Is it considered cheating if...

[amymaria]

no it's not cheating although i believe in openness and honesty in relationship despite what sort of dynamic the relationship actually is.

so, while it's not CHEATING i don't think lying and hiding something is good even though your intentions may be good.

i don't have any further advice beyond that. i would feel hurt if i shared my income with my spouse and he did not share all of it with me.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by amymaria

no it's not cheating although i believe in openness and honesty in relationship despite what sort of dynamic the relationship actually is. so, while it's not CHEATING i don't think lying and hiding something is good even though your intentions may be good. i don't have any further advice beyond that. i would feel hurt if i shared my income with my spouse and he did not share all of it with me.

I would feel the same way.

[Rockst@r]

Originally Posted by amymaria

no it's not cheating although i believe in openness and honesty in relationship despite what sort of dynamic the relationship actually is. so, while it's not CHEATING i don't think lying and hiding something is good even though your intentions may be good. i don't have any further advice beyond that. i would feel hurt if i shared my income with my spouse and he did not share all of it with me.

This is my issue: I don't LIKE that I do this, but I do it for the well-being of the family, him included. I don't hoard mine and just use it for me. I am saving for us. I save for our kids' education. I save for our retirement. I save in case the engine blows on one of the cars. This is what has me second-guessing what I am doing. In an ideal world, yes I'd tell him, but what if he then wants to use some of it for something that is not a dire emergency? Then I'd be pissed. It's very easy to chip away at savings until none is left. At the end of the day, we are a team, and I am looking out for our future; he looks out for the present. On the bright side, we have no credit issues. He was not born or raised in America, so he doesn't have the "charge it" mentality most Americans have.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by Rockst@r

There is nothing wrong with my marriage. Everything is perfectly fine. I think that if he is a spender, then someone had better be a saver. Since he is a spender by nature, I provide the security if something ever goes down. If he knew the money was there, he is a spender, so it wouldn't be saved for long! I think when people have stars in their eyes regarding marriage, it's asking for trouble. This resolves having two different spending styles. He has no addictions and he pays all the bills, so he is responsible in that regard. He just spends unnecessarily on extras. In your example, someone with an addiction may not mind their spouse hiding money since they know they have a problem. DH does not see his spending as a problem since all the bills are paid. I can't really knock him in that regard because he does make sure we have what we need.

I wasn't saying your marriage had a problem, I meant that the example of my friend who was so scared his wife would find out he's hiding money, that he had to use their daughter to hold his money. I meant that if he had to go that far off to hide his money because he didn't want his wife to be mad that he's hiding money, then that may be an indicator that what he was doing was wrong.

I do not believe that marriage is 100% easy, and I don't just have stars in my eyes when thinking of marriage. I know marriage is hard. I am a spender, and my DF is the saver. But before our marriage starts we've discussed this and how we would like to handle it. The way we've decided works for us. We both understand that we both would feel hurt if we were hiding money from one another so the way we've decided on works for us.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by Rockst@r

This is my issue: I don't LIKE that I do this, but I do it for the well-being of the family, him included. I don't hoard mine and just use it for me. I am saving for us. I save for our kids' education. I save for our retirement. I save in case the engine blows on one of the cars. This is what has me second-guessing what I am doing. In an ideal world, yes I'd tell him, but what if he then wants to use some of it for something that is not a dire emergency? Then I'd be pissed. At the end of the day, we are a team, and I am looking out for our future; he looks out for the present. On the bright side, we have no credit issues. He was not born or raised in America, so he doesn't have the "charge it" mentality most Americans have.

Do you two have a college fund for your children?? You two have not discussed putting money aside for a rainy day?? That seems to be what you are doing on your own now so maybe if you two sat down and talked about it you two can discuss what's a good amount to put away at the end of each month for every situation so you two can save together openly. My Mom and her partner does this. My Mom puts a certain amount in her retirement, 401k, rainy day money, and when I was growing up she also had a certain amount she put in for my college.

[Swanky Mama Of Three]

I don't consider it cheating. If you both have XXX dollars to do with whatever you want and you choose to save a lot of yours and he doesn't. . . . then there's no cheating IMO.
If he isn't listing every dime he spends reporting back to you, which I assume he doesn't, then you don't either.
Just because your persona is one that likes to save or is naturally frugal also doesn't necessarily mean that you're "sacrificing". . . it's who you are.
My DH is you

Just because something works for you and doesn't for someone else doesn't mean it's wrong. We all adapt as we grow older w/ our spouses and figure out what works best for us.

[agart245]

I don't think that you are cheating at all. In fact, this sounds like smart financial planning to me. It's not like you are hiding this money from him to spend it all on yourself or on frivolous purchases. It sounds to me like you are saving it in case something happened to your family, which seems like a good idea to me!

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by Swanky Mama Of Three

I don't consider it cheating. If you both have XXX dollars to do with whatever you want and you choose to save a lot of yours and he doesn't. . . . then there's no cheating IMO. If he isn't listing every dime he spends reporting back to you, which I assume he doesn't, then you don't either. Just because your persona is one that likes to save or is naturally frugal also doesn't necessarily mean that you're "sacrificing". . . it's who you are. My DH is you Just because something works for you and doesn't for someone else doesn't mean it's wrong. We all adapt as we grow older w/ our spouses and figure out what works best for us.

