IMPORTANT about Relationships & Family Forum

[nathansgirl1908]

Originally Posted by berryblondeboys

I TOTALLY respect what Vlad and Megs are saying, but it isn't true that all that is talked about here is purse or purse related. People migrate over or, like in my case, I look once in awhile at the purse stuff, but I try to stay away to save my pocketbook. That's why there are all these other areas in the playground. And while, yes, I agree, I don't like seeing sex items mixed in with family and dating/marriage stuff, it is also part of life and people have questions. Maybe I'm an oddball, but I like forums where I can talk about whatever I want with people I've gotten to "know". I wouldn't feel comfortable asking some things of strangers on some random forum I just "found" to ask that one question. First, newbies tend to be overly scrutinized and/or ignored. Two, how do I know if I can trust a random person's answer? When I have a parenting question here, I know there are some posters I would never follow for advice and others I would listen to with great interest and so on. So...if I had a sex question (which I did), I would trust and feel more comfortable asking a group of people I have gotten a feel for versus some pervert who just likes to hang out on a sex forum... Which is why I know Vlad and Megs want to stay away from have a sex subforum because there are lots of people they don't want hanging out on their purse forum... I just like the feel of forums where I feel it's a more complete "friendship" versus... these are the people I talk to only about baby stuff, and these people only about exercise and these people only about my sex life. They never get to KNOW me if I just dole out pieces here and there. The best advice always comes from people who know a more complete picture of someone... that's what's lacking on most internet forums... the seeing a person as a whole person and not just a purse lover, or shoe lover, etc.

Maybe you could pm some members that you feel more comfortable with.

[Laurie8504]

Originally Posted by Charles

Uh, it would be a SEX forum, which you have to apply, and be approved, to participate in. That's like joining a forum talking about murders and getting upset at the violence. I also think that most people here are classy enough to keep it from becoming XXX

If you want to talk about sex that badly, I'm sure there are plenty of other forums on the web that host that type of discussion...and without application as well! Creating a sub-forum like you're describing would be a lot of work, and not (IMO) in the spirit of tpf.

Not to mention, can you imagine what a difficulty it would be regulating that type of content? What if the mod thought something was completely out of line, yet the poster thinks it's normal? Sex is so personal and controversial that it would be hard to decide on what is and isn't allowed. It would be like starting a political sub-forum. I would hate for members to have falling-outs because of disagreements in this area...I could see it spilling over into other sub-forums as well.

Why not exchange email addresses with posters you'd like to talk with about this subject? That's simple enough.

[caxe]

This thread reminds me of something.

My mom, my aunt, and my cousin were talking about when my cousin was pregnant with her child. That reminded my mom of something from when she was pregnant, and she was talking about when her water broke as one of my younger cousins just happened to be walking through the room.

He said, "What does that mean?" (Unaware that they had been talking about pregnancy, and too young to know what pregnancy meant.)

My mom said, "I had a bottle of water, and it broke." Then everyone got these weird "duh" looks on their faces, and a couple of us snickered.

SMH. I was only about 12 or so during this conversation, but even to me that sounded very cheesy. LOL. But he didn't question it further!

[Charles]

Originally Posted by Laurie8504

If you want to talk about sex that badly, I'm sure there are plenty of other forums on the web that host that type of discussion...and without application as well! Creating a sub-forum like you're describing would be a lot of work, and not (IMO) in the spirit of tpf. Not to mention, can you imagine what a difficulty it would be regulating that type of content? What if the mod thought something was completely out of line, yet the poster thinks it's normal? Sex is so personal and controversial that it would be hard to decide on what is and isn't allowed. It would be like starting a political sub-forum. I would hate for members to have falling-outs because of disagreements in this area...I could see it spilling over into other sub-forums as well. Why not exchange email addresses with posters you'd like to talk with about this subject? That's simple enough.

Perhaps I'm missing something, but wouldn't it be like any other forum in here and it's regulations? There are tons of topics that get regulated daily in forums with tons of posts a day. I don't see why a sex forum would be any harder to handle.
As for the spirit of tPF...evidently there are a lot of people already who are discussing it. These are people we've gotten to know very well and have bonded via tPF, so in a way, to us, it's right in line with the spirit of tPF...knowledge, information, humor, etc etc. Sex is a part of everyone's life and as long as it doesn't become crude, what's so wrong with that? This would be a hidden forum in which you have to submit to be approved to join (Hell, I'll volunteer to review the submissions). If you don't want to participate or be exposed, then don't apply.
There have been tons of posts in which people need advice on topics sexual in nature and times where people have learned vital (possibly life saving) lessons on sex and sexual health. This would be a place where those issues could be talked about in a professional manner (yet more in detail) and people who don't want/need to see it (ie children) would be protected. And sure, we could PM people, but that's not the spirit of a discussion forum.

