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juneping · Oct 28th, 2009, 07:17 PM

OP,

i think Jeneen brought up a lot of issues that i was thinking as well. this really sucks.
look at it this way, rather it's respectful or not to look at Ms. 18 yr-old Skinny, the fact that he still looks after you told him it bothers you while you only be with each other once a week or couple of times a month. this sounds very insensitive and lack of self control to me.
another thing about what type of women he used to date...that would bother me a lot as well.
don't worry about messing him up in the future...if he's gonna be that messed up...he would have stopped all behaviors that bother you.

PurseAddict79 · Oct 28th, 2009, 07:25 PM

Hessefan - Thank you for putting that "spin" on it. I never really looked at it that way. I am not sure I can totally blame him for my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity... those feelings were there before his "issues" emerged. But he certainly doesn't help matters. IMO, instead of him refusing to stop going to strip clubs because its "who he is", he should respect me enough to understand that by going he's feeding my insecurities and that alone should make him not want to go.

He told me he doesn't like tattoos and would 'prefer' I don't get anymore. I have 5. None are distasteful, and they aren't of names or anything... they aren't even really visible. But he prefers that I don't get anymore. And I haven't. I haven't even finished one that I "started" before we started dating again (its just b&w now, I wanted to add color). I did it out of respect.

I work in construction... obviously its a male dominated industry. My male coworkers know I have a bf and respect that. They've invited me to go golfing. He's asked, out of respect to him, that I don't go. So I haven't. But he can go to strip clubs. It never dawned on me how hypocritical that is.
~~~~~~~~
juneping - Thank you for your input. Its reassuring to know that other, more secure women would take issue with his past as well. I wish I would have posted here sooner... because all of this time I thought the problem was just within me.

dallas · Oct 28th, 2009, 07:57 PM

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

I work in construction... obviously its a male dominated industry. My male coworkers know I have a bf and respect that. They've invited me to go golfing. He's asked, out of respect to him, that I don't go. So I haven't. But he can go to strip clubs. It never dawned on me how hypocritical that is.
~~~~~~~~

What the heck is he talking about? Respect to him? Having a game of golf is disrespectful? Do they play in the nude? Sounds like controlling nonsense to me.

Purse, you say you are lost and hurting and hon, that's not how this is meant to be. You shouldn't have to wonder if he's cheating on you, it shouldn't even cross your mind and yet there it is, haunting you. Do you really want to do this?
Please, don't make your life about him, make it about you and your son. Tell him to p!ss off ... then go get your golf clubs out.

canada's · Oct 28th, 2009, 08:02 PM

purseaddict79, ask yourself if someone who associates strip clubs with "who he is" is really the type you want to settle down with in life? i am guessing no.

also, please stop blaming your insecurity issues. most women would NOT be OK with his behavior. none of it is your fault or stems from your relationship with him, it's clear he has issues outside of this relationship.

i am glad you are seeing someone for your ED. doing that, you should know that dealing with that on a day-to-day basis and recovering is best done with someone who is 150% supportive, not someone who makes fun of your age, openly comments on other womens' bodies, etc. honestly, that type of behavior isn't healthy for anyone, but especially cruel for someone dealing with image issues.

gina2328 · Oct 28th, 2009, 08:08 PM

I am married and my husband plays golf occasionally with a female client. To me that is no big deal. I have met her, etc. He asked you not to play golf with male coworkers? That is way too controlling. What is your BF worried about might happen during golf? How ironic.

juneping · Oct 28th, 2009, 08:25 PM

he sounds manipulative/controlling..well something along that line....

ZippyWho · Oct 28th, 2009, 11:03 PM

Wow, he asked you not to golf with male coworkers (something that he doesn't like) and yet won't respect what u don't like, him going to strip clubs. And he can pulled out all kinds of excuses... sounds manipulative.

Cheetah7 · Oct 28th, 2009, 11:39 PM

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

I'm not sure that the problem is HIM. I can't help but think that if I were more secure and confident, none of this stuff would be an issue.

Most women would have an issue with this situation as well. I consider myself a secure person but if my husband were to act and do what your bf does, there would definitely be problems. My point is, it's not just you. Your bf is contributing in a huge way in how you feel. It seems to me he's trying to play reverse psychology by pointing out the fact that you're insecure just so he can justify what he does while refusing to see the role he plays in it. I don't blame you for not trusting him 100% because you have a good reason not to.

