is the society we live is really THAT self-absorbed???

orinoco · Jun 27th, 2008, 07:25 AM

warning!! this is gonna be long!!

ok so here's a bit of background : my granma has pretty much raised me since birth, since my parents were divorced, my mom remarried, etc etc. i was extremely close to her, i was her everything~!!

which unfortunately, my parents didn't seem to share.

Anyways, she passed away a few days ago.

I'm in Vancouver, canada, doing my studies right now, and my visa is currently being renewed, so i can't even go back for her funeral. that being said, it's not giving me much closure. i keep feeling like nothings happenned until a thought of her slaps me in the face and then i feel like bursting into tears.

Anyhoo, being asian, family is a big deal to me. So when something like this happens, its pretty devastating to me. Which leads us to the main topic:
this week, i got several random phonecalls from friends, which kind of upset me. I know they probably don't mean it.. but they really hurt me in that i felt as if they didn't give a sh*t...

conversations were like

:"Rosie! wanna go watch a movie? ; i don't think i'm up for it ; why? ; my grandma just passed away ; oh i'm sorry...... so do you wanna?"
and another:
:"OMG you HAVE to come to vegas with me!! ; what!? ; c'mon it'll do u good, u'll get over it"
and another is a friend inviting me for shopping, in which i tell her what happened, she persuaded to go for lunch saying it would be good for me and we can talk, and she ended up dragging my to half a dozen stores on a crowded weekend.

my main reaction to all this was

, but i was treated with such a blase attitude that i'm overeacting... am i?? i would be so careful if that happened to an one of my friends...!! why is it that when one of them has a problem or breaks up with the boyfriend its as if their world just ended whereas my grandma's death is treated like it was nothing?

sorry for the long vent thread... but moments like these make me feel so.. disappointed...

helium · Jun 27th, 2008, 07:28 AM

Ok, no that is not the normal type of human reaction you get when people hear your grandmother passed away. When mine was in rather bad shape last year even my coworkers gave me a hug and made sure I was up to going to work, my friends constantly messaged me to make sure I was ok.

So it's your friends, not society. They sound absolutely dreadful! I can't force you to make new friends but if this is how they react to this sort of thing, i'd definitely recommend it!

Also, feel free to PM me if you want to talk... my aunt is not doing well right now and i'm not feeling too well, so I sort of know how you feel. Hugs to you.

titania029 · Jun 27th, 2008, 07:41 AM

Maybe your friends are uncomfortable with death. So they want to be there for you, hence still inviting you to do things, but they can't bring themselves to actually talk about it with you. Are they usually self-absorbed?

I'm very sorry about your grandma

helium · Jun 27th, 2008, 07:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by titania029

Maybe your friends are uncomfortable with death. So they want to be there for you, hence still inviting you to do things, but they can't bring themselves to actually talk about it with you. Are they usually self-absorbed?

I'm very sorry about your grandma

Eh I don't know... 'you'll get over it' actually sounds like they're a little too comfortable with death!

tmc089 · Jun 27th, 2008, 07:50 AM

I don't think your overreacting at all. I have a few friends like that and they way they see it, they want to get your mind off of it. They sort of mean well, but it seems that they don't understand that problems don't just go away when your like "Oh, that sucks, let's not think about it." I'm terribly sorry about your grandmother, it must be so hard what your going through. But keep your head up. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Next time your friends do something like this, I personally would just be straight with them, that's the type of person I am. If they were like oh thats sad, whatever, let's go shopping, I would be like no its not sad, it's devastating. I know they mean well, but they should have alot more compassion towards you in this bad situation. I wish you the best of luck hunny!!

QueenOfDa702 · Jun 27th, 2008, 07:57 AM

Im so sorry to hear about your Grandma

.

If I may ask, how old are your friends? When people are young, I find they dont know how to console their friends, they dont know what to say.

If they are not young, then, umm, they have issues that are unexplainable. I dont understand why someone would be so umm..rude...yea, RUDE is the right word.
I think its time to have a talk with your "friends" about the way they treated your feelings!

