I need r/s help... (Long, SIA)

[PurseAddict79]

Merika - I mean I looked for him. We lost contact. He moved. I moved. I spent the better part of 10yrs looking for him because we had such a great relationship. Of course, I was only 19. My idea of a great relationship differs greatly now that I'm an adult and parent.

And I agree about him being physically unsafe by seeing someone else while seeing me. That's why I brought it up. I feel it was/is unsafe and disrespectful to both me and the other girl who undoubtably knew nothing about me.

Hessefan - Thank you for that. I've placed all of this blame on myself... thinking the only reason that they're issues is because I have issues. Its reassuring to know someone who is confident would take issue with these things as well.

eff - I've made that comment multiple times about him putting random chicks before my needs and feelings. He says he just goes because its a bar, and the girls mean nothing to him. I've stressed that that isn't the issue... whether they mean 'something' to him isn't the issue because they mean something to me. He always replies "well, I've been going since I was 18... you can't ask me to change who I am". Funny. I didn't think going to strip clubs qualified as defining 'who someone is'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He's suppose to come over tomorrow night (my son is with his dad)... and I'm not sure if this is a talk I should have with him in person or on the phone beforehand. I don't even know how to bring it up or what to say. As far as he's concerned everything is perfect. We just got back from a 1wk vacation. He thinks I'm happy. I mean, we've talked about stuff before but when he pushes it back onto me saying its all due to my insecurities, I drop the subject. Part of me believes him. The other part of me thinks he's just being a dick.

This is going to totally blindside him... and I don't know how to handle any of this.

[Jeneen]

I need to marinate on this because I don't want to tell you what to do. I think a lot of the posters are bringing up excellent points and showing concern for you and your son in their advice. Just one question: Do you really want to feel "not good enough" in your relationship with him and your relationship with yourself for the rest of your life?

I know you've been following my thread - and I know how horrible ED is - but there is some work to be done on your self image, regardless of your weight. I'm the same height and weight as you are and I still consider myself "thin." - I'm trying to lose inches to be healthier and feel good about myself, not to please anyone else - honestly, I bet most people in my life wouldn't even notice if I lost weight. If you still have unfinished business with your ED, no amount of lost weight will make you happy. I'm glad you continue to work through it. No man or woman is worth harming your mind/health/body/belief system over.

I've seen pictures of you and I think you are BEAUTIFUL. I know those just seem like words, but you have to figure out a way to process them and BELIEVE them, and tell yourself that all the time - you deserve to treat yourself better.

[PurseAddict79]

sarasmith - I think it's the opposite. I'm not getting pumped from going out with him. Not at all. I think his cockiness (and he is cocky, he admits it) is amplifying my self esteem issues.

[Jeneen]

^ Just read you see a specialist! Good for you!

Remember relationships are all about trying people on to see if they work. You did not fail at life if this one didn't work out. I would feel a little manipulated if he kept pushing things on my insecurities - everyone has insecurities - it just seems like an easy cop out for him in these discussions - maybe he doesn't see going to strip clubs as a problem - but you do - so I think he should have some respect for that and not go except for a Bachelor party or something like that (if that was okay with you) - and especially not hide it from you.

[PurseAddict79]

Jeneen - I'm so glad you're here.

I most definitely do not want to go through this r/s feeling like I'm not good enough. And honestly, I don't ever see myself getting over that feeling. Its not that he says things to make me feel that way. He tells my I'm beautiful all the time. But they're just words when he says it one minute and then checks out Miss Skinny 18 Year Old.

I agree that I have work to do. I don't think anyone ever gets over an ED, they just learn how to keep it in check, and that's what I am focusing on. My body image issues will take more work than the ED itself... and that's what I struggle with. I use to weigh 215lb. And I still see that girl when I look in the mirror.

Thank you for the compliment. Its so hard to believe that kind of stuff, especially when my bf would rather pay a stripper $20 to sit in his lap than drive 2hrs to see his "beautiful girlfriend". KWIM?

I don't think the stripper thing would be such a big deal if (1) he didn't feel the need to lie about it, (2) he didn't get a lap dance and (3) he hadn't dated strippers in the past. Strippers from the same clubs he's going to on guys night.

[gina2328]

The strip club thing would be a deal breaker for me. The lying and the prior cheating. Continuously checking out other women is rude and disrespectful. What is he, 12? No, no, no! You can do so much better. This is not the man for you.

