I'm confused, a bit hurt, I don't know...

cherry_blossoms · Jul 3rd, 2008, 02:44 AM

I've been kind of feeling upset about this...and stumbled upon the forum through google...
Let me get right to the point.

For the last two weeks, I have been kind of flirting and making out with this guy at work. We don't really have any no-relationship policy at work, so that's not a problem. The thing is, we both wanted to keep this low-key so we were very secretive about our fling. I do not want to be involved in a relationship right now as I have just gotten out of a serious one. I just wanted something for fun. And this guy was perfect because he was really chasing me and I needed to feel that thrill of being chased. Of course I like him, otherwise I wouldn't have felt comfortable him touching me. He is not really my type so it wasn't like I was head over heels for him...BUT...

We would sneak into an empty office and make out, etc. And for the last couple of days it came really close to having sex. And today we almost had sex. That is, he couldn't really get it up! I couldn't help but feel a bit weird. Like I wasn't hot enough for him to get it up, you know what I mean? And tonight, he was supposed to come over and "try again" but he had a plan with a "female friend." I couldn't help but feel jealous. He called me later in the evening apologizing for not being able to come over.

I don't know what to think. I don't normally get sexual with a guy too soon, but I felt that was what I needed to get over my previous relationship. And I am so frustrated that we couldn't even really have any sex, and on top of that he is losing interest/dumping me!

I do not want him as a boyfriend or anything, but why do I feel jealous? Why do I feel rejected? Why can't I feel cool about this? I thought it was possible for me to have sex without emotional attachment, but I guess not.

How do I deal with the aftermath? My plan is to talk to him tomorrow - to end this w/o messiness. I want to tell him that while it was fun obviously it is not going to work, so let's keep this little fling to ourselves and never tell anyone. I am guessing he has more at stake since he had a "physical problem". I don't know. I've never really had this problem before. I was always in serious relationships. Never had a fling like this before with someone I wasn't even dating!

Please give me some advice on how to deal with this.
Thanks!

cherry_blossoms · Jul 3rd, 2008, 02:48 AM

Oh, and to give more info - we're both in our late twenties. Our fling started about 3 weeks ago.

VPT · Jul 3rd, 2008, 03:11 AM

Maybe he wants sort of a challenge and you seemed a little too eager? IDK.
IDK why he couldn't get it up. Does he smoke alot? Some smokers have that problem. Maybe he does have a gf and took you for a ride?

cherry_blossoms · Jul 3rd, 2008, 03:15 AM

No he doesn't smoke or has a gf.
I think what I am most bothered is that I thought I could handle fling w/o emotions thing. But I feel like sh*t right now.

SimplyMe · Jul 3rd, 2008, 03:39 AM

Cherry_blossoms...I just kinda want to say that it's not the healthiest way to get over a break up. Maybe you're still adjusting to being alone or needed that boost to your self esteem, that I can understand. But sweetie, the "fling" game is dangerous! I know it's exciting and all, but consider the risks of having sex with this guy. It seems to me that he's dating around and enjoying his fun. You may potentially risk your job (if caught having sex in an office) or even contracting STDs.

Forget him and take time to heal from your last one. You don't need that loser's attention to make you feel special! Take care.

April_Skye · Jul 3rd, 2008, 04:42 AM

I think, instinctively, females are always searching for a mate. A partner. Even when we think we're not.
And, most of the time, we have a really hard time seperating physical urges from emotional ones. I think thats just how we're built.

So, if we try to get over guy#1 by fooling around and having fun with guy#2 (all the while telling ourselves "This isnt serious. Its casual. No strings."), we find that yes, we are now over guy#1 (to a degree) but... oh dear... somewhere along the track we've fallen for guy#2. How did that happen?!

I think what you're feeling is completley natural. It was bound to happen. Heck, ive been there myself!

