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BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:30 PM

My kids are first and foremost in my life. I will NOT be with this other guy for a long time. I would never move in with him or vice versa for a long time. I fully expect to be "on my own" for a while.

My brother knows - he has been paramount in my life this week. My parents know I haven't been happy but they don't know to what extent. They are going to be shocked, hurt, disappointed in me. I am very scared to tell them.

My brother is 100% supportive and is there for me all the way. Thank god for good friends and family.

dusty paws · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:32 PM

That takes guts. I applaud you.

BL I wish you only the best - life is too short to spend it unhappy.

merika · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:35 PM

Sorry if I wasn't very forthcoming at first, I'm really well acquainted with a couple in the same situation as you are in. Pretty much the same story. She's a bit more far along than you are, though...she's moved in with the other guy. She too said she wanted to be happy, didn't care about the money - but when the guy was not as supportive as she assumed he would be and she had to break into her retirement fund to support herself she did care about the money. I also know both people really well, so it was hard for me to say "Do what makes you happy" to her because I knew that her doing what made her happy made her husband and children very unhappy for a very long time. Also sometimes very placid and loving spouses make very bad exes...be prepared for legal issues regarding the kids.

So I hope things go well with you, and you are careful with how you proceed, especially with regard to the children.

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:36 PM

[QUOTE=dusty paws;11580989 life is too short to spend it unhappy.[/QUOTE]

These are the words that help me so much. Thank you.

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:39 PM

Originally Posted by merika

Sorry if I wasn't very forthcoming at first, I'm really well acquainted with a couple in the same situation as you are in. Pretty much the same story. She's a bit more far along than you are, though...she's moved in with the other guy. She too said she wanted to be happy, didn't care about the money - but when the guy was not as supportive as she assumed he would be and she had to break into her retirement fund to support herself she did care about the money. I also know both people really well, so it was hard for me to say "Do what makes you happy" to her because I knew that her doing what made her happy made her husband and children very unhappy for a very long time. Also sometimes very placid and loving spouses make very bad exes...be prepared for legal issues regarding the kids.

So I hope things go well with you, and you are careful with how you proceed, especially with regard to the children.

I do appreciate this advice. I will not be moving in with this guy for quite some time. My kids will need time to adjust. I can't imagine them seeing mom with someone new right away. And I do need to think about their security as well as their well being. I have no idea how all this will play out - but right now, as much as I miss him, I have to put guy #2 out of my mind and fix my life.

Just a quick edit: I am not certain I WILL be moving in with this guy - I have hopes he will be there for me when all is said and done - but one never knows. I will not uproot my kids either or make their lives anymore difficult than it needs to be. As much as I want to make myself happy - I also have to think of them. After I "fix" my life I will see where the road takes me. God willing it will be with this man that I truly love with all my heart.

vhdos · Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:33 PM

Originally Posted by amanda

I agree that we've had a double standard in the past, but to me, I think that means many in this section may have been too harsh in the past. Like I posted previously, this is a good reminder that these situations have a great deal of nuance and there's usually not one party singularly at fault, and that the person ending the marriage or having feelings for another person doesn't necessarily do so blithely or without consideration for the other person. We tend to take the side of women here, because most of us are women, and I think that this is a good reminder that not all transgressors are evil and not all situations have a clear person to blame. A lot of situations are just sad and unfortunate, no matter how you slice them, and moving on from those situations is important no matter which party we're talking to.

This is exactly the point I was trying to make by playing devil's advocate. I brought it up because I think it's an important reminder that we shouldn't be so quick to judge. Often times, these situations are much more complex.
There is another side to this story that is not heard. There is a husband, who's wife married him but never truly loved him (as the OP said herself). Again, I am not judging. I'm sure that the husband in this situation is not perfect either, and I fully agree that it takes two people to make or break a relationship.
I feel for this family and hope that everything turns out for the best. It takes a very strong person to realize that divorce is the best course of action for herself and for her family.

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:36 PM

Oh there is two sides to this story. I haven't been the best wife. I am not loving or all that kind - because I don't feel it. I take care of all the "needs" in the house and put on a pretty good show - you would never think there was any problems in my house.
He hasn't been the perfect husband by any means but this is more about my lack of feelings for him than anything.

Roo · Jul 3rd, 2009, 02:12 PM

Originally Posted by BagLadie

He is not married (divorced). And I agree with what you have said. I am not leaving one for another. This is about me and my husband. I am doing this for me - whether I am alone at the end of this or not. (I would rather be alone then married to someone I don't love).

Good for you, BL!!!!!

dearmissie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 03:41 PM

How old are your kids BL??

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 04:00 PM

My oldest son is 11 1/2.........my middle son is 9.....and my little girl is 6 1/2.

Roxana · Jul 3rd, 2009, 04:30 PM

I think it is very brave of you to take this step. And very brave to tell us in openness, honesty is just really best and you can and should be yourself here on the forum. No need for a show..

You know, my mother has waited with leaving my dad untill just recently and we were all grown up and on ourselves. She never wanted to be a struggling single mom and wanted for us to have both our parents. I'm thankful in a way she made this sacrifice but at the same time I wish she would have made the decision a lot sooner. Now my mom is not happy either, she thinks it is too late (she's over 60) to find a new love and she doesn't seem to want to look for it either and I find she complaints about the things she never did. My dad never wanted my mom to leave and I hate that it is harder for him too to find a good new relationship now.

