Is it considered cheating if...

[kroquet]

When my Grandfather died, my Grandmother found a secret account that she assumed he had incase he wanted a new car. Well, she split the money up and gave all the grandkids a great Christmas. Rockstar, I think as long as you are doing this for the family, you are a Star.
To me, hiding money is just that. Keeping money that you would only use on yourself. But, in the event of an emergency, that money could come in handy and your DH will be mighty proud of you.

Missie - you are so cute!! I am the one that will save up for something and he is always happy when I do. But then, he never asks questions. LOL He does watch his retirement like a hawk, though.

My Mom has her own money and she is really tight with it. It truly is her "separate property" and Dad respects that. They took a trip for their 50th anniversary and she paid for it. I thought that was really cool.

[chinahopes]

my DH and I have "shared" money since about 4 months after we met.. it was just the way it was. I wouldn't hide money on him, but he doesn't have money issues, and he pretty much doesn't ever buy anything for himself, ever.. and at this point, he's the one that makes all the money.

I don't really think it's "cheating" but I'm not sure it's right either... but it's always good to have a real emergency fund

[BagAngel]

I don't think it is cheating at all, I think that you are very wise.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by vhdos

Because the OP has said - he likes to spend, she likes to save. Just because you are married, does not necessarily mean that both parties share the exactly the same goals, ideas, standards, etc. If she didn't save, then the money would probably be spent. What's so hard to understand? Not every couple has to have some pact to share everything. There's nothing wrong with having a little bit of you and a little bit of him. And to answer your question OP - no, I don't consider it cheating. I consider it smart-thinking.

I guess that's where we're different. I can't marry someone who has different goals, standards, etc. Like I said, to each their own.

[Swanky Mama Of Three]

Things change, people change
It's not a bad thing, it's just a part of learning and growing. We never stop evolving.
Different events and opportunities and experiences over the years impact us and our spouses, and often in different ways.
Your goals and ambitions can be the exact same as your SO, but sometimes you learn that each of your paths is a little different. . . it's all good.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by Swanky Mama Of Three

Things change, people change It's not a bad thing, it's just a part of learning and growing. We never stop evolving. Different events and opportunities and experiences over the years impact us and our spouses, and often in different ways. Your goals and ambitions can be the exact same as your SO, but sometimes you learn that each of your paths is a little different. . . it's all good.

I agree that not everything will be identical. But for me my partner and I have to have pretty similar views on important stuff. Can't be too different on certain subjects, and I guess for me, this is one of the subjects we'd have to agree on. I'd like for us to have the same on view on this and hope to have the same ideas on how to get there. It's all good though. We're all different, each couple is different. And that's what makes us all fabulous!!

[merika]

Originally Posted by Swanky Mama Of Three

I don't consider it cheating. If you both have XXX dollars to do with whatever you want and you choose to save a lot of yours and he doesn't. . . . then there's no cheating IMO. If he isn't listing every dime he spends reporting back to you, which I assume he doesn't, then you don't either. Just because your persona is one that likes to save or is naturally frugal also doesn't necessarily mean that you're "sacrificing". . . it's who you are. My DH is you Just because something works for you and doesn't for someone else doesn't mean it's wrong. We all adapt as we grow older w/ our spouses and figure out what works best for us.

Agree with swank on this one.

[dallas]

I don't think it's cheating at all. If you want to stash your cash, go for it.

[shy*violet]

I was really interested in reading all the replies.

I think the general consensus was that as long as it was for the good of the family, it was OK. It sounds like the money that the OP has saved has acquired that money during their marriage.

How do ya'll feel about my situation? I have a pretty significant amount in my emergency fund. I'm not married or on the brink of getting married, but if you met/married someone with a safety net acquired prior to marriage, would you be OK if they kept that out of the family finances?

I've read many stories, and even heard stories from friends who ended up in bad relationships - whether they were just seriously dating, or married - and they couldn't afford to get out of the bad relationship. They were dependent on their boyfriend/husband for basic needs like food & shelter and didn't have enough to get out on their own.

My parents raised all their daughters to be independent. We all are out of college, making great money, and we are financially savvy (no CC debt, cars paid off, etc). Would it be bad to keep our personal emergency $$ separate from family finances once we go off & get married?

I think once I do get married, I'd obviously want to start a family emergency fund separate from the one I already have.

I don't want to sound like I'm planning for failure, but since the divorce rate is over 50%, wouldn't it make sense to have a net to fall back on?

[buzzytoes]

I am kind of on the fence about this. On the one hand I think it's great that you're taking the initiative to save for the family because it doesn't sound like you are squirreling money away thinking one day you will leave him or that it is for your own personal use. On the other hand I do find it a little sad I guess that your DH doesn't know about it. I am the spender in the family and DH is the saver, therefore we have a savings account in his name only because I know that I would dip into it for stupid stuff and before we know it the money would be gone. What is the problem with telling him no if he wants to use it for things that you don't necessarily "need?" Or why not help him set up an automatic transfer from his checking to his savings so that he wouldn't really miss the money?? Then after a period of time he sees how much he's saved he might be pleasantly surprised??

