I need r/s help... (Long, SIA)

[GirlFriday]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

Good morning all. Thank you so much for your input and reassurances. I was so embarrassed to post all of this because I truly thought the problem was/is me. I guess it really is obvious that he feeds my insecurities with his continuous unacceptable behavior. I do not expect to fix him. I can't. I've learned a lot about myself through counseling... especially the fact that I am co-dependent. Originally I didn't see the signs about how I was being co-dependent with him. I didn't see them until I took my blinders off. Now I realize once again, I've made myself Captain Save a Ho. He texted yesterday afternoon saying he was going out with his friend that night. I politely asked where, and he said to a sports bar or something to watch the game (funny, because he doesn't like sports). We texted back and forth a bit into the evening and he stopped replying to my texts around 7pm. No biggie. I know he was out. BUT we have a "rule" of sorts. When either one of us goes out for the evening, we text each other when we get home to let each other know we're safe. He texted me at 7pm, said he loved me and would text when he got home. He didn't text. I know it may seem trivial, but I think that was kind of "it" for me. I didn't get much sleep last night. I woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach that won't go away. He's suppose to come over today... I even arranged to leave work early to spend extra time with him. Instead, I'm going to call him at lunch and end things. I think its better than doing it in person. I don't think I'd have the strength to do it in person. This just isn't the relationship I want, long term. I want to settle down. Have a stable, happy life with someone. Eventually, I'd like to come home to someone, sleep next to someone. The distance thing and the fact that he's not willing to move makes that impossible. Add to that the fact that I'm always wondering... whether its because of my insecurities or his actions... I'm always wondering what he's really doing. Like last night. Did he not text because he went home drunk and passed out, or because he wasn't alone? And it won't matter what he says, because its not going to change anything. I just can't do this anymore. I grew up over the years... and he didn't.

I think you've made the right choice and I hope everything goes smoothly. Let us know how it goes.

[bagaholic85]

good luck with everything op! let us know how it all turns out

[Jeneen]

I hope it goes well - I think you are doing the best thing for you by doing it over the phone - it's going to be hard but we are here for you!

I like what juneping said about inter-dependence - no person is an island.

I was also thinking (and I don't want to project my own stuff onto you) I mentioned earlier about insecurities and cheating and wondering about current bf b/c of ex-bf:
--- I don't think you feel this way because of your own insecurities - he's out at strip clubs frequently, lying (even white lying) frequently, out drinking on weeknights frequently while doing things he doesn't even like, such as "watching sports", and not calling you back/texting you back frequently.... this is not your own insecurities.

When I KNEW my current bf was working late - VERY plausible for him and he would ALWAYS call me... if I felt insecure, I realized that was because of my OWN insecurities; he wasn't doing anything hurtful or wrong, he was working late to get promoted so he could make more money for US in the future, so I had to get that in check, as it was hurting me and weakening the trust in our relationship over nothing at all.

[spoiled_brat]

Good luck!

Stay strong

[PurseAddict79]

I'm already losing strength. My stomach is in knots. I'm second guessing my "decision" and I'm seriously still stuck in the mindset that this is all my fault because of how I'm interpreting and handling things.

There's a part of me that really honestly believes he loves me. He just doesn't love me the way I need to be loved. Or the way I think I need to be loved. Or something like that.

I just keep thinking about how this is going to blindside him. I texted him yesterday afternoon...

Me: I'm really worried about us
J: What is it? I'm ok with us
Me: Not seein each other enough. Living so far apart and neither one of us bein able to move. Feelin like I'm not good enough for you.
J: We are busy people. Thats all. I still want us. And you are worth the looong drives. Love u. Xo

Ugh. "I still want us". That's all I keep hearing in my head. He still wants us, and I'm going to basically yank the rug out from under him.

I've been open about my insecurities with him. I've told him on multiple occassions that I didn't like the idea of him going to a strip club, several times prior to the most recent incident (and I have no idea how many other incidents there were) so its not like he doesn't know about any of this. He knows and he's made the decisions that best suit him... surely doesn't feel like he's taken my feelings into consideration too much.

See? Its like there's two people inside of me... the insecure me that thinks this is all my fault and if I fix me he and I will be ok........ and the rational me that recognizes that despite my insecurities this is an unhealthy relationship.