[Swanky Mama Of Three]

He's spending his share. . . why are people laying guilt trips on rockstar? He spends HIS, she saves HERS. They each have extra each month and choose what to do w/ it. She's not taking from him. Man, if anything she's protecting her family - him included. That's rockstar status IMO

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by agart245

I don't think that you are cheating at all. In fact, this sounds like smart financial planning to me. It's not like you are hiding this money from him to spend it all on yourself or on frivolous purchases. It sounds to me like you are saving it in case something happened to your family, which seems like a good idea to me!

I think it's a good idea to save for a rainy day, but what I have a harder time understanding is how come some couples don't save for a rainy day or their children's future together?? I'm pretty sure most husbands and wives all agree that they want to provide for their family as best as they can. Maybe I should ask my friend why they don't want to save for their kids college fund together and how come he feels the need to do it on his own. I'm sure his wife wants the best for their children just as much as he does. He's been doing this for about 8 years. It's hard for me to see how he and his wife never talk about their kids college and how they will be paying for it. This topic never came up for them??

Sorry, just rambling. Trying to better understand everyone's unique situations.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by Swanky Mama Of Three

He's spending his share. . . why are people laying guilt trips on rockstar? He spends HIS, she saves HERS. They each have extra each month and choose what to do w/ it. She's not taking from him. Man, if anything she's protecting her family - him included. That's rockstar status IMO

I don't think anyone's putting on guilt trips. We're just answering the question, "Does anyone consider this cheating or is it acceptable? I assumed that everyone does it, but I guess not. Thoughts??? " and giving her our opinions. In addition, a lot of posters have written how they agree with what she's doing once she's saving for her family. I agree people can do as they please with their money, whether it to be spend it or save it, but I think what doesn't work for my DF and I is if there is a need to keep it a secret if your saving money from one another. That's my opinion of course, to each their own. If she feels I am giving a guilt trip, then I really do apologize. I'm just stating my opinion.

[Swanky Mama Of Three]

I tell DH sometimes to stop trying to figure it out and just accept things! LOL! Not kidding though!

I'm sure there's a lot of possible reasons, but maybe she's as interested but somehow just not as motivated to contribute, has a lack of willpower, and perhaps that's fine w/ him so he just does the contributing

I saved $ for a long time and didn't really tell DH.
Then one night after a move or something we needed a good sum of cash and didn't want to run out to an ATM after a long day. I went to my stash and produced $2k and DH was NOT mad I kept it from him at all! LOL!
He's asked from time to time if I still stash money, and I told him I do but like my own private stash and he respects that and really never asks anymore.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by Swanky Mama Of Three

I tell DH sometimes to stop trying to figure it out and just accept things! LOL! Not kidding though! I'm sure there's a lot of possible reasons, but maybe she's as interested but somehow just not as motivated to contribute, has a lack of willpower, and perhaps that's fine w/ him so he just does the contributing I saved $ for a long time and didn't really tell DH. Then one night after a move or something we needed a good sum of cash and didn't want to run out to an ATM after a long day. I went to my stash and produced $2k and DH was NOT mad I kept it from him at all! LOL! He's asked from time to time if I still stash money, and I told him I do but like my own private stash and he respects that and really never asks anymore.

I don't mind "accepting it", it's not my life.

My DF and I have our own little "fun" account. I buy my bags or whatever with them, and he buys his sports stuff with his. It's not hidden though. DF always tells me, "Oh I'm going to add this to my fun account". No biggie to me because it's not a secret. I don't ask him to share with me how much he has in it or anything, although he enjoys being open with me. We only add there to our separate fun accounts AFTER we pay for what we need to pay for. I believe in having fun money for whatever. However, we do have a separate account we share for saving for big things and emergencies. To me it's just the whole secret part which would upset me if he was "hiding" money. Personally, I don't have any secrets from my DF. It works for us.

[vhdos]

Originally Posted by dearmissie

I think it's a good idea to save for a rainy day, but what I have a harder time understanding is how come some couples don't save for a rainy day or their children's future together?? I'm pretty sure most husbands and wives all agree that they want to provide for their family as best as they can. Maybe I should ask my friend why they don't want to save for their kids college fund together and how come he feels the need to do it on his own. I'm sure his wife wants the best for their children just as much as he does. He's been doing this for about 8 years. It's hard for me to see how he and his wife never talk about their kids college and how they will be paying for it. This topic never came up for them?? Sorry, just rambling. Trying to better understand everyone's unique situations.

Because the OP has said - he likes to spend, she likes to save. Just because you are married, does not necessarily mean that both parties share the exactly the same goals, ideas, standards, etc. If she didn't save, then the money would probably be spent. What's so hard to understand? Not every couple has to have some pact to share everything. There's nothing wrong with having a little bit of you and a little bit of him.
And to answer your question OP - no, I don't consider it cheating. I consider it smart-thinking.

[bagnshoofetish]

my grandmother used to stash away lots of cash and she was able to buy each of her children homes/property with it. (this was in the 1930s and 40s so even though real estate was cheaper, she still had to save quite a bit for those times!) so I don't think its negative in any way. I think its pretty darn responsible if you ask me especially if you know your SO is not good at saving and if your SO is worth their salt, they will appreciate that you do so. afterall, its not like you are hoarding the dough for yourself. just saving for a rainy day. its for the good of the family.