You just have to ask yourself if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in for the long haul because ultimately it's up to you. To me, it sounds exhausting wondering if he's cheating or going to in the future. I don't understand why he would continue to do things that he knows bothers you if he supposedly loves you. I'm sorry you're going through this but I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

talexs · Oct 29th, 2009, 12:25 AM

Sounds to me that all of the other posters have raised very good points and I don't want to merely repeat thier great ideas, but I was thinking that everything you said in your post sounds like things that you don't see as being "fixed" any time in the near future, or maybe even ever. You have got to do what's best for you and I think you are well on your way to doing that by acknowledging that you aren't as happy as you deserve to be. It seems to me that he expects more from you in the relationship than he does from himself and it pains me to think that he does this knowing that you have insecurities. I have seen pix of you in the health and fitness thread (and the beauty bar) and you really are beautiful and always offer such great advice to other posters. It seems to me that you know what you have to do, and maybe you just need time to gather the courage to do it. We are all here rooting for you.

I know this all sounds like cliches, but you are beautiful and you deserve someone who makes you so, so happy.

Bella · Oct 29th, 2009, 12:58 AM

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

I'm not sure that the problem is HIM. I can't help but think that if I were more secure and confident, none of this stuff would be an issue.

This really struck me PurseAddict79. However, I think I have a different take.. how bout if you were more secure and confident, none of this stuff would be an issue because you would not accept it.

I looked at your thread in your sig, you are a beautiful woman, your eyes, beautiful. As this thread has grown and the more you have explained about your relationship, the more I agree with the majority here. You deserve to have a man in your life who you trust, who's actions make you feel secure. I know what it feels like to want more than anything for it to work.. but are the compromises you are making worth it?

GirlFriday · Oct 29th, 2009, 02:13 AM

PurseAddict, your boyfriend sounds exactly like my best friend's ex-boyfriend...addicted to strip clubs, models, obviously staring at women, and even admitting that he cheated on every girlfriend he ever had. It's a huge red flag when a man says he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had. It's one thing if he's turned a new leaf and is actively trying to changing his prior behavior, but the lying and going to strip clubs to get lap dances is proof that he hasn't really changed. All those little (or big) lies you've caught him in means there's a LOT more going on behind your back than you realize. I think your instincts are telling you this, but your insecurities are making you unsure. Trust me, ANY woman would be bothered by what this guy is doing. I'm sorry you're going through this. Other posters have brought up excellent points also. And don't worry about him being ruined for future women. Take care of yourself, because how he treat future women is his choice, it has nothing to do with you.

PurseAddict79 · Oct 29th, 2009, 11:12 AM

Good morning all. Thank you so much for your input and reassurances. I was so embarrassed to post all of this because I truly thought the problem was/is me. I guess it really is obvious that he feeds my insecurities with his continuous unacceptable behavior. I do not expect to fix him. I can't. I've learned a lot about myself through counseling... especially the fact that I am co-dependent. Originally I didn't see the signs about how I was being co-dependent with him. I didn't see them until I took my blinders off. Now I realize once again, I've made myself Captain Save a Ho.

He texted yesterday afternoon saying he was going out with his friend that night. I politely asked where, and he said to a sports bar or something to watch the game (funny, because he doesn't like sports). We texted back and forth a bit into the evening and he stopped replying to my texts around 7pm. No biggie. I know he was out. BUT we have a "rule" of sorts. When either one of us goes out for the evening, we text each other when we get home to let each other know we're safe. He texted me at 7pm, said he loved me and would text when he got home. He didn't text. I know it may seem trivial, but I think that was kind of "it" for me.

I didn't get much sleep last night. I woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach that won't go away. He's suppose to come over today... I even arranged to leave work early to spend extra time with him. Instead, I'm going to call him at lunch and end things. I think its better than doing it in person. I don't think I'd have the strength to do it in person.

This just isn't the relationship I want, long term. I want to settle down. Have a stable, happy life with someone. Eventually, I'd like to come home to someone, sleep next to someone. The distance thing and the fact that he's not willing to move makes that impossible.

Add to that the fact that I'm always wondering... whether its because of my insecurities or his actions... I'm always wondering what he's really doing. Like last night. Did he not text because he went home drunk and passed out, or because he wasn't alone? And it won't matter what he says, because its not going to change anything.

I just can't do this anymore.

I grew up over the years... and he didn't.

juneping · Oct 29th, 2009, 11:22 AM

^^

GL!!

about the co-dependent thing...well, i think everyone is like that to a certain degree. it's a subject i talked to my counselor and my bf. but the issue is how will it affect our decision when the situation is less than tolerable and ppl still sticks around.
i don't believe we are made to live in an island and be self sufficient. we need human contacts, friends and family (lovers included). i think you are a strong woman and you will find someone who appreciate you inside and out.

Hessefan · Oct 29th, 2009, 11:28 AM

Good luck sweetie! Don't let anyone convince you that it is all your insecurity and unreasonable expectations, because it isn't.

