I have a secret.....

[orange_angel]

What to do, or not do, it's tricky. But it's great that you have realised that there has to be a change in your life (no one deserves to be unhappy) and decided to do something about it and to be honest about it. No one but you can know the best solution for you and your kids.

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by GirlFriday

Bag Ladie, Maybe I just shouldn't write. I don't know...I don't want to have you be offended, but at the same time, I do think that someone should say something, even if it's something you don't want to hear, and even if it's something that won't change your mind. Your post as really struck a cord with me. My Dad left my mom for the exact same reasons, and he regretted it. I wasn't going to write anything at first, but I've thought about it for awhile and thought maybe somebody should say something. It seems like your husband is doing everything it takes to make it work, but you've already made up your mind to leave, so you're not really making all the effort you should. Yes, I'm sure you've made an effort, but how much effort have you really made with this other guy in the picture? You said you haven't been with your husband physically in years even though he wants to be intimate. To me, that doesn't seem like trying. And I think it is because of this other man. Even if he's out of the picture right now, you are still in love with him, so you think about him all the time. You want to be with him eventually, probably once the divorce is final. So not seeing him for a few months (or even a couple of years) isn't really going to take away those feelings. And honestly, not until you make the decision to never see him ever again, and commit to your marriage, does your current marriage even have a shot of making it (although you've already made your decision). And honestly, I think you should give it your best shot because you owe that to your husband AND your children. I know that divorce IS necessary in some circumstances, but to leave a husband that loves you and rip up the lives of three children just because you want to be happy? I'll say it, it just sounds kind of selfish. Because it's more than just about you. Yes, children want their mother to be happy, but if they love their father, and see that he loves you and you're just not really giving anything back (and really not even trying to love him), they're not going to think, "well at least she's happy!" They're going to feel pretty crappy for their dad. I say you should try to love, because love is a feeling at first, and once those giddy feelings subside, it's an action. It's a choice to love someone. This man that you're in love with, that you think is your soul mate, will not be so dreamy once you live with him for a few years, because you are infatuated with him now. And really, did you really never love your husband? You don't seem to sure about that. When someone says that they never loved someone, is that really always true? Did you really ONLY marry him because your parents liked him and you wanted to marry SOMEONE? There wasn't more there? Don't you remember why you found him attractive in the first place? Why you dated him in the first place? The reason I say this, is because with the other guy in the picture, your husband doesn't stand a chance. If you compare the two men, of COURSE this other guy is going to come out on top! You've never been married to him, you've never lived with him. He's totally dreamy compared to your husband who you've known and lived with and raised children with for the past 15 years. Even if you loved your husband it would be like like trying to compare apples and oranges when it comes to your feelings about them. I say this knowing full well I don't know the WHOLE story, and that all of us think differently when it comes to divorce. I'm basing my opinion on just the information that was given. But when reading your posts, I don't see a good reason to divorce your husband, other than the fact that you're not happy. But see, nobody can make you happy but yourself. Not your husband, not this other guy. It's your decision. I love your posts Bag Ladie, and I have respect for you, that's why I have to tell you what I think instead of just telling you how courageous you are. Yes, it will be hard to tell your family what your decision is, but once you're with this new guy, I don't know how enjoyable it will be to be with him knowing what you will have done to your husband and kids. Yes, kids shouldn't witness an unloving marriage, but you have the choice to love your husband! That's why I say, you owe it to your kids to give it your best effort. Okay, Bag Ladie, I hope I didn't totally offend you. I'm just being honest. And I know I'll probably get totally flamed. But that's okay. We all feel differently about these subjects. I wish you the best.

I love your post. It's a lot to swallow so give me some time to respond. You make a world of sense - and trust me - it makes me think about all this in a different way.

I went out with my husband last night and told him how I am feeling. I was honest and upfront. It's been a whirlwind of a 24 hours for me. I have a lot on my plate right now but will respond to this post as soon as I can. I want you to know I am not offended - I appreciate your words and am not getting defensive towards them.

Will write more when I get a chance. And you are right - I need to put this other man out of my head because it's impossible to think clearly with him always there.

[vhdos]

^Great response BagLadie. I'm sure you had a very difficult time last night, but I'm glad that you were able to tell you DH how you feel.

[BagLadie]

Ok just read and caught up with the rest of all your posts. (Btw my name is Ann! :))

I have known my husband all my life. Literally. We were in school together from the first grade up. Our families have always been close. We were friends for so long. I never felt anything romantic towards him.
When I was in my early 20's I broke up with my b/f and hung out with this guy - he was everything I wanted in a husband - secure, safe, kind, etc. I wasn't very attracted to him but I was young and thought that wasn't everything in a relationship anyway.
My family was thrilled! Finally I was with someone that they approved of!

