I have no idea what the subject of this thread should be.

[BagLadie]

I am home with my 7 yr old daughter with not too much to do today so here I am.

As most or all of you know - I am having major marital problems and on the verge of separation/divorce. This all came to a major head this past weekend.

Three weeks ago was our last therapy session and I was painfully honest with him and told him I just don't love him and have tried for too long. It was very hard to hurt him like that. Then that evening I went to my parents house and spilled everything. Again, this was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. No one gets divorced in my family - and if they do, it's talked about like it's cancer.

Anyway, for the past 3 weeks I have "talked" to my husband.....bringing up separating - trying to convince him to talk to his family etc. He's been in such denial. I tried at first to give him his space so that this could all sink in.

This weekend it all came to the surface. I got angry. Angry he is still "here". Angry that I am not a man so I can't simply walk out the door and leave (I have 3 kids and wouldn't leave them or take them from their home).

So we talked - yelled - cried - everything. He finally broke down and said he loves me so much that he will do anything at this point to make me happy -even if that means divorce.

I should be ecstatic right? I am - and then at the same time I am so sad. I feel like I am grieving a death. I know I don't love him. I know I don't want to stay with someone I don't love. I know over time this is the road to happiness for me. So why do I feel sad? I am not having second thoughts - but I do feel a bit panicked right now. This will change everything. For me and him, but more importantly, our three children.

He is away this week on business and said he will not call me unless it's an emergency (he usually calls all the time and this has bothered me a lot the past few weeks). When he returns at the end of the week I am not sure what will happen. He is going to take a couple of days off so we can make a plan while the kids are home as to where we go from here.

So I am excited and anxious and nervous and sad and scared ...and a bit proud of myself too. We hugged for the first time yesterday - a genuine hug - not one sided like it usually is (him hugging me and me pushing him away). We hugged and it said so much - it said "im sorry....Im sad..." and so much more. 14 yrs all sort of wrapped up with that one hug. Even he seemed stronger afterwards.

So why am I sad? Anyone here go through a divorce/separation that THEY wanted - yet it made them sad at the same time??

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by BagLadie

I feel like I am grieving a death.

well you are actually. the end of love and/or marriage is a death. death of a marriage. you gotta let yourself grieve exactly the way you would if it was an actual death of a loved one. a marriage is an entity of sorts. it lives and breathes.
one day at a time. thats all you can do. and who is to say what the future will bring? people get remarried all the time. remarried to others or to each other, who knows? live in the now and let tomorrow worry about itself. this is the storm. it will calm down and it sounds to me like you and your hubby will work things out one way or another. whether that means getting back together down the road or being happy for each other and each finding new love. for your kids sake, it sounds like you can at least be very very good friends. there are marriages who don't even have that!
stay strong. but allow yourself to cry.

[BagLadie]

thank you. As much as I know I am doing the right thing, I'm so very sad about it. I am not good with change and this is going to be a major upheaval. thank you for your words.

[bagnshoofetish]

Originally Posted by BagLadie

thank you. As much as I know I am doing the right thing, I'm so very sad about it. I am not good with change and this is going to be a major upheaval. thank you for your words.

its okay to be sad. it means you have a heart.

[bagnshoofetish]

and also remember this cornball saying, "if it weren't for change, there wouldn't be butterflies!"

[plumaplomb]

To go along with the mood of your thread title, I have no idea what to say in response. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

[BagLadie]

^^ I loooove that! Never heard it before. Thank you. A nice way to look at things.

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by plumaplomb

To go along with the mood of your thread title, I have no idea what to say in response. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

Thank you. Means a lot to me.

[talexs]

Good luck, had a friend who recently went through something like this. The beginning was hard, but her 2 children really helped her get through it. I tried to spend as much time as possible with her so that she never felt alone and I hope that that made it all a little easier for her. A few months have passed and the difference in her demeanor is noticeable to everyone. Take your time and don't feel as though things need to happen in any set time period.

[maybeiloveyou]

I think any time of "loss" is a period of sadness. Regardless of how you feel about someone currently, I think if at one point you loved them, that it will be hard and you will feel sad for awhile.

[bernz84]

^^^Very true. Just because you're not in love with someone, doesn't mean that you stop caring about him. He was a big part of your life, and it will understandably hurt that he's hurting, too. Thankfully, he's come to grips with reality and realizes that the marriage is over. I wish you the best.

[ilovepinkhearts]

it's OK to be sad, your marriage is ending although it's a good thing and you want it. it means change, it means the unknown, it means new...it means a lot of things are going to be different.

i severely wanted my divorce and i couldn't wait for it to be done...and then i bawled my eyes out while in front of the judge as my ex was reading the statements that he had to [he was the petitioner and it was mutual]. it was the ending of that part of my life with my "first love". i am so thankful for it now. i have a great life, a great husband and a wonderful family...and i have so much love in me and around me that sometimes i am speechless from it all. i wish the same for you

[LOREBUNDE]

I think its the whole "change" thing that's going on. You made your decision, it's going to finally happen and it's scary. I think what you are feeling is normal. Divorce is not an easy thing whether you want it or not. Hang in there, this will all pass. Sounds like you are making the right decision.

[floridasun8]

Hi Ann...we've spoken via pm, so you know how I feel, but I wanted to say I'm sorry for what you are going through and I know it will pass, but try to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like someone else mentioned, I'm sure you still care for your husband, so there is probably some sense of guilt and feeling bad because you have made someone else feel bad. I also agree about the change though. Change is inevitable, but once you get past this grieving time, I believe you will be in a much better place. I can totally understand how you are feeling though and wish you the best. Feel free to pm me if you want.

[twinkle.tink]

I think it means a lot that you are sad. This man was your husband for 14 years and the father of your kids, so you will always be tied to him. I would worry more, if you didn't feel anything. I agree with Shoo, you are grieving and have to give yourself and hubby time to go through the process of grief.

So many times we, as women, see the other end, as the ones who don't want to leave, divorce, etc...people don't realize it can be just as hard to be the one to say, "this just isn't working for me." Just because you are the driving force in the separation/divorce doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

There are so many things to deal with: The pain you are causing a man you love, your children; the sadness and feeling of personal failure; the scariness of the future for all you...and yet, in the back of your mind, the ray of hope...that in the end, it will all be worth it (which can make you feel better and worse at the same time).

There are 2 songs that I absolutely love, that capture so many of the feelings; Love Needs a Heart by Jackson Browne and Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough by Patty Smyth, sometime when you just need to let it put one of these on and cry.

Can you tell, I have been there...PM me anytime.

From Love Needs a Heart
Maybe the hardest thing I've ever done
Was to walk away from you
Leaving behind the life that we'd begun
I split myself in two
Proud and alone, cold as a stone
Rolling down that hill into the night
I could see the surprise and the hurt in your eyes
From behind each flashing city light
Love needs a heart and I need to find
If loves needs a heart like mine

From Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love, it just ain't enough