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Jeneen · Nov 2nd, 2009, 04:48 PM

BagLadie - just because you don't love him doesn't mean you don't care for him. I think you are going to be grieving for some time and that's okay. It will also be a challenge to co-parent and not be married - that will make you sad too. You will figure it out - stay strong!

JNH14 · Nov 2nd, 2009, 05:16 PM

You will be sad-and so will your kids. It's a long process and hopefully you'll get the kids counseling so that this split can be handled in a manner that the kids don't become pawns.

BagLadie · Nov 2nd, 2009, 05:34 PM

Originally Posted by talexs

Good luck, had a friend who recently went through something like this. The beginning was hard, but her 2 children really helped her get through it. I tried to spend as much time as possible with her so that she never felt alone and I hope that that made it all a little easier for her. A few months have passed and the difference in her demeanor is noticeable to everyone. Take your time and don't feel as though things need to happen in any set time period.

Nice to hear how well she is doing and that it's noticed by everyone. Thank you.

BagLadie · Nov 2nd, 2009, 05:35 PM

Originally Posted by maybeiloveyou

I think any time of "loss" is a period of sadness. Regardless of how you feel about someone currently, I think if at one point you loved them, that it will be hard and you will feel sad for awhile.

Yes, and I think I have quite a few more "sad days" that will come about.

BagLadie · Nov 2nd, 2009, 05:36 PM

Originally Posted by ilovepinkhearts

it's OK to be sad, your marriage is ending although it's a good thing and you want it. it means change, it means the unknown, it means new...it means a lot of things are going to be different.

i severely wanted my divorce and i couldn't wait for it to be done...and then i bawled my eyes out while in front of the judge as my ex was reading the statements that he had to [he was the petitioner and it was mutual]. it was the ending of that part of my life with my "first love". i am so thankful for it now. i have a great life, a great husband and a wonderful family...and i have so much love in me and around me that sometimes i am speechless from it all. i wish the same for you

I am so happy everything is going well for you. nice to hear happy endings.

BagLadie · Nov 2nd, 2009, 05:37 PM

Originally Posted by bernz84

^^^Very true. Just because you're not in love with someone, doesn't mean that you stop caring about him. He was a big part of your life, and it will understandably hurt that he's hurting, too. Thankfully, he's come to grips with reality and realizes that the marriage is over. I wish you the best.

Thank you.

BagLadie · Nov 2nd, 2009, 05:38 PM

Originally Posted by LOREBUNDE

I think its the whole "change" thing that's going on. You made your decision, it's going to finally happen and it's scary. I think what you are feeling is normal. Divorce is not an easy thing whether you want it or not. Hang in there, this will all pass. Sounds like you are making the right decision.

You hit the nail on the head. I am not one to have ever liked change and this is so very scary for me. Thanks for "this will all pass"......I need to hear that!

BagLadie · Nov 2nd, 2009, 05:40 PM

Originally Posted by floridasun8

Hi Ann...we've spoken via pm, so you know how I feel, but I wanted to say I'm sorry for what you are going through and I know it will pass, but try to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like someone else mentioned, I'm sure you still care for your husband, so there is probably some sense of guilt and feeling bad because you have made someone else feel bad. I also agree about the change though. Change is inevitable, but once you get past this grieving time, I believe you will be in a much better place. I can totally understand how you are feeling though and wish you the best. Feel free to pm me if you want.

You are so right - I do feel badly and guilty for hurting him so much - and inevitably, our family. Thank you for understanding and I hope you're doing well. Hugs to you.

BagLadie · Nov 2nd, 2009, 05:41 PM

Originally Posted by twinkle.tink

I think it means a lot that you are sad. This man was your husband for 14 years and the father of your kids, so you will always be tied to him. I would worry more, if you didn't feel anything. I agree with Shoo, you are grieving and have to give yourself and hubby time to go through the process of grief.

So many times we, as women, see the other end, as the ones who don't want to leave, divorce, etc...people don't realize it can be just as hard to be the one to say, "this just isn't working for me." Just because you are the driving force in the separation/divorce doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

There are so many things to deal with: The pain you are causing a man you love, your children; the sadness and feeling of personal failure; the scariness of the future for all you...and yet, in the back of your mind, the ray of hope...that in the end, it will all be worth it (which can make you feel better and worse at the same time).

There are 2 songs that I absolutely love, that capture so many of the feelings; Love Needs a Heart by Jackson Browne and Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough by Patty Smyth, sometime when you just need to let it put one of these on and cry.

Can you tell, I have been there...PM me anytime.

From Love Needs a Heart
Maybe the hardest thing I've ever done
Was to walk away from you
Leaving behind the life that we'd begun
I split myself in two
Proud and alone, cold as a stone
Rolling down that hill into the night
I could see the surprise and the hurt in your eyes
From behind each flashing city light
Love needs a heart and I need to find
If loves needs a heart like mine

From Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love, it just ain't enough

Thank you for taking the time to write those lyrics for me. I have copied them. They mean a lot to me. xo

BagLadie · Nov 2nd, 2009, 05:42 PM

Originally Posted by Jeneen

BagLadie - just because you don't love him doesn't mean you don't care for him. I think you are going to be grieving for some time and that's okay. It will also be a challenge to co-parent and not be married - that will make you sad too. You will figure it out - stay strong!