Long story short - I never felt a strong love for him. More like how you love your brother. The sex was always awful - because I never felt that chemistry at all. I DID TRY FOR YEARS. I figured having kids would bring us closer. I consumed myself with being a mommy. We didn't get closer - if anything it made my marriage worse. But, again, I figured that was the way it was.

Fast forward many years later. I meet this guy who I instantly have a connection with. Mind you, my husband and I have nothing in common and are very different. He is money oriented, a bit of a snob, very conservative. So I meet this guy that I have everything in common with and a very strong connection with. The chemistry is so strong it could be cut with a knife.

Has this other guy swayed my decision? Definitely. But - I have been in therapy and have grown to realize without my husband in my life, I am a happier person. I can't seem to find any feelings of love for him. I LOVE him - but like you love a family member. It's just not how I want to love my husband. I want more. There is so much I could tell all of you but it's too difficult to type everything right now. But trust me - I have tried to make this work. I really have. I am not clouded by this other man - I can't leave my husband for him. I refuse to do that. This is about me and my marriage.

My children don't see two happy people. They don't see us hug and kiss. They don't see mom very happy at all. I fear more for them if we stay married because maybe this is what they will think married couples are like?? I certainly hope they are happier than this.

Please, none of you be afraid to offend me. I need to hear all opinions, I do. I am scared for my kids most of all. They are the most important ones to me right now. I can survive anything - but would die for them. They are paramount right now.



And for the record....I know "soulmates" means different things to different people. Maybe it's me being dramatic (I tend to get that way). But I truly love this other man. With all my heart and soul. He makes me...happy. But if he isn't there at the end of all this....then that is something I will have to live with and get over. I am thinking more about ME and my kids now. And my husband.
But I also truly believe if I don't change my own path - then I will wake up one day in 20 years with that "what if?" feeling.
Anyone ever see Bridges of Madison County??? Well my hand has been on that car door handle for so long. I don't want to end up like her. I don't want to be sad anymore.

[exotikittenx]

BagLadie, I just want to commend you because it takes a lot to admit all of this and I know you're trying to figure things out. It must be terribly difficult for you. I also want to point out that the new guy was "with you" while you were married. I think that is also something to consider that he got himself involved with a married woman. I know you've made mistakes and feel guilty for them, but does he? Is he single or married?

I also think you should think if this is really worth it to put your children through this. They will be shocked and devastated and probably never the same. I think children should be protected as much as possible throughout their childhood and things are worth sacrificing so they can have a happy and innocent life. A lot of children change, and perhaps not for the better when their parents divorce and they are of a young age. You would probably need to have them see a therapist. So just ask yourself if what you are going through is worth that for them, or if staying in the situation would be more detrimental to their health than you leaving.

[BagLadie]

^^ which is why I haven't ended my marriage yet. It's all about them to me. They are the only things I have ever done right in my life and I don't want to be selfish and sacrifice their well being all for my own happiness.

This other guy is single. To be honest - he has waited for so long - walked away from this many times - I have killed a big part of his soul. That's another story - and a long one. I get what you're saying though - being with me probably doesn't say too much about him. BUt it's a long story - and one I would like to share when I have more time and energy.

[amanda]

I've expressed the bulk of my opinion previously, but I just wanted to point out that it's really great that you've sought therapy over this. A professional is going to get to the bottom of your feelings and advise you on what's best in your specific situation and for the emotional well-being of your children much better than any of us can. That in and of itself is a really huge step in the right direction. If things start heading in the direction of divorce, maybe consider getting your kids a therapist or someone to talk to as well - that would probably help ease the transition immensely.

My parents are still together and seem pretty happy most of the time, but I remember whenever they would fight or argue as a kid, I would always think to myself that they should do what they need to do in order to stop arguing so much. My perception of the situation was probably skewed - looking back, I don't think they were arguing all that much and I was probably just sensitive to the issue of divorce because of media exposure. But I remember it being very difficult when I was 9 or 10 to see my parents unhappy in any way, but maybe that was just me.

[BagLadie]

^^ Thing is, we don't argue all that much. It's not horrible at home. It's just that I don't feel love or passion towards him. At all. I could continue to stay like this for my kids' sake - but I am so not happy. I need and want to be in a loving relationbship. I need happiness. I don't want to grow old with someone I don't want to even touch.

[orange_angel]

I believe that it's important for kids to have happy parents, so in a way your thinking about them when your thinking of yourself. And as you said you don't want your children to grow up and think that marriage has to be like the one your having right now.

[nataliam1976]

Aaargh I typed in a loooong post and I lost it.

BagLadie, I got to know you a bit through your posts here, and I must say you came across to me as a very gentle, kind and compassionate person and I have always liked your approach and attitude towards other posters. This makes me believe that you are not just off making a huge change and issue within your closest family on a whim and that if you decided to do so, it took a lot of consideration and trying to fix it, weighing pros and cons and very much likely a lot of pain for you yourself as well.

