I need r/s help... (Long, SIA)

[PurseAddict79]

Ok, I need some relationship advice… And I am soooo sorry this is so long. But there’s no “short way” to explain all of this…

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. This is our second go round. We were together 10yrs ago, broke up, and I seriously spent the better part of the last 10yrs looking for him. Now 7mo into things, I’m truly starting to realize he may not be right for me.

I am insanely insecure with my looks. I have body image issues and, honestly, just think I am unattractive from an overall perspective. So I KNOW that a lot of our issues start there. Additionally, I have been cheated on in relationships so many times that my trust issues are exhausting… so that doesn’t help either.

He, on the other hand, is quite confident. He’s never had any problem getting women. Attractive women. In fact, I’m the first non model and/or non stripper he’s dated in over 7yrs.

He has an affinity for strip clubs. According to bf, he used to go to strip clubs all the time… ever since he was 18. He says he doesn’t anymore. But I’m not too sure I believe him… and I know of one incident (I’ll go into it in a minute) where he did go and lied to me.

Now before I list the reasons I am having issues, I want to give credit where its due. I begged for months for him to open up emotionally… and he truly has over the last few months. He tells me he loves me all the time. On my bday he was sooo good to me and gave me a lovely, heartfelt card and truly made me feel special. He calls me at least twice a day, he texts during the day to see how I’m doing. When something negative happens in my life, he truly seems concerned. So he’s not a bad boyfriend. I just don’t trust him… and here’s a bit of why:

-He’s never had a girlfriend he didn’t cheat on. And he admits this to me. He somewhat “justifies” his cheating on other girls, but to me cheating is not something you can justify. You end something before you start another… period.
-When we started dating he said he wasn’t seeing anyone else. I found out months later that there was, in fact, someone else that he continued to see for a few weeks. Now to his credit, we were only dating… but he still lied. Additionally, we were sleeping together… and he told me he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else.
-He lied about going to a strip club a month or so ago. He told me he was having a guys night. No biggie. I called him around 2:30am (after bars close) and he didn’t answer. He called back at 3:30am. He said he’d been at a bar and lost his friends because they went bar hopping. It wasn’t until the next night that I found out, after asking him again for more details or whatever, that he was at a strip club. And got a lap dance. And he knows how anti strip club I am, especially since that had been his dating pool for so long. AND there’s that 1.5hr window where he didn’t answer his phone… and I’m still left wondering where he was/what he was doing even though he swears he was just with his friends “talking”
-He says that’s the only time he’s been to a strip club in the last 7mo. But about 3mo ago we were walking by one in his town and the doorman said “Hey X” and called him by his name! He doesn’t go anymore, but they know him by name??? He works in retail, and his store is down the street. He said the doorman is one of his regular customers. Plausible, but… I dunno.
-He looks at girls all the time when we’re in public. And not like a quick glance. Like looks them up and down. Young, rail thin girls. And then gets pissed at me for getting frustrated with him for what I consider being disrespectful towards me.
-I have an eating disorder that I battle every day. It’s gotten better, but some days are better than others. If I am on a strict workout routine and diet, the ED is kept at bay. He keeps saying I’m getting too thin (5’1”, 130 is NOT thin). But then he looks at rail thin girls, and he pays thin girls w/ perfect boobs $20 to grind on him… so how am I not suppose to think that’s not what he wants? And when I dwell on that, I stop eating again.
-He lives 2hrs away. We only see each other every other week (use to be more, but his schedule has gotten hectic… and so has mine). I don’t think he ever has the intention of moving here, and I can’t move to him because my son and my son’s dad live here and we have 50/50 custody. So it’s not feasible for me to move. So, even though we’re only 7mo into things, I still wonder if it’s even going anywhere.

I read this and it seems so clear that I should probably end things. Be it due to my insecurities and trust issues, or because of things that have happened with us… it just doesn’t seem like a healthy situation for me. But the thing is, I looked for him for 10yrs. I had so much hope built into this. Compound that with the fact that he’s met my son… and my son knows he’s my bf. My son has been through 2 major breakups with me (not including my divorce from his dad since he was just a baby). He’s seen enough. I don’t think he should have to go through it again.

Plus, if I look at it objectively… he has been good to me. Probably better than he’s treated other girls. I’m afraid ending things will ruin him and make him treat all future women like crap. I don’t want to hurt him. And I truly believe he loves me. But I’m so worried that I’m going to get hurt, that I’ve spent the better part of the last few months building a bigger wall rather than working on tearing down the one I had up originally.

I just need some unbiased advice. I don’t want to end things if the problem really IS ME. Because there will be no third chance. If I end it with him I’ll never see him again and I’m just not sure I can handle that.

Please help me… I’m so confused…

[canada's]

you know what you should do.

frankly, i do not think you are emotionally well enough to have a relationship with somone who obviously has issues. he may seem confident, but the fact that he can't treat with you with respect speaks volumes of his personal issues.

you have a son. you don't want to get in deeper with the loser you described, honestly. realize your self-worth and stop looking for happiness in a man.