I think its because we love to be loved.
You even said "...I needed to feel that thrill of being chased"

We desire... to be desired. But we're not very good at sharing! (lol)
Still, It does hurt an awful lot. I think it would be best if you cut of the 'fun' with this guy and take some time out before your heart and your head begin a battle against each other.

cherry_blossoms · Jul 3rd, 2008, 04:57 AM

Thank you for your replies...
I think you hit the nail on the head April_Skye.
Thankfully, I think my "hurt" feelings are subsiding greatly and now I am beginning to see things clearly. I am going to have a quick talk with him tomorrow. I will just tell him this was fun but this sex w/o strings attached thing isn't for me.

April_Skye · Jul 3rd, 2008, 05:09 AM

And thats fine too. Its not for everyone (me included!) Because Im not gunna lie. I cant seperate those two urges. Im too much of a softy and my heart gets stringed along quite easily. But what youre doing is excellent: Taking care of YOU.

And by the way, welcome to the purse forum!

cherry_blossoms · Jul 3rd, 2008, 05:24 AM

Thanks!
I do fine when I don't see him...haha. It's just that I run into him every day. I CAN avoid him if I want to, but I get a bit curious. I guess that's why people advise against hooking up with someone from work. Regardless of office policies, it's just really not a good idea. I learned it the hard way!

LadyLinda · Jul 3rd, 2008, 06:11 AM

Don't worry about his not getting it up, or what that means. I assure you, it's more about something with him, than you. Men themselves struggle with the mysteries of why the soldier doesn't stand at attention when called upon. It's probably as simple as him being nervous about having sex at work.

Sounds like you've realized it's more sensible to end this fling. Work flings are a bad idea anyway.

More serious relationships develop differently, and have legs. But flings... generally more trouble than they're worth. You're smart to end this one and move on to something more fulfilling.

Purses · Jul 3rd, 2008, 08:17 AM

I agree with everyone who responded. It must be so hard for you right now, cherry_blossoms!
Concentrate on your job, become successful so that you have the best revenge ever.
You need time to get over your 1st ex and that is more important. Continue to live life, have a good time and above all, give it time to get over the 1st ex. I seriously doubt the 2nd guy meant anything...maybe you are just confused because of the 1st guy.

As for his pecker, he has a problem. Maybe he smokes weed, or do other type of drugs or maybe he is diabetic or some men experience ED at an earlier age then they want it to be.

Don't worry about his problem...just use that knowledge if he decides to start immature gossip at work. Just make sure you handle the situation with grace and hold on to your dignity.

I have this book that directly deals with this type of scenerio, but I don't have it with me just yet. It is a Canadian etiquette (sp?) book and it's very modern and a bit of a comedy book. If I can remember the name of it, I'll post it here.

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2008, 09:54 AM

Sex at work? Do these things really go on?

Purses · Jul 3rd, 2008, 10:07 AM

I don't think it happens often, but I'm sure it's exciting! I think cherry_blossoms is missing that and with time, she need to get herself back on focus with her personal and professional goals.

~Fabulousity~ · Jul 3rd, 2008, 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladylinda

don't Worry About His Not Getting It Up, Or What That Means. I Assure You, It's More About Something With Him, Than You. Men Themselves Struggle With The Mysteries Of Why The Soldier Doesn't Stand At Attention When Called Upon. It's Probably As Simple As Him Being Nervous About Having Sex At Work.

Sounds Like You've Realized It's More Sensible To End This Fling. Work Flings Are A Bad Idea Anyway.

More Serious Relationships Develop Differently, And Have Legs. But Flings... Generally More Trouble Than They're Worth. You're Smart To End This One And Move On To Something More Fulfilling.

Ita!

lovinalotofbags · Jul 3rd, 2008, 12:12 PM

Sex will not make you feel better or help you to get over a past relationship. Saying that we only want a sex relationship or that this is nothing serious and just a fling is something we say to make ourselves distant. It does not work. We are human beings and we love connections be it with family, friends or SOs. Emotions are always in the equation no matter how you try to keep them out. The fact that you work with this guy does not make it easier. That is why office romance gone bad has dire consequences. No action is without a reaction no matter how small you think it might be. Someone will get hurt and it is most likely the woman.