For the breakup talk, just say "This isn't working for me". Rinse, lather, repeat. You know, try not to get into a long drawn out break up scene, pointing out all his faults and defects. What good will it do? This guy will just get mad and go into defense mode. It is not likely he is going to change his ways and turn into Mr. Perfect overnight. He can't. He is who he is and he won't change.

[Jeneen]

If all he wants is Miss Skinny 18 year old - well Miss Skinny will turn 19, 20, 30, 40, 50... and he will end up old and alone as he keeps wishing for someone younger.

Side note - I understand that people have pasts and have cheated, etc, and can change, but his current behavior - TO ME - isn't really indicative of an actual lifestyle change - but you know him best. Think about the things that have really changed for the better with him and his lifestyle and which haven't.

[PurseAddict79]

I guess I just need to figure out what to do... how to handle this. Do I have a real talk with him, face to face and give him the chance to fix things? Or do I tell him straight up that I don't think I can do this anymore?

So lost. And hurting.

[PurseAddict79]

Originally Posted by Jeneen

If all he wants is Miss Skinny 18 year old - well Miss Skinny will turn 19, 20, 30, 40, 50... and he will end up old and alone as he keeps wishing for someone younger. Side note - I understand that people have pasts and have cheated, etc, and can change, but his current behavior - TO ME - isn't really indicative of an actual lifestyle change - but you know him best. Think about the things that have really changed for the better with him and his lifestyle and which haven't.

He's 3yrs older than me and has never dated anyone his age. All his past gf's were much younger than him. His last gf was 10yrs younger than him. He makes fun of me for my age all the time.

I'm not sure if he has changed because there's that 10yr gap that I know virtually nothing about. I don't know if he's changed. Heck I don't even know if he's cheating on me or not. kwim?

[Jeneen]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

He's 3yrs older than me and has never dated anyone his age. All his past gf's were much younger than him. His last gf was 10yrs younger than him. He makes fun of me for my age all the time. I'm not sure if he has changed because there's that 10yr gap that I know virtually nothing about. I don't know if he's changed. Heck I don't even know if he's cheating on me or not. kwim?

And do you really want to have to wonder that constantly?

I've been cheated on by a former bf and it will pop into my head fleetingly about current bf, but his words and actions tell me he is faithful. I think every woman deserves that.

[PurseAddict79]

^^ I agree. And he'll reassure me verbally... and sometimes some of his actions too. But there are other things that make me wonder... especially the strip club thing.

[Jeneen]

mmmmmm hmmmmm - I don't know what you should do or say exactly, but I have a suggestion: I would figure out what to say when he starts saying it is all about your insecurities.

If he won't change some of his ways for you - that's fine - you can't control him - but you don't have to hang around and be hurting all the time - you are the only person you can control.

[gina2328]

Even if things were going great, which they are not, you said he has no plans to relocate to your town. How can you have a future with someone like that? Were you planning on dating indefinitely, every other weekend? Is marriage something you want someday? Or at least some kind of stable, long term serious relationship, where you see each other 2-4 times/week?

I would also be uncomfortable with his past wondering what he is doing on the weekends you are not together. Could he be at a strip club, out with a woman? He has already lied to you once.....

[PurseAddict79]

gina - You're writing everything I struggle with internally on a daily basis. Where is this going if I can't relocate and he won't? How do I know what he's doing when we aren't together? Though, to his defense, he works until 10pm on weekends and will call me when he's on his way home and we talk for a while... but after we hang up, who knows. That's where I convince myself trust must come into play and I have to trust he's home... where he says he is...

[Hessefan]

Just think of it another way. Would you spend all your savings, or your son's college fund, say $20,000, on a handbag that wasn't perfect, that had rips or one you weren't sure about? You probably wouldn't. But that is basically what you are doing, you are investing your current happiness, and thereby your son's, in a relationship with a guy who makes you feel bad about yourself. Whether it has to do with your issues or not, whether he means to do that or not, he makes you feel inadequate and insecure by looking at 18 year old skinny women, making fun of your age and getting lap dances. Him blaming everything on your issues doesn't help and makes oyu feel bad about yourself.

If nothing else he is incredibly insensitive. If my husband had, say, erectile dysfunction (which he doesn't, just as a sidenote), I would never go out and get lots of porn with guys who are very well endowed and always ready. His behaviour is just insensitive and shows lack of concern, and you can do much better, even if it doesn't seem like it right now.