Is it considered cheating if...

[Rockst@r]

you have a significant secret stash of cash that your SO does not know about?

I had this conversation with someone and they consider it a form of cheating. I am frugal (except with handbags and jewelry) whereas DH is an equal opportunity spender. I feel "safe" having a fairly large cushion. I save a lot (401k and a money market account). We both do 401k but DH is a horrible saver. DH would never take it from me, but I suspect he would do little things if he knew about the money, such as mention needing this or that (totally unnecessary) item for the house. I also think he would consider it his EF too when in this regard I am a little selfish, it's mine. His EF could be huge if he saved, as he makes triple my salary. I work, and save part of my check weekly. The only tricky part is explaining where it came from if I ever needed to use it. Example: I won $2700 at the casino my anniv weekend 2 weekends ago. I bought 2 Coach bags at the outlet in Atlantic City and saved about $2200 of it and added it to my fund. DH thought I won the $500 that I spent in Coach.

Background: DH pays almost all of the bills, happily married 7yrs, no issues. I was just raised never to depend on anyone.

Does anyone consider this cheating or is it acceptable? I assumed that everyone does it, but I guess not.

Thoughts???

[shy*violet]

I couldn't say for sure.

I have a significant amount in emergency savings that I've saved over the last couple of years, but I'm also single, never married.

I haven't decided how I am going to handle that when I do get married. As much as I'd love to be naiive and think every marriage lasts forever, I'd like to keep myself covered if I do end up divorced. Like you, I was raised to be independent - because you never know what could happen.

So many people are in bad relationships but don't feel like they can leave because they can't afford to -- they depend on their SO for housing/food/other basic needs and I just don't ever want to be in that position.

I'd be interested to hear what other ladies here have to say (and guys too)

This kind of reminds me of that news story a few months ago about a woman who sued a bank for letting her husband know about an $80K savings account that she held seperately.

[cutiepie21]

I think the answer will vary by situation. In your situation, I do not consider it "cheating" because it sounds like your husband has issues with spending and saving. Since he is not practical with the money, you took it upon yourself to be responsible and make sure your family has an emergency fund for rainy days. In your case, it is necessary to keep the account secret so your husband doesn't "stick his hand in the pot" and spend the emergency fund on non-essentials.

However, I think if both partners are responsible spenders and savers and one spouse chooses to keep a secret account in his or her name only, it could damage the trust in the marriage.

[dearmissie]

Can I ask you, why do you feel you have to keep it a secret??

I know many people who keep secret stashes of money away from their partners, and I feel like it's just keeping a lie?? But to each their own, if it works for them then who am I to judge. I respect their decisions. I talked to one of my girlfriends about this last year, and she said she'd never ever hide any money from her husband, and that he'd never do that as well. It was unacceptable in her household, and she felt like it would be keeping a secret from her husband. However, little did she know her husband was hiding a lot of money from her. I never said anything, that's their own set of problems. I have a friend who hides money from his wife, he has it being help with his daughter. I personally think that is wrong. If you're going to hide it, then hide it. But don't go through a third person to hide it, especially if it's your guy's children. That just creates all sorts of problems. If you have to be that sneaky and hide it yourself, then do it just don't go doing it with your children. If you got to be that sneaky and afraid to get caught, maybe that's a hint that it's wrong.

For my DF and I we decided once we get married we combine everything. We agreed that when we get married it's two become one, so that means sharing money. We are a team, no competition between one another. There is no way can we make an equal amount of money, so we just share it all, after all we are sharing a house, a family, and a life together. It's equal, so shouldn't the money aspect of it be as well?? If we can't trust each other sharing money and being responsible with it, then maybe we should re-evaluate our marriage KWIM?? We are both are going to have to chip in to pay for bills so why do we have to split things?? DF and I have a savings pot for rainy days, and also a bit of money of our own set aside for our own little spending here and there, but it's no secret.

