I Have Had ENOUGH!

restricter · Feb 17th, 2008, 09:33 AM

I need to vent. Sorry to take this stinking mess and dump it here but if I don't get this toxicity out of my system I'm going to explode.

My best friend and I have known each other over 20 years. It was always the dream to get a place together. Well, life went on. I went to law school, she didn't finish college but she was always there for me. Her parents died, my parents died -- you could say we went through life and death together.

And then we decided to buy a house.

Correction: we decided I would buy a house for us to share. My income level was at a point where I needed the tax break. So we found a great house that could be divided in half. There already was a downstairs apartment for her. She decided that she and her boyfriend would remodel it. So we closed on the house and they started construction the next day. Three months later, I'm still living in my apartment and paying rent and they're working at the house (barely). I got disgusted, hired a contractor to gut my bathroom, another guy to do my floors, and another to paint. Then I moved in. I got to enjoy my space for exactly three weeks before she decided it would be easier if she moved in too.

My half of the house has 3 bedrooms. I had 2 cats. She had -- get ready for it -- 6 cats.

It was "only for a few months" so like an idiot I said OK.

A few months turned into 2 1/2 years.

She finally moved downstairs about 18 months ago.

We barely talk anymore.

I pay the mortgage, she pays utilities and landscaping.

Last night, I came home to a note. Her cats are elderly and she's concerned that I may track cat litter from upstairs into her precious abode and poison her cats with the toxicity. Never mind that I haven't been down to see her in months, other than a 2 second hello because I feel about as welcome as cancer when I pop down. Meanwhile, she comes up here whenever she feels like it. I don't vacuum everyday. I'm up at 5:30 every morning and don't get home til after 6:30. Would YOU feel like vacuuming and cleaning the house?

Here's where it gets interesting. She feeds the raccoons. That's right. Puts out bowls of dog food and water for them. I didn't mind until they came upstairs and started sh$tting all over my deck. Turns out they like to do that in high places. So I asked her repeatedly all last summer to clean up after the raccoons, which she barely did. The deck, I might add, is outside my bedroom window.

This is supposed to be my best friend. We barely talk. We never spend time together. And it's been reduced to this. I feel used. And angry. Very, very angry. All the time.

I don't want to give up my house. It's mine. I don't need the money she contributes.

So why the hell am I putting up with this?

I know what has to be done. I just hate the idea of burying 20 years.

I don't see any other way. Do you?

merika · Feb 17th, 2008, 09:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by restricter

I don't see any other way. Do you?

No. I don't either. Sorry, but somethings just don't survive the passage of years. If she doesn't respect you enough as a friend to do her part, then what's the point?

I mean people divorce after 20 years if they find themselves incompatible when they not only live together but have combined memories, assets and children. So this would be in a sense your divorce from your friend, but sometimes it just can't be helped....

windycityaj · Feb 17th, 2008, 10:04 AM

I totally agree w/ merika. As much as we would like to salvage long term relationships, sometimes they are beyond repair. You said yourself that you are feeling angry all the time, not speaking, etc......anger turns to stress which is an emotion that can lead to health problems. Maybe the friendship would have a better chance of surviving once the tow of you are apart.

Anne

heartnaspade · Feb 17th, 2008, 10:11 AM

I'm sorry, but all of your concerns sound fairly petty to me, especially if you're considering ending a 20 year friendship over them. She sounds like a good person - she's compassionate enough to feed wild animals and takes care of six of her own pets, and it doesn't sound like she's done anything to deliberately hurt or annoy you. Is it really that much for you to deal with a little mess that the raccoons make? I don't know, it sounds like you work long hours and maybe you are just stressed out in general, but is there more to this story that you aren't describing here?

It sounds like you are resentful that you are paying for the house while she lives in it and only pays for the utilities and landscaping. If that's the case, then money has gotten in the way of your friendship and that really is a shame. Other than that, I really can't comprehend how some raccoon poop and a few extra cats could be causing this much strain on the relationship.

Florasun · Feb 17th, 2008, 10:19 AM

So basically you are subsidizing housing for someone who doesn't talk to you and makes you feel like crap, and you continue to do it because of your twenty year history.
It's not like you can go up to her and say "Be nice to me or move out". She obviously will feel like she has some equity in the house (because of the labor and landscaping). Obviously I wasn't there for the original conversations, but did you guys decide if that gave her a share in the house, or it was in lieu of rent?
I have a feeling you are not going to be able to get rid of her until you part with some cash. You're a lawyer - draw up a contract and ask her to sign. Say you need it for insurance or tax purposes. Or, you could say you are thinking of selling the house and moving, (without her) and see how much she asks for a buyout.

wordpast · Feb 17th, 2008, 10:42 AM

When was the last time you guys had a heart to heart? Maybe invite her up for dinner and tell her how you feel about everything? Try to rebuild the friendship.