~Fabulousity~ · Jun 27th, 2008, 08:38 AM

So sorry for your loss *big hugs*
Unfortunately yes some people are so selfish and insensitive that they don't take the time to stop and think about what a person may be going through. You're friends probably think they have your interest at heart, but need to allow you time to grieve. I most certainly would not want to be out and about if my grandma had just died.

titania029 · Jun 27th, 2008, 08:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by helium

Eh I don't know... 'you'll get over it' actually sounds like they're a little too comfortable with death!

Maybe it came out wrong, and she wanted to say "take your mind off of it." I know I have said stupid things to comfort people when I couldn't find the right words. And later on, I just want to smack myself...

Jahpson · Jun 27th, 2008, 08:58 AM

no your friends are just brainless.

But that is true. some girls treat a breakup like the end of the world, but when your family member dies, its like...oh too bad.

GirlFriday · Jun 27th, 2008, 09:08 AM

Sorry to hear about your grandmother. I think some people are uncomfortable with death and they don't know what to say. My friend's son died several months ago and once the funeral was over, people never talked about her son. She felt kind of isolated, and she said that she wanted to talk about him. She understood that they just felt uncomfortable and they didn't want to upset her. But at the same time, she thought about him all the time anyway. Talking about it helped.

I'm sorry you can't go to the funeral either. That would be hard.

Sternchen · Jun 27th, 2008, 09:15 AM

I'm sorry that your friends acted like that and I have to say that that is definitely not the normal reaction when a friend's grandmother dies. If it is, then I doubt they've gone through a death in the family before. I would think that your friends maybe didn't know how to react and kind of just pretend that it didn't happen so nothing has to change for them and so they don't have to treat you differently.

I'd let them know that their reaction hurt your feelings and that you'd appreciate them being a little bit more sensitive to your situation right now. I'm sorry for your loss

merika · Jun 27th, 2008, 09:23 AM

I find that there is sometimes a big difference between cultures, KWIM? I am from Asia, my grandmother lived with us until she died and was my babysitter and general caregiver. When she I died I missed her a great deal and was very unhappy.

My SO's grandmother has never lived with his family. There have been infrequent visits and she spent the last years of her life in a home for the elderly. She died recently and my SO just went for the funeral, it didn't seem to have any impact on him or cause him to be sad in any way. He was just going to pay his respects to a person he did not know very well.

So some people (especially the younger, not so emotionally savvy crowd) may think "Oh, it's just a grandma, must've lived far away, no big deal" - identifying your relationship with your grandmother in the light of their own relationships with their grandparents.

amber11 · Jun 27th, 2008, 04:33 PM

i'm so sorry, i hope you can get the closure you need soon- death is hard enough and you have it even harder with someone so close and the fact that you can't grieve properly, so hugs to you! about your friends they sound like they may just not kno how to react and are trying.... you may just have to be stern and say hey i don't grieve like that i need some time to sit on the couch eat some ice cream look over pictures and then maybe i'll be up for the things you want to do... it sounds like there trying to help just not being very observant of what you really need :(

juneping · Jun 27th, 2008, 04:44 PM

I think Merika put it well...they maybe just didn't understand you and your grandma were close.
most young ppl (i suppose you are young..) don't know how to deal w/ death.

i remember when my grandpa died...my mom was crying her eyes out. i went into her bedroom and asked what happened. she couldn't talk so my dad told me. my only reaction was to run away....i assumed your friends maybe haven't faced death yet..??
i am so sorry....((hugs)))

Schmodi · Jun 27th, 2008, 04:46 PM

It sounds as if your friends haven't lost anyone they were close to. I lost my grandparents when I was in high school and of course I was sad, but it was totally different when my good friend committed suicide three years ago. Before that experience, although I felt sorry for my friend's loss, I just didn't get it. I couldn't totally empathize because I hadn't been there.