[HauteMama]

I am a big fan of whatever works for you and your family. Personally, I think the idea of complete, unadulterated honesty on every subject whether your spouse needs (or even wants) to know or not is overrated. While I certainly agree that there are lines that shouldn't be crossed (as in actual cheating), my dh doesn't need to know what I do or think every minute of every day, nor does he need to know everything I've ever purchased or saved, as long as our agreed budget remains intact. I actually have quite a stash of cash myself. A few years ago I used it to buy airfare for the family for a vacation dh didn't think we could afford. He definitely wasn't angry. Different things work for different people, and as long as the family is taken care of it's all good.

[Rockst@r]

Originally Posted by dearmissie

Do you two have a college fund for your children?? You two have not discussed putting money aside for a rainy day?? That seems to be what you are doing on your own now so maybe if you two sat down and talked about it you two can discuss what's a good amount to put away at the end of each month for every situation so you two can save together openly. My Mom and her partner does this. My Mom puts a certain amount in her retirement, 401k, rainy day money, and when I was growing up she also had a certain amount she put in for my college.

Yes there are savings for the kids' education. DH knows he should save, but I save more than he ever would. I am the reason we have life and disability insurance too. He is a great guy, but he doesn't think of the terrible "what ifs" in life, and if you and your DF can agree on everything, consider yourself VERRRY lucky! I figure we're doing pretty good if after 11yrs (7yrs married) we are pretty much on the same page with most things, just not this. My family calls me cheap. I am like my dad. A saver. He bought my mom's first hair salon in cash and our first house was paid off by the time I was 5yrs old (paid off in less than 7yrs). He could've saved less to be more like my mom, but I see how much faster certain things were accomplished because he is a saver. All three of us were in college at the same time too, so that skill came in handy!

And for the record, I am not angry or anything with your point of view. I asked my question knowing everyone would not agree with me. How un-fun would the world be if we all thought the same???

[HauteMama]

Originally Posted by buzzytoes

I am kind of on the fence about this. On the one hand I think it's great that you're taking the initiative to save for the family because it doesn't sound like you are squirreling money away thinking one day you will leave him or that it is for your own personal use. On the other hand I do find it a little sad I guess that your DH doesn't know about it. I am the spender in the family and DH is the saver, therefore we have a savings account in his name only because I know that I would dip into it for stupid stuff and before we know it the money would be gone. What is the problem with telling him no if he wants to use it for things that you don't necessarily "need?" Or why not help him set up an automatic transfer from his checking to his savings so that he wouldn't really miss the money?? Then after a period of time he sees how much he's saved he might be pleasantly surprised??

Except why argue with him if she can save and he never knows about it? In this case, honesty would only cause more arguments, so I guess I don't see the point. Honesty for honesty's sake isn't a virtue, IMO.

[Rockst@r]

Originally Posted by Swanky Mama Of Three

He's spending his share. . . why are people laying guilt trips on rockstar? He spends HIS, she saves HERS. They each have extra each month and choose what to do w/ it. She's not taking from him. Man, if anything she's protecting her family - him included. That's rockstar status IMO

Gee...thanks!

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by Rockst@r

Yes there are savings for the kids' education. DH knows he should save, but I save more than he ever would. I am the reason we have life and disability insurance too. He is a great guy, but he doesn't think of the terrible "what ifs" in life, and if you and your DF can agree on everything, consider yourself VERRRY lucky! I figure we're doing pretty good if after 11yrs (7yrs married) we are pretty much on the same page with most things, just not this. My family calls me cheap. I am like my dad. A saver. He bought my mom's first hair salon in cash and our first house was paid off by the time I was 5yrs old (paid off in less than 7yrs). He could've saved less to be more like my mom, but I see how much faster certain things were accomplished because he is a saver. All three of us were in college at the same time too, so that skill came in handy! And for the record, I am not angry or anything with your point of view. I asked my question knowing everyone would not agree with me. How un-fun would the world be if we all thought the same???

I know from your previous posts that your DH is a wonderful man and a fabulous Father. And if this is the only issue you two may not exactly see eye to eye with, then hell you're a lucky duck as well!! My Mom is very frugal. Many people in our family call her cheap, but she just saves a lot and doesn't waste money on things she doesn't need. Same goes for my DF. He has NEVER bought any article of clothing since we've been together!! He just wears whatever people give him as gifts, or what I buy him! He is always saving money and thinking of our future. It's a good balance that he's a saver and I'm a spender. He's like the ying to my yang!!