I need advice from my tpf friends...

[guccime]

To introduce myself... if you go on the Coach or Gucci forums, you probably know who I am. If you don't, it's very nice to sort of "meet" you.

Background: My fiance and I just graduated from college in May, we are getting married this October already, and my parents can't pay for the wedding so we are paying for and planning absolutely everything ourselves, save for a five thousand dollar wedding planning money gift from his parents, bless their hearts.

I was doing fairly okay... the only thing I ever blew my money on was Victoria's Secret stuff (and boy did I, I probably have the most extensive lingerie collection in the world haha). But then... I got totally bitten by the designer handbag bug. I am sitting here trying to remember what even started it, and I can't! At first I just wanted a Coach bag, and I got one, and I do love it, the leather is so soft and the zipper is just to die for as anyone who has ever had a Coach bag knows.

But then all of a sudden I wanted a Gucci so badly. This is the part that I can't for the life of me remember how it started. (And this all just happened about a month ago!!!!!!!!!) Anyway, to make a long story short, I sold the 3 acres of land that I have owned since I was very young (a gift from my grandfather) because it isn't in a logical place for us to live (middle of nowhere, my fiance would have to drive at least an hour to get anywhere where he would be able to work.) Next thing I know, I now own two Gucci bags (one from the big Gucci sale from a boutique, one a really good deal I snagged on eBay), and I have THREE MORE, yes, THREE MORE Gucci bags on the way AND a wallet that I've won on ebay this week.

My reasoning was this: I am crazy about Gucci Britt bags. They seem to not sell them anymore in leather, I think they are going to stop making them entirely, so my reasoning was, get one in each basic color (white/ivory, black, brown) now, and then I am done, forever, no need to buy any more.

My problem is that I am feeling terribly guilty. It didn't hit me until today when I thought how I would feel if my fiance blew 2 thousand dollars on three gaming systems right now. I would say what on earth did you do that for, we are getting married in three and a half months, etc etc etc, and what do you need with three gaming systems?!

But then I realize that over the past three years I have spent tons of money on things that him and I DO need. I have an entire large closet full of Princess House glasses, plates, silverware, and cooking pots/pans that I have boughten. I just bought a really nice comforter and sheet set for us. So I think wait, I've spend tons on things that we need that I could just as easily have never gotten, don't I deserve to at least get classic handbags so that's one less thing I will ever have to buy?

My fiance never once complained about my purchases, either, which makes me feel even worse somehow. He wants me to keep them. I, on the other hand, get even more guilty feeling that he is being so nice about it and I feel like I should just list all of my handbags but one or two along with the half a ton of VS lingerie I've never worn on eBay.

Wow this is so long I'm sorry. I need to vent and my actual friends aren't being very available to me lately. Plus they wouldn't understand the whole loving handbags thing.

Any thoughts, friends? I don't know what I should do.

[elle tee]

Guccime, it sounds like you already know what you have to do. Sell the things you're not in love with or don't use. If you feel bad about spending the money, you won't enjoy the item, so why keep it? It doesn't matter that no one is angry at you, or even that you're not in debt. If you feel like you made a mistake in buying something, then you made a mistake and you should get rid of it. Good luck!

[LadyLinda]

You're not alone. You'll find other people have been down a very similar road. It sounds to me like you came into your independence, maybe after a period of deprivation (maybe you didn't spend a lot while at school?) and all of a sudden you discovered the joys of materialism.

I did that, too, when I first got married. Probably has a lot to do with nesting, and you just got started early, and spent money you now wish you hadn't. It's okay. The good thing is you recognized that this was not what you want to be doing, not to this extent. Now you find yourself swinging the other way (such an emotional pendulum, this bag love of ours ) and are trying to right the boat all at once.

Take a deep breath. Stop buying for a bit. If you need money, sell a few things on eBay, but if you don't need the money, give yourself a chance to step back, assess what you have and what you really love and want to keep. Give yourself a little time to process, and you may realize that you don't have sell anything, and all you really need to do is stop spending.

If you sell things now just because you're guilty, you may end simply feeling worse later because you'll wish you hadn't.

Guilt is a natural thing to feel when we know we've lost control of our better values. To put it back in its box, listen to it and stop doing what made you feel that way. Here's a hug, from someone who's definitely been down that road ahead of you. It's a shame that hard lessons feel so darn uncomfortable, but they stick, and you'll be a stronger person. You already are!

[IntlSet]

I have some guilt about that also. My wonderful SO never really comments on how I spend my money but I know if he blew the cost of a Chanel bag on pretty much anything, I'd be like, "AREN'T YOU THINKING OF OUR FUTURE???" It's such a stupid double-standard that I harbor in my head. When I think of him and his frugal ways and how he really thinks hard before buying anything -- I end up feeling HORRIBLY guilty about what a spendthrift I am.