You do sound a tad but resentful about paying for the mortgage (what an good friend you are by the way!) and also for her staying with you for those 2 1/2 years. (was her BF living you you also?) Which to be honest is partly your fault because you allowed it. And people will do to you what you allow.

Do you want to sell the house? Or do you want her gone? Either way, I don't know how well this can end.

EDIT:Just reread about the raccoons. I agree with you on that. You didn't ask her to stop feeding them, just to clean up. That's the least she could have done. But now SHE is concern about the cat litter you may track. Which I understand, but yeah, she sounds selfish.

jenny70 · Feb 17th, 2008, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by merika

No. I don't either. Sorry, but somethings just don't survive the passage of years. If she doesn't respect you enough as a friend to do her part, then what's the point?

I mean people divorce after 20 years if they find themselves incompatible when they not only live together but have combined memories, assets and children. So this would be in a sense your divorce from your friend, but sometimes it just can't be helped....

ITA! You sound like a guest in your own home! I'm sorry your friendship has been reduced to this. I hope you find a way to fix this soon!

gacats · Feb 17th, 2008, 11:23 AM

This is not what HOME is supposed to be like.
I would start with having a long past due talk with her, try not to get into accusations, perhaps lay some ground rules out before you begin the discussion.
The raccoons will have to stop though- I have to agree with that one.
Good luck- you have to get this fixed soon, this is not good for your health.

lulilu · Feb 17th, 2008, 11:30 AM

I assume she pays no rent? Just takes care of landscaping etc? If so, you owe her nothing. Tell her to straighten up or get out. It sounds like she has quite a deal.

gillianna · Feb 17th, 2008, 12:05 PM

Do you have any legal contract with her? What are your legal options to kick her out. It is your home. You own it and pay for it. She is basically a hostile tenant who does not talk to you (and not really a tenant because she does not pay rent and has access to your upstairs--I would want my place locked with out anyway she could get in) .
I say get rid of her.
If you picture the rest of your life living this way then you will continue to be taken advantage of. You are not her mother and have to take care of her and also have her treat you bad.
Some friendships are not worth it.

risingsun · Feb 17th, 2008, 12:32 PM

It sounds as if the friendship has already ended. You can try talking to her about what you need from her if she is to continue to live in your home. At this point, she should be paying her share of rent and utilities. As for feeding the racoons, that's just unacceptable. They can do a lot of damage around your house. That needs to stop now. It's probably time for her to leave and for you to enjoy the quiet comfort of your own home. You have been a friend to her...I can't say the same for her.

chodessa · Feb 17th, 2008, 01:16 PM

Unfortunately it's time for her to go....literally and probably figuratively.
Sounds like there is a lot of anger and resentment here....the friendship may not be salvagable...but you never know...but it cannot be fixed until she leaves.
Good Luck!!

Frances Bean · Feb 17th, 2008, 01:16 PM

I think owning more than 2 cats is a sure sign of mental instability. And having 6 of them is just unsanitary. Feeding raccoons? I've never heard of such a thing. I swirve into them if I'm driving at night.

Anyway, is her name on the deed? What are your plans for the future? Starting a family? Would you want her to live with you then? She sounds very ungrateful. After what you've done for her, she's treating vermin better than she treats you. I would confront her.

Leah411 · Feb 17th, 2008, 01:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by heartnaspade

I'm sorry, but all of your concerns sound fairly petty to me, especially if you're considering ending a 20 year friendship over them. She sounds like a good person - she's compassionate enough to feed wild animals and takes care of six of her own pets, and it doesn't sound like she's done anything to deliberately hurt or annoy you. Is it really that much for you to deal with a little mess that the raccoons make? I don't know, it sounds like you work long hours and maybe you are just stressed out in general, but is there more to this story that you aren't describing here?

It sounds like you are resentful that you are paying for the house while she lives in it and only pays for the utilities and landscaping. If that's the case, then money has gotten in the way of your friendship and that really is a shame. Other than that, I really can't comprehend how some raccoon poop and a few extra cats could be causing this much strain on the relationship.

You gotta be kidding.

This "friend" has taken total advantage of her for a long time. She hasn' pulled her share of the load, including the finances. She's making ridiculous demands on her friend who actually owns the home (when...again...she's not pulling her share of the financial load). She's setting out food for raccoons, which is inviting trouble onto the property that SHE does NOT own, but her friend does....

Just because someone is your 'friend', does not give them the right to sh*t all over you. That's not a friend.

heartnaspade · Feb 17th, 2008, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leah411

You gotta be kidding.

This "friend" has taken total advantage of her for a long time. She hasn' pulled her share of the load, including the finances. She's making ridiculous demands on her friend who actually owns the home (when...again...she's not pulling her share of the financial load). She's setting out food for raccoons, which is inviting trouble onto the property that SHE does NOT own, but her friend does....

