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Aslan · Oct 8th, 2009, 07:33 PM

My husband is thankfully, very generous with me. He doesn't trust his judgment about what to pick out for me, so he always has me choose my own presents for anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, etc. He offers to let me pick out what I want in the store and pay. All wonderful.

However, I notice that sometimes (not always) when we go out shopping he starts to appear nervous (I assume it's about the money). I try to adjust by picking cheaper things, or offering to leave, but he goes, "Nah, I'm alright." But he continues to look nervous and tense. Typically, later on in the day he's quieter than usual.

His behavior makes me uncomfortable, so I have asked him set a price limit on what I can buy, or to select presents for me. But he rejects all these suggestions.

This behavior has really put a damper on the days I feel that we should be enjoying and celebrating together.

Does anyone have any helpful suggestions? I'm at a loss at this point.

JNH14 · Oct 8th, 2009, 08:09 PM

I'd say that you should downsize your gifts...it sounds like he definitely is wary of the amount that you are spending. Especially when he gets quiet after the trip. I'm sure that he doesn't want to disappoint you, or appear to be "cheap". To me-this would mean I'd choose smaller purchases. What kind of gifts are you choosing?

juneping · Oct 8th, 2009, 08:14 PM

i think this might have to do with the economy...that's why he's more conscious.
if he really doesn't tell you the limit...can you just cut like 30% of your goal gift?? or you don't want to compromise the quality...can you ask your DH to combine two gifts into one? say if he wants to buy you something and you can say wait till next...??
i think if your DH be more open about it...it can really make your life easier.

Aslan · Oct 8th, 2009, 08:18 PM

Originally Posted by JNH14

I'd say that you should downsize your gifts...it sounds like he definitely is wary of the amount that you are spending. Especially when he gets quiet after the trip. I'm sure that he doesn't want to disappoint you, or appear to be "cheap". To me-this would mean I'd choose smaller purchases. What kind of gifts are you choosing?

I think that I mentioned in my original post that I have downsized (or made attempts to). If I go to a cheaper clothing store than usual, he says, isn't ____ your favorite, let's go there. If I select a mid- priced brand, he'll say, I thought you like _____(insert higher priced brand). Sometimes I feel like he's being completely passive-aggressive and trying to show how much he 'hurts' to please me. But at other times, I feel totally guilty for having such thoughts about him.

Aslan · Oct 8th, 2009, 08:23 PM

Originally Posted by juneping

if he really doesn't tell you the limit...can you just cut like 30% of your goal gift?? or you don't want to compromise the quality...can you ask your DH to combine two gifts into one? say if he wants to buy you something and you can say wait till next...??

I will def take this suggestion! It will cut down on the no. of uncomfortable shopping trips we make together.

Originally Posted by juneping

i think if your DH be more open about it...it can really make your life easier.

I agree. I just wish he would be honest with me.

I have up and left stores when he gets like this in the store w/o purchasing anything. Then he gets both apologetic and mad at me. I'm so confused and annoyed.

merika · Oct 8th, 2009, 08:35 PM

My method of getting around any gift- buying discomfort is to give my DH a list of stores that I like to buy from, and ask him to buy me a gift card. That way he can give me something that suits his budget, and if I want to get something more expensive, I just add to it and he doesn't know, lol!

Aslan · Oct 8th, 2009, 08:44 PM

^^Thanks, Merika, I'm going to try that as well. I knew you ladies would have helpful suggestions!

HauteMama · Oct 8th, 2009, 08:49 PM

My dh isn't comfortable witnessing me spending money AT ALL. He is a total downer to shop with, no matter what the price point. However, when I shop without him and come home with things, he always likes them and tells me so (and he knows what kind of price point I am shopping at, so again it doesn't have to do with price). Your dh may not even be aware of his attitude when you are shopping together. Some people are simply tense at the prospect of spending money, even if they have the money to spend. Would it be possible for you to shop for your gifts without him, or would that entirely ruin the fun? If he is anything like my dh, he isn't being passive-aggressive or trying to make any sort of statement by his behaviour. He probably doesn't realize what he is doing, even if you point it out.