[heat97]

Originally Posted by IntlSet

I have some guilt about that also. My wonderful SO never really comments on how I spend my money but I know if he blew the cost of a Chanel bag on pretty much anything, I'd be like, "AREN'T YOU THINKING OF OUR FUTURE???" It's such a stupid double-standard that I harbor in my head. When I think of him and his frugal ways and how he really thinks hard before buying anything -- I end up feeling HORRIBLY guilty about what a spendthrift I am.

You literally took the words right out of my mouth ITA^^

[lovinalotofbags]

Do what you need to do. You will come this way again and hopefully feel more comfortable about your purchases. We have all been there except for the wealthy.

[D1M3C]

First off, CONGRATS on graduating!! That's such a big accomplishment! And a wedding in the same year, 2008 is gonna be a good one for you!

Regarding the purses, I would have to agree with elle tee if there are any that you don't particularly use anymore or don't like as much as your new ones, try selling them. Any money you can contribute to the wedding is helpful. Especially since I'm sure you want it to be pefect, like most girls dream of!

P.s. Your fiance sounds great and supportive, you've clearly found the right one!

[guccime]

Oh my goodness I love you guys these answers were so nice so far.

And LadyLinda, are you a psychologist? You are so right! (I did take some psych in college haha.) I am a huge nester, I've always been even since late high school. I'm one of those people that just LIVES to have a home with someone they love and to collect all of the things that they need. (My closet is, literally, wall to wall princess house boxes.)

And you were also right about the having money for the first time in my life. My parents got divorced when I was five, and after some horrible experiences, I ended up living with my father and stepmother. They then had a child of their own. I love my family to death but it was one of those things where I had to take care of myself early on. Buy my own clothes, buy my own haircuts, shoes, everything of that sort.

Now that I sold the land I owned, I finally for the first time have money in my bank account. I got a little too excited and ended up with more Gucci than I bargained for (lol).

I think your advice is extremely smart when you say that I shouldn't necessarily throw everything into the auction world right now, and rather take a step back, wait for them all to come, look at them for a while, and really think about which ones I will use and love and which ones I probably won't. Because you are right, if I sell something that I do really love, I will always have that nagging thought in the back of my head that I got rid of it and shouldn't have.

I think what it comes down to is I'm just getting nervous, financially. 10 thousand is nothing to sneeze at in the bank for me, but I am also realistic and I know that that simply is not a lot of money these days. My fiance hasn't been offered any jobs he wants yet, and we only have three and a half months until the wedding for the poor talented guy to find one and get a place for us to live. He is extremely intelligent and talented but he wants to get into the political field (don't worry he really is an honest and loving guy haha) and he is forever running into the "we don't hire out of college" barrier. It's just getting frustrating, and to compensate I feel like I want to throw everything I own on eBay just to show him that it's okay.

Since money isn't an emergency right now, I think I will take your advice and not sell anything until I am absolutely sure that it's the right move. He actually just texted me the same response: "Sell things if you want to, honey, but don't sell anything you love."

If one of the three bags gets here and I don't love it in person, I'll throw it on eBay. But if I love them, I guess the smart thing to do would be to sell the things I don't use anymore, or don't want.

It's just so hard in this "transition" stage. It's frustrating to me.

I will take comfort in looking at the OTHER purchases I have made since I got the money: a new really nice electric shaver for my wonderful fiance, a fantastic comforter and sheet set for our future bed, a beautiful wedding cake, wedding invitations soon...

Now I just have to take a breath and STOP, like you said. It is seriously addicting once you start buying these things, I think!

[guccime]

Originally Posted by D1M3C

First off, CONGRATS on graduating!! That's such a big accomplishment! And a wedding in the same year, 2008 is gonna be a good one for you!

Regarding the purses, I would have to agree with elle tee if there are any that you don't particularly use anymore or don't like as much as your new ones, try selling them. Any money you can contribute to the wedding is helpful. Especially since I'm sure you want it to be pefect, like most girls dream of!

P.s. Your fiance sounds great and supportive, you've clearly found the right one!

Thanks so much my dear, he really is just the nicest, most wonderfully caring guy I have ever met. I cannot wait to get married. You better believe I will post pics here too when we do!

[illinirdhd]

My advice would be enjoy the bags you've already bought, and then hold off on other ones until after the wedding. Maybe then you and DF could split the money you receive as wedding gifts, so that each of you can buy yourselves a Happy Graduation/Congratulations gift (or replenish your bank accounts) after the wedding. You could put your disposable income toward the wedding for right now, make cuts where you can (do you really NEED a designer dress, or can you get a really nice one for less, etc?), and then reward yourself after the wedding has been paid for. Just a thought. (We used our wedding money to pay off a little CC debt and I know it was the right thing to do, but it wasn't fun!) And then really think through the things you're doing for the wedding. Yes, a beautiful wedding is important, but don't put yourself in a monetary pinch to make it more extravagant than it needs to be. (We did a pretty expensive dinner, but then only spent $15 on each centerpiece.)

