[carol86cruz]

My period was late so I went to the doctor...found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant!!!

As some of you may know, I wrote a thread last August about how my boyfriend was accusing me of cheating because a strange smell suddenly appeared "down there"...we broke up, I went to therapy.
But then around February, we talked and we both decided to make it work, we thought "new year, why not?"....but that didn't last. Everything didn't seem right for some reason and I started arguing with him over every little thing that pissed me off. We broke up this Monday. (after only 2 1/2 weeks.)
I'm doing fine without him. I called him and told him the news, to which his response was, "yeah right...you're lying, you just want me back." So i said "fine. you could believe me or not."

So now my problem is, should I just forget about him, even though i'm carrying his baby? Or should I tell him again, even though he wont believe me?
I want my baby to have its dad, but truthfully, I don't want my baby's dad to act the way HE acts.

I really don't know.

[jenarae]

First of all congrats!
I remember your thread and i remember talking to you through PM when my relationship was a bit on the rocks at the same time yours was. I think you need to tell him to stop acting so immature and believe what your saying! He needs to get off his high horse. His kid is on it's way!

[merika]

Congratulations!!

Some thoughts I had on the matter, which I think I should write here...

Maybe you should speak to a counselor again? I suggest it because
1. Having a kid alone without the father's emotional support is a serious matter
2. Having an awful biological father (who may sometimes get it into his head to demand parental rights/visits etc) is no joke.
3. Having a father who might refuse his paternity, and if called upon to pay child support may not pay consistently and avoid responsibility is no joke either.

You should talk about these things with someone and decide on how you are going to face the situation. It is easy to be proud and say "I can bring up a child without him". Yes you certainly CAN, but it's going to be hard and you're going to need all the support you can get. HUGS

[carol86cruz]

Yeah but he said if i call him he wont answer, if i go over there he wont answer the door, and i asked, "what if i sent you a letter?"...he sent he would rip it. Our break up was a messy one and I know he probably hates me, but i'm done with him too....that's my dilemma: i want my baby to have its father, but i don't want that life-long relationship with him.

[merika]

Originally Posted by carol86cruz

Yeah but he said if i call him he wont answer, if i go over there he wont answer the door, and i asked, "what if i sent you a letter?"...he sent he would rip it. Our break up was a messy one and I know he probably hates me, but i'm done with him too....that's my dilemma: i want my baby to have its father, but i don't want that life-long relationship with him.

I'm sorry Carol, but if you've got to have one, then you've got to have the other as well. I speak from experience. Please talk to someone soon.

[April_Skye]

First of all, congrats to you!
I hope you are taking good care of yourself!

Though I must say, i was concerned about the reason you broke up (because he was accusing you of cheating using the weirdest piece of 'evidence'!) Thats really awful and quite immature.
He's shown that again when you told him, straight up, that you're bearing his child and he still wont take your word for it!

This makes me think thats his problem yknow? Youve admitted to it. He didnt believe you. If he asks again because he is doubting you, tell him. (But you shouldnt have to start chasing him around town throwing a doctors certificate in his face to convince him).

But you did do the right thing because whether you two are on good terms or not, its still his baby as much as yours. I had a friend that had an abortion - she didnt even tell the guy that she was pregnant in the first place. Its something that ive never been able to get past...

And of course, now that there is a baby thrown into the equation, you need to start thinking for the baby and base your choices around his/her needs.

Ive seen this situation before... and it actually bought the man and the woman closer together because they were both caring and nuturing for this child - as a team..

But remember, youve thrown the ball into his court. Youve acted responsible and told him. But if he is shallow and childish enough to accuse you of lying about it, then distancing yourself from that behaviour will make sure you can enjoy a comfortable pregnancy. Make sure you surround yourself with friends and family.
Best wishes to you

[HauteMama]

It is a little late to decide you don't want a life-long relationship with him. If the child is going to see his/her father, you MUST have some sort of relationship with him. The two of you have created a permanent link between you, and neither of you can simply be done with the other.

If he is violent or in any way dangerous, I wouldn't pursue telling him and I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate because I wouldn't want him to be able to make any legal claim to the baby. If a relationship is dangerous, even child support isn't worth it, IMO.

But it doesn't sound like that's an issue. At the very least after the baby is born you can have a paternity test (I believe he will have to pay for it if it is proven he is the father) and get child-support, but I wouldn't expect him to be around (he doesn't sound like he wants to step up). It is sometimes better for a child to have no relationship with his/her father than to have one where the father constantly lets the child down or where there is verbalized hatred between the mother and father.

