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Hessefan · Oct 29th, 2009, 03:48 PM

Great big super hugs OP. I know this is all really upsetting right now, but you have made HUGE progress by acknowledging that this relationship isn't giving you the trust and stability you want. It may not be that he is a horrible man, just that at the moment you two want totally different things and that is okay.

In response to Bellafleur, I think we don't know whether he has made progress by dating OP, because I don't think we can just assume that his ex girlfriends are not "real" women because they were models and strippers. They may have been young, but they most likely were hurt by his actions too, and his behaviour doesn't sound like good boyfriend material at the moment at all. Lying to the OP and ignoring her wishes about strip clubs is shady and disrespectful, and to top it all off he blames it all on her insecurities.
It isn't really up to any of us to say whether they should be together or not, but it didn't sound like a good base for trust and longevity in a partnership.

Jeneen · Oct 29th, 2009, 03:54 PM

^ Lots of love to you - I'm really proud of you for sticking up for yourself and saying this was not all about you. Parts of him sounds like he really is a decent guy, but maybe just not what you need now and for the future. Try not to worry too much about his reaction. This is about your needs and emotions now.

bellafleur · Oct 29th, 2009, 03:55 PM

OP, what you said about the having children thing is really important, and I would feel the same way you do about it. It seems like he is just not ready to be at the same level of commitment you need, and your values and what's important to you in a relationship are not on the same level. I think you absolutely did the right thing, and you will be fine. You are already resolved, and even though it's going to be hard and emotional, you know you did the right thing for you. Keep telling yourself that, and surround yourself with good friends and family. And don't look for him for another 10 years!:) If the stars are meant to align again in the future, they will. In the meantime, follow your own path. Take care of yourself!:)

PurseAddict79 · Oct 29th, 2009, 04:11 PM

Thank you everyone for your support. I know he is a good person... and he does love me. I just don't think he's ready to love the way I want to be loved.

I don't know if he and I will be able to remain friends. From the beginning we both said if we didn't work out we'd be friends, but I dunno... I think it'd kill me to see him with someone else. IF we remain friends, it will be a ways off. Right now I just need to focus on myself and my son.

Is it weird that I keep checking my phone, hoping he's texted me or something? I guess in a way I'm hoping he says he will change and we will be ok... but deep down I know people don't change unless they recognize the need for change, and I truly don't believe he thinks theres anything wrong with him or his actions.

Jeneen · Oct 29th, 2009, 05:01 PM

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

Thank you everyone for your support. I know he is a good person... and he does love me. I just don't think he's ready to love the way I want to be loved.

I don't know if he and I will be able to remain friends. From the beginning we both said if we didn't work out we'd be friends, but I dunno... NCR in effect for the time being possibly? I think it'd kill me to see him with someone else. IF we remain friends, it will be a ways off. Right now I just need to focus on myself and my son.

Is it weird that I keep checking my phone, hoping he's texted me or something? I guess in a way I'm hoping he says he will change and we will be ok... but deep down I know people don't change unless they recognize the need for change, and I truly don't believe he thinks theres anything wrong with him or his actions.

If there is mutual respect, you can be friends, but down the line, take time for the NCR when the break up is final and you can re-evaluate at a later date... you also mentioned changing locks

- not b/c I think he's psycho, but b/c space would be good - plus staying at your friend's house sounds good too... beware he may freak and think you are with another guy, but too bad for that, do what is best for you and your little one.

talexs · Oct 29th, 2009, 05:23 PM

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

Thank you everyone for your support. I know he is a good person... and he does love me. I just don't think he's ready to love the way I want to be loved.

I don't know if he and I will be able to remain friends. From the beginning we both said if we didn't work out we'd be friends, but I dunno... I think it'd kill me to see him with someone else. IF we remain friends, it will be a ways off. Right now I just need to focus on myself and my son.

Is it weird that I keep checking my phone, hoping he's texted me or something? I guess in a way I'm hoping he says he will change and we will be ok... but deep down I know people don't change unless they recognize the need for change, and I truly don't believe he thinks theres anything wrong with him or his actions.

I don't think there is anything weird about it, I think I would be doing the same thing. What you did was hard and you should be proud of yourself. Take care, I am thinking of you and hoping you're doing ok.

chinahopes · Oct 29th, 2009, 07:21 PM

2 things:

1. I believe once a cheater, always a cheater. It is either in your character to be able to do that or it is not.

2. If things he says and does triggers your eating disorder, I don't even understand why you'd be with him.

I think you have to be single and work on all of your issues before you can be in a relationship and truly feel secure and happy.

