I want to cry...I'm so sad - and so mad

merika · Feb 16th, 2008, 08:59 AM

I have a good friend living nearby who is a SAHM. We've been close friends for the past 4 years; our sons are the same age (8) and go to the same school. She has two more kids aged 6 and 3 and she's from a South Asian country. She's a wonderful wife and mother, my son loves her a great deal and so do I.

Last December, about the same time I had a scary mammogram my friend developed a lump in her breast. She went to get it checked out, and turned out she has breast cancer. She's only in her early thirties.

The doctors recommend a mastectomy to totally remove her breast. Here's the thing: she won't have it done. I asked her why, and her response was "My husband will find me unattractive if I have a mastectomy and he will divorce me and marry someone else". I talked to her a lot - there are so many options now for reconstructive surgery, she DOES have insurance coverage for that. But no. Her husband apparently told her that it would "feel different" to him, and so she won't have it done.

Why do I feel like banging my head against a wall and crying?

Rockst@r · Feb 16th, 2008, 09:13 AM

Merika, I'm so sorry to hear. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend. I can't imagine the inner turmoil she must be going through. My mom is a breast cancer survivor, so I'm quite sensitive to the topic. She needs to have that surgery. It may save her life! Does she fully understand that? She needs to put her life ahead of her husband's wishes. What stage breast cancer does she have?

DamierLover · Feb 16th, 2008, 09:18 AM

Sorry Merika...cultural differences here. I had a friend who passed away about 10 years ago now. She was a beautiful single mom in her mid-30's. She also refused the doctors advice. Said she would never find a man who would find her attractive if she did. She died, and her sons have grown up , one is married and has a new baby boy. I also was mad at her foolishness.

Wentworth-Roth · Feb 16th, 2008, 09:18 AM

That's a horrible situation, for the sick woman and for you! Sadly, there is little you can do, except talking to her (what you have already done) and maybe her husband too. Have you spoken with the husband? Does he really think that way, or was it just related to you by the wife?

merika · Feb 16th, 2008, 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rockst@r

Merika, I'm so sorry to hear. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend. I can't imagine the inner turmoil she must be going through. My mom is a breast cancer survivor, so I'm quite sensitive to the topic. She needs to have that surgery. It may save her life! Does she fully understand that? She needs to put her life ahead of her husband's wishes. What stage breast cancer does she have?

I am not sure. I don't think she knows either. As far as I know it is still localized in one (rather large) area but has not spread elsewhere. She had lymph node biopsies and some sort of bone scan which both came out negative.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wentworth-Roth

That's a horrible situation, for the sick woman and for you! Sadly, there is little you can do, except talking to her (what you have already done) and maybe her husband too. Have you spoken with the husband? Does he really think that way, or was it just related to you by the wife?

She doesn't want me to talk to her husband. I wanted to. Her husband does not even want anyone to know she has "this sickness", and doesn't even like her talking to me about it. She didn't tell me for a while because her husband wanted it kept in the family.

nataliam1976 · Feb 16th, 2008, 09:23 AM

This is a second thread that had left me speechless today.

I dont even know this woman but i feel like banging my head against the wall, too.

I also wish her husband a prostate cancer starting yesterday and /or lobotomy . He wouldnt have to worry about feeling things different then. Im seething with anger now.

merika · Feb 16th, 2008, 09:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DamierLover

Sorry Merika...cultural differences here. I had a friend who passed away about 10 years ago now. She was a beautiful single mom in her mid-30's. She also refused the doctors advice. Said she would never find a man who would find her attractive if she did. She died, and her sons have grown up , one is married and has a new baby boy. I also was mad at her foolishness.

I am so worried that this is what will happen to her too...

Quote:

Originally Posted by nataliam1976

I also wish her husband a prostate cancer starting yesterday and /or lobotomy . He wouldnt have to worry about feeling things different then. Im seething with anger now.

I totally understand!!! Grrr......

LOREBUNDE · Feb 16th, 2008, 10:37 AM

Well, she says her husband won't find her attractive and marry someone else? If she doesn't take care of this and dies her husband may marry someone else. To me thats so silly. If there relationship is that shallow than maybe he should marry someone else!

gillianna · Feb 16th, 2008, 12:19 PM

So her husband would rather have the possiblity of cancer spreading throughout her body and having her children see her sick and possibly dying because he is a jerk. I am sorry for your friend but she needs to know that her children's needs come first before her husband and she should do everything in her power to fight and be there for her children.
My best friend had cancer twice, got a double mast. the second time and is now considered stage 4 but cancer free. I don't quite understand it but all her tests are perfect and she is doing great. She did get implants and they are quite perky and a bit large but she looks good. Your friend has a very selfish husband if he only sees his wife as a breast........he needs a swift kick in the as$. I hope karma hits her husband hard......

wordpast · Feb 16th, 2008, 12:25 PM

Wow, I can't beleive her husband. This is his wife, his partner. I don't have any advice. I guess the only thing you can do at this point is keep talking to her and hope that maybe it will connect? Sorry you're going through this.

