Is it considered cheating if...

[Swanky Mama Of Three]

shy*violet, you may wanna start a new thread for that

rockstar, because my DH is like you and your Dad we're in a very comfortable place as well. We owe no one for anything, really is a beautiful stress relief. I thank God often for DH's ability, although I do wish he'd treat himself more often. He works his toukis off and has no vices, spends almost nothing on himself. He wanted a Porsche convertible for a long time and I finally talked him into indulging. he went and chose a new pretty little red one and it didn't last 6 months at our house! LOL! Saving makes him happy. He'd rather see that $ in his balance than in our garage.

[Rockst@r]

Originally Posted by shy*violet

I was really interested in reading all the replies. I think the general consensus was that as long as it was for the good of the family, it was OK. It sounds like the money that the OP has saved has acquired that money during their marriage. How do ya'll feel about my situation? I have a pretty significant amount in my emergency fund. I'm not married or on the brink of getting married, but if you met/married someone with a safety net acquired prior to marriage, would you be OK if they kept that out of the family finances? I've read many stories, and even heard stories from friends who ended up in bad relationships - whether they were just seriously dating, or married - and they couldn't afford to get out of the bad relationship. They were dependent on their boyfriend/husband for basic needs like food & shelter and didn't have enough to get out on their own. My parents raised all their daughters to be independent. We all are out of college, making great money, and we are financially savvy (no CC debt, cars paid off, etc). Would it be bad to keep our personal emergency $$ separate from family finances once we go off & get married? I think once I do get married, I'd obviously want to start a family emergency fund separate from the one I already have. I don't want to sound like I'm planning for failure, but since the divorce rate is over 50%, wouldn't it make sense to have a net to fall back on?

Anything acquired before marriage is yours and yours alone. I had a little something before we met (23) and added very little before marriage (27) but had I saved a significant amount (I only had several thousand), I would consider that money mine only. In time, you'd probably accumulate more than you started with during the life of the marriage anyway, unless you marry very late in life or are rich (I wish!)

[Attagirl]

Personally, I don't think it's cheating. But, I asked DH what he thought and he said it is cheating. I think the important thing to ask yourself is what would your DH say if he found out about the account? If you think he would be upset then maybe you should try talking to DH about starting a rainy day fund. He might not understand how important this is to you.

[kcf68]

I think you are a very wise woman. I have a "stash" because you can't rely on anyone else but yourself. Things happen in life whether it be accidental or intentional and if you are the saver then save away. You never know what that rainy day stash will help one day. Besides, I really think your husband would blow the money on "Stuff" anyway.

[spoiled_brat]

No, I would never consider this "cheating".

Perhaps a little off-topic but just yesterday I heard a story of a woman who has been together with her SO for 7 years. He took her money (a LOT of money, I can't even type it out) and disappeared off the face of the Earth.

I do not know the details on how he did it but all I know is she spent 7 years of her life on this slimeball and he cheated her out of her life's savings.

I sure as heck am planning on having my own money when I get married.

[dallas]

This thread has got me thinking. A stash of cash sounds nice and comforting.

[nooch]

It sounds perfectly fine to me. It sounds like you balance each other out in terms of habits, too.

I don't have anything *major* that my husband doesn't know about, but I do have enough in cash in my desk to get out of New Mexico if I had to. Not that I think I'm gonna have to, but it's nice to know it's there.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by Attagirl

Personally, I don't think it's cheating. But, I asked DH what he thought and he said it is cheating. I think the important thing to ask yourself is what would your DH say if he found out about the account? If you think he would be upset then maybe you should try talking to DH about starting a rainy day fund. He might not understand how important this is to you.

[shazam]

I would say if it works for you as a couple, then it works...but this isn't necessarily working for you as a couple since he doesn't know about it. I can understand why you do it, but I still have an issue with deliberate deception such as letting him believe you only won $500 and not $2700 (congrats on the winnings, though!).

I guess I'm just playing devil's advocate and wondering if there would be such positive responses if a woman were to post about how she pays all of the bills and then found out her husband lied to her about winning money at a casino? I understand the reasoning but am wondering if there's not some other way to do it without the same level of deception. Can you at least tell your husband that you keep a little something for a rainy day and then, if you were to win money again, let him know that some of it went into your emergency fund? Just be upfront that he's not a good saver and you think that it's best for the family if he doesn't know all of the details. Ask him to trust you that you're just thinking of the family's best interest and to respect you enough to leave it at that.

Maybe it's idealistic, but I'd rather be upfront with my spouse's saving issues and ask him to trust what I'm doing than completely hiding my behavior. And, if he can't trust me enough when I ask him to, then for me there would be other problems involved. I understand my opinion will not be a popular one, but I just wanted to share my thoughts since you were specifically asking for others' viewpoints on the situation.

[exotikittenx]

I think you need to ask yourself.... how might he feel if he found out you were hiding it from him? There lies your answer. If you think he'd be relieved that you saved all that money when something comes up and it's needed, then it's fine. If you think he'd be upset for you not being truthful with him, then you need to be more open with him. I don't think there is a straight answer to this, it depends on a lot of things.

One thing I do want to say is: GOOD FOR YOU FOR SAVING $$$! You seem like an intelligent, level-headed person. Not enough of us take that initiative.

I also want to suggest that perhaps you want to have more serious discussion about the topic of saving money and how he feels about it. Discuss why it is so important and so necessary. Maybe you can start saving together and see how that goes before you tell him about this other account.

[Bella]

Isn't the case here that she's hiding the money for both of their benefit? She's not hiding it away for herself, it's for the family, in case of a rainy day. I think you're smart OP.

[buzzytoes]

Originally Posted by HauteMama

Except why argue with him if she can save and he never knows about it? In this case, honesty would only cause more arguments, so I guess I don't see the point. Honesty for honesty's sake isn't a virtue, IMO.

I agree, you don't deserve a pat on the back just for being honest about everything. I think, like PP pointed out though, it's a good question to ask if he would be bothered by the fact that he does not know about it. Because you're doing it for the good of the family doesn't necessarily balance out hurting people along the way.

I do think it's awesome that you've taken the initiative to take of the family "just in case" Rockst@r. I wish I had half that drive!

[ZippyWho]

Nope, it is not cheating. Ahh...rainy days...anything can happen, everything can happen. My husband knows of my safety net stash.

[digby723]

I don't think it's cheating at all. You read all the time about women who want to leave their husbands, but they can't because they don't have the means to financially. Not saying that you want to leave your husband or anything, but whenever I read these stories I just think that if they didn't report every little thing back to their husbands then maybe they would have been able to leave, kwim? There is nothing wrong with keeping your portion of your spending money saved for whatever you want to save it for. Even if your husband was the sole breadwinner and gave you an allowance that you save, it's still yours to do what you want with it. If you earned it or it was given to you, it is yours to do what you wish with it, whether is be spend it or save it. I will give you a bit of a warning though, there was an article posted in the news subforum awhile back about a woman who had a sperate account from her husband and had something like 600k in it and the bank called the house and talked to the ladies husband about investment opportunities, even though he wasn't an authorized user on the account! They just saw that they had another joint account together and desperatly wanted her to invest this money with them. So, if you keep money in a seperate account and it is anything substancial, you might want to think about moving it to a different bank entirely so that nothing like this would happen to you!!

[Bella]

Some things are better left unsaid. The spender will surely be happy with the saver if and when the rainy day comes. I know I say this a lot, but it's about the intent.