Jul 3rd, 2008, 03:11 AM	#3
VPT i ♥ blood oranges Joined: May 2008 Location: Vanc, WA Posts: 1,811	Maybe he wants sort of a challenge and you seemed a little too eager? IDK. IDK why he couldn't get it up. Does he smoke alot? Some smokers have that problem. Maybe he does have a gf and took you for a ride? __________________

Jul 3rd, 2008, 04:42 AM	#6
April_Skye we CAN have it all Joined: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 602	I think, instinctively, females are always searching for a mate. A partner. Even when we think we're not. And, most of the time, we have a really hard time seperating physical urges from emotional ones. I think thats just how we're built. So, if we try to get over guy#1 by fooling around and having fun with guy#2 (all the while telling ourselves "This isnt serious. Its casual. No strings."), we find that yes, we are now over guy#1 (to a degree) but... oh dear... somewhere along the track we've fallen for guy#2. How did that happen?! I think what you're feeling is completley natural. It was bound to happen. Heck, ive been there myself! I think its because we love to be loved. You even said "...I needed to feel that thrill of being chased" We desire... to be desired. But we're not very good at sharing! (lol) Still, It does hurt an awful lot. I think it would be best if you cut of the 'fun' with this guy and take some time out before your heart and your head begin a battle against each other. __________________ Live Now. Kill The Boredom *On shopping ban until 1st August!! Can she do it?*

Jul 3rd, 2008, 05:09 AM	#8
April_Skye we CAN have it all Joined: Jun 2007 Location: Sydney, Australia Posts: 602	And thats fine too. Its not for everyone (me included!) Because Im not gunna lie. I cant seperate those two urges. Im too much of a softy and my heart gets stringed along quite easily. But what youre doing is excellent: Taking care of YOU. And by the way, welcome to the purse forum! __________________ Live Now. Kill The Boredom *On shopping ban until 1st August!! Can she do it?*

Jul 3rd, 2008, 09:54 AM	#12
BagLadie Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 4,222	Sex at work? Do these things really go on? __________________ She tucked her coral lipstick away and floated back to the party....

Jul 3rd, 2008, 12:12 PM	#15
lovinalotofbags Member Joined: Mar 2008 Location: Carolinas Posts: 1,363	Sex will not make you feel better or help you to get over a past relationship. Saying that we only want a sex relationship or that this is nothing serious and just a fling is something we say to make ourselves distant. It does not work. We are human beings and we love connections be it with family, friends or SOs. Emotions are always in the equation no matter how you try to keep them out. The fact that you work with this guy does not make it easier. That is why office romance gone bad has dire consequences. No action is without a reaction no matter how small you think it might be. Someone will get hurt and it is most likely the woman. __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jul 3rd, 2008, 02:44 AM	#1
cherry_blossoms Member Joined: Jul 2008 Posts: 11	I've been kind of feeling upset about this...and stumbled upon the forum through google... Let me get right to the point. For the last two weeks, I have been kind of flirting and making out with this guy at work. We don't really have any no-relationship policy at work, so that's not a problem. The thing is, we both wanted to keep this low-key so we were very secretive about our fling. I do not want to be involved in a relationship right now as I have just gotten out of a serious one. I just wanted something for fun. And this guy was perfect because he was really chasing me and I needed to feel that thrill of being chased. Of course I like him, otherwise I wouldn't have felt comfortable him touching me. He is not really my type so it wasn't like I was head over heels for him...BUT... We would sneak into an empty office and make out, etc. And for the last couple of days it came really close to having sex. And today we almost had sex. That is, he couldn't really get it up! I couldn't help but feel a bit weird. Like I wasn't hot enough for him to get it up, you know what I mean? And tonight, he was supposed to come over and "try again" but he had a plan with a "female friend." I couldn't help but feel jealous. He called me later in the evening apologizing for not being able to come over. I don't know what to think. I don't normally get sexual with a guy too soon, but I felt that was what I needed to get over my previous relationship. And I am so frustrated that we couldn't even really have any sex, and on top of that he is losing interest/dumping me! I do not want him as a boyfriend or anything, but why do I feel jealous? Why do I feel rejected? Why can't I feel cool about this? I thought it was possible for me to have sex without emotional attachment, but I guess not. How do I deal with the aftermath? My plan is to talk to him tomorrow - to end this w/o messiness. I want to tell him that while it was fun obviously it is not going to work, so let's keep this little fling to ourselves and never tell anyone. I am guessing he has more at stake since he had a "physical problem". I don't know. I've never really had this problem before. I was always in serious relationships. Never had a fling like this before with someone I wasn't even dating! Please give me some advice on how to deal with this. Thanks!