Again, this is just what works for my DF and I. I don't mean to offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. Just sharing what works for us. And I agree with cutiepie21, answers will vary with different relationships due to different factors etc. I have a friend who's husband has a gambling problem and she has to stash away money from him because he's not ready to be responsible for all that money yet. I agree that she has to take control for sake of their future and their family. What if he gambled it all away?? Even though she's taken all the money to hide it, he does know she's taken the money and hidden it from him. She didn't keep it a lie, they agreed on it.

[linpaddy]

No, I do not consider what you are doing cheating. You are protecting yourself and your family. You are very sensible for knowing and understanding your DH's attitude towards money.

Both DH and I believe in having an emergency fund. However, I am the spendthrift (hence am on TPF ) and do not question my DH about his own funds. That is his business.

In a relationship, one person needs to be responsible about money and if it's not your DH, then the task falls to you especially if you have a family.

[domlee]

It depends.

Are both parties paying for things equally? Or is he doing things like paying for the utilities, grocery bills, etc. and you're not? Just trying to ask to gain a bit of insight because is he is paying for the majority of stuff (hence why he isn't able to save much) and you're not paying for much, then you can see how unbalanced this situation can be. (Just a scenario)

[Jeneen]

I don't think it is cheating.
Depends on the intention of the stash and why it's a secret like the other posters have said.

[LOREBUNDE]

I don't think it is cheating

[NVMyLV]

I say "You go girl". One day if the financial need ever arises within your household, you can ride in a save the day.

[Rockst@r]

Originally Posted by dearmissie

Can I ask you, why do you feel you have to keep it a secret?? I know many people who keep secret stashes of money away from their partners, and I feel like it's just keeping a lie?? But to each their own, if it works for them then who am I to judge. I respect their decisions. I talked to one of my girlfriends about this last year, and she said she'd never ever hide any money from her husband, and that he'd never do that as well. It was unacceptable in her household, and she felt like it would be keeping a secret from her husband. However, little did she know her husband was hiding a lot of money from her. I never said anything, that's their own set of problems. I have a friend who hides money from his wife, he has it being help with his daughter. I personally think that is wrong. If you're going to hide it, then hide it. But don't go through a third person to hide it, especially if it's your guy's children. That just creates all sorts of problems. If you have to be that sneaky and hide it yourself, then do it just don't go doing it with your children. If you got to be that sneaky and afraid to get caught, maybe that's a hint that it's wrong. For my DF and I we decided once we get married we combine everything. We agreed that when we get married it's two become one, so that means sharing money. We are a team, no competition between one another. There is no way can we make an equal amount of money, so we just share it all, after all we are sharing a house, a family, and a life together. It's equal, so shouldn't the money aspect of it be as well?? If we can't trust each other sharing money and being responsible with it, then maybe we should re-evaluate our marriage KWIM?? We are both are going to have to chip in to pay for bills so why do we have to split things?? DF and I have a savings pot for rainy days, and also a bit of money of our own set aside for our own little spending here and there, but it's no secret. Again, this is just what works for my DF and I. I don't mean to offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. Just sharing what works for us. And I agree with cutiepie21, answers will vary with different relationships due to different factors etc. I have a friend who's husband has a gambling problem and she has to stash away money from him because he's not ready to be responsible for all that money yet. I agree that she has to take control for sake of their future and their family. What if he gambled it all away?? Even though she's taken all the money to hide it, he does know she's taken the money and hidden it from him. She didn't keep it a lie, they agreed on it.

There is nothing wrong with my marriage. Everything is perfectly fine. I think that if he is a spender, then someone had better be a saver. Since he is a spender by nature, I provide the security if something ever goes down. If he knew the money was there, he is a spender, so it wouldn't be saved for long! I think when people have stars in their eyes regarding marriage, it's asking for trouble. This resolves having two different spending styles. He has no addictions and he pays all the bills, so he is responsible in that regard. He just spends unnecessarily on extras. In your example, someone with an addiction may not mind their spouse hiding money since they know they have a problem. DH does not see his spending as a problem since all the bills are paid. I can't really knock him in that regard because he does make sure we have what we need.

