They did not think highly of me although I was never sure why. I would make up excuses to avoid any sort of association with them. I would suddenly fake being sick or tell them I was working or too busy to attend any family events. I know it affected db but I did not care. I too asked him not share any personal information with them because I knew they would use it against me. Example: threatening to come to my work to cause problems. It happened. Db still gave out personal information because I was such an important part of his life and he wanted to share that part of him with his family, who he loved.

One day it dawned on me. Years of this hatred went on and the drama was unavoidable no matter how many times I avoided dinner parties or tried to escape out of their lives. As long as he had contact with them, I could not do anything about it. I realized, this is his family. He loves his family nevertheless and no matter how much I despise the sight of them, I need to grow up and act like an adult. I stopped dwelling on all the negative hurt and pain they had caused us, I accepted that this is the way they are. And I was only damaging myself inside by retaliating with negativity. So I joined their stupid dinners with a smile on my face. And I attended their thanksgiving dinners without a single complaint. Basically, I stopped stressing and worrying about everything they had done or what they could potentially do. I wasnt about to drive db away from his own family. So all I could do was make best of the situation.

Forget about his family, all the wrong they have caused you and all the wrong they are capable of causing you. There is more to life than his destructive family. Unfortunately in this world, sometimes its just something we have to come to terms with. We wont always like our own family and we might not always like our dh's family. But its still family.

[absolutpink]

Thanks for all the responses, I actually forgot that I had posted this so my aplogies for not replying sooner.

Dh did give the money back and his mother hit the roof. She said that as her son he had no right refusing the gift that she gave. Then she said that we have no right moving away, and just went off at him. He ended up walking out and he hasn't spoken to her since. Its sad but he seems calmer and less wound up than he did before.

At this point we're just leaving things as is and see how things go. Maybe she needs the time away from him to realise the damage she is doing to him. Ever since I've met him he just seems very detached from them, they just don't feel like family.

I'm leaving him to it right now. Whatever he wants to do I'll support him. If he wants to spend time with them then I will. I don't like it but there's a lot of things in life that I don't enjoy that I do. So I guess that's that for now!

[kitty nyc]

wow, i just read this and you've really shown yourself to be the bigger person! i couldn't imagine putting my best foot forward after all the damage they've caused. it would probably eat me up inside but it's so much easier for me to take revenge than to forgive.

Originally Posted by Fetish

Forget about his family, all the wrong they have caused you and all the wrong they are capable of causing you. There is more to life than his destructive family. Unfortunately in this world, sometimes its just something we have to come to terms with. We wont always like our own family and we might not always like our dh's family. But its still family.