Jul 3rd, 2008, 02:48 AM	#2
cherry_blossoms Member Joined: Jul 2008 Posts: 11	Oh, and to give more info - we're both in our late twenties. Our fling started about 3 weeks ago.

Jul 3rd, 2008, 03:15 AM	#4
cherry_blossoms Member Joined: Jul 2008 Posts: 11	No he doesn't smoke or has a gf. I think what I am most bothered is that I thought I could handle fling w/o emotions thing. But I feel like sh*t right now.

Jul 3rd, 2008, 03:39 AM	#5
SimplyMe Racing With You. Joined: Dec 2007 Location: Very foggy! Posts: 151	Cherry_blossoms...I just kinda want to say that it's not the healthiest way to get over a break up. Maybe you're still adjusting to being alone or needed that boost to your self esteem, that I can understand. But sweetie, the "fling" game is dangerous! I know it's exciting and all, but consider the risks of having sex with this guy. It seems to me that he's dating around and enjoying his fun. You may potentially risk your job (if caught having sex in an office) or even contracting STDs. Forget him and take time to heal from your last one. You don't need that loser's attention to make you feel special! Take care.

Jul 3rd, 2008, 04:57 AM	#7
cherry_blossoms Member Joined: Jul 2008 Posts: 11	Thank you for your replies... I think you hit the nail on the head April_Skye. Thankfully, I think my "hurt" feelings are subsiding greatly and now I am beginning to see things clearly. I am going to have a quick talk with him tomorrow. I will just tell him this was fun but this sex w/o strings attached thing isn't for me.

Jul 3rd, 2008, 05:24 AM	#9
cherry_blossoms Member Joined: Jul 2008 Posts: 11	Thanks! I do fine when I don't see him...haha. It's just that I run into him every day. I CAN avoid him if I want to, but I get a bit curious. I guess that's why people advise against hooking up with someone from work. Regardless of office policies, it's just really not a good idea. I learned it the hard way!

Jul 3rd, 2008, 06:11 AM	#10
LadyLinda Member Joined: Jul 2007 Location: Philadelphia Posts: 577	Don't worry about his not getting it up, or what that means. I assure you, it's more about something with him, than you. Men themselves struggle with the mysteries of why the soldier doesn't stand at attention when called upon. It's probably as simple as him being nervous about having sex at work. Sounds like you've realized it's more sensible to end this fling. Work flings are a bad idea anyway. More serious relationships develop differently, and have legs. But flings... generally more trouble than they're worth. You're smart to end this one and move on to something more fulfilling.

Jul 3rd, 2008, 08:17 AM	#11
Purses Member Joined: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,120	I agree with everyone who responded. It must be so hard for you right now, cherry_blossoms! Concentrate on your job, become successful so that you have the best revenge ever. You need time to get over your 1st ex and that is more important. Continue to live life, have a good time and above all, give it time to get over the 1st ex. I seriously doubt the 2nd guy meant anything...maybe you are just confused because of the 1st guy. As for his pecker, he has a problem. Maybe he smokes weed, or do other type of drugs or maybe he is diabetic or some men experience ED at an earlier age then they want it to be. Don't worry about his problem...just use that knowledge if he decides to start immature gossip at work. Just make sure you handle the situation with grace and hold on to your dignity. I have this book that directly deals with this type of scenerio, but I don't have it with me just yet. It is a Canadian etiquette (sp?) book and it's very modern and a bit of a comedy book. If I can remember the name of it, I'll post it here.

Jul 3rd, 2008, 10:07 AM	#13
Purses Member Joined: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,120	I don't think it happens often, but I'm sure it's exciting! I think cherry_blossoms is missing that and with time, she need to get herself back on focus with her personal and professional goals.