I have a secret.....

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by candace117

How fitting I read this thread now. I JUST had a conversation with my coworker - she's good for bouncing ideas off of, and for talking about life with...and we were just talking about how hard it is to walk in someone else's shoes. I don't like to judge situations I hear about, because I usually don't know what it's like to be them. There's a few times where I have gone through the same thing, so I understand...but mostly, no. There's a lot of crazy stuff in the military, with relationships....it's stressful here, so it breaks up relationships and makes other ones stronger. So I see a lot of inappropriate things, and hear about it, and it makes my head spin because it is normalized almost. I feel compassion for the stuff I hear about, even though some of it involves infidelity and stuff with $$$.....some of it is really ugly....but in a way, I understand. We're all human and our condition is that we are not perfect. We don't always know ourselves as well as we'd like to, we don't always know the answer ahead of time. You've taken great steps towards knowing yourself better and being honest with yourself. That is HUGE. That is the first step towards being happy with yourself and I believe you can be.

Thank you Candace!!!! Hugs back to you!!!!!

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by nataliam1976

Aaargh I typed in a loooong post and I lost it. BagLadie, I got to know you a bit through your posts here, and I must say you came across to me as a very gentle, kind and compassionate person and I have always liked your approach and attitude towards other posters. This makes me believe that you are not just off making a huge change and issue within your closest family on a whim and that if you decided to do so, it took a lot of consideration and trying to fix it, weighing pros and cons and very much likely a lot of pain for you yourself as well. I am one of the kids who wished their parents had gotten a divorce and they didnt so I am all for making you and ultimately your husband as well ( let him find someone who will love him and appreciate him for who he is) happier people, even if it involves a lot of pain initially. Kids are kids and even if they cry because they miss dad or mum like one of the posters said, they are not aware that in the long run its better for them than seeing a loveless or ugly relationship of adults on daily basis. And even though everyone says you should take the guy you love out of the equation here, i dont understand how they can say that. Of course it will influence your decision at some level, after all its thanks to him that you found out for sure that your marriage is not exactly the way a true relationship could be like. So yes dont sacrifice it all just for him, but dont beat yourself up is he stays at the back of your mind as one of the reasons, its only normal. We only have one go at the life, I say good for you for trying to make the most of it and be happy - better late than never. Both you and your husband deserve it.

Thank you.

You know - it is hard to take this guy out of the equation. I do love him - it's not an infatuation or a crush - it's a real love. One that I have never felt for another human being, ever. But I will admit, even if he isn't there at the end of all this, I will be a happier person just by being on my own and not with someone I don't love.

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by BAGLADY-SHOEFLY

Okay so heres the thing, I was raised by my grandparents who came from the era of "stay together no matter what", and all I can say is thank goodness those days are over! Every expert says it and being a product of it I can tell you a child would rather come from a broken home than live in one. That being said you cannot live your life for someone else or to spare someones feelings or by not doing what you feel and living the life you were meant too. I think all of us in the end would like to look back and say I have no regrets, and it sounds like if you dont follow your heart right now you will be living a life long regret. Just know for your story there are 1000s out there feeling the same plight and even more who are trying to gain the courage to take the step you already have. For those women and even men you are triumphant and your heart and mind will be back on the same page one day and you will be right where all this had lead you. Whole. If you ever need to chat or vent I will listen

Thank you. That means a lot to me.

[GirlFriday]

Ann, thanks for reading my post and not getting defensive. I appreciate you understanding that I wanted to bring another side to the equation. If you do proceed to divorce, I hope you and your husband work together and get along well for the kids' sake (which I'm sure you will, because it sounds like you get along pretty well now; no arguing and such). I do hope everything works out for the best, and if you need to talk, feel free to PM me.

[lorihmatthews]

One of my closest friends has stayed with her husband after he had an affair that lasted over a year. They have 2 kids. She says she will stay with him until her youngest is 18 (about 7 now), and then she will leave him to find someone else to really love. I find this to be really heartbreaking. She says her marriage is OK, and the kids love her husband (their dad). She thinks this is the right thing to do. Her husband as far as I know has no idea of her plans. I support her but I feel awful that she's going to postpone her happiness for that many years.

