Is it considered cheating if...

[BagLadie]

I don't think what you're doing is wrong at all.

[~Fabulousity~]

Originally Posted by linpaddy

No, I do not consider what you are doing cheating. You are protecting yourself and your family. You are very sensible for knowing and understanding your DH's attitude towards money. Both DH and I believe in having an emergency fund. However, I am the spendthrift (hence am on TPF ) and do not question my DH about his own funds. That is his business. In a relationship, one person needs to be responsible about money and if it's not your DH, then the task falls to you especially if you have a family.

I agree and its also very smart of you OP

[~Fabulousity~]

Originally Posted by dearmissie

Can I ask you, why do you feel you have to keep it a secret?? I know many people who keep secret stashes of money away from their partners, and I feel like it's just keeping a lie?? But to each their own, if it works for them then who am I to judge. I respect their decisions. I talked to one of my girlfriends about this last year, and she said she'd never ever hide any money from her husband, and that he'd never do that as well. It was unacceptable in her household, and she felt like it would be keeping a secret from her husband. However, little did she know her husband was hiding a lot of money from her. I never said anything, that's their own set of problems. I have a friend who hides money from his wife, he has it being help with his daughter. I personally think that is wrong. If you're going to hide it, then hide it. But don't go through a third person to hide it, especially if it's your guy's children. That just creates all sorts of problems. If you have to be that sneaky and hide it yourself, then do it just don't go doing it with your children. If you got to be that sneaky and afraid to get caught, maybe that's a hint that it's wrong. For my DF and I we decided once we get married we combine everything. We agreed that when we get married it's two become one, so that means sharing money. We are a team, no competition between one another. There is no way can we make an equal amount of money, so we just share it all, after all we are sharing a house, a family, and a life together. It's equal, so shouldn't the money aspect of it be as well?? If we can't trust each other sharing money and being responsible with it, then maybe we should re-evaluate our marriage KWIM?? We are both are going to have to chip in to pay for bills so why do we have to split things?? DF and I have a savings pot for rainy days, and also a bit of money of our own set aside for our own little spending here and there, but it's no secret. Again, this is just what works for my DF and I. I don't mean to offend anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. Just sharing what works for us. And I agree with cutiepie21, answers will vary with different relationships due to different factors etc. I have a friend who's husband has a gambling problem and she has to stash away money from him because he's not ready to be responsible for all that money yet. I agree that she has to take control for sake of their future and their family. What if he gambled it all away?? Even though she's taken all the money to hide it, he does know she's taken the money and hidden it from him. She didn't keep it a lie, they agreed on it.

Come back a few years into the marriage and let us know how that works out!

[~Fabulousity~]

Originally Posted by shy*violet

I was really interested in reading all the replies. I think the general consensus was that as long as it was for the good of the family, it was OK. It sounds like the money that the OP has saved has acquired that money during their marriage. How do ya'll feel about my situation? I have a pretty significant amount in my emergency fund. I'm not married or on the brink of getting married, but if you met/married someone with a safety net acquired prior to marriage, would you be OK if they kept that out of the family finances? I've read many stories, and even heard stories from friends who ended up in bad relationships - whether they were just seriously dating, or married - and they couldn't afford to get out of the bad relationship. They were dependent on their boyfriend/husband for basic needs like food & shelter and didn't have enough to get out on their own. My parents raised all their daughters to be independent. We all are out of college, making great money, and we are financially savvy (no CC debt, cars paid off, etc). Would it be bad to keep our personal emergency $$ separate from family finances once we go off & get married? I think once I do get married, I'd obviously want to start a family emergency fund separate from the one I already have. I don't want to sound like I'm planning for failure, but since the divorce rate is over 50%, wouldn't it make sense to have a net to fall back on?

If I were you I would keep that money seperate and start a shared emergency fund.

[~Fabulousity~]

Originally Posted by digby723

I don't think it's cheating at all. You read all the time about women who want to leave their husbands, but they can't because they don't have the means to financially. Not saying that you want to leave your husband or anything, but whenever I read these stories I just think that if they didn't report every little thing back to their husbands then maybe they would have been able to leave, kwim? There is nothing wrong with keeping your portion of your spending money saved for whatever you want to save it for. Even if your husband was the sole breadwinner and gave you an allowance that you save, it's still yours to do what you want with it. If you earned it or it was given to you, it is yours to do what you wish with it, whether is be spend it or save it. I will give you a bit of a warning though, there was an article posted in the news subforum awhile back about a woman who had a sperate account from her husband and had something like 600k in it and the bank called the house and talked to the ladies husband about investment opportunities, even though he wasn't an authorized user on the account! They just saw that they had another joint account together and desperatly wanted her to invest this money with them. So, if you keep money in a seperate account and it is anything substancial, you might want to think about moving it to a different bank entirely so that nothing like this would happen to you!!

yeah or the wonderful super awesome husbands/boyfriends who just up and leave outta nowhere too.