[Roo]

^^ I think the other important thing to remember is that sexual topics can require constant watching, they get reported frequently and as a result can sometimes be a nightmare for moderators to deal with. Mods here are volunteers and can't spend all day, realistically speaking, babysitting threads. This forum has become huge in the past year and it's logistically just not practical to monitor these topics either, KWIM? From a member's view, being a moderator may seem easy, but it's really harder (and more time consuming) than people realize.

[Charles]

I've been a mod at other forums before. :)

[berryblondeboys]

Originally Posted by nathansgirl1908

Maybe you could pm some members that you feel more comfortable with.

Ok, can you IMAGINE how weirded out someone might feel personally asking opinions of someone about sex? When you PM someone about politics - let's say, "Hey are you planning on driving up for the inauguration?" Or, "What do you think about Obama's connection to Blagojovich really is?" It's normal conversation where asking someone privately seems pretty normal.

But sex is usually a private thing which is why there really NEEDS to be places to discuss it where people feel safe because people DO have questions and where to go??? It would take nerves of STEEL for a man or woman, to PM someone personally to ask , "How do I know if I'm performing oral sex right? My partner never reaches orgasm while I do it. Is this normal or am I doing something wrong?" It's a legitimate question. One where he/she wants help, but needs to feel "safe" too. And how would it feel to the receiver of that email? it would feel weird perhaps, but also it might feel like a lot is riding on your ONE view, one vision of that question when really, several opinions would be more rounded.

Again, I totally understand why Vlad or Megs put out this reminder and it's completely valid.

[Sunshine]

This thread sure is turning into a debate over a topic that is just not going to happen right now. I think Megs made her point and just wanted to explain how she would like to see it, and how we mod this area. I rarely post in here...however, I read for ages...I am not one to over mod, so really its just about using the right vocabulary, keeping it reasonable and not to explicit. There are SO many sex forums, start posting in them...get to know the crowd and go to town. Also, from day one I suggested pm'ing about certain topics. Do a group pm if need be and have a conversations regarding topics. This is not new news. It was just getting out of hand.

[Sunshine]

Originally Posted by berryblondeboys

Ok, can you IMAGINE how weirded out someone might feel personally asking opinions of someone about sex? When you PM someone about politics - let's say, "Hey are you planning on driving up for the inauguration?" Or, "What do you think about Obama's connection to Blagojovich really is?" It's normal conversation where asking someone privately seems pretty normal. But sex is usually a private thing which is why there really NEEDS to be places to discuss it where people feel safe because people DO have questions and where to go??? It would take nerves of STEEL for a man or woman, to PM someone personally to ask , "How do I know if I'm performing oral sex right? My partner never reaches orgasm while I do it. Is this normal or am I doing something wrong?" It's a legitimate question. One where he/she wants help, but needs to feel "safe" too. And how would it feel to the receiver of that email? it would feel weird perhaps, but also it might feel like a lot is riding on your ONE view, one vision of that question when really, several opinions would be more rounded. Again, I totally understand why Vlad or Megs put out this reminder and it's completely valid.

Actually I have a few ladies I am friends with here, and we pm each other about alllllll sorts of things. Group pm's.

[nathansgirl1908]

Originally Posted by berryblondeboys

Ok, can you IMAGINE how weirded out someone might feel personally asking opinions of someone about sex? When you PM someone about politics - let's say, "Hey are you planning on driving up for the inauguration?" Or, "What do you think about Obama's connection to Blagojovich really is?" It's normal conversation where asking someone privately seems pretty normal. But sex is usually a private thing which is why there really NEEDS to be places to discuss it where people feel safe because people DO have questions and where to go??? It would take nerves of STEEL for a man or woman, to PM someone personally to ask , "How do I know if I'm performing oral sex right? My partner never reaches orgasm while I do it. Is this normal or am I doing something wrong?" It's a legitimate question. One where he/she wants help, but needs to feel "safe" too. And how would it feel to the receiver of that email? it would feel weird perhaps, but also it might feel like a lot is riding on your ONE view, one vision of that question when really, several opinions would be more rounded. Again, I totally understand why Vlad or Megs put out this reminder and it's completely valid.

Okay so why is it more weird to send a pm than it is to post your question on the open forum where EVERYONE can see it? I really don't follow that line of thinking at all.

As I pointed out, you could pm someone on the forum that you already feel very comfortable with. You could first ask them if it would bother them and then proceed from there.

[candace117]

Nathansgirl, I would imagine she said that because there are sometimes members on here who may not have friends they talk to via PM but still read everyone's posts and see who offers valuable advice for them - so it can be hard to pm someone for the first time and have it be about sex, I'd imagine Somehow, putting it on a thread can be a different experience than sending a pm. I don't think this way, but I do see how people would.