[PurseAddict79]

^^ I'm not looking for a man to make me happy. I am perfectly capable of being single and happy. I won't lie and say I don't want the happily ever after thing... but I don't need it.

Thank you for your input

[eff]

It sounds like you are kind of trying to justify his behavior and putting a lot of blame on yourself, while trying to convince yourself to stay with him with irrelevant reasons(like him treating other girls badly in the future... you said he's cheated on everyone he's ever been with, so he hasn't exactly been a prince up until now). Sure, you may be insecure and have trust issues, that doesn't change the fact that he lied to you about going to a strip club and getting a lap dance, which would be potentially damaging in any relationship, especially when he's openly admitted he is a cheater. If he didn't have anything to hide, he wouldn't be lying to you.

About your son seeing you go through breakups, it would be a lot worse if your boyfriend became a permanent fixture and then a few years down the line when you have a life and home built around your relationship with him things go to crap because he can't keep it in his pants(like you said he apparently couldn't with every other girl he's ever been with, sorry to be blunt).

You should really have a talk with him and let him know you are feeling all these things and that you feel hurt by his disrespectful actions. It's better now than investing more and more time in the relationship if he really doesn't think he is doing anything wrong by lying to you and disrespecting you. He has pretty much lied to you from day one and it's going to take a lot of work for him to gain back that trust. If he's not even willing to see he is doing things to hurt you, then your relationship isn't going anywhere.

[sarasmith3269]

Heres the thing, its been 10 years. 10 years for you to build up in your mind what you thought things would be like, how you thought he might be, how things would be. And here it is, Its not how you pictured it. People change, especially over 10 years, and people needs change too. what used to satisfy you years ago, just might not do it anymore.

You shouldnt settle, just because he does the things normal guys do (heartfelt cards, calls during the day). Dont settle, show your son that you deserve more, and he does too.

[canada's]

Originally Posted by sarasmith3269

You shouldnt settle, just because he does the things normal guys do (heartfelt cards, calls during the day). Dont settle, show your son that you deserve more, and he does too.

agreed.

when these normal things are the defense for the laundry list of poor characteristics, you really have to evaluate what you want for yourself and your son.

[PurseAddict79]

eff, Thank you for your reply. I have had lots of discussions with me. His answer is always that he truly loves me, he would never cheat on me... and he says I don't know how to let someone love me... which is probably true to an extent.

But the fact that he's cheated on every girl he's ever been with has bothered me from the beginning. I am not so naive as to believe that I am the only girl he will ever be faithful to. Especially when we live two hours apart and don't see each other but a few times a month.

Previous discussions have gotten me nowhere. The strip club thing caused a HUGE fight. I was more upset about the activity than the lie itself. He says that's because I'm so insecure. Maybe he's right. But I have told him on multiple occassions that I don't think its right that he goes to strip clubs. I especially don't think its right if he gets a lap dance. The thought of it just turns my stomach.

[Hessefan]

You sound like a nice girl, but reading this sent up about ten red flags for me, immediately. Please don't be offended, but I will try to be straight with you.

First of all, he does sound like a bad boyfriend, like incredibly bad news in fact! Getting you a nice card once in a while and texting daily doesn't change the fact that he lied to you, repeatedly, and acts like a sleazebag. Just because he is honest about having cheated on every gf he had doesn't mean he is an honest guy, that is a pathetic cop-out used by guys who just can't commit, and no, you will not change him.

The fact that almost all his girlfriends were strippers or models is very strange and it is quite obvious that he isn't interested in their personality, so he isn't looking for the same thing as you.

If he won't stop frequenting strip clubs, despite knowing it bugs you, that is another red flag, especially since he lies about it.

Now about you. I am sorry about your eating disorder, I have had family members who had one and it is tough, and very dabgerous. You really need ot get help for it asap, because it will not go away on its own, and by the sounds of it this relationship and his behaviour are making it worse or triggering it, which means the relationship is not good for you.

"Plus, if I look at it objectively… he has been good to me. Probably better than he’s treated other girls. I’m afraid ending things will ruin him and make him treat all future women like crap. I don’t want to hurt him. And I truly believe he loves me. But I’m so worried that I’m going to get hurt, that I’ve spent the better part of the last few months building a bigger wall rather than working on tearing down the one I had up originally." Honestly, this is not your problem, the walls he has up are his problem and I doubt very much that a break-up would ruin him in any way, shape or form. Your responsibility are your health and your son, then way down the line a man, but not long after oyu have gotten better.