[juneping]

I think the problem is you tell him you are not good enough for him, the fact the you believe it.
From what I have read about you, it's further from the truth. You are too good for him!! And pls dig deeper why u think you are not good enough? Not being a size 0 is not a reason. (((hugs)))

[Litigatrix]

I hope you did end it with him. Based on everything you've said, it sounds like he targets young and/or insecure women because he knows he can manipulate them into letting him get away with ridiculous behavior. He sounds like a loser who, as you said, never grew up. He also obviously has no desire to do so any time in the foreseeable future.

[nooch]

Oh, PA :(

You need to end it. Whenever you feel the insecure part of you saying not to, tell it NO, I WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU. If you feel yourself waffling, just read your posts and pretend another TPFer wrote them or that your mom or sister or best friend wrote the posts. What would you say to someone else in that situation? How would you feel if your son grew up exactly like him?

It is an unhealthy relationship. Please do the best thing for yourself!

[PurseAddict79]

I know I need to end it.. if nothing else, than to give myself the opportunity to focus on myself instead of him.

*sigh* I called him a little while ago and the call went straight to voicemail. Could his phone have died last night and that's why he didn't text? Sure. Or he went home with someone else and turned his phone off. How could I ever truly know, given his track record.

I'm ashamed to admit this, but I sent him a very passive agressive text... "Hope you had fun last night doing whatever it is you did. Enjoy your day off. Don't worry about comin out here. Do your thing"

Naturally I haven't heard back. At this point, I'm not sure if I should call him around noon to have the talk, or just leave it like this and see if he even attempts to contact me in response.

He has a key to my house and I truly believe he'd end up coming out here to talk face to face even if I tell him not to. So I've arranged to spend the night at a friends house. Actually, the whole weekend. And sometime this weekend I suppose I should change my locks.

I just wanna crawl in a hole and not come out for a while. Or shop. Shop shop shop. Unfortunately neither one is an option.

[Jeneen]

[SPOILEDkiwi]

You're doing the right thing by breaking up with him, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. It doesn't matter if he still wants you guys to be together, when it comes at the expense of your feelings and self esteem. I looked at your hair thread and you are quite the hottie! There's no reason that a guy should be making you feel ugly and insecure.
Your boyfriend obviously does not appreciate what he has. Good luck with "the talk"

[bellafleur]

I know I'm going to get yelled at for saying this... but I just want to state the devil's advocate point of view. Because part of me disagrees with the consensus here, though by no means am I saying that I'm right... just food for thought, really.

First of all, OP, you have no reason to be insecure, because you are a beautiful, intelligent woman who seems to be very insightful and self-aware from the posts I've read thus far. You know exactly what's going on in your head, and you know the areas of your own life that need work, and you are working on them. You will not be completely healed overnight, it will be a long process, and you're doing what you need to do to heal. So good for you!:)

The fact that you are so self-aware makes me feel like it's ok for you to be in a relationship, as long as your bf knows and understands what's going on with you, and that you will have self esteem issues that come up, and he will have to help you deal with them. Does he know all of this, or are you trying to hide it from him? If he knows that you have an eating disorder and body image issues, then he should respect you enough to stay away from the strip clubs and models and try to avert his eyes in public. But if he doesn't know about your issues, then to me it sounds like he's just being a guy. He might not understand why or even realize that you have a problem with strip clubs. But if he does know your background, then I agree that he's being insensitive. Lying about his strip club habit is not ok. But have you ever thought that maybe he feels like you are trying to controlling him by telling him not to go? The same way that you feel when he asks you not to go golfing with your co-corkers? I would not be concerned about him going to a strip club with his friends every few months, but I would be concerned if he was going by himself, or going every week, or something more extreme. That's just me.