Just because someone is your 'friend', does not give them the right to sh*t all over you. That's not a friend.

'

Uh no, I'm not kidding.

The OP decided to buy a house and let her friend move in downstairs on the condition that she would pay landscaping fees and the utilities. Where exactly does it say in the post that they bought the house together, as a shared investment? It doesn't, and so you're argument that the friend isn't pulling her "financial load" is irrelevant - I wouldn't pay a mortgage on a home I was never going to own either. The OP says that she wanted a tax break so she bought the house, and it doesn't seem that the original deal was for the friend to contribute half. In the end the OP is going to have the title to the house, so she should be paying more anyway. Regardless, if the OP was going to be frustrated at the amount her friend was paying, that should have been sorted out before they ever moved in together.

I don't see how the friend is "sh*ting" all over the OP. Living with someone is not going to be all sunshine and rainbows - if the most I had to complain about was animal poop outside the house and a few more cats after living with someone for a number of years, I'd consider myself lucky. I'm not saying that more hasn't gone on between the OP and her friend, but what's mentioned in the original post is not reason enough to say that her friend is "sh*ting" all over her.

Feb 17th, 2008, 09:33 AM	#1
restricter Meowy Chrisssmasss	I Have Had ENOUGH! I need to vent. Sorry to take this stinking mess and dump it here but if I don't get this toxicity out of my system I'm going to explode. My best friend and I have known each other over 20 years. It was always the dream to get a place together. Well, life went on. I went to law school, she didn't finish college but she was always there for me. Her parents died, my parents died -- you could say we went through life and death together. And then we decided to buy a house. Correction: we decided I would buy a house for us to share. My income level was at a point where I needed the tax break. So we found a great house that could be divided in half. There already was a downstairs apartment for her. She decided that she and her boyfriend would remodel it. So we closed on the house and they started construction the next day. Three months later, I'm still living in my apartment and paying rent and they're working at the house (barely). I got disgusted, hired a contractor to gut my bathroom, another guy to do my floors, and another to paint. Then I moved in. I got to enjoy my space for exactly three weeks before she decided it would be easier if she moved in too. My half of the house has 3 bedrooms. I had 2 cats. She had -- get ready for it -- 6 cats. It was "only for a few months" so like an idiot I said OK. A few months turned into 2 1/2 years. She finally moved downstairs about 18 months ago. We barely talk anymore. I pay the mortgage, she pays utilities and landscaping. Last night, I came home to a note. Her cats are elderly and she's concerned that I may track cat litter from upstairs into her precious abode and poison her cats with the toxicity. Never mind that I haven't been down to see her in months, other than a 2 second hello because I feel about as welcome as cancer when I pop down. Meanwhile, she comes up here whenever she feels like it. I don't vacuum everyday. I'm up at 5:30 every morning and don't get home til after 6:30. Would YOU feel like vacuuming and cleaning the house? Here's where it gets interesting. She feeds the raccoons. That's right. Puts out bowls of dog food and water for them. I didn't mind until they came upstairs and started sh$tting all over my deck. Turns out they like to do that in high places. So I asked her repeatedly all last summer to clean up after the raccoons, which she barely did. The deck, I might add, is outside my bedroom window. This is supposed to be my best friend. We barely talk. We never spend time together. And it's been reduced to this. I feel used. And angry. Very, very angry. All the time. I don't want to give up my house. It's mine. I don't need the money she contributes. So why the hell am I putting up with this? I know what has to be done. I just hate the idea of burying 20 years. I don't see any other way. Do you? __________________ And in case that's not completely clear...

Feb 17th, 2008, 10:04 AM	#3
windycityaj Member Location: Chicago, IL	Re: I Have Had ENOUGH! I totally agree w/ merika. As much as we would like to salvage long term relationships, sometimes they are beyond repair. You said yourself that you are feeling angry all the time, not speaking, etc......anger turns to stress which is an emotion that can lead to health problems. Maybe the friendship would have a better chance of surviving once the tow of you are apart. Anne __________________ Purse ban is officially over!!! My wishlist..... Black Blondie flap......It's here!!!! 4/8/2008 Chanel Cambon Tote w/accessories YSL black Mombasa (snagged a Vincennes bag)...it's here!! 6/16/08 Black Coach "Mandy" So many bags...so little time (and money)!!!

Feb 17th, 2008, 10:11 AM	#4
heartnaspade Ali Location: back in NYC	Re: I Have Had ENOUGH! I'm sorry, but all of your concerns sound fairly petty to me, especially if you're considering ending a 20 year friendship over them. She sounds like a good person - she's compassionate enough to feed wild animals and takes care of six of her own pets, and it doesn't sound like she's done anything to deliberately hurt or annoy you. Is it really that much for you to deal with a little mess that the raccoons make? I don't know, it sounds like you work long hours and maybe you are just stressed out in general, but is there more to this story that you aren't describing here? It sounds like you are resentful that you are paying for the house while she lives in it and only pays for the utilities and landscaping. If that's the case, then money has gotten in the way of your friendship and that really is a shame. Other than that, I really can't comprehend how some raccoon poop and a few extra cats could be causing this much strain on the relationship.