Lastly, your son needs you, and he needs you to set a good example for him. This means not being in a destructive relationship and tackling your eating disorder. Perhaps not exposing him to a man who seems to value women for their looks only would also help. I am sorry that he has witnessed a few bad break-ups, but maybe this is the opportunity to learn a lesson, adn not expose him to boyfriends for a long time, until you know it is the real deal and going to last.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it looks as if you are very unhappy and trying to get confirmation of your value from a man, one who is clearly not the right guy to play step-dad to your son nonetheless. But I can promise you that will not work. You must get healthy and focus on your son, and eventually a good guy will come along. It doesn't matter how many years you were looking for this guy or what he says. He is bad news.

[PurseAddict79]

sarasmith3269 and canada's,
Perhaps that's where my insecurities really come into play. Not just because they affect me in my r/s... but because they're stopping me from potentially ending this because I'm just not sure if its for the right reason(s).

I'm not sure that the problem is HIM. I can't help but think that if I were more secure and confident, none of this stuff would be an issue.

[merika]

I don't understand what you mean when you say you looked for him for ten years. Did you look for HIM or did you look for a man like him and then found this guy once again?

It's very hard to live with a guy who very obviously admires other women for their physical characteristics. I know all straight guys look at women, but most men of a certain age know how to do it unobtrusively and keep their eyes to themselves - at least when their women are around.

I know that you said at the beginning of your relationship you were "just dating" him but he was seeing someone else while telling you he wasn't. He was lying to you, but it's also physically unsafe - and that bothers me that he didn't care.

I know you have a son, and you don't want to put your son through this. I understand; I have a son myself and this is my second marriage. But if I were to have to decide between my son seeing me an emotional mess, battling with an ED because of what his stepdad does while staying in my marriage for my son to have a stepfather vs having my son seeing me healthy, happy and safe - I would leave my marriage in a heartbeat.

And if my husband treated me that way...I would not care about what will happen to him or whether he will treat future women like crap. That's between him and the future women and none of my business. I refuse to be treated disrespectfully both with regard to my emotions and my body.

I'm really sorry to say it, but your boyfriend does indeed sound like very bad news. I think it's best to take a good long look at your relationship for your son's sake, if not for yours.

[Hessefan]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

sarasmith3269 and canada's, Perhaps that's where my insecurities really come into play. Not just because they affect me in my r/s... but because they're stopping me from potentially ending this because I'm just not sure if its for the right reason(s). I'm not sure that the problem is HIM. I can't help but think that if I were more secure and confident, none of this stuff would be an issue.

No, no, no. I feel very secure about my relationship with my husband, but if he secretly went to strip clubs and got lap dances, and told me he cheated on all his exes, there would be big trouble in paradise. Almost any woman would have a problem with a bf who only ever dated strippers or models and always cheated and then lied.

[eff]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

sarasmith3269 and canada's, Perhaps that's where my insecurities really come into play. Not just because they affect me in my r/s... but because they're stopping me from potentially ending this because I'm just not sure if its for the right reason(s). I'm not sure that the problem is HIM. I can't help but think that if I were more secure and confident, none of this stuff would be an issue.

You being more secure and confident won't make him not a liar. You should try to be more secure and confident, for you and your son, probably with the help of a professional.

He's lying to you and blatantly disrespecting you and doesn't care about your feelings. He is being selfish and immature. To put this in perspective, he has put some random woman rubbing her boobs in his face before your feelings. You deserve better.

[PurseAddict79]

hessefan - Thank you for your input. Just for the record, I am in therapy for my ED. I am seeing a body image specialist and am in a group for it as well. So I am most definitely working on me.

My son didn't meet my bf until about 2 months ago. I didn't, like, introduce him right away because I wasn't sure. When they did meet, it was because I felt the timing was right and things were going somewhere truly promising.

All of this has just kind of clicked with me in the last 5wks or so. I had blinders on. I was so caught up in the "Us Again" kind of nostalgia that I refused to see... or rather refuse to acknowledge... red flags that have been there all along.

It feels so good getting all of this out. No one knows. Not my friends. Family. No one.

[merika]

Originally Posted by Hessefan

No, no, no. I feel very secure about my relationship with my husband, but if he secretly went to strip clubs and got lap dances, and told me he cheated on all his exes, there would be big trouble in paradise. Almost any woman would have a problem with a bf who only ever dated strippers or models and always cheated and then lied.

This is so true.

[sarasmith3269]

Originally Posted by Hessefan

No, no, no. I feel very secure about my relationship with my husband, but if he secretly went to strip clubs and got lap dances, and told me he cheated on all his exes, there would be big trouble in paradise. Almost any woman would have a problem with a bf who only ever dated strippers or models and always cheated and then lied.

I can take my bf going to strip clubs, whatever...but i would find it really strange if he were going and lying/hiding it from me.

Also, do you feel like you are getting some self-esteem/assurance from dating this guy? Ive dated people who had money/were semi-famous/or i knew had dated someone gorgeous, solely b/c it kinda pumped me full of self-esteem...like im good enough to date someone who (fill in the blank). Or is it working reversly, where his self-esteem is inhibiting your own?