I have had so many life changing experiences in the past few years, and many of them have been quite painful. If there's anything that I've learned from them, it's that I always need to look forward and plan for the future, even if the present isn't quite what I expected. And that often includes Plan B when Plan A doesn't pan out.

That said, don't stay stagnant and forfeit your life, for even one day. Even if you can't change things today you must know you have the resilience to change things one day.

[pinkybear]

Ive read many of your posts and have come to respect your insights here in the relationship&family forum. Life is about making difficult choices. I really believe no one wants to intentionally break anyone's heart. I don't agree with divorce and I believe it should only be used as a last resort but maybe getting a divorce in your situation is a good thing. Maybe your husband isn't happy either but is too chicken to say anything. I'm sure the lack of intimacy is hard for him. I wish you happiness whatever your decision might be.

[hairsprayhead]

This is the most honest and introspective post I have ever read on here. I'm sorry for your situation, but it is refreshing to see someone post something so difficult, and admit to their own wrongdoings and mistakes. No one is perfect, we've all made mistakes. You don't need to apologize to anyone over the situation- it is what it is, and you're now taking the steps to fix it.

My gramma married my grandpa because it is who her family wanted her to marry. She never really loved him, he never really loved her. They finally divorced when my mom was in her 20's, and it came out a few years ago that my gramma had a "lover", a soul mate that lived several hundred miles away before she met my grandpa. Her parents didn't approve, which is why she didn't marry him. He would send her love letters.

She kept those love letters from her true love for almost 60 years now. She still has them.

She started crying the day my twin sister got married, crying because she admitted to us she married the wrong man and it was the biggest regret of her life...not being with the one she truly loved. She's 76 years old and feels like her life has been one big regret (with a few great things, don't get me wrong, like her kids and grandkids) but yikes.

It's heartbreaking. :(

[Baby Boo]

dont apologise for your post or on how you feel..

you cant control who you love or how you love them.. and you have tried with your husband and it hasnt worked so that doesnt make you a failure..
i think its better to be happy alone then unhappy withsomeone for the sake of others..

it doesnt sound weird to me how you feel about your husband i feel like that at times too... but yours has manifested for years which is a sign you should get out

im sorry if what im writing doesnt make sense im just trying to get down what im thinking..

my heart goes out to you its not an easy situation to be in

[msJenna]

Follow your heart obviously but try not to rush things after the divorce.

It will probably really hurt the kids and your soon to be ex husband :(

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by hairsprayhead

This is the most honest and introspective post I have ever read on here. I'm sorry for your situation, but it is refreshing to see someone post something so difficult, and admit to their own wrongdoings and mistakes. No one is perfect, we've all made mistakes. You don't need to apologize to anyone over the situation- it is what it is, and you're now taking the steps to fix it. My gramma married my grandpa because it is who her family wanted her to marry. She never really loved him, he never really loved her. They finally divorced when my mom was in her 20's, and it came out a few years ago that my gramma had a "lover", a soul mate that lived several hundred miles away before she met my grandpa. Her parents didn't approve, which is why she didn't marry him. He would send her love letters. She kept those love letters from her true love for almost 60 years now. She still has them. She started crying the day my twin sister got married, crying because she admitted to us she married the wrong man and it was the biggest regret of her life...not being with the one she truly loved. She's 76 years old and feels like her life has been one big regret (with a few great things, don't get me wrong, like her kids and grandkids) but yikes. It's heartbreaking. :(

Wow what a story. Even though I wasn't forced to marry this guy - I feel like I did make a mistake. I am terrifed of looking back on my life and thinking "why didn't I leave while I was still relatively young? What could my life have been like?"

Thanks everyone again. Reading all your posts helps so much somehow. I appreciate all of you.

[TopGirl]

Note: this is my opinion. i am an honest and straight forward person so please don't shoot me lol



I feel sorry for the husband and kids. I do not know you and i know you are having a hard time but his thread kinds of makes me sad about relationships all together:(.

Maybe I just have a different perception of what relationships are? I mean marrying him when you didn't love him, cheating on him and not wanting to make any effort? Did you fake your excitement aka deceive him? did you already know your marriage was going to fail but went into it?

wow I would seriously hate and resent forever a man that would do that to me. No offense to you but that is just shocking for me.

But you have already convinced yourself that you want out so you should probably divorce. No one can make you happy, but yourself and from what you have written he hasn't done anything wrong.