Thank you! You are right - I do care about him and that's the hardest part. I thought about this today and thought it would be so much easier if I hated him and didn't care. But I do. And it hurts that I have hurt him so much.

BagLadie · Nov 2nd, 2009, 05:44 PM

Originally Posted by JNH14

You will be sad-and so will your kids. It's a long process and hopefully you'll get the kids counseling so that this split can be handled in a manner that the kids don't become pawns.

I go to a wonderful therapist that also deal a lot with kids. I plan on taking them right away and helping them through this. My husband and I love them more than anything and theyre our first priority in all this.

BagLadie · Nov 2nd, 2009, 05:47 PM

[QUOTE=twinkle.tink;12994598]

So many times we, as women, see the other end, as the ones who don't want to leave, divorce, etc...people don't realize it can be just as hard to be the one to say, "this just isn't working for me." Just because you are the driving force in the separation/divorce doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

There are so many things to deal with: The pain you are causing a man you love, your children; the sadness and feeling of personal failure; the scariness of the future for all you...and yet, in the back of your mind, the ray of hope...that in the end, it will all be worth it (which can make you feel better and worse at the same time).

These two paragraphs are so very true and speak to me so loud and clear. Thank you Tink. xo

vhdos · Nov 2nd, 2009, 06:18 PM

I would be more concerned if you weren't sad. It's normal to grieve before, during, and after a divorce. It's a painful, difficult process that takes time to heal, regardless of the circumstances.

BagLadie · Nov 2nd, 2009, 07:34 PM

Originally Posted by vhdos

I would be more concerned if you weren't sad. It's normal to grieve before, during, and after a divorce. It's a painful, difficult process that takes time to heal, regardless of the circumstances.

I am learning that. I always thought if one person wanted a divorce and it finally came to fruition they would only feel happiness. This is what I want but I didn't expect this sadness that comes with it. It's like a chapter of my life coming to a close. And I am very excited at the next chapter to open. But this is definitely a difficult time for me. Lots of changes. Exciting yet terrifying at the same time.

DesigningStyle · Nov 2nd, 2009, 10:19 PM

I am sorry that you are going through this. I know your pain and how much it hurts. I wish your marriage had been the forever kind. I know how hard it is to talk to family about this, but no one knows your relationship--being on the inside is very different. It sounds like you need to kind and gentle with yourself...forgive yourself and move on.

Nov 2nd, 2009, 04:48 PM	#16
Jeneen Member Joined: Feb 2009 Location: up in the gym workin on my fitness Posts: 2,752	BagLadie - just because you don't love him doesn't mean you don't care for him. I think you are going to be grieving for some time and that's okay. It will also be a challenge to co-parent and not be married - that will make you sad too. You will figure it out - stay strong!
	__________________ *Jeneen* Stop searching forever, happiness is just next to you. - dbf's fortune cookie

Nov 2nd, 2009, 05:16 PM	#17
JNH14 Midlife...no crisis! Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Somewhere South... Posts: 2,428	You will be sad-and so will your kids. It's a long process and hopefully you'll get the kids counseling so that this split can be handled in a manner that the kids don't become pawns.
	__________________ "Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out". John Wooden

Nov 2nd, 2009, 05:47 PM	#27
BagLadie OP Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 7,002	[QUOTE=twinkle.tink;12994598] So many times we, as women, see the other end, as the ones who don't want to leave, divorce, etc...people don't realize it can be just as hard to be the one to say, "this just isn't working for me." Just because you are the driving force in the separation/divorce doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. There are so many things to deal with: The pain you are causing a man you love, your children; the sadness and feeling of personal failure; the scariness of the future for all you...and yet, in the back of your mind, the ray of hope...that in the end, it will all be worth it (which can make you feel better and worse at the same time). These two paragraphs are so very true and speak to me so loud and clear. Thank you Tink. xo
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Nov 2nd, 2009, 06:18 PM	#28
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,139	I would be more concerned if you weren't sad. It's normal to grieve before, during, and after a divorce. It's a painful, difficult process that takes time to heal, regardless of the circumstances.
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,139	__________________ visit Bonanzle.com

Nov 2nd, 2009, 10:19 PM	#30
DesigningStyle Carrying Dentelle BH Joined: Dec 2006 Location: New Jersey, USA Posts: 8,336	I am sorry that you are going through this. I know your pain and how much it hurts. I wish your marriage had been the forever kind. I know how hard it is to talk to family about this, but no one knows your relationship--being on the inside is very different. It sounds like you need to kind and gentle with yourself...forgive yourself and move on.
	__________________

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