[Pias]

I really need advices on how to deal with this.
I had a classmate-turn-friend who I knew for 7 years now. We rarely met since we gratuated but we talk on the phone about once a week. We love shopping and we can talk for an hour about shopping and cosmetics; we also share our beauty secrets. But our family backgrounds are quite opposite. I'm just a simple minded person who came from a simple upper middle class family. She, on the other hand, has always have turmoils in her relationship with men. I feel truly sorry for her; and I always listen to her problems and try to advise her in past years. She has listened but hardly resolved the problems based on my advices. But that was alright with me since they're her own life and her own problems, right?
For some reason, she became a massage therapist and goes out and sleeps with some of her clients although she is a married woman with one daughter. She blamed her husband for not being a good provider, uncontrollably moody and deeply in financial debt. It is disgusting for me, but I said nothing about it since she has similar problems like this before and once I said anything, she would scream at me. I told myself it was her problem and I should never judge her. Her husband now knew about her cheating on him and took her cellphone from her hand when she was talking with me and complain about her with me. Once I told him it was a problem between them, and ask him not to discuss this issue with me anymore, he got upset and asked me not to call his wife any longer.
I have never encountered anything like this in my life. Last night I had a nightmare about it. In my mind, I am thinking I should stop talking to this friend any longer for my own safety. But I still want her to have a better life than this slum life. But I'm afraid that this whole thing can backfire on me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for your advice.

[jenarae]

I'm sorry about your friend and you having to deal with this but I, personally, would probably keep my distance only because you have already tried helping her and giving her advice, and she has just shrugged it off. I think they will have to resolve their issues and maybe when she has sorted out her life and issues she will come to you.

[LaurenAshley85]

Ugh, I have a friend like this too. She fortuntely isn't married, but at the time she was in a very serious relationship. Her boyfriend was giving her trouble and she would just go out and sleep with guys from school that she barely knew. She would tell me she'd get so upset she'd throw up all night, yet she would go out the next night and sleep with another guy. The trend would just continue night after night. I would tell her she was wrong but she would just laugh it off. Luckily she broke it off with her boyfriend not too long ago, but in your case, your friend is married with a child and that makes things so much trickier.

I feel like I should say it's not up to you to tell her what is right and what's wrong. Because truthfully, it's not. But I know you want what's best for your friend. I felt like that, and I tried so hard to get her to see the truth in what she was doing. It's WRONG. Unlike my friend, your friend's husband knows she's doing it! How sick is that! After a while, you just say to yourself 'what the hell, it's not even worth it anymore". Whether your friend acknowledges what she is doing as wrong or not, she's never going to stop until something MAKES her stop. Some kind of catestrophic event, or her losing everything she loves. That is the only thing that will get her to snap out of it and stop living her life like it's a meaningless piece of garbage.

Maybe you could write your friend an e-mail or letter and explain that she's weaving a dangerous web for herself and her family. I know it's hard especially since she lashes out at you whenever you try to prove her wrong. But if you could get everything into an e-mail or a piece of paper, it may give her some sort of clarity. And even if it doesn't, at least you know you tried and got everything out that needed to be.

Good luck, I know what this feels like.

[Speedy]

They are both trying to drag you into their problems, wanting you to pick sides. He's blaming you for his wife's infidelities, while she's wanting approval from you.

RUN. This is one of the few cases where I'd really think class may be too big a bridge for you to cross. And I totally do NOT blame you.

[MissCrystal]

Originally Posted by jenarae

I'm sorry about your friend and you having to deal with this but I, personally, would probably keep my distance only because you have already tried helping her and giving her advice, and she has just shrugged it off. I think they will have to resolve their issues and maybe when she has sorted out her life and issues she will come to you.

I agree.. you tried your best to help her out and she just brushed you off just give her some space to figure out her issues

[merde111]

Sadly enough, you can only offer your help and understanding, but you can't make her change her life or the choices she continues to make. I've had to distance myself from friends in the past when I didn't feel like our relationship was good for me any more. Specifically, when I no longer felt good about talking to that person or sharing anything with them, dreaded hearing from them, and only talked to them out of a sense of obligation.

Sometimes, you just outgrow a friendship and need to move on. It doesn't have to be anything drastic--just a slow lessening of contact and distancing over time. You need to do what is good for you and take care of yourself emotionally. Best of luck!

[chipmunk-pnw]

I'm sorry you are being caught in the middle of it all. If I were you I'd just stop contact for about 6 months, not even an email, just complete distance. You gave her your best shot and she still thinks extra marital affairs are fun but is totally irresponsible for the consequences and the effects they leave on her best pal (you) and her husband. This blame game will not work and it will backfire, looking at how immature both have handled their situations. You seem to be the innocent scapegoat, the only person they have "in common" so sooner or later, they will blame you. Get out when you can or you will regret it soon.

If I were you I'd drop her a note request to be left alone for a while (writing always does wonders, send her an email, not sms), and give no other reason. She will get the point after her domestic issues are resolved, maybe even thank you for it.

Close friendships never last forever, even if they've been going on for decades. People change at their own will, and you can't change them. true friends are like rare gems, extremely difficult to find. Not all of us have such friends. They will never blame you nor get you involved in their private lives in a bad way. Throughout your life you will find that your friends might drop you or you drop them, it is pretty normal, don't be alarmed. In a situation like this one, it might be better to drop the friend just for about half a year to regain your own sanity and seek a better quality of life, then maybe once in a blue moon thereafter to see how things got on.

[Pias]

Thank you for all your advices. I do appreciate them all.
I just met her and her daughter for a dinner yesterday. I was so worried about her safely. She said that her hubby might kill her over this cheating. I asked her if she is still happy with him, and she said "NO", so I encouraged her to move out and divorce for their own good. She agreed and she just moved out today. I know I'm not supposed to encourage anyone to divorce, but I know she won't quit cheating on him, and he seems like not afraid of killing anyone.

[forever21]

Sounds like she did the right thing! Good for you for being concerned with her.

[la miss]

Oh boy. I have a childhood friend like this. I sometimes come to this forum seeking advice about how to handle the relationship. I hope your friend pulls herself together and begins to have more self-respect than to throw herself around. Unfortunately my friend never did. She even hit rock bottom and lost everything including her house, her husband and custody of her children but she still exhibits the same behaviour. I wish I had some great advice but I don't. Just try to be a good friend and take care of your own safety first.