Good luck.

[carol86cruz]

Thanks everyone...

I always pictured us excited about getting pregnant. but i definitely dont want my baby to see us arguing or not getting along. I know he would step up and be a father, but our relationship will never be like my baby would like it to be, that's what i'm upset about.

[Speedy]

Oh sweetie. Damn, part of me is happy for you, part of me is sad because I know he's a jerk.

I would prefer to talk about this in email with you, you know? You have my email addy (if not, PM me, I'll give it to you again) because some of what I may say won't be real popular. Know I say what I say because I love you and Ive been in this same position.

[April_Skye]

Originally Posted by carol86cruz

Thanks everyone...

I always pictured us excited about getting pregnant. but i definitely dont want my baby to see us arguing or not getting along. I know he would step up and be a father, but our relationship will never be like my baby would like it to be, that's what i'm upset about.

Thats definatley something you need to discuss with him and work that out together - but its not going to happen if he keeps ignoring your phone calls and blocking you. I pray that the both of you are able to find a balance - if not harmony - to raise the child together.

Maybe you could talk to a trusted mutual friend who can bring you two together (and calm him down)? Because he sounds so preoccupied with your break-up that he's not taking much notice of the issue at hand.

[carol86cruz]

I surely don't want to follow him around begging for him to believe me, but at times i feel i have no other option.
I talked to a friend at school and she said i should just raise it by myself, but i want to do the right thing...and i know he has to be there, but i want him to act right!!!!

[Bag Fetish]

Originally Posted by carol86cruz

Thanks everyone...

I always pictured us excited about getting pregnant. but i definitely dont want my baby to see us arguing or not getting along. I know he would step up and be a father, but our relationship will never be like my baby would like it to be, that's what i'm upset about.

Move on and forget about him. If he ask (when she sees you growing) reply to his questions and let him know he is welcome to be a part of the childs life if he wants but he's going to do it in an adult manner.

Congra'ts and enjoy being prego...
Good luck and take care.

[merde111]

Maybe you should speak to a counselor again? I suggest it because
1. Having a kid alone without the father's emotional support is a serious matter
2. Having an awful biological father (who may sometimes get it into his head to demand parental rights/visits etc) is no joke.
3. Having a father who might refuse his paternity, and if called upon to pay child support may not pay consistently and avoid responsibility is no joke either.

What Merika says is correct. I raised my son alone (I divorced his father soon after our son was born), and it is the hardest, most challenging thing I've ever done--and I've done some really challenging things in my life! You'll need to make enough money to support yourself and your child, pay for day care (since you'll need to work), and grow up VERY quickly so that you can be emotionally stable and mature enough to care for another human being.

Furthermore, you owe it to your baby NOT to shut his/her father out of his/her life. You will need to make something work with him, including possibly going to court to petition for a DNA test to prove paternity PLUS filing for child support. If he ends up paying child support, he will probably want visitation with his child, so you will need to work that out with him. The two of your lives will be linked FOREVER by this child. You will be dealing with this man for the rest of your life.

Are you sure you want to have this child? Nobody else has said anything about abortion, but you've got to look logically and rationally at every option and every piece of the puzzle here. I'm just speaking frankly because I've BEEN THERE and it's not an easy road.

If you do decide to keep the baby, my best advice would be to 1) go to the doctor and get a letter stating you are definitely pregnant. 2) Send it to your ex-bf (or tell him you will show it to him), and then start working on what the two of you want and plan to do. As I said again--you won't be alone in this; your ex-bf will be a part of your life forever if you choose to have his child, whether you are together or not.

Best of luck to you sweetheart; keep us posted!!!

[Speedy]

Honey, I DO know in California that if you prove paternity, the courts can and will attach his wages as well as suspend his driver's liscense should he refuse to pay child support... but you'll have to get a court order as well as a paternity test in order to get this done. Calilifornia doesn't mess around with dead-beat dads... they tried to get money from my Uncle for months after he died!! I kept getting these form letters about how much he owed for child support (and it doesn't stop after the child turns 18 in some cases, his was wayy past due) I only got them stopped after I returned one with a copy of his death certificate.

For now I'll say, go through the courts/legal help instead of trying to see him. He's already proven to be a jerk, and I fear what he'll try to do when he realizes he owes you for the next 18 years. YOU need to protect YOU and that baby.

Can I be an honorary Grandma to your baby too? I got LOTS of love to go around! ;-)

[carol86cruz]

Im having it. It never even crossed my mind to have an abortion.