[elizat]

Originally Posted by linpaddy

No, I do not consider what you are doing cheating. You are protecting yourself and your family. You are very sensible for knowing and understanding your DH's attitude towards money. Both DH and I believe in having an emergency fund. However, I am the spendthrift (hence am on TPF ) and do not question my DH about his own funds. That is his business. In a relationship, one person needs to be responsible about money and if it's not your DH, then the task falls to you especially if you have a family.

I agree. I see nothing wrong with it at all.

[Rockst@r]

Originally Posted by domlee

It depends. Are both parties paying for things equally? Or is he doing things like paying for the utilities, grocery bills, etc. and you're not? Just trying to ask to gain a bit of insight because is he is paying for the majority of stuff (hence why he isn't able to save much) and you're not paying for much, then you can see how unbalanced this situation can be. (Just a scenario)

He pays the most because he makes the most. He has plenty left to save, and instead he shops. I love him to death, but why??? Some of it could easily be saved. We live well below our means, but instead of saving the difference, he spends!

[HauteMama]

In my mind, if you specifically regarded the money as only yours and did secret things with it, then it might be an issue. As it stands, however, it sounds like you are just being responsible and that you would be willing to use the money for the sake of the family if anything tragic occurred. Like you said, your dh is a spender, and he cannot spend what he doesn't know is there. But if the roof were blown off in a tornado and insurance didn't step up, you could replace it. That doesn't sound like cheating to me. And I don't think it is unreasonable to have some money set aside "just in case". I am a sahm, but I keep one credit card in my name. I use it to keep it good standing. Why bother when the cards in dh's name have better perks attached? Because it is the only one in my name that if anything ever happened I could walk away with. I saw the situation my sister was left in when her dh died because all of the credit cards were in his name. I do not have a job; it only makes sense that I at least have a credit card and a small amount of savings in case anything ever happened. I don't consider that cheating, either; I consider it responsible.

[iamsmilin]

That's a really hard question. In my marriage we started by having our own accounts and me asking him for X amount for the bills. That wasn't working because I notice that I tend to put all my money towards bills and purchases while he got to do what he wanted to do with his. We have since switched to shared accounts that I oversee. My DH isn't the best with remembering to pay bills or balancing a check book, while I have always been pretty good at living within my means. I would feel bad if he were hiding money from me.

In your case, it sounds like maybe you need to be a little more honest with your husband about how you feel about his spending. I don't think anything is wrong with your marriage, but finances can be a huge issue. Have you talked to him about his spending and his need to over spend?

I dunno about you but I would be a little bitter if I thought I was the only one "sacraficing" to save for an emergency fund. Why should he get to buy whatever he wants while you save for a rainy day?

[Rockst@r]

Originally Posted by iamsmilin

That's a really hard question. In my marriage we started by having our own accounts and me asking him for X amount for the bills. That wasn't working because I notice that I tend to put all my money towards bills and purchases while he got to do what he wanted to do with his. We have since switched to shared accounts that I oversee. My DH isn't the best with remembering to pay bills or balancing a check book, while I have always been pretty good at living within my means. I would feel bad if he were hiding money from me. In your case, it sounds like maybe you need to be a little more honest with your husband about how you feel about his spending. I don't think anything is wrong with your marriage, but finances can be a huge issue. Have you talked to him about his spending and his need to over spend? I dunno about you but I would be a little bitter if I thought I was the only one "sacraficing" to save for an emergency fund. Why should he get to buy whatever he wants while you save for a rainy day?

I guess it doesn't bother me too much because he'll buy me stuff too. Technically I don't really have to spend any of my money. He's very generous with me and the kids. I love that about him, but sometimes I say "Hang onto your money, hun. We don't need _____." He'll buy it anyway. He works really hard and feels like he and his family should have everything. His personality has its good and bad points.