I guess if there was a list somewhere of people who would be willing to accept random questions/pm's from people and put on a group list to talk about sex or other things in general, we could do that?
I know I'd be willing to accept someone's personal pm for advice about anything - literally. Like Charles said, people have gotten potentially life-saving advice on tpf; especially about sex.

[maddog]

I'm positive I've been a contributor to the need for this post. Sorry for that Megs!

While I personally don't see sex talk here as a bad thing (in fact mostly good, since it balances out the other sex stuff kids will inevitably see online with more normalcy and less raunchiness even if with slight details), nor can I imagine too many kids under 13 collecting handbags (not that there aren't any), my opinion on this matter doesn't really matter. I'll try to keep myself in check in the future.

[Nishi621]

Originally Posted by Charles

Perhaps I'm missing something, but wouldn't it be like any other forum in here and it's regulations? There are tons of topics that get regulated daily in forums with tons of posts a day. I don't see why a sex forum would be any harder to handle. As for the spirit of tPF...evidently there are a lot of people already who are discussing it. These are people we've gotten to know very well and have bonded via tPF, so in a way, to us, it's right in line with the spirit of tPF...knowledge, information, humor, etc etc. Sex is a part of everyone's life and as long as it doesn't become crude, what's so wrong with that? This would be a hidden forum in which you have to submit to be approved to join (Hell, I'll volunteer to review the submissions). If you don't want to participate or be exposed, then don't apply. There have been tons of posts in which people need advice on topics sexual in nature and times where people have learned vital (possibly life saving) lessons on sex and sexual health. This would be a place where those issues could be talked about in a professional manner (yet more in detail) and people who don't want/need to see it (ie children) would be protected. And sure, we could PM people, but that's not the spirit of a discussion forum.

I totally agree Charles! Sex is a big part of relationships and sometimes needs to be discussed. PM'ing people isn't always the way to go. Personally, as long as it is not graphic detail, I don't see the big problem with sexual topics being discussed.

The hidden forum where members would need approval to get in (thus, protecting the children on the forum), sounds like a great idea.

And, I do know how hard it is being a mod, I have been one at other forums over the years. it's nto easy at all!!

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by Charles

Perhaps I'm missing something, but wouldn't it be like any other forum in here and it's regulations? There are tons of topics that get regulated daily in forums with tons of posts a day. I don't see why a sex forum would be any harder to handle. As for the spirit of tPF...evidently there are a lot of people already who are discussing it. These are people we've gotten to know very well and have bonded via tPF, so in a way, to us, it's right in line with the spirit of tPF...knowledge, information, humor, etc etc. Sex is a part of everyone's life and as long as it doesn't become crude, what's so wrong with that? This would be a hidden forum in which you have to submit to be approved to join (Hell, I'll volunteer to review the submissions). If you don't want to participate or be exposed, then don't apply. There have been tons of posts in which people need advice on topics sexual in nature and times where people have learned vital (possibly life saving) lessons on sex and sexual health. This would be a place where those issues could be talked about in a professional manner (yet more in detail) and people who don't want/need to see it (ie children) would be protected. And sure, we could PM people, but that's not the spirit of a discussion forum.

I agree with Charles. I think some "sex" topics are interesting - even though I know some aren't suitable for this part of the forum because of the ages of some people on here. I trust and like the people in here - and there is no way I would be comfortable participating in a sex-type of forum on another site. So I see what he is saying about having a sub-forum. I think maybe people would have to be a member here for a year or so - and there would be restrictions etc. I am not asking Megs and Vlad to open one up - but I see what Charles is saying. This place isn't filled with perverts so it's nice to be able to "talk" about certain subjects without feeling creeped out. But I also understand what Megs is saying about how it isn't all that appropriate.

Oh and another thing - I think pm'ing people about sex is downright creepy. It's "safe" in a forum setting - but if someone pm'd me asking me sexual type questions I would be like.....umm...hello!?

[merika]

I think it boils down to an individual's way of asking a question or writing a reply. That's all Megs requests, at least that's how I felt when I read her post.

You can write a reply to a question that involves sexual matters in a perfectly appropriate way (after all, many schools do offer sex education/AIDS prevention from around 3rd grade up). Or you can write the same reply in a way that totally grosses some people out. If you need to elaborate and feel it's not forum appropriate you could follow up with a PM to the OP saying "I wanted to say this, but feel it's too controversial to post on an open forum so I hope you don't mind my contacting you " and give them the info.

If anyone has questions that need answering, reading the R&F forum for a few days will give them a clear idea of who is capable of answering a question well, who is receptive to such questions and won't ridicule you for asking.

tpf is a place with great resources. I've had ob/gyn questions answered, legal matters looked into and my tax questions solved all via PM!