You sound like an amazing woman and if you are not happy do what it takes to make you happy. We are all rooting for you and the right man will come along eventually when you least expect it.

kbela1 · Oct 29th, 2009, 11:30 AM

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

He's 3yrs older than me and has never dated anyone his age. All his past gf's were much younger than him. His last gf was 10yrs younger than him. He makes fun of me for my age all the time.

I think this is a big indicator of his maturity level. I knew someone who consistently dated young girls; I think it made him feel more needed/wanted/secure.

In my opinion, from what you wrote, you could do so much better. You sound like a wonderful woman, you are beautiful (I saw your hair thread) and I'm sure you're a great Mom. You CAN find someone who satisfies your needs and treats you the way you deserve.

Oct 28th, 2009, 07:17 PM	#31
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,352	OP, i think Jeneen brought up a lot of issues that i was thinking as well. this really sucks. look at it this way, rather it's respectful or not to look at Ms. 18 yr-old Skinny, the fact that he still looks after you told him it bothers you while you only be with each other once a week or couple of times a month. this sounds very insensitive and lack of self control to me. another thing about what type of women he used to date...that would bother me a lot as well. don't worry about messing him up in the future...if he's gonna be that messed up...he would have stopped all behaviors that bother you.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Oct 28th, 2009, 08:02 PM	#34
canada's Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,801	purseaddict79, ask yourself if someone who associates strip clubs with "who he is" is really the type you want to settle down with in life? i am guessing no. also, please stop blaming your insecurity issues. most women would NOT be OK with his behavior. none of it is your fault or stems from your relationship with him, it's clear he has issues outside of this relationship. i am glad you are seeing someone for your ED. doing that, you should know that dealing with that on a day-to-day basis and recovering is best done with someone who is 150% supportive, not someone who makes fun of your age, openly comments on other womens' bodies, etc. honestly, that type of behavior isn't healthy for anyone, but especially cruel for someone dealing with image issues.
canada's Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,801	__________________ Fashion News, Trends and Sales Shopping Examiner Fashion on Television Style-Television.com Follow me on Twitter! http://twitter.com/StyleTelevision Wishing it were platform gladiator weather...

Oct 28th, 2009, 08:08 PM	#35
gina2328 Member Joined: Jul 2007 Location: Michigan Posts: 625	I am married and my husband plays golf occasionally with a female client. To me that is no big deal. I have met her, etc. He asked you not to play golf with male coworkers? That is way too controlling. What is your BF worried about might happen during golf? How ironic.
	__________________ Dress shabbily and they remember the dress; dress impeccably and they remember the woman -- Coco Chanel

Oct 28th, 2009, 08:25 PM	#36
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,352	he sounds manipulative/controlling..well something along that line....
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Oct 28th, 2009, 11:03 PM	#37
ZippyWho Member Joined: Apr 2009 Posts: 337	Wow, he asked you not to golf with male coworkers (something that he doesn't like) and yet won't respect what u don't like, him going to strip clubs. And he can pulled out all kinds of excuses... sounds manipulative.
ZippyWho Member Joined: Apr 2009 Posts: 337

Oct 28th, 2009, 07:25 PM	#32
PurseAddict79 OP PerpetuallyPenniless Joined: Sep 2008 Location: The Mall Posts: 1,233	Hessefan - Thank you for putting that "spin" on it. I never really looked at it that way. I am not sure I can totally blame him for my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity... those feelings were there before his "issues" emerged. But he certainly doesn't help matters. IMO, instead of him refusing to stop going to strip clubs because its "who he is", he should respect me enough to understand that by going he's feeding my insecurities and that alone should make him not want to go. He told me he doesn't like tattoos and would 'prefer' I don't get anymore. I have 5. None are distasteful, and they aren't of names or anything... they aren't even really visible. But he prefers that I don't get anymore. And I haven't. I haven't even finished one that I "started" before we started dating again (its just b&w now, I wanted to add color). I did it out of respect. I work in construction... obviously its a male dominated industry. My male coworkers know I have a bf and respect that. They've invited me to go golfing. He's asked, out of respect to him, that I don't go. So I haven't. But he can go to strip clubs. It never dawned on me how hypocritical that is. ~~~~~~~~ juneping - Thank you for your input. Its reassuring to know that other, more secure women would take issue with his past as well. I wish I would have posted here sooner... because all of this time I thought the problem was just within me.