I am one of the kids who wished their parents had gotten a divorce and they didnt so I am all for making you and ultimately your husband as well ( let him find someone who will love him and appreciate him for who he is) happier people, even if it involves a lot of pain initially. Kids are kids and even if they cry because they miss dad or mum like one of the posters said, they are not aware that in the long run its better for them than seeing a loveless or ugly relationship of adults on daily basis.

And even though everyone says you should take the guy you love out of the equation here, i dont understand how they can say that. Of course it will influence your decision at some level, after all its thanks to him that you found out for sure that your marriage is not exactly the way a true relationship could be like. So yes dont sacrifice it all just for him, but dont beat yourself up is he stays at the back of your mind as one of the reasons, its only normal.

We only have one go at the life, I say good for you for trying to make the most of it and be happy - better late than never. Both you and your husband deserve it.

[BAGLADY-SHOEFLY]

Okay so heres the thing, I was raised by my grandparents who came from the era of "stay together no matter what", and all I can say is thank goodness those days are over! Every expert says it and being a product of it I can tell you a child would rather come from a broken home than live in one. That being said you cannot live your life for someone else or to spare someones feelings or by not doing what you feel and living the life you were meant too. I think all of us in the end would like to look back and say I have no regrets, and it sounds like if you dont follow your heart right now you will be living a life long regret. Just know for your story there are 1000s out there feeling the same plight and even more who are trying to gain the courage to take the step you already have. For those women and even men you are triumphant and your heart and mind will be back on the same page one day and you will be right where all this had lead you. Whole. If you ever need to chat or vent I will listen

[CCfor C]

Well, I didn't read all the posts. I applaud you for choosing to tell us. That takes courage. No one is in a position to judge. Remember that song..."walk a mile in my shoes, yes, before you abuse, criticize and accuse, walk a mile in my shoes..."

So I just want you to be prepared for the really tough months ahead. It will not be pleasant. And you are going to have to be extremely strong. So try to remember that with choices come not so pleasant consequences...which I'm sure you're aware of. Good luck!!!

[baby&melovelv]

oh ANN!!!

If you ever need anything, let me know- I'll drive right down and meet up with you and chat!

I really think that you do need to be happy. It won't be easy, and it won't be easy to do, but you do deserve to be happy and live, not tolerate and survive.

i taught hs for many years and the topic of divorce and parents came up often. I was surprised at how many students would tell me that they were GLAD their parents divorced. At the time it was tough- an adjustment- but in the end, it was for the best- everyone was happier.

my cousin and her husband just split up for the *exact* reasons you desceibed. They have 3 kids. The kids had a hard time, and are still adjusting, but she is worlds happier now and therefore, the kids are as well, as they don't have a distraught mom. SHe chose to be alone than with him. Her thoughts- life is too short.

hope to see you/talk to you soon, ann! you are in my thoughts & prayers!!!

[candace117]

How fitting I read this thread now. I JUST had a conversation with my coworker - she's good for bouncing ideas off of, and for talking about life with...and we were just talking about how hard it is to walk in someone else's shoes. I don't like to judge situations I hear about, because I usually don't know what it's like to be them. There's a few times where I have gone through the same thing, so I understand...but mostly, no.
There's a lot of crazy stuff in the military, with relationships....it's stressful here, so it breaks up relationships and makes other ones stronger. So I see a lot of inappropriate things, and hear about it, and it makes my head spin because it is normalized almost. I feel compassion for the stuff I hear about, even though some of it involves infidelity and stuff with $$$.....some of it is really ugly....but in a way, I understand. We're all human and our condition is that we are not perfect. We don't always know ourselves as well as we'd like to, we don't always know the answer ahead of time.

You've taken great steps towards knowing yourself better and being honest with yourself. That is HUGE. That is the first step towards being happy with yourself and I believe you can be.

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by baby&melovelv

oh ANN!!! If you ever need anything, let me know- I'll drive right down and meet up with you and chat! I really think that you do need to be happy. It won't be easy, and it won't be easy to do, but you do deserve to be happy and live, not tolerate and survive. i taught hs for many years and the topic of divorce and parents came up often. I was surprised at how many students would tell me that they were GLAD their parents divorced. At the time it was tough- an adjustment- but in the end, it was for the best- everyone was happier. my cousin and her husband just split up for the *exact* reasons you desceibed. They have 3 kids. The kids had a hard time, and are still adjusting, but she is worlds happier now and therefore, the kids are as well, as they don't have a distraught mom. SHe chose to be alone than with him. Her thoughts- life is too short. hope to see you/talk to you soon, ann! you are in my thoughts & prayers!!!

Thank you Mel!!! You have become such a good friend - and I appreciate your concern - you knew something was up with me before I even posted this (your pm is what prompted me to spill the beans!)

We will talk soon - and thank you again - you are the absolute BEST! XOXOXOX