Aslan · Oct 8th, 2009, 08:53 PM

Originally Posted by HauteMama

Would it be possible for you to shop for your gifts without him, or would that entirely ruin the fun?

At this point, I would love if he didn't go. This problem would be avoided altogether. But often he insists on accompanying me (which is one of the reasons why I think he may just be exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior).

Charles · Oct 8th, 2009, 09:14 PM

Just talk to him about it. Do you think you're projecting at all? Do you think there's a possibility that there's nothing wrong with him?

Aslan · Oct 8th, 2009, 09:23 PM

Originally Posted by Charles

Just talk to him about it. Do you think you're projecting at all? Do you think there's a possibility that there's nothing wrong with him?

I did try to talk to him about it, but he denies it. I did consider that I might be projecting; in fact, I felt that it was just me the first few times that weirdness happened. I think it's possible that deep down inside I'm not totally comfortable with our outings. I really like nice stuff, but I wish he'd be a bit more thoughtful and come up with ideas for my birthday himself.

HauteMama · Oct 8th, 2009, 09:29 PM

Have you considered making a list of things you would like, from lower price points to higher price points and making that list available to him? Then he could choose something from it, without you having to witness his attitude while making the purchase, and still be somewhat surprised about what he chose. I have done that for special occasions because my dh asked me to, and it works out pretty well. That way you don't have to choose and purchase your own gift, and presumably your dh would only buy what he was comfortable with spending. It might be a win-win.

Irishgal · Oct 8th, 2009, 09:36 PM

Originally Posted by Charles

Just talk to him about it. Do you think you're projecting at all? Do you think there's a possibility that there's nothing wrong with him?

Charles has a good point. One thing women do too much of is over analyze men's behavior and end up drawing the wrong conclusion. Maybe he is bored, restless, maybe shopping is not fun for him but he is trying to spend time with you and this is one way for him to do it..

Charles · Oct 8th, 2009, 10:01 PM

I've always said that if a guy is paying attention to you, then he'll know what you want and what you like. I can tell you probably 3 things that Kara wants at this very moment. I just don't understand how you can love someone and not know what their interests are.
Still, let him know what you'd like and then act according to what he says. If he says everything is ok, then go with that. Afterall...you're married. What's he gonna do, divorce you cause you let him buy you things?

Roo · Oct 8th, 2009, 10:16 PM

Aslan, if I may ask, isn't your husband a bit older than you? (I thought I remembered you posting about this or maybe I have you confused with another poster?) Anyway, I think I might have a feeling about what is going on. Depending on his background, it may very well be that he has not always been well off. I know that people who come from very humble backgrounds can still have some 'fear' around poverty and money issues- and depending on their ages, it may be very ingrained. Not sure what his situation is, but if his background was meager, it may very well be that he gets twinges of that when he spends money on anything, not just you. It may be that when that hits him, he feels momentarily weird and/or guilty and scared and then corrects himself subconsciously by reminding himself that he's ok financially. I have no doubt that your hubby wants to be as generous with you as he can possibly be. My husband also worries about shopping for me and would much rather I pick out gifts too.

Oct 8th, 2009, 07:33 PM	#1
Aslan OP liberty+compassion Joined: Nov 2006 Location: New York Posts: 3,365	Issue w/ my husband re: spending money My husband is thankfully, very generous with me. He doesn't trust his judgment about what to pick out for me, so he always has me choose my own presents for anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, etc. He offers to let me pick out what I want in the store and pay. All wonderful. However, I notice that sometimes (not always) when we go out shopping he starts to appear nervous (I assume it's about the money). I try to adjust by picking cheaper things, or offering to leave, but he goes, "Nah, I'm alright." But he continues to look nervous and tense. Typically, later on in the day he's quieter than usual. His behavior makes me uncomfortable, so I have asked him set a price limit on what I can buy, or to select presents for me. But he rejects all these suggestions. This behavior has really put a damper on the days I feel that we should be enjoying and celebrating together. Does anyone have any helpful suggestions? I'm at a loss at this point.
	__________________