I totally know what you're going through. IntlSet is right on - I have the same feelings about my spending vs. my husband's. But he sees things exactly the same - only opposite - he thinks tools and home improvement projects are worth the money and my bags, shoes and makeup aren't. I say leave the walls white and have a full closet. Just perception, I suppose. (But I know the women's way is better!)

P.S. - from his text, it sounds like you found a keeper!

[guccime]

^Thanks so much. You girls are seriously so sweet. He really is a keeper, he is my best friend and the love of my life.

And that is a very good idea, for us each to be able to get one thing we REALLY really want with the wedding money. We are very lucky and we aren't in any debt whatsoever right now. The only debt we are going to have is my college loan that I am unfortunately stuck with, which needs to start being paid off in November. He was lucky enough to not have any college loans, so that is the only thing we are going to have to pay off. Besides that, we really don't need that much else for a home, because I literally bought almost everything that we need already over the last two years haha. Which I definitely am glad I did now! Not having any room in my closet whatsoever until we find a place is well worth the feeling I will have when we unload everything into our new home together when we get one.

You all are making me feel so much better. I really cannot thank you enough. =)

[guccime]

^ Unfortunately, though, his car is starting to die (don't they always pick the best times) so we will have to find a new one for him soon... I don't even have a car (my parents never got me one, and I live in the middle of nowhere so I could never earn very much money without a car to get me to a decent job). Thankfully I majored in English and I am currently trying to work on freelance writing jobs while I babysit three kids every day for the summer at a neighbor's house.

But all things considered, with only one person's college loan and one car payment to start making, I think that is pretty good these days for 22 year olds!!!

[sarahloveslouis]

*raises hand* I'm in the same boat right now!

I am VERY newly engaged, and have started in on the planning. We have a moderate budget for the wedding, but will be footing quite a bit of the bill ourselves. I stare into my closet at all of the khaki cotton dustbags with beautiful Louis Vuitton bags inside, into the dark brown Coach dustbags with tons more, and I think to myself "WHY? I don't NEED these things..."

I've tried to ask Zachary if he would be OK with me selling off a few of them, and he just says "Why? We're just going to have to replace them down the road!" (He knows me too well)

So my mind wants to sell them for some more cash, my heart says "don't", and my best friend/fiance says "You'll miss them too much!"

Still, I'm a logical person and I will probably end up selling them.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. It's a tough thing to have to pay for a wedding yourself.

[LadyLinda]

Originally Posted by guccime

And you were also right about the having money for the first time in my life. My parents got divorced when I was five, and after some horrible experiences, I ended up living with my father and stepmother. They then had a child of their own. I love my family to death but it was one of those things where I had to take care of myself early on. Buy my own clothes, buy my own haircuts, shoes, everything of that sort.

Now that I sold the land I owned, I finally for the first time have money in my bank account. I got a little too excited and ended up with more Gucci than I bargained for (lol).

Well, I don't have a degree in psychology, but I have a world of life experience. I've been exactly where you are. My poison was antique silver, not bags, at that time, but the outlay was formidable. And I remember vividly the day I just stopped in my tracks and thought, "What the H*** am I doing?" All that silver was compensation for a situation very much as you describe. Divorced parents, in my case teen age years with no money, and then suddenly having enough money I could do what I wanted, no questions asked, and feeling so liberated. Except that it was just a fantasy I was living out.

Waking up is the end game of that scenario. I'm so glad you did before you spent so much you ended up in financial trouble. Many people don't stop soon enough. You'll now be much more realistic about your passion for Gucci (and whatever else comes along). I still love antique silver, but I buy much less of it!

You're clearly level-headed, and blessed with a wonderful guy who trusts you. That's the best situation of all. And you can always come to tPF when you need people who understand how bags can be so... seductive! The idea to take part of your wedding gift money to indulge yourselves is perfect.

[dusty paws]

I have definitely been down your road before. Once I started my first fulltime job out of college I went bag nuts. I bought... at least 7 bags that I can recall, 3 of them being over 1000.00. And in two weeks I'm set to finally move out of my parents house. So what am I doing? Bag purging. I know it sucks to see your beauties go - but here's my rule. If i haven't used her in 6 months then I can sell it.

My mom gives me a guilt trip about it -they're so pretty you'll regret it. But I'd much rather have a bit more in the savings - especially now - than an extra bag or two in the closet.

I wish you luck on planning your wedding and things will turn out for you :)