PurseAddict79 · Oct 29th, 2009, 08:00 PM

Doing a little better but still upset. I haven't heard from him, and while I'm sure that's probably for the best it still hurts.

It probably sounds silly, but I guess I thought he'd fight for me because he said he loves me. I'm not gonna lie; I've texted him a few times. He hasn't replied of course. Heck I've thought about calling him but I know I can't.

I'm just going to spend the weekend with friends and hope it gets easier as time passes.

Vendrazi · Oct 29th, 2009, 08:06 PM

It will get easier. It WILL.

Put the phone away. If you stay with friends, give the phone to one of them and say, "Only give it to me if it's from one of these numbers." (We managed to live quite well without being tethered to a phone until only about 10 years ago. You can do it.)

Be strong. You've said what you have to say. If he needs to communicate with you, he will in the proper time. This is not the proper time. Now is the time for you to go be with supportive, caring people.

aklein · Oct 29th, 2009, 09:13 PM

PurseAddict -- I don't have anything to add to what the other wonderful ladies have said. I think they have given you fantastic advice.
I do think changing the locks is a great idea. Do it sooner, rather than later.
I like the NCR. And I like the suggestion of surrendering your phone even more.
I'm sure that things will be tough for a while, but I truly believe that you made the best decision for you right now.

dallas · Oct 29th, 2009, 09:25 PM

Why are you texting him?

PurseAddict79 · Oct 29th, 2009, 10:16 PM

I texted because he's on my car ins policy and its due tomorrow. And I asked if he wants me to mail his stuff. My friends are takin my phone away for the weekend. I'm not strong enough to implement the ncr on my own.

talexs · Oct 29th, 2009, 10:20 PM

the ncr is hard, but for me it is always better after a few days. This will take some time but you'll come out of it better than ever.

juneping · Oct 29th, 2009, 10:22 PM

i am glad you are spending the weekend with friends.

ilovepinkhearts · Oct 29th, 2009, 10:34 PM

i just found this and im reading through this...be strong! i will post more after i read the other pgs

Oct 29th, 2009, 03:48 PM	#61
Hessefan Member Joined: Sep 2009 Location: UK Posts: 145	Great big super hugs OP. I know this is all really upsetting right now, but you have made HUGE progress by acknowledging that this relationship isn't giving you the trust and stability you want. It may not be that he is a horrible man, just that at the moment you two want totally different things and that is okay. In response to Bellafleur, I think we don't know whether he has made progress by dating OP, because I don't think we can just assume that his ex girlfriends are not "real" women because they were models and strippers. They may have been young, but they most likely were hurt by his actions too, and his behaviour doesn't sound like good boyfriend material at the moment at all. Lying to the OP and ignoring her wishes about strip clubs is shady and disrespectful, and to top it all off he blames it all on her insecurities. It isn't really up to any of us to say whether they should be together or not, but it didn't sound like a good base for trust and longevity in a partnership.
	__________________ My Wishlist: Botkier Nomad Botkier Bryant Foley & Corinna Bender Kooba Paige Raisin Kooba Dale Kooba Jacinda Miu Miu any Anya Hindmarch Cooper Mulberry Quilted Shimmy Tote Nude Chloe Edith Modalu Wilton Zadig & Voltaire Touly Christal Taupe

Oct 29th, 2009, 03:54 PM	#62
Jeneen Member Joined: Feb 2009 Location: up in the gym workin on my fitness Posts: 2,761	^ Lots of love to you - I'm really proud of you for sticking up for yourself and saying this was not all about you. Parts of him sounds like he really is a decent guy, but maybe just not what you need now and for the future. Try not to worry too much about his reaction. This is about your needs and emotions now.
	__________________ *Jeneen* Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you. - dbf's fortune cookie

Oct 29th, 2009, 03:55 PM	#63
bellafleur Member Joined: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,626	OP, what you said about the having children thing is really important, and I would feel the same way you do about it. It seems like he is just not ready to be at the same level of commitment you need, and your values and what's important to you in a relationship are not on the same level. I think you absolutely did the right thing, and you will be fine. You are already resolved, and even though it's going to be hard and emotional, you know you did the right thing for you. Keep telling yourself that, and surround yourself with good friends and family. And don't look for him for another 10 years!:) If the stars are meant to align again in the future, they will. In the meantime, follow your own path. Take care of yourself!:)
bellafleur Member Joined: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,626	__________________