Oct 8th, 2009, 08:09 PM	#2
JNH14 Midlife...no crisis! Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Somewhere South... Posts: 2,428	I'd say that you should downsize your gifts...it sounds like he definitely is wary of the amount that you are spending. Especially when he gets quiet after the trip. I'm sure that he doesn't want to disappoint you, or appear to be "cheap". To me-this would mean I'd choose smaller purchases. What kind of gifts are you choosing?
	__________________ "Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out". John Wooden

Oct 8th, 2009, 08:14 PM	#3
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,327	i think this might have to do with the economy...that's why he's more conscious. if he really doesn't tell you the limit...can you just cut like 30% of your goal gift?? or you don't want to compromise the quality...can you ask your DH to combine two gifts into one? say if he wants to buy you something and you can say wait till next...?? i think if your DH be more open about it...it can really make your life easier.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Oct 8th, 2009, 08:35 PM	#6
merika Mr Lau reigns Joined: Nov 2006 Location: In front of a computer Posts: 8,927	My method of getting around any gift- buying discomfort is to give my DH a list of stores that I like to buy from, and ask him to buy me a gift card. That way he can give me something that suits his budget, and if I want to get something more expensive, I just add to it and he doesn't know, lol!
	__________________ "Hatred does not cease by hatred at any time: hatred ceases by love, this is an old rule." --The Dhammapada

Oct 8th, 2009, 08:44 PM	#7
Aslan OP liberty+compassion Joined: Nov 2006 Location: New York Posts: 3,365	^^Thanks, Merika, I'm going to try that as well. I knew you ladies would have helpful suggestions!
	__________________

Oct 8th, 2009, 08:49 PM	#8
HauteMama Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,834	My dh isn't comfortable witnessing me spending money AT ALL. He is a total downer to shop with, no matter what the price point. However, when I shop without him and come home with things, he always likes them and tells me so (and he knows what kind of price point I am shopping at, so again it doesn't have to do with price). Your dh may not even be aware of his attitude when you are shopping together. Some people are simply tense at the prospect of spending money, even if they have the money to spend. Would it be possible for you to shop for your gifts without him, or would that entirely ruin the fun? If he is anything like my dh, he isn't being passive-aggressive or trying to make any sort of statement by his behaviour. He probably doesn't realize what he is doing, even if you point it out.
HauteMama Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,834

Oct 8th, 2009, 09:14 PM	#10
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,187	Just talk to him about it. Do you think you're projecting at all? Do you think there's a possibility that there's nothing wrong with him?
	__________________

Oct 8th, 2009, 09:29 PM	#12
HauteMama Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,834	Have you considered making a list of things you would like, from lower price points to higher price points and making that list available to him? Then he could choose something from it, without you having to witness his attitude while making the purchase, and still be somewhat surprised about what he chose. I have done that for special occasions because my dh asked me to, and it works out pretty well. That way you don't have to choose and purchase your own gift, and presumably your dh would only buy what he was comfortable with spending. It might be a win-win.
HauteMama Member Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 6,834

Oct 8th, 2009, 10:01 PM	#14
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,187	I've always said that if a guy is paying attention to you, then he'll know what you want and what you like. I can tell you probably 3 things that Kara wants at this very moment. I just don't understand how you can love someone and not know what their interests are. Still, let him know what you'd like and then act according to what he says. If he says everything is ok, then go with that. Afterall...you're married. What's he gonna do, divorce you cause you let him buy you things?
	__________________

Oct 8th, 2009, 10:16 PM	#15
Roo au courant Joined: Apr 2006 Location: Rue Roo Posts: 12,701	Aslan, if I may ask, isn't your husband a bit older than you? (I thought I remembered you posting about this or maybe I have you confused with another poster?) Anyway, I think I might have a feeling about what is going on. Depending on his background, it may very well be that he has not always been well off. I know that people who come from very humble backgrounds can still have some 'fear' around poverty and money issues- and depending on their ages, it may be very ingrained. Not sure what his situation is, but if his background was meager, it may very well be that he gets twinges of that when he spends money on anything, not just you. It may be that when that hits him, he feels momentarily weird and/or guilty and scared and then corrects himself subconsciously by reminding himself that he's ok financially. I have no doubt that your hubby wants to be as generous with you as he can possibly be. My husband also worries about shopping for me and would much rather I pick out gifts too.
	__________________ When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around. --Willie Nelson

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