Jill · Feb 16th, 2008, 12:33 PM

No offense...but her hubby is a freakin JACKASS.
OMG....Keep trying to talk sense into her PLEASE!!!
I cant beleive any hubby would rather see his wife die than to have a breast removed.My mom had hers removed years ago..and u cant even tell due to great reconstructive surgery.SHAME ON HIM!

girliceclimber · Feb 16th, 2008, 12:40 PM

Wow, I am blown away by the insensitivity and ignorance of her husband....

Quote:

Originally Posted by merika

I am not sure. I don't think she knows either. As far as I know it is still localized in one (rather large) area but has not spread elsewhere. She had lymph node biopsies and some sort of bone scan which both came out negative.

This is a good sign, breast cancer that hasn't spread to lymph nodes is very, very curable. But as we all know, it's essential to get ALL the tissue out of the area because there might be some bad cells hanging out after they take out the lump.

Merika, are you good enough friends to give her some tough love? Could you sit down with her and say something like, "Look honey, you MUST have this procedure done if you want to live. Would you want to die and leave your son without a mother?"
I know this sounds terrible and insensitive, but she seems to be thinking of this matter rather shallowly, and needs a reality check. Sometimes in cases of life and death, you need to be really blunt. I recently had to learn how to counsel people about death and dying, and actually it's better to say words like "death" and "dead" rather than "passing", etc, because otherwise people don't take your message seriously enough, or gloss over it in their minds.
Anyways, good luck with this situation... it's really tough and you're a good friend to be so concerned.

Speedy · Feb 16th, 2008, 01:15 PM

Everyone beat me to the advice here, so I'll just send you my love. I know what cultural differences can do to a woman, or to a child, and it's awful, especially in this day and age. Apparently your friend has it in her head her breasts ARE who she is, and she's willing to die to stay whole. I know a gal who's husband desperatly needed a leg amputated to save his life as well, and she had to do a LOT of talking to get him to sign the papers.

Girlececlimber said a lot of good words there... a little tough love may be in order. I wish you the best here.

Minette · Feb 16th, 2008, 01:32 PM

Assuming she has had the best second and third medical opinions I'm very much hoping that your friend is further urged into counseling to rationally evaluate "her own" very basic need and right to live -- despite what anyone else, including a husband might "want." I hope your friend wants to and will find someone very quickly to help her and I wish her very well.

fiatflux · Feb 16th, 2008, 01:47 PM

Has she gotten a second opinion yet? It's always possible that another oncologist might have a different opinion. If the second oncologist also feels she should get a mastectomy, then there's no question she should get that done.

Feb 16th, 2008, 08:59 AM	#1
merika Just me Location: In front of a computer	I want to cry...I'm so sad - and so mad I have a good friend living nearby who is a SAHM. We've been close friends for the past 4 years; our sons are the same age (8) and go to the same school. She has two more kids aged 6 and 3 and she's from a South Asian country. She's a wonderful wife and mother, my son loves her a great deal and so do I. Last December, about the same time I had a scary mammogram my friend developed a lump in her breast. She went to get it checked out, and turned out she has breast cancer. She's only in her early thirties. The doctors recommend a mastectomy to totally remove her breast. Here's the thing: she won't have it done. I asked her why, and her response was "My husband will find me unattractive if I have a mastectomy and he will divorce me and marry someone else". I talked to her a lot - there are so many options now for reconstructive surgery, she DOES have insurance coverage for that. But no. Her husband apparently told her that it would "feel different" to him, and so she won't have it done. Why do I feel like banging my head against a wall and crying? __________________ I will also gladly authenticate your chocolates for you.

Feb 16th, 2008, 09:13 AM	#2
Rockst@r Zeta lady 4ever Location: Philadelphia	Re: I want to cry...I'm so sad - and so mad Merika, I'm so sorry to hear. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend. I can't imagine the inner turmoil she must be going through. My mom is a breast cancer survivor, so I'm quite sensitive to the topic. She needs to have that surgery. It may save her life! Does she fully understand that? She needs to put her life ahead of her husband's wishes. What stage breast cancer does she have?