Feb 17th, 2008, 10:19 AM	#5
Florasun Member	Re: I Have Had ENOUGH! So basically you are subsidizing housing for someone who doesn't talk to you and makes you feel like crap, and you continue to do it because of your twenty year history. It's not like you can go up to her and say "Be nice to me or move out". She obviously will feel like she has some equity in the house (because of the labor and landscaping). Obviously I wasn't there for the original conversations, but did you guys decide if that gave her a share in the house, or it was in lieu of rent? I have a feeling you are not going to be able to get rid of her until you part with some cash. You're a lawyer - draw up a contract and ask her to sign. Say you need it for insurance or tax purposes. Or, you could say you are thinking of selling the house and moving, (without her) and see how much she asks for a buyout. __________________ The most important things in life aren't things at all!

Feb 17th, 2008, 10:42 AM	#6
wordpast Member Location: Never Never Land	Re: I Have Had ENOUGH! When was the last time you guys had a heart to heart? Maybe invite her up for dinner and tell her how you feel about everything? Try to rebuild the friendship. You do sound a tad but resentful about paying for the mortgage (what an good friend you are by the way!) and also for her staying with you for those 2 1/2 years. (was her BF living you you also?) Which to be honest is partly your fault because you allowed it. And people will do to you what you allow. Do you want to sell the house? Or do you want her gone? Either way, I don't know how well this can end. EDIT:Just reread about the raccoons. I agree with you on that. You didn't ask her to stop feeding them, just to clean up. That's the least she could have done. But now SHE is concern about the cat litter you may track. Which I understand, but yeah, she sounds selfish. __________________ Last edited by wordpast; Feb 17th, 2008 at 10:56 AM.

Feb 17th, 2008, 11:23 AM	#8
gacats love me some bags! Location: Georgia	Re: I Have Had ENOUGH! This is not what HOME is supposed to be like. I would start with having a long past due talk with her, try not to get into accusations, perhaps lay some ground rules out before you begin the discussion. The raccoons will have to stop though- I have to agree with that one. Good luck- you have to get this fixed soon, this is not good for your health. __________________ GaCats Proud Navy Mom My 2009 wish list: Chanel Ultimate Soft medium handbag in black Louis Vuitton Panda pochette ( in the works) Something Goyard- yeah, that'll happen.....

Feb 17th, 2008, 11:30 AM	#9
lulilu Member	Re: I Have Had ENOUGH! I assume she pays no rent? Just takes care of landscaping etc? If so, you owe her nothing. Tell her to straighten up or get out. It sounds like she has quite a deal.

Feb 17th, 2008, 12:05 PM	#10
gillianna Member	Re: I Have Had ENOUGH! Do you have any legal contract with her? What are your legal options to kick her out. It is your home. You own it and pay for it. She is basically a hostile tenant who does not talk to you (and not really a tenant because she does not pay rent and has access to your upstairs--I would want my place locked with out anyway she could get in) . I say get rid of her. If you picture the rest of your life living this way then you will continue to be taken advantage of. You are not her mother and have to take care of her and also have her treat you bad. Some friendships are not worth it.

Feb 17th, 2008, 12:32 PM	#11
risingsun Member Location: Virginia	Re: I Have Had ENOUGH! It sounds as if the friendship has already ended. You can try talking to her about what you need from her if she is to continue to live in your home. At this point, she should be paying her share of rent and utilities. As for feeding the racoons, that's just unacceptable. They can do a lot of damage around your house. That needs to stop now. It's probably time for her to leave and for you to enjoy the quiet comfort of your own home. You have been a friend to her...I can't say the same for her.

Feb 17th, 2008, 01:16 PM	#12
chodessa Hot Smot and Humble	Re: I Have Had ENOUGH! Unfortunately it's time for her to go....literally and probably figuratively. Sounds like there is a lot of anger and resentment here....the friendship may not be salvagable...but you never know...but it cannot be fixed until she leaves. Good Luck!!

Feb 17th, 2008, 01:16 PM	#13
Frances Bean Member	Re: I Have Had ENOUGH! I think owning more than 2 cats is a sure sign of mental instability. And having 6 of them is just unsanitary. Feeding raccoons? I've never heard of such a thing. I swirve into them if I'm driving at night. Anyway, is her name on the deed? What are your plans for the future? Starting a family? Would you want her to live with you then? She sounds very ungrateful. After what you've done for her, she's treating vermin better than she treats you. I would confront her.