Is it normal to be a little jealous of husband's female friends?

[sweetpea80]

Hi everyone,

I've never posted here before and did a search on this topic, but didn't find anything that really fit. So here goes...

My husband has a lot of female friends and they're really great people (I've met most of them). It never bothered me if he would go out for coffee, lunch, dinner, etc. with them while we were dating or after we were married. But lately it's starting to bother me a little bit. I think most of the "jealousy" stems from the fact that we live in different cities right now and have been since June. I want to be the one going out to dinner or having drinks with him instead of some other female. I never worry about him cheating since he tells me when he's going out with a female friend -- if he kept it a secret, I would definitely be concerned. He's also very active outdoors (hiking, mtn. biking, etc.) and there are bound to be other women there, and most weekends the group he belongs to goes to biking/hiking trails a few hours from where we lived, and he always manages to carpool with another woman (she lives in an area on the way out of town). But again, I get jealous that she gets a few hours of alone time with him and I don't. He always tells me that I have nothing to worry about and that he goes out with the guys, too (not just our female friends) and that he's always had a lot of female friends. I trust him completely, but it still makes me a bit uneasy for some reason.

Has anyone else had this problem? I don't want him to cut off ties from his friends (I think that's going too far), but am I out of line for having some feelings of jealousy?

[PurseAddict79]

Honestly I think the feelings you're having are totally normal. I'm envious of your ability to be so trusting.. that's something I struggle with.

Have you talked to your husband? I know you mentioned you're in different cities, and I don't know what kind of constraints you're under (distance, schedule, etc), but perhaps he could include you more?

[natalie78]

I think it's normal to feel some jealousy. My DH has several really good female friends and while I was initially jealous, I have gotten to know them a little better and I see that there is no chemistry. I trust DH, which is something that was really hard for me since I had bad past experiences.

Do you think that you would be able to have a rational conversation with your hubby abotu your feelings? Do you think you would break down? Do you think he would get angry? If you let it sit and fester, you may end up driving yourself crazy. But, if a talk with him would only lead to anger and worse trust issues, it may be best to learn to deal with it on your own.

Does he have any idea at all about your feelings?

[sweetpea80]

We've definitely talked about it before and he understands where I'm coming from -- I guess sometimes I just need a little reassurance. I've had some trust issues in the past (he's the only person that's ever been faithful to me), so I have to remind myself that he's not them and that I can trust him.

We're separated by a two hour plane ride for the time being. I lost my job and ended up taking a job back in my hometown while living with my parents. He thought he'd be able to find something in the same area fairly quickly, but that didn't happen. It's been difficult lately to spend this much time apart this FAR apart. I miss being able to go out and grab a cocktail with him or going for a bike ride together, so when I hear that he has met up with a female friend, it makes me a little sad. They're the ones that get to sit down with him for a meal; they're the ones that get to have that spontaneous small talk; and they're the ones that get to see him more often than I do.

Hmm...maybe this is more of a "I miss my husband" thing... :)

[ami kio]

Your jealousy sounds more like "I want to spend time with him!" rather than "That hussy is trying to steal my man!" IMO, you sound like a reasonable sane person who's actually probably doing better than the average Jane, considering your situation.

Does he ever bike alone? If you can afford it, maybe he can wear a phone earpiece and talk with you while biking to give each of you a small illusion of being together during that time. Assuming he's biking on trails and not on roads with cars, of course.

[macska]

Don't worry, definitely normal to feel that way. You should have nothing to worry about, since you say he tells you when he is going out with them. I don't know if he thinks of his female friends the way I think of my male friends, but I have mostly male friends and I think of all of them like brothers.

[Allisonfaye]

I knew a guy like this once. He was always with a female friend. I worked with him for a few years and he would always do things for me since I didn't have a boyfriend. (Like help me move). I always wondered why it didn't bother his wife at all. For years, this is the way it was until finally, he made a pass at me. I said no. He wasn't my type at all but I realized he was surrounding himself with women for a reason and I was very likely NOT the first one he had tried with. I just don't think it is normal for married men to spend lots of time alone with other women. Sorry. But that's what I think.

[juneping]

i think it's normal...LD is just never easy....

allison:
i did have a guy friend who's friends were majority women.....he's very short (like 5')...he did have some guy friends but more women for sure. he never really made any passes though.

personally...i would not be too comfortable if my bf has way more lady friends than guy friends.....

[exotikittenx]

A married man having dinner and drinks alone with another female is a bit too intimate for me to be comfortable. I don't think that is a very considerate thing to do. Why can't he just limit it to guy friends or females as long as there are others around? I find it strange and don't blame you for being uneasy. If it were a situation that happened once in a blue moon, like an old college friend he meets for lunch just to catch up, or he grabbed a quick lunch with a co-worker, that is different, but dinner and drinks seems to be going too far. I'm not saying it means he is cheating, but it's out of the realm of comfort for a marriage in my eyes.

[vhdos]

I agree that your feelings are perfectly normal. Obviously, it's good that your husband has lots of friends - male and female - but I tend to agree with exotikittenx and allisonfaye. I guess it comes down to a respect issue for me. Dinner/drinks on a regular basis with the opposite sex, while your miles away, just doesn't sit right with me. I feel like perhaps it allows for too many opportunities that would be better off left alone.

[kcf68]

I have a very good male friend from highschool. I would not feel comfortable going out with him by myself without my husband or his wife. I would feel it would be disrespectful to both of our spouses.

[gina2328]

My DH has a few female friends and whenever he gets together with them most of the time he invites me along (lunch or dinner). He has one female friend that he golfs with alone once in a great while. I think I would have an issue with my DH having "lots" of female friends and going out to lunch, dinner, and coffee with them. How often are we talking here? Have you ever been included when your DH got together with these women or is it always just your DH and the other person alone? How often do you see him now that you have been separated? How hard can he be job hunting if he is always socializing and doing sports activities with his friends? Job hunting in itself is a full time job. His priority should be finding a job and moving to be with you.

[Angelfangs]

Good for you for being so trusting. I could not deal with it, however. It's not that men and women can't be friends when they are married. I think a married man/women should have "boundries" with the opposite sex after they are married. Especially when not living in the same cities at the moment.

[Cheetah7]

Your feelings are totally valid and I can see where you're coming from. Basically you're envious that these women get to spend quality time with your husband, something that he should be spending with you instead. I think it's normal to feel that way. I commend you for being so trusting under these circumstances. I agree with some posters that said that going out for lunch or drinks alone with the women is a bit intimate. My husband has female friends as well that he goes out with but never alone with them. He either takes me along or he gets together with them along with their husbands.

[one fifty]

Quote:

How hard can he be job hunting if he is always socializing and doing sports activities with his friends?

I was thinking the same thing too. A long time ago I was enaged and forced to be long distance for a time and well, just because your guy tells you what he's doing and where he's going doesn't mean something won't happen. I was young, naive, did not want to be 'jealous' or 'controlling' so I was very trusting even when I felt uneasy about this one particular woman who detested me and always contrived to spend time alone with him when I was out of town. He on the otherhand saw it as just friends but as the stress of the distance wore on it turned into an emotional affair and then one weekend way more. I should have listened to my gut.

JMHO all these times along with the opposite sex means so much more opportunity presents itself.e