Oct 29th, 2009, 08:06 PM	#69
Vendrazi Member Joined: Oct 2008 Location: California Posts: 276	It will get easier. It WILL. Put the phone away. If you stay with friends, give the phone to one of them and say, "Only give it to me if it's from one of these numbers." (We managed to live quite well without being tethered to a phone until only about 10 years ago. You can do it.) Be strong. You've said what you have to say. If he needs to communicate with you, he will in the proper time. This is not the proper time. Now is the time for you to go be with supportive, caring people.
	__________________ For someone who had no fancy shoes as of Jan. 1, 2009, I SURE have made up for lost time...

Oct 29th, 2009, 09:25 PM	#71
dallas Yeah ano Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,272	Why are you texting him?
dallas Yeah ano Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,272	__________________ Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

Oct 29th, 2009, 04:11 PM	#64
PurseAddict79 OP PerpetuallyPenniless Joined: Sep 2008 Location: The Mall Posts: 1,236	Thank you everyone for your support. I know he is a good person... and he does love me. I just don't think he's ready to love the way I want to be loved. I don't know if he and I will be able to remain friends. From the beginning we both said if we didn't work out we'd be friends, but I dunno... I think it'd kill me to see him with someone else. IF we remain friends, it will be a ways off. Right now I just need to focus on myself and my son. Is it weird that I keep checking my phone, hoping he's texted me or something? I guess in a way I'm hoping he says he will change and we will be ok... but deep down I know people don't change unless they recognize the need for change, and I truly don't believe he thinks theres anything wrong with him or his actions.

Oct 29th, 2009, 07:21 PM	#67
chinahopes Luckiest. Joined: Oct 2008 Location: the Beach, SC Posts: 1,001	2 things: 1. I believe once a cheater, always a cheater. It is either in your character to be able to do that or it is not. 2. If things he says and does triggers your eating disorder, I don't even understand why you'd be with him. I think you have to be single and work on all of your issues before you can be in a relationship and truly feel secure and happy.

Oct 29th, 2009, 08:00 PM	#68
PurseAddict79 OP PerpetuallyPenniless Joined: Sep 2008 Location: The Mall Posts: 1,236	Doing a little better but still upset. I haven't heard from him, and while I'm sure that's probably for the best it still hurts. It probably sounds silly, but I guess I thought he'd fight for me because he said he loves me. I'm not gonna lie; I've texted him a few times. He hasn't replied of course. Heck I've thought about calling him but I know I can't. I'm just going to spend the weekend with friends and hope it gets easier as time passes.

Oct 29th, 2009, 09:13 PM	#70
aklein Member Joined: Dec 2007 Location: New Orleans Posts: 3,478	PurseAddict -- I don't have anything to add to what the other wonderful ladies have said. I think they have given you fantastic advice. I do think changing the locks is a great idea. Do it sooner, rather than later. I like the NCR. And I like the suggestion of surrendering your phone even more. I'm sure that things will be tough for a while, but I truly believe that you made the best decision for you right now.

Oct 29th, 2009, 10:16 PM	#72
PurseAddict79 OP PerpetuallyPenniless Joined: Sep 2008 Location: The Mall Posts: 1,236	I texted because he's on my car ins policy and its due tomorrow. And I asked if he wants me to mail his stuff. My friends are takin my phone away for the weekend. I'm not strong enough to implement the ncr on my own.

Oct 29th, 2009, 10:20 PM	#73
talexs I Love It!!!!! Joined: Jun 2008 Location: always in the office :( Posts: 1,499	the ncr is hard, but for me it is always better after a few days. This will take some time but you'll come out of it better than ever.

Oct 29th, 2009, 10:22 PM	#74
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,355	i am glad you are spending the weekend with friends.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Oct 29th, 2009, 10:34 PM	#75
ilovepinkhearts team edward. always. Joined: Dec 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 4,403	i just found this and im reading through this...be strong! i will post more after i read the other pgs
	__________________ Please educate yourself about pancreatic cancer, and then share that knowledge with a loved one. http://www.pancan.org i will lose the weight...1 lb at a time!! i CAN do it! i'm not sure how many lbs to go - skinny jeans here i come!! Last edited by ilovepinkhearts; Oct 29th, 2009 at 11:03 PM.

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