I think I already know the answer but I have to ask . . .

[caitlin1214]

Should I make an effort to talk to someone I haven't had any contact with since high school?


Normally, the answer would be yes, but it's kind of complicated.
(Get your popcorn ready.)

Let's call her Ivy

Ivy was my best friend in sixth grade. We were inseperable. We met when we were both living on Kwajalein. After sixth grade, her family moved back to New Jersey. We wrote long, multiple page letters and sent elaborate birthday/Christmas gifts to each other. (Our birthdays are both in December. Mine's the 14th and hers is the 31st.)

I moved back to Massachusetts after seventh grade.

We called each other once a week and talked for long periods of time. It got to the point where my dad told me to limit the call to an hour.

We would make it a point to visit each other.

I always envied her. She was the first one to get a boyfriend, she did the best work in school. Her bedroom on Kwajalein was so color coordinated and her bedroom in New Jersey was so much bigger than mine.

Our phonecalls, letters, presents and visits went on like that until the summer of 1996 when her parents called my parents, telling them that Ivy had just been checked into treatment for an eating disorder. When I talked to her mother, she said that Ivy wasn't sent there because she was dangerously skinny, she was sent there because she was obsessed with the calories/fat content of everything.

At the time, I thought it came out of nowhere.

When I took the time to think about it, that news didn't seem so surprising. I remember the spring before she was admitted, Ivy was visiting me. She was staying in my room. I woke up early one morning because I heard this light stepping noise. She had workout clothes on and was doing lunges.

My parents took us to the science museum. There was a room of funhouse mirrors and all of a sudden, Ivy said she didn't want to look at one particular mirror anymore. I asked her why and she replied, "I'm just not."

At lunch, we decided to order the same thing, and we went with nonfat vanilla yogurt with hot fudge and Reese's Pieces on it. Her choice. She made it a point to tell me that the nonfat yogurt would offset the Pieces and the fudge sauce.

I remember thinking one of her letters was so much darker than the others. It wasn't anything obvious, but it certainly was a bunch of little things. She described a guy at her school as "some stupid kid trying to be funny." She used the word 'damn' at one point.

She also said something like "Everyone else thinks I'm one way, but you know what I'm really like, Caitlin."

We never really talked about 'serious' stuff. The only time that happened was when I was going though a rough time in eighth grade. She made it a point to tell me how much she loved me and how much we were best friends.

[caitlin1214]

When she was admitted to the hospital, I talked to her to get updates on how she was. I rememember her being worried that they were serving turkey. I suggested she put a little salt on it. She reported later that because of the salt, she ate her dinner and was rewarded for doing so.

She didn't stay in treatment for very long. After that she saw a therapist.

The letters and packages stopped. Gradually the calls got fewer and fewer. She wouldn't call me. I called her and sometimes she wouldn't call me back when she said she would.

Eventually all the calls and letters stopped coming and I was devastated. Why had my best friend dropped me like that?

Then I got angry. I was there for her, worrying about her while she was going through that. Where the hell was she when I was going through my scoliosis? I could've used someone to talk to.

I remember writing an angry letter to her in my journal talking about how hurt and angry I was.


My therapist said that as a coping mechanism, she rid herself of everything from her life when she was sick. (I guess I was a part of that.)

I did try calling her mother once just to see how she was. Her mother gave me her New York number and I called and left a message wishing her a happy birthday but she never called back.

I was thinking about this because I was uploading Debbie Gibson on my ipod, and I remembered how Ivy was a huge Debbie Gibson fan. She even had the Electric Youth perfume.

For the heck of it, I wanted to see if she was on Facebook. She is.


I'm getting pissed off again just thinking about it. Now I'm thinking I don't want to reconnect so we can be friends. I want to reconnect to tell her that while what she went through must have been extremely difficult, to completely forget me like that was not cool.

[tiny dancer]

Oh gosh. I am so, so, so sorry that this has happened to you.
Once again, a good, innocent person is treated horribly.

Yknow... Im not going to waffle on. But what I will say is, I was in a similar situation like Ivy's. (Not an eating disorder but depression). A few things had happened in my life and it began to unravel. Im not trying to stand up for Ivy but Im just trying to hopefully shed some light on her behaviour and ultimatley, how it upset your life even though you didnt do anything.

The early morning lunges. The lowfat yoghurt. The dark-toned letters about how no one understands her and only you do.

Ivys had alot of problems. The saddest part is, its coming from within her. You mentioned how jealous you were of her growing up. But maybe... maybe she was jealous of you? I mean that in the nicest way of course!! But Ivy's going through alot of turmoil that sounds like it began to show at a very early age and was well developed by her teens. Thats a long time to be feeling awful about yourself.
In my position, I felt terrible. I was at war with myself. I was my own enemy and I began to shy away from people and cut them out of my life. Why? Not because they did anything wrong. It was because I didnt wanna burden them, or think low of me.

If i were you, I'd reach out. Just a "hey hows it going?"
Hopefully, shes alot better now.
But please remember, even though Ivy probably went down a really rocky path, she wouldnt forget you.
You visited her in the hospital... at her lowest point. You were there for her.

[eviemarie]

Def get in contact. She will probally be delighted you contacted her. Maybe she was embarressed that you saw her go through what she did. You were really really close by the sounds of it. I say go for it!!

