[ChenChen]

... and I'm not talking short stretches of 'alone' time, either! My bf and I have only been dating for a few months, but it's pretty serious. We've had discussions about our future together, and we seem to be on the same page.

BUT he loves to hike! And it's not a bad thing, but he wants to go on 2 weeks to 1 month hikes, which he knows that I WON'T be able to go on (yes, I'm out of shape LOL... a good friend even says she's never seen me run! The bf is trying to change that but back on topic...). He says that he wants to take trips with me, but these are hikes that he definitely wants to go on and he knows I can't even go without having a shower nearby for more than one day (not to mention no bathrooms!), so no really hardcore hikes for me!

After talking it over, we've agreed that over the next 6 years, he will go on 2 alone trips, for max 1 month each time. I'm really glad that we've been able to compromise on this, but I'm wondering: is this normal?? Do most guys want to spend that much time at one time by themselves? I've never been in this situation before (other guys I've dated haven't had hobbies that require them to be away for this long), so I'd really appreciate your advice !

[riffraff]

Wow you have a six year plan after dating a couple of months!!!!

[redney]

I think it depends on the guy...some guys like their 'alone' time and some guys like to be with other people - his GF or his guy friends. Your guy sounds like he's comfortable with himself and really wants to 'rough it' on his long hiking outings. I do not think he's dissing you in any way, shape or form...sounds like he's a "grizzly adams" type who wants to be outdoors, enjoying nature with himself.

I wouldn't worry personally. It's not like he needs to be away from you, it's more he needs to be with himself. Help him pack, send him off and welcome him back with open arms. Heck, after a month, he'll be dying for some lovin' if you know what I mean. LOL!!

[Demosthenes]

I don't think you need to worry... I'm sure if you were more willing and able to go, he'd love to have you with him on those hikes! But since you can't (and won't) he still wants to go anyway because he obviously loves them and they make him happy.

If it were my DH, I'd worry about the alone trips, only because he'd be all alone in the wildnerness. What if he got hurt? Lost? Eaten by a bear?! Will he be with a group of friends, or truly alone for the month long trips?

[chipmunk-pnw]

Yes it is a common guy thing to want some alone time without his loved one. He could really be alone or go male bonding. Time varies from guy to guy, from couple hours to months! However anything more than 3 months is unreal, either he feels your relationship is going nowhere, is multi-timing you, or just doesn't take your friendship as seriously as you do.

Some girls get that feeling too. My husband never acted like he wanted some time alone ever, I do. If I'm around him too much I'll just go berserk! You could read the book Men are from Mars to gain better understanding of this behavior. But just take that book with a pinch of salt, doesn't happen to all men, but it explains things well.

[Speedy]

Glad you two are making such long term plans!

And yes, it's normal for guys to want alone time. Just make sure he tells you where he's going and when he'll be back so you don't worry.

[decocritter]

A month seems a bit long ... to me, unless it is some once in a lifetime special bike trip or some such.

I dated a wilderness/tri-athlete/sailing guy, and he and college buddies would take one big "adventure" trip, and a couple of small ones every year. Longest one was about 2 weeks.

I think time apart is healthy, you need to take a few trips with girlfriends, too.

[helium]

I have to say, it's common for women to lump men into one giant group of clones that all do the same thing, and if one sticks out he's 'abnormal'. So asking if it's normal for guys to take independent time, well yeah, just like for some women to want it too.

Men are independent people too. Some of them like it, some of them don't. It's an individual thing.

[Nirodha]

Yes, it's perfectly normal. I'm married and I've even done month long retreats alone. My wife doesn't have a problem with it, nor do I get her 'permission.' And, if she ever attempted to make me feel as if I needed her permission, I'd walk out on her. Also, I've heard on men taking up to a year alone.

Please remember that in prehistoric times that the men would traditionally hunt. And, sometimes these hunts could be very long - months on end - and would take them far away from their families.

[helium]

Originally Posted by Nirodha

Yes, it's perfectly normal. I'm married and I've even done month long retreats alone. My wife doesn't have a problem with it, nor do I get her 'permission.' And, if she ever attempted to make me feel as if I needed her permission, I'd walk out on her. Also, I've heard on men taking up to a year alone.

Please remember that in prehistoric times that the men would traditionally hunt. And, sometimes these hunts could be very long - months on end - and would take them far away from their families.

Just to add to this point, my boyfriend is the completely opposite. He doesn't ever want to be away from me, and to be honest I don't even want to be away from him. I feel really lonely when he's not around and he feels very lonely when i'm not around. It's different for every guy.

[Nirodha]

Sorry. But, what you describe sounds like codependency, not a healthy relationship.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependence

[helium]

Originally Posted by Nirodha

Sorry. But, what you describe sounds like codependency, not a healthy relationship.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependence

Sorry... maybe I exaggerated a little. But I can't imagine a month away. We take fortnights away from each other.

Please do not jump into conclusions like this.

[Charles]

Honestly, the title of this thread's a bit misleading. Is he wanting alone time, or are you mad that he's not giving up his hikes cause you don't want to go? I mean, he did ask you to go.

If you're that worried abt it, maybe try getting in shape so you can hike with him.

[_bella_]

It's perfectly normal for all humans to want some time alone. Some people simply want more time than others. I know lots of old married couples that even take their own separate vacations and also vacations together.

[ChenChen]

Thanks everyone for all your comments!

Demosthenes: I agree! He got lost once hiking (he told me that he had to literally scale cliffs to get back on the trail... well, maybe he was exaggerating), and I'm still scared of bears and rattlesnakes!

Speedy: LOL I do make sure that he keeps me updated on where he's going just in case! Although he did say that he'd rather be lost in the wilderness for longer than have me call a rescue team for him because he can't stand the embarrassment!

decocritter: yeah, I'm definitely going to plan trips instead of staying at home doing nothing when he takes his month-long expeditions (and probably other, shorter, times too)! The problem with taking trips with girlfriends though is that we always go shopping, and I end up spending waaaay too much LOL!

Charles: I think part of it was that I was worried he wanted THAT (to me, a month is pretty long) much alone time from me, and was using hiking as an excuse (even though I know now that this isn't the case). I know my parents sometimes spend months apart, with my dad on business trips, and now they've gotten to the point where they actually enjoy the months without each other, maybe much more than the months with each other. I guess I'm worrying too much (I'm a total worry wart) but I didn't want our relationship to get to that point after only almost a year LOL, or really ever! Was that confusing?