[kmarney]

I congratulate you on your stash! Maybe you could buy him something nice sometime too and let him know you saved up for it! What man wouldn't appreciate a woman NOT spending everything she had. I know mine would!

[LilGlove]

Originally Posted by Rockst@r

you have a significant secret stash of cash that your SO does not know about? Background: DH pays almost all of the bills, happily married 7yrs, no issues. I was just raised never to depend on anyone. Does anyone consider this cheating or is it acceptable? I assumed that everyone does it, but I guess not. Thoughts???

These statements in the same breath don't jibe for me.

I would look at it this way...were the shoe on the other foot, and you were paying all the bills, while your hubby was building a secret fund, wouldn't you be furious?

[LilGlove]

And yes, I think saving is awesome. It's so awesome and makes so much sense that it shouldn't be so difficult to make the same justifications that are being made in this thread, which I totally agree with, to one's spouse/SO/partner. Why does it have to be something secretive, when it's totally legit?

[Rockst@r]

^^^The short answer is that he would find a reason (something that would be for the family, but a reason nonetheless) to spend it, and I want to secure our future. I feel like I am making him out to be a terrible husband. On the contrary, he is a great husband and father, and takes providing for us very seriously.

I took a HUGE pay cut (about 50%) so that there would be a parent around on nights and weekends for DD (then DS came along, and with my management schedule we could never have had a second child!) Though I make significantly less it doesn't change that I was raised to be independent. I was the one that "took one for the team" since it was based on the lesser wage earner finding a day job. When our incomes were much closer, I paid more of the bills then. This arrangement is based on the disparity in our incomes.

[~Fabulousity~]

Originally Posted by Rockst@r

^^^The short answer is that he would find a reason (something that would be for the family, but a reason nonetheless) to spend it, and I want to secure our future. I feel like I am making him out to be a terrible husband. On the contrary, he is a great husband and father, and takes providing for us very seriously. I took a HUGE pay cut (about 50%) so that there would be a parent around on nights and weekends for DD (then DS came along, and with my management schedule we could never have had a second child!) Though I make significantly less it doesn't change that I was raised to be independent. I was the one that "took one for the team" since it was based on the lesser wage earner finding a day job. When our incomes were much closer, I paid more of the bills then. This arrangement is based on the disparity in our incomes.

And based on that you are doing the right thing, some people are spenders some are savers but at the end of the day YOU must do what YOU know it right for YOUR family, screw what other people think!

[heart goes boOm]

Originally Posted by ~Fabulousity~

And based on that you are doing the right thing, some people are spenders some are savers but at the end of the day YOU must do what YOU know it right for YOUR family, screw what other people think!

yep! i think if you feel comfortable with saving in secret, it's okay. i like what someone else said you save your extra money while he spends his extra money... so what's the big deal?

[Attagirl]

Originally Posted by Rockst@r

^^^The short answer is that he would find a reason (something that would be for the family, but a reason nonetheless) to spend it, and I want to secure our future. I feel like I am making him out to be a terrible husband. On the contrary, he is a great husband and father, and takes providing for us very seriously. I took a HUGE pay cut (about 50%) so that there would be a parent around on nights and weekends for DD (then DS came along, and with my management schedule we could never have had a second child!) Though I make significantly less it doesn't change that I was raised to be independent. I was the one that "took one for the team" since it was based on the lesser wage earner finding a day job. When our incomes were much closer, I paid more of the bills then. This arrangement is based on the disparity in our incomes.

No way! He sounds like a wonderful husband. You just have different priorities when it comes to money. I respect and admire your independence - I learned the same thing from my mom as well. My concern is that it sounds like you and your DH have a good relationship but that might change if he one day finds out about this account. Your good intentions might not matter to him and that would suck.

[SaraDK]

I would be very disappointed if I found out that my DBF was hiding money from me.
I would be glad he's saving, but be upset he did not trust me enogh to tell me..

I think you should tell him, and then point out that its only for rainy days, college and so on. Not just for spending..

[LilGlove]

Originally Posted by ~Fabulousity~

And based on that you are doing the right thing, some people are spenders some are savers but at the end of the day YOU must do what YOU know it right for YOUR family, screw what other people think!

Well, considering the thread the OP started here, asking for opinions, she doesn't share in the viewpoint stated in the bolded part of your post. Further, I'm not understanding your vitriol. Did some dude hurt you recently or betray your trust somehow? And I am not saying that to be snarky. You just seem to be taking this way personally.
******

And Rockstar, I don't think what you are doing is horrible and I don't think you are making your husband into some ogre. He sounds like he likes to buy stuff unnecessarily, which I imagine is frustrating. However, I wouldn't use the same method that you are to remedy a situation.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by ~Fabulousity~

Come back a few years into the marriage and let us know how that works out!

I sure will!! Were following into the foot steps of both of our families. This is how both of our parents, grandparents, and uncle and aunts deal with their money. Works for them and so far it works for us.