Jun 27th, 2008, 07:25 AM	#1
orinoco Scrat-Nut, Rosie-Bags Joined: Jan 2006 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 1,568	is the society we live is really THAT self-absorbed??? warning!! this is gonna be long!! ok so here's a bit of background : my granma has pretty much raised me since birth, since my parents were divorced, my mom remarried, etc etc. i was extremely close to her, i was her everything~!! which unfortunately, my parents didn't seem to share. Anyways, she passed away a few days ago. I'm in Vancouver, canada, doing my studies right now, and my visa is currently being renewed, so i can't even go back for her funeral. that being said, it's not giving me much closure. i keep feeling like nothings happenned until a thought of her slaps me in the face and then i feel like bursting into tears. Anyhoo, being asian, family is a big deal to me. So when something like this happens, its pretty devastating to me. Which leads us to the main topic: this week, i got several random phonecalls from friends, which kind of upset me. I know they probably don't mean it.. but they really hurt me in that i felt as if they didn't give a sh*t... conversations were like :"Rosie! wanna go watch a movie? ; i don't think i'm up for it ; why? ; my grandma just passed away ; oh i'm sorry...... so do you wanna?" and another: :"OMG you HAVE to come to vegas with me!! ; what!? ; c'mon it'll do u good, u'll get over it" and another is a friend inviting me for shopping, in which i tell her what happened, she persuaded to go for lunch saying it would be good for me and we can talk, and she ended up dragging my to half a dozen stores on a crowded weekend. my main reaction to all this was , but i was treated with such a blase attitude that i'm overeacting... am i?? i would be so careful if that happened to an one of my friends...!! why is it that when one of them has a problem or breaks up with the boyfriend its as if their world just ended whereas my grandma's death is treated like it was nothing? sorry for the long vent thread... but moments like these make me feel so.. disappointed... __________________

Jun 27th, 2008, 07:41 AM	#3
titania029 Member Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Dallas Posts: 2,436	Maybe your friends are uncomfortable with death. So they want to be there for you, hence still inviting you to do things, but they can't bring themselves to actually talk about it with you. Are they usually self-absorbed? I'm very sorry about your grandma __________________ It so happens that the work which is likely to be our most durable monument, and to convey some knowledge of us to the most remote posterity, is a work of bare utility; not a shrine, not a fortress, not a palace, but a bridge. - Montgomery Schuyler

Jun 27th, 2008, 07:50 AM	#5
tmc089 Sofa King Awesome. Joined: Oct 2007 Location: Southeastern CT Posts: 1,149	I don't think your overreacting at all. I have a few friends like that and they way they see it, they want to get your mind off of it. They sort of mean well, but it seems that they don't understand that problems don't just go away when your like "Oh, that sucks, let's not think about it." I'm terribly sorry about your grandmother, it must be so hard what your going through. But keep your head up. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Next time your friends do something like this, I personally would just be straight with them, that's the type of person I am. If they were like oh thats sad, whatever, let's go shopping, I would be like no its not sad, it's devastating. I know they mean well, but they should have alot more compassion towards you in this bad situation. I wish you the best of luck hunny!! __________________ Tricia "Love all, trust few, do wrong to no one."

Jun 27th, 2008, 07:57 AM	#6
QueenOfDa702 Misunderestimated. Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Vegas where we let it all hang out. Your Vegas is showing! Posts: 5,408	Im so sorry to hear about your Grandma. If I may ask, how old are your friends? When people are young, I find they dont know how to console their friends, they dont know what to say. If they are not young, then, umm, they have issues that are unexplainable. I dont understand why someone would be so umm..rude...yea, RUDE is the right word. I think its time to have a talk with your "friends" about the way they treated your feelings! __________________ ~Valeen~ *~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~* Click HERE to visit MySpace

Jun 27th, 2008, 08:38 AM	#7
~Fabulousity~ Yes we can! Joined: Jan 2006 Location: Creating my life... Posts: 4,818	So sorry for your loss big hugs Unfortunately yes some people are so selfish and insensitive that they don't take the time to stop and think about what a person may be going through. You're friends probably think they have your interest at heart, but need to allow you time to grieve. I most certainly would not want to be out and about if my grandma had just died. __________________ Every adversity, every failure, and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit - Napoleon Hill

Jun 27th, 2008, 07:28 AM	#2
helium Member Joined: Nov 2007 Posts: 1,530	Ok, no that is not the normal type of human reaction you get when people hear your grandmother passed away. When mine was in rather bad shape last year even my coworkers gave me a hug and made sure I was up to going to work, my friends constantly messaged me to make sure I was ok. So it's your friends, not society. They sound absolutely dreadful! I can't force you to make new friends but if this is how they react to this sort of thing, i'd definitely recommend it! Also, feel free to PM me if you want to talk... my aunt is not doing well right now and i'm not feeling too well, so I sort of know how you feel. Hugs to you.