Let us know.
x

[cosmogrl5]

As someone who has been in Ivy's place, I can assure you that what she did to you was not intentional. After treatment in high school, I cut off all of my old friends. I felt that because they knew I formerly had an ED that they would watch my every move and judge me if I wasn't eating enough...and the worst was comments about how I was looking better because I equalled that with "fat". I made new friends as a way of giving myself a clean slate and to leave my old unhealthy lifestyle in the past. I still miss and think about my old friends and wish that I had done things differently. Maybe Ivy does too? I'd reach out to her. HTH!

[merika]

Try getting in contact. You might find out that you and she have changed a LOT over time and are at different places in your lives. I've had people not want to be my friend anymore, and I have also withdrawn from people's friendships by my own choice. It's hard to go back to the friendship that you had before; my hope would be that you will be able to forge an entirely new and wonderful relationship with her.

[stellamaried]

I would contact her if you are interested in seeing how she is doing and catching up. I would not contact her if you are angry, and I would not contact her to express that you are upset about something that happened 12 years ago when she was in 8th grade. It sounds like she was going through a lot at the time and it was certainly a very difficult time in her life. She probably couldn't (and honestly, shouldn't) have thought about anyone other than herself while trying to recover. I hope she's doing okay now.

[caitlin1214]

Thanks, everyone.

[Pursegrrl]

Originally Posted by stellamaried

I would contact her if you are interested in seeing how she is doing and catching up. I would not contact her if you are angry, and I would not contact her to express that you are upset about something that happened 12 years ago when she was in 8th grade. It sounds like she was going through a lot at the time and it was certainly a very difficult time in her life. She probably couldn't (and honestly, shouldn't) have thought about anyone other than herself while trying to recover. I hope she's doing okay now.

I completely agree with this. If you do decide to reach out, make sure you are prepared for any type of responses from her...or no response at all. No matter what happens, she will always remember you as a friend who stuck with her during a dark and low point in her life.

[HauteMama]

While I understand your anger and frustration, I wouldn't contact her if that is the bulk of your feelings, or if you want to rehash what is done. She was very ill, and especially at that age, it was likely humiliating for her to be hospitalized and undergo treatment. She didn't want to relive it or be reminded of it, and unfortunately you were part of that. No, it isn't fair and it isn't right, but I can't say I blame her. There are people I want nothing to do with, not because of who THEY are or were, but because of who I was when I knew them.

If you want her to explain herself, it is likely she cannot. If pushed into a corner she will likely apologize and then again sever all contact with you. If you actually want to rekindle a friendship with her, than it cannot be about what happened before, and you need to work through the anger you have before contacting her.

[emmalawyer]

I think you need to be very honest with yourself and understand why you want to get in touch with her. I'd do if and only if I thought I could let go of the outcome. I see no intrinsic harm in getting in touch to say that you were hurt by her behavior. It may feel a bit redundant cuz I think she likely knows she hurt you but if the act of telling her how you felt is cathartic to you, then fine. If, on the other hand, you are invested in eliciting a reaction (any reaction) from her & will be hurt again if she doesn't respond to you, then I think I'd stay away & cut my losses...

Ask yourself if you'll be checking your messages again & again waiting for an answer (apology, acknowledgement, anything really), and if you'll dwell on why she didn't answer (yet) only to once again feel inadequate when it starts to look like she might not answer at all... If, on the other hand, you can just shrug off whatever the outcome, then you should feel free to think of your needs (like she thought of hers) and say what you need to say!

I've been on both sides of this. Different issues; similar situations. When I cut off a good friend and he e-mailed me --3 times in about 6 months-- I deleted the e-mails without reading them because I no longer wanted him in my life. It was that simple, really, to ignore him. When he tried calling, I saw the number and let the calls go to voicemail.

I also tried to reconnect when I should have known better. I knew going into it that I would feel hurt & angry because the person would likely just "be too busy" to respond. And if she did, it would probably be a disappointment complete with stilted, overly formal prose (think "best wishes...XXX"). And, yeah, I got what I was asking for (and felt all the more infantilized because I knew what kind of emotional can of worms I was opening, but kept thinking if would be different this time...). Lastly, I did reconnect with a good friend (probably my best friend from childhood). We live on different continents and we're adults now... it's not the same thing, but I'd rather have her in my life than not despite the fact that the relationship is now dramatically different. So, please prioritize with you in mind this time. I, too, think you know the answer to this .

[Virgo]

Try it but be prepared if she isn't interested in being friends any more. It sucks when that happens, I know since this happened to me twice and the second time very recently.

[caitlin1214]

As it stands, right now I don't trust myself to send a message to her without wanting to just curse her out.


At some point, maybe I'll want to say something but I don't think I'm ready just yet.

[tiny dancer]

Well thats okay too! As long as you are honest with yourself! If thats how you really feel, then dont place yourself in a position where you could be hurt again, because even though she went down a rocky path, that was a really mean thing to do... who knows? maybe she'll stumble across your profile on facebook and will contact you first? Either way, chin up girl! coz we love you and we're here for you!!

[ShimmaPuff]

Originally Posted by caitlin1214

...I'm thinking I don't want to reconnect so we can be friends.

I'm thinking that you are right, you already do know the answer.

At least right now. I don't think anyone could blame you for feeling angry and hurt and wanting to curse her out.

There is an old saying about every story having two sides, and from what you tell us, her side is that she was fighting to save her life.

Not keeping in touch with you may have been harder than any of us, even you, could imagine.

Getting in touch with her to curse her out would not, I don't think, make you feel any better about losing her. It won't make you love her any less, but it does carry the danger of making you love yourself less.

The whole sad, horrible story will not be something that you are going to forget, ever. But I think that there will come a day when you want to get in touch with her motivated purely and completely only by a desire to re-connect with her, if doing so will not hurt her.