The things you have mentioned about how your bf is attentive and sweet sound like he truly does care about you. If it's true that he treats you better than anyone he has ever dated, maybe he does realize what he has, and he's learning and evolving. If I were you (and I'm not:), I wouldn't fully resolve to dump him yet. I would sit down with him and have an honest and frank conversation about what both of you bring to the table, and the areas where you don't mesh. If he can get a full understanding about where you are coming from, maybe his behaviors will improve if he truly wants you in his life. If nothing changes, then he's gone. But I would give him a chance to be trusted. I know you said he has cheated before, and that's not to be taken lightly. Can a cheater ever be faithful and be in a happy relationship? I don't know. But if he has only dated models and strippers in the past, and now he is dating a real girl with depth and beauty and brains, and he is happy, and he treats you better than anyone else, that sounds like progress to me. He hasn't given you concrete evidence that he can't be trusted, you just have lots of suspicions that haven't been verified and are based on past actions. I feel slightly bad for him, because he was honest with you about his past... is he never allowed a chance to have a real relationship with anyone? Will the superficial relationships of his past haunt him forever? You don't have to be the one to reform him or fix him if you don't want. I'm just throwing it out there that maybe this guy isn't as bad as he sounds. Maybe I'm wrong. Discuss:)

[PurseAddict79]

Well, we finally talked. He texted saying he had just woken up and was hungover. I told him I'd call him at noon. And I did.

I told him that I've been thinking about this for a while, and that I just don't think its working out. I basically listed off everything I wrote in my OP here. I told him I didn't think he was fair to me... to ask me not to golf with men, but then he can go to strip clubs. He started to blame my insecurities again and I told him that while I acknowledge they play a part in this, the truth is that even the most secure woman would be insecure in this relationship.

I told him that given his track record with cheating, dating emotionally f-ed up women, etc, I believe he has a serious fear of true commitment. I told him he, too, has issues he needs to work on... and he agreed.

I told him we want different things. I am ready to settle down. I want a stable relationshp. I'm so over the club and bar scene, and he's still in it full speed. He agreed. And he said he isn't ready to settle down right this second. I clarified that while I don't expect it overnight, I do expect him to take steps towards some type of deeper commitment and I do not believe he has.

I cried... and I could hear in his voice that he was too. But I told him the bottom line is I felt that this relationship is unhealthy for me, and while he may be a good man, I just don't think he's a good fit for me. I need more.

He asked if he could call me tomorrow night and I said yes. He didn't try to talk me out of it or anything, which on one hand made it easier, but on the other hand makes me wonder if he was just shocked, or if he doesn't view me as someone worth fighting for.

I guess it doesn't matter.

[bellafleur]

^Well, you answered a lot the questions I posed in my long post above, and it sounds like you did the right thing based on his responses. I'm curious to see what he will do next. If he agrees with you or does nothing, then that's it. If he does start fighting for you, then that will give you more insight into his personality and you'll have to decide what you want...

[PurseAddict79]

bellafleur - Thank you for presenting the other side.

He is and always has been fully aware of my eating disorder. He would tell me he loves me how I am, and he doesn't want me to be thin, but then he never checks out curvy women with "real" bodies.

I never said he 'couldn't' go to strip clubs. I asked that he not go. At one point I even said I understood if its guys night and they all wanna go, because he can't be all p*$$y whipped and say oh i can't because my gf will get mad. But I did specifically ask him not to get a lap dance because THAT, I feel, is entirely inappropriate. He said 'then whats the point in going?'. And I'm no prude. I even asked if he'd take me to one... we could go together... he could pick a girl to give me a lap dance. He absolutely rejected the idea.

I truly believe he cares about me. I obviously care about him very much. I just don't think its a healthy relationship. I don't think he wants the same things I want in the future.

Additionally... and this is probably more my issue than his... but he has no children. He never found the right person to marry and have a child with. I can't have anymore children, which I told him from the get go. He was always talking about getting a surrogate or whatever... and I was never opposed to the idea. But on our vacation, one night after we'd both had a little too much to drink, he told me that not ever being able to have a child with me killed him... and that every time he looked at my son he wanted to cry because he's not the father. That played a big part in this. If he truly wants children (and honestly, I do... did... but because of medical reasons Ican't)... if he truly wants children, he should be with someone he can have children with.

I made the mistake of doing this on my lunch hour. I'm going to call it a day soon.

ETA: Just read your other post. I agree. I am kind of curious how he's going to react. If he fights for me then maybe we can make this work. But honestly, I don't even think I'll hear from him tomorrow. I truly believe he's going to go screw everything with two tits and a heartbeat in the near future. I don't know that he knows how to deal with his emotions in any other way.