Jun 27th, 2008, 08:58 AM	#9
Jahpson I'mma Do Me......... Joined: Aug 2007 Location: The Playground Posts: 8,878	no your friends are just brainless. But that is true. some girls treat a breakup like the end of the world, but when your family member dies, its like...oh too bad.

Jun 27th, 2008, 09:08 AM	#10
GirlFriday Member Joined: Mar 2008 Posts: 433	Sorry to hear about your grandmother. I think some people are uncomfortable with death and they don't know what to say. My friend's son died several months ago and once the funeral was over, people never talked about her son. She felt kind of isolated, and she said that she wanted to talk about him. She understood that they just felt uncomfortable and they didn't want to upset her. But at the same time, she thought about him all the time anyway. Talking about it helped. I'm sorry you can't go to the funeral either. That would be hard.

Jun 27th, 2008, 09:15 AM	#11
Sternchen Member Joined: May 2006 Location: Beauty RAOK Posts: 10,407	I'm sorry that your friends acted like that and I have to say that that is definitely not the normal reaction when a friend's grandmother dies. If it is, then I doubt they've gone through a death in the family before. I would think that your friends maybe didn't know how to react and kind of just pretend that it didn't happen so nothing has to change for them and so they don't have to treat you differently. I'd let them know that their reaction hurt your feelings and that you'd appreciate them being a little bit more sensitive to your situation right now. I'm sorry for your loss __________________

Jun 27th, 2008, 09:23 AM	#12
merika Sac Himalaya Joined: Nov 2006 Location: In front of a computer Posts: 7,824	I find that there is sometimes a big difference between cultures, KWIM? I am from Asia, my grandmother lived with us until she died and was my babysitter and general caregiver. When she I died I missed her a great deal and was very unhappy. My SO's grandmother has never lived with his family. There have been infrequent visits and she spent the last years of her life in a home for the elderly. She died recently and my SO just went for the funeral, it didn't seem to have any impact on him or cause him to be sad in any way. He was just going to pay his respects to a person he did not know very well. So some people (especially the younger, not so emotionally savvy crowd) may think "Oh, it's just a grandma, must've lived far away, no big deal" - identifying your relationship with your grandmother in the light of their own relationships with their grandparents. __________________ I will also gladly authenticate your chocolates for you.

Jun 27th, 2008, 04:33 PM	#13
amber11 Member Joined: Feb 2008 Posts: 267	i'm so sorry, i hope you can get the closure you need soon- death is hard enough and you have it even harder with someone so close and the fact that you can't grieve properly, so hugs to you! about your friends they sound like they may just not kno how to react and are trying.... you may just have to be stern and say hey i don't grieve like that i need some time to sit on the couch eat some ice cream look over pictures and then maybe i'll be up for the things you want to do... it sounds like there trying to help just not being very observant of what you really need :(

Jun 27th, 2008, 04:44 PM	#14
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 1,562	I think Merika put it well...they maybe just didn't understand you and your grandma were close. most young ppl (i suppose you are young..) don't know how to deal w/ death. i remember when my grandpa died...my mom was crying her eyes out. i went into her bedroom and asked what happened. she couldn't talk so my dad told me. my only reaction was to run away....i assumed your friends maybe haven't faced death yet..?? i am so sorry....((hugs))) __________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off

Jun 27th, 2008, 04:46 PM	#15
Schmodi Member Joined: Feb 2007 Location: Greater San Diego Posts: 1,903	It sounds as if your friends haven't lost anyone they were close to. I lost my grandparents when I was in high school and of course I was sad, but it was totally different when my good friend committed suicide three years ago. Before that experience, although I felt sorry for my friend's loss, I just didn't get it. I couldn't totally empathize because I hadn't been there. __________________