Feb 16th, 2008, 09:18 AM	#3
DamierLover Member	Re: I want to cry...I'm so sad - and so mad Sorry Merika...cultural differences here. I had a friend who passed away about 10 years ago now. She was a beautiful single mom in her mid-30's. She also refused the doctors advice. Said she would never find a man who would find her attractive if she did. She died, and her sons have grown up , one is married and has a new baby boy. I also was mad at her foolishness.

Feb 16th, 2008, 09:18 AM	#4
Wentworth-Roth Oldtime member	Re: I want to cry...I'm so sad - and so mad That's a horrible situation, for the sick woman and for you! Sadly, there is little you can do, except talking to her (what you have already done) and maybe her husband too. Have you spoken with the husband? Does he really think that way, or was it just related to you by the wife?

Feb 16th, 2008, 09:23 AM	#6
nataliam1976 Hmmmph Location: all around Europe	Re: I want to cry...I'm so sad - and so mad This is a second thread that had left me speechless today. I dont even know this woman but i feel like banging my head against the wall, too. I also wish her husband a prostate cancer starting yesterday and /or lobotomy . He wouldnt have to worry about feeling things different then. Im seething with anger now. __________________ "Buy me, Lady" said the frock, "and I will make you into a BEAUTIFUL and WHOLE and COMPLETE human being". "Do not be SILLY", said the Man, " for a frock alone cannot do that". "TRUE" said the Lady. " I shall have the Shoes and the Bag as well".

Feb 16th, 2008, 10:37 AM	#8
LOREBUNDE Member Location: Rhode Island	Re: I want to cry...I'm so sad - and so mad Well, she says her husband won't find her attractive and marry someone else? If she doesn't take care of this and dies her husband may marry someone else. To me thats so silly. If there relationship is that shallow than maybe he should marry someone else!

Feb 16th, 2008, 12:19 PM	#9
gillianna Member	Re: I want to cry...I'm so sad - and so mad So her husband would rather have the possiblity of cancer spreading throughout her body and having her children see her sick and possibly dying because he is a jerk. I am sorry for your friend but she needs to know that her children's needs come first before her husband and she should do everything in her power to fight and be there for her children. My best friend had cancer twice, got a double mast. the second time and is now considered stage 4 but cancer free. I don't quite understand it but all her tests are perfect and she is doing great. She did get implants and they are quite perky and a bit large but she looks good. Your friend has a very selfish husband if he only sees his wife as a breast........he needs a swift kick in the as$. I hope karma hits her husband hard......

Feb 16th, 2008, 12:25 PM	#10
wordpast Member Location: Never Never Land	Re: I want to cry...I'm so sad - and so mad Wow, I can't beleive her husband. This is his wife, his partner. I don't have any advice. I guess the only thing you can do at this point is keep talking to her and hope that maybe it will connect? Sorry you're going through this. __________________

Feb 16th, 2008, 12:33 PM	#11
Jill	Re: I want to cry...I'm so sad - and so mad No offense...but her hubby is a freakin JACKASS. OMG....Keep trying to talk sense into her PLEASE!!! I cant beleive any hubby would rather see his wife die than to have a breast removed.My mom had hers removed years ago..and u cant even tell due to great reconstructive surgery.SHAME ON HIM!

Feb 16th, 2008, 01:15 PM	#13
Speedy Sofa King Banned Location: N. California	Re: I want to cry...I'm so sad - and so mad Everyone beat me to the advice here, so I'll just send you my love. I know what cultural differences can do to a woman, or to a child, and it's awful, especially in this day and age. Apparently your friend has it in her head her breasts ARE who she is, and she's willing to die to stay whole. I know a gal who's husband desperatly needed a leg amputated to save his life as well, and she had to do a LOT of talking to get him to sign the papers. Girlececlimber said a lot of good words there... a little tough love may be in order. I wish you the best here.

Feb 16th, 2008, 01:32 PM	#14
Minette Member	Re: I want to cry...I'm so sad - and so mad Assuming she has had the best second and third medical opinions I'm very much hoping that your friend is further urged into counseling to rationally evaluate "her own" very basic need and right to live -- despite what anyone else, including a husband might "want." I hope your friend wants to and will find someone very quickly to help her and I wish her very well.

Feb 16th, 2008, 01:47 PM	#15
fiatflux Member	Re: I want to cry...I'm so sad - and so mad Has she gotten a second opinion yet? It's always possible that another oncologist might have a different opinion. If the second oncologist also feels she should get a mastectomy, then there's no question she should get that done.