I doubt that you will find what you want with another guy and hope you rethink your expectations of what a partner can bring you in life.

[Samia]

Everyone makes mistakes, that does not make you a failure. I am glad that you have realized what you want and are going to go for it, thats really brave of you. I haven't been in your situation so I don't really know how you feel but I hope the best for you, your kids and everyone else in this situation, life has a way of working itself out somehow.

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by TopGirl

Note: this is my opinion. i am an honest and straight forward person so please don't shoot me lol I feel sorry for the husband and kids. I do not know you and i know you are having a hard time but his thread kinds of makes me sad about relationships all together:(. Maybe I just have a different perception of what relationships are? I mean marrying him when you didn't love him, cheating on him and not wanting to make any effort? Did you fake your excitement aka deceive him? did you already know your marriage was going to fail but went into it? wow I would seriously hate and resent forever a man that would do that to me. No offense to you but that is just shocking for me. But you have already convinced yourself that you want out so you should probably divorce. No one can make you happy, but yourself and from what you have written he hasn't done anything wrong. I doubt that you will find what you want with another guy and hope you rethink your expectations of what a partner can bring you in life.

I appreciate your honesty and directness.

I never went into my marriage with fake excitement or with the plan to deceive him. I went into it hoping that it would last forever. I was 25 and so ready (or so I thought) to get married. i wanted that lifestyle badly. I dated all the wrong men before my husband. He was the perfect "marrying type" and I really thought I loved him. But I had doubts and pushed them aside. I worked really hard at making him happy. Our first year was the worst - we realized how different we are and fought all the time. But we worked on it. I didn't want my marriage to fail. I thought I just had too high of expectations and that I needed to grow up.

We had 3 kids and I consumed myself with them. I was all about being a mom and put the unhappiness of my marriage to the side. We got along and just raised our babies. Then it hit me. I looked at him and realized I have tried SO much - dealt with SO much. I began to realize that when he went away and it was just me and the kids, I wasn't stressed or unhappy. When he just walks into the room I feel like it's a black cloud.

Any attraction I might have ever had (and I don't think I really did but again, thought this was MY problem and that I needed to grow up because he was a good guy) completely disappeared. I don't even like the way this man SMELLS. He is a clean person, showers everyday etc. But there is such a lack of chemistry between us that even his clothes in our closet have an offensive odor to me. I know that sounds mean, again, he isn't a dirty person - it's just so much that I have realized isn't there.

Is any of this making sense?

I know a lot of you think I have given no effort into my marriage and that this other man is wrong. I have been a good wife and tried so hard. I never looked for another man. I used to think I was a decent and moral person. I never went into this marriage hoping it would fail. I had high hopes like everyone else. This other person only made me realize what it REALLY feels like to love someone. I never knew. It's made me realize I have been missing out on real love.

All I have in my marriage is a roommate. He thinks by providing me with a nice house, cars, etc I should be happy. I'm not. I would rather have nothing and be happy then have everything and be miserable.

[misschbby]

i was in a awful marriage for years my ex literally kicked the love out of me . i stayed because it was indoctrinated in me for years not to quit and that none of my family had divorced plus my kids love their dad . Like you at first i looked for another to save me from this but eventually i realised two things
1. you have to leave without another involved in any way
2. if you can look your children in the eye and tell them you tried everything to make the marriage work and it wasnt enough i feel you are free to move on .
there is no point becoming a martyr for the sake of your kids they will not thank you for it later

i wish you this best with whatever decision you make.and i know how hard this is believe me x

[BagLadie]

I know my marriage can't be saved. I envy people that go to therapy with the hopes of getting back what they had. I don't want anything back. It was never there to begin with. I look at him and know I will never want to be in his arms, ever. I know I could never kiss his lips. This has NOTHING to do with any other man. Trust me. This has to do with me and him. I wish I could love him and have everything be perfect. But it's not and I know it won't be. You can't just get an attraction to someone if it's not there. And it's not just about attraction - or lack there of.
I don't enjoy his company. He doesn't make me laugh. We are very different. Music is an important part of my life and he could take it or leave it. We rarely see eye to eye on how to raise the kids. We are just different. I thought that was a good quality 14 years ago. But it's not. I feel like I am living with a roommate and I want more than a roommate to grow old with.