Oct 29th, 2009, 12:25 AM	#39
talexs I Love It!!!!! Joined: Jun 2008 Location: always in the office :( Posts: 1,499	Sounds to me that all of the other posters have raised very good points and I don't want to merely repeat thier great ideas, but I was thinking that everything you said in your post sounds like things that you don't see as being "fixed" any time in the near future, or maybe even ever. You have got to do what's best for you and I think you are well on your way to doing that by acknowledging that you aren't as happy as you deserve to be. It seems to me that he expects more from you in the relationship than he does from himself and it pains me to think that he does this knowing that you have insecurities. I have seen pix of you in the health and fitness thread (and the beauty bar) and you really are beautiful and always offer such great advice to other posters. It seems to me that you know what you have to do, and maybe you just need time to gather the courage to do it. We are all here rooting for you. I know this all sounds like cliches, but you are beautiful and you deserve someone who makes you so, so happy.

Oct 29th, 2009, 02:13 AM	#41
GirlFriday Member Joined: Mar 2008 Posts: 2,355	PurseAddict, your boyfriend sounds exactly like my best friend's ex-boyfriend...addicted to strip clubs, models, obviously staring at women, and even admitting that he cheated on every girlfriend he ever had. It's a huge red flag when a man says he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had. It's one thing if he's turned a new leaf and is actively trying to changing his prior behavior, but the lying and going to strip clubs to get lap dances is proof that he hasn't really changed. All those little (or big) lies you've caught him in means there's a LOT more going on behind your back than you realize. I think your instincts are telling you this, but your insecurities are making you unsure. Trust me, ANY woman would be bothered by what this guy is doing. I'm sorry you're going through this. Other posters have brought up excellent points also. And don't worry about him being ruined for future women. Take care of yourself, because how he treat future women is his choice, it has nothing to do with you.
GirlFriday Member Joined: Mar 2008 Posts: 2,355

Oct 29th, 2009, 11:12 AM	#42
PurseAddict79 OP PerpetuallyPenniless Joined: Sep 2008 Location: The Mall Posts: 1,233	Good morning all. Thank you so much for your input and reassurances. I was so embarrassed to post all of this because I truly thought the problem was/is me. I guess it really is obvious that he feeds my insecurities with his continuous unacceptable behavior. I do not expect to fix him. I can't. I've learned a lot about myself through counseling... especially the fact that I am co-dependent. Originally I didn't see the signs about how I was being co-dependent with him. I didn't see them until I took my blinders off. Now I realize once again, I've made myself Captain Save a Ho. He texted yesterday afternoon saying he was going out with his friend that night. I politely asked where, and he said to a sports bar or something to watch the game (funny, because he doesn't like sports). We texted back and forth a bit into the evening and he stopped replying to my texts around 7pm. No biggie. I know he was out. BUT we have a "rule" of sorts. When either one of us goes out for the evening, we text each other when we get home to let each other know we're safe. He texted me at 7pm, said he loved me and would text when he got home. He didn't text. I know it may seem trivial, but I think that was kind of "it" for me. I didn't get much sleep last night. I woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach that won't go away. He's suppose to come over today... I even arranged to leave work early to spend extra time with him. Instead, I'm going to call him at lunch and end things. I think its better than doing it in person. I don't think I'd have the strength to do it in person. This just isn't the relationship I want, long term. I want to settle down. Have a stable, happy life with someone. Eventually, I'd like to come home to someone, sleep next to someone. The distance thing and the fact that he's not willing to move makes that impossible. Add to that the fact that I'm always wondering... whether its because of my insecurities or his actions... I'm always wondering what he's really doing. Like last night. Did he not text because he went home drunk and passed out, or because he wasn't alone? And it won't matter what he says, because its not going to change anything. I just can't do this anymore. I grew up over the years... and he didn't.

Oct 29th, 2009, 11:22 AM	#43
juneping couch potato-ing Joined: Jun 2007 Location: NYC Posts: 4,352	^^ GL!! about the co-dependent thing...well, i think everyone is like that to a certain degree. it's a subject i talked to my counselor and my bf. but the issue is how will it affect our decision when the situation is less than tolerable and ppl still sticks around. i don't believe we are made to live in an island and be self sufficient. we need human contacts, friends and family (lovers included). i think you are a strong woman and you will find someone who appreciate you inside and out.
	__________________ wish list: purse ban until the cc is paid off $10200 paid off...$3300 to go .....oh..i can't wait...

Oct 29th, 2009, 11:28 AM	#44
Hessefan Member Joined: Sep 2009 Location: UK Posts: 145	Good luck sweetie! Don't let anyone convince you that it is all your insecurity and unreasonable expectations, because it isn't. You sound like an amazing woman and if you are not happy do what it takes to make you happy. We are all rooting for you and the right man will come along eventually when you least expect it.
	__________________ My Wishlist: Botkier Nomad Botkier Bryant Foley & Corinna Bender Kooba Paige Raisin Kooba Dale Kooba Jacinda Miu Miu any Anya Hindmarch Cooper Mulberry Quilted Shimmy Tote Nude Chloe Edith Modalu Wilton Zadig & Voltaire Touly Christal Taupe

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