I need r/s help... (Long, SIA)

[PurseAddict79]

Thank you spoiled_brat

I know I made the right decision.

I got sooo caught up in the nostalgia of it all... because we were old flames reunited after all those years. Its hard to let go of something I had so much hope for.

But the bottom line is...... I grew up in those 10yrs we were apart. And he didn't.

[ZippyWho]

You made the right decision. With his "secretive" behaviors (bar scenes, phone in pocket all the time), I (anyone) would wonder what's he got to hide.

[Allisonfaye]

You say you love him. I think maybe you love the man you WANT him to be.

I am sorry you are having a hard time. I can't imagine how hard it would be to have an ED. But I seriously think you are doing great and you are very strong, even if YOU don't think so. I haven't looked at your picture. I know that a million people can tell you how beautiful you and you just don't see it that way. But you need to find that strength inside yourself. I think you will. Hang in there, Sweetie.

[Litigatrix]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

^^ I guess I should have clarified... His pants were on the floor... with his phone in the pocket.

OK, that's less weird. There are still all of those other red flags, though.

[olialm1]

Stay strong

He deserved to get his ass kicked to the curb. I can't believe how insensitive and stupid he was by saying you should be a FWB. Ugh, what scum. I know it's really hard to let go of a relationship that you want to work but sometimes it is the best thing you can do for yourself, especially when the other person in the relationship is really toxic. I wish you the best and I hope you find happiness with someone who won't jerk you around - you deserve someone who will show they care for you and your child!

[SPOILEDkiwi]

Hang in there PurseAddict! It will get better with time and distance. Even though he supposedly wants you back now, he's still being selfish and only thinking about himself. You definitely made the right choice.

[Hessefan]

Not to sound harsh, but do you think it's possible he wants you back because he thought he had you in the bag and wrapped around his finger, and his pride is now very hurt that you showed him otherwise? That is what selfish people often seem to do when someone breaks up with them. This doesn't mean he didn't care about you at all, but he is probably very confused more than desperate, otherwise why would he ask to be FWB?
Also, your son sounds lovely

[juneping]

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

Thank you spoiled_brat I know I made the right decision. I got sooo caught up in the nostalgia of it all... because we were old flames reunited after all those years. Its hard to let go of something I had so much hope for. But the bottom line is...... I grew up in those 10yrs we were apart. And he didn't.

this reminds me of what my counselor told me....when i was on a break w/ my bf...my counselor told me i was sad b/c the hope/dream of having a companion/lover/a family was broken. the he's the bridge or goal to that dream.
i think for you...you know he is a bad news...so i think you are just holding on to the idea of a better him...not himself exactly.
feel better.

[PurseAddict79]

Ugh. It just won't end.

I've been up since 2:30am... he texted "I love you" I didn't reply. Then he called at 3:30am. And 3:35am. And I finally answered at 3:40am. We were on the phone for an hour. We both were crying. He said he's willing to make the changes he needs to make. I told him he needs to grow up. If we wants to be a child, he can continue to date them. I told him if he truly wants me back, he needs to make the changes first... I'm not just going to stand around and wait or hold his hand while he grows up and becomes a man. Do it and then call me.

I'm hurting so bad. I care about him so much, but I can't change how I feel... and I explained that to him. I listed all of my 'dealbreakers'/reasons...

I will never trust him... his response, he'll earn my trust
He has commitment issues... his response, he'll show me he doesn't
We have different goals... his response, he disagrees. We want the same things, just on different timeline.
He wants kids, I can't have them... his response, we'll get a surrogate
He won't move and I can't... his response, he'll move

He said he's going to change his work schedule and cut back to part time. That he'll be with me 4 days a week and work 3 days a week.

And you know what? It's still not enough. I feel like such an asshole for saying that, but its just... *sigh*.... too little too late.

Its not like I sprung this on him at once (like he claims). I told him. And told him. And told him. He just didn't listen until I stopped talking altogether.

I'm so twisted. I want to move on. My mind wants me to move on, but my heart won't let go. This is normal right??

[spoiled_brat]

^ yes this is normal.

I was kind of wondering how you were doing... Sorry to hear it's not that great.

I think you should listen to your mind instead of your heart... deep down, you know you've made the right decision and you know he won't change but your heart is still hoping... *sigh*

Perhaps, tell him you need some time to think this through and ask him not to contact you for now. See how you feel after a couple of days really truly without him. It might feel better than you think.

Does this make any sense?

[aklein]

PA -- block him! Block him from texting and call your cell phone provider and put him as a do not call. His behavior is out of line and completely disrespectful. You have told him you do not want to talk to him and yet, he still continues to try to remain in your life. It doesn't sound to me like he is trying to show you he has changed. He is showing you that he hasn't changed. He's doing what he wants and not giving a crap about you at all.

[PurseAddict79]

spoiled_brat - Totally makes sense. I am shipping him back his stuff and after he receives it I'm going to implement the NCR.

aklein - I'm gonna have to... after he receives his belongings I'm going to block him. It kills me, but I know its for the best. I can't move on when he keeps pulling me back.

[ilovepinkhearts]

im not trying to say you aren't doing the right thing...but is he not worth the chance of changing? people really wake up when they realize they are losing what they really love. i know all about this from experience. i had to leave my husband and take my child out of school and move about an hour away and so much other stuff...and i was 7 mths pregnant. he realized that all the issues i had with him wasn't just a passing thing, it was serious and he is busting his butt everyday to do what he needs to do for himself and for us.

of course you are the only one that knows, you are the one living it and im sure that you are hurting. to you and much strength.

[PurseAddict79]

^^Thank you for showing me the 'flip side'.

I don't know that he will actually change, because I truly don't believe he thinks *he* is the problem. He still blames my insecurities. He's changing for me... instead of for himself. And I truly believe that the only person you can and should change for is yourself... otherwise, it won't stick.

He cried so hard last night he could barely talk. I'd NEVER heard that kind of emotion from him. Why now? Why did he wait so long to fight for what he had to have known he was loosing. Ya know?

But I'm not going to lie. I have hope. Call me dumb, crazy, whatever... but I hope he does change... for the right reasons... not for me, for himself. Even if we don't end up together, he deserves to be happy... and I don't think he'd ever keep a good woman around doing the things he does.

ETA... I'm sure this is going 'against the grain' of what others believe I should be doing, but I'm going out for drinks (just drinks) with airplane guy next week. Just to get my mind off everything else. And because he makes me laugh. And because he's very easy on the eyes...

[ilovepinkhearts]

everyone can change...they may not realize they need to until they hit their rock bottom. and for many people they wont know their rock bottom until it happens and sometimes it's another person to let them know. and yes if the person doesn't want to change then it wont happen no matter what you do or don't do...been there done that for way too many years. which was why i had to leave and threaten divorce. but with our time apart and through all the heartache, fighting, sleepless nights, etc... we now have a great relationship and we are closer than ever. in fact this is the best that we have ever been and we have been together going on 10yrs [wow...that long. im kinda shocked!!]

and i say go and have fun with airplane guy. you aren't in a relationship at the moment, and him making you laugh is a good thing. just don't put pressure on him to help 'fix' you. just go to have a nice evening and no other expectations. :)