I just want to say, it is really couragious of you to leave now and not let it go on forever. You can still make something wonderful of your life with the passion and love you need and deserve...
I wish you a lot of strength!

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 04:41 PM

^^ wow. powerful post. thank you.

I always thought my parents had the perfect marriage. They never fought and it was an ideal childhood for me. They are still married and have been for almost 50 years. Now that I am grown and a bit more insightful - I wonder how happy my mother has been. You just never know.

As much as part of me thinks maybe I could hang in there another 10 years - let my kids grow up with two parents living at home - I would just be miserable. I think especially knowing that I have the greatest guy out there waiting for me (and he is the greatest....but I can't get into that now). What good will I be doing my children by being sad and unhappy? I don't want to live for my kids only - I have to make myself happy first - and in turn I think THAT will make my kids happy.
I have their best interests at heart. I cherish them and they are my entire life. I will never let them fall through the cracks. They are wonderful, happy kids - and I think they will be able to survive this. I am just SCARED AS HELL.

Deep breath. I can do this. And it's nice to know I even have the support of all my wonderful virtual friends.

Btw, thanks to all who have sent me pm's today. It's been very helpful and inspiring.

Roxana · Jul 3rd, 2009, 04:50 PM

you are so right, your kids will not benefit if you stay in a loveless marriage just for their sake. As long as you give them the attention and love they need, it will only be better for them to learn that life is not predictable.
I am firm believer in following one's heart, that will fullfill your life (and those around you) the most. And it is not as if you are doing this without any thought or just decided to stop loving (both physically as mentally) your husband just recently. You have been in this process a long time and it is time to do something about it.
I think it only logical you are scared, but luckily you have friends and family (you said your brother especially) that will help you get through it...

jellybebe · Jul 3rd, 2009, 04:57 PM

I think that what you are admitting and doing is very brave. I agree that staying just for the sake of the children isn't going to benefit them too much in the long run - they must sense the tension between the two of you. I think that you are well on your way to figuring out what makes you happy and I also think it's a good thing that you are being realistic about what may or may not happen with the "other guy" (sorry to use that term). I wish you all the best!

twin53 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:53 PM

i read this last night and thought of you:

there are no failures in life, just lessons.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:30 PM	#76
BagLadie OP Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 6,997	My kids are first and foremost in my life. I will NOT be with this other guy for a long time. I would never move in with him or vice versa for a long time. I fully expect to be "on my own" for a while. My brother knows - he has been paramount in my life this week. My parents know I haven't been happy but they don't know to what extent. They are going to be shocked, hurt, disappointed in me. I am very scared to tell them. My brother is 100% supportive and is there for me all the way. Thank god for good friends and family.
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:32 PM	#77
dusty paws Prada&BalAddict Joined: Sep 2006 Location: San Francisco Posts: 9,053	That takes guts. I applaud you. BL I wish you only the best - life is too short to spend it unhappy.
	__________________ The Chinchillas \| My bag collection \| Flickr

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:35 PM	#78
merika Mr Lau reigns Joined: Nov 2006 Location: In front of a computer Posts: 8,916	Sorry if I wasn't very forthcoming at first, I'm really well acquainted with a couple in the same situation as you are in. Pretty much the same story. She's a bit more far along than you are, though...she's moved in with the other guy. She too said she wanted to be happy, didn't care about the money - but when the guy was not as supportive as she assumed he would be and she had to break into her retirement fund to support herself she did care about the money. I also know both people really well, so it was hard for me to say "Do what makes you happy" to her because I knew that her doing what made her happy made her husband and children very unhappy for a very long time. Also sometimes very placid and loving spouses make very bad exes...be prepared for legal issues regarding the kids. So I hope things go well with you, and you are careful with how you proceed, especially with regard to the children.
	__________________ "Hatred does not cease by hatred at any time: hatred ceases by love, this is an old rule." --The Dhammapada

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:36 PM	#79
BagLadie OP Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 6,997	[QUOTE=dusty paws;11580989 life is too short to spend it unhappy.[/QUOTE] These are the words that help me so much. Thank you.
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:36 PM	#82
BagLadie OP Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 6,997	Oh there is two sides to this story. I haven't been the best wife. I am not loving or all that kind - because I don't feel it. I take care of all the "needs" in the house and put on a pretty good show - you would never think there was any problems in my house. He hasn't been the perfect husband by any means but this is more about my lack of feelings for him than anything.
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 03:41 PM	#84
dearmissie formerly oo0ehxtahcee0oo Joined: Aug 2007 Location: After a much needed break, I'M BACK!! Posts: 7,269	How old are your kids BL??
	__________________ [His shirt says it all!! Click photo to read thread!] www,dearmissie.blogspot.com updated:11/03

Jul 3rd, 2009, 04:00 PM	#85
BagLadie OP Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 6,997	My oldest son is 11 1/2.........my middle son is 9.....and my little girl is 6 1/2.
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 04:30 PM	#86
Roxana ♥ Joined: Feb 2007 Location: Europe Posts: 3,254	I think it is very brave of you to take this step. And very brave to tell us in openness, honesty is just really best and you can and should be yourself here on the forum. No need for a show.. You know, my mother has waited with leaving my dad untill just recently and we were all grown up and on ourselves. She never wanted to be a struggling single mom and wanted for us to have both our parents. I'm thankful in a way she made this sacrifice but at the same time I wish she would have made the decision a lot sooner. Now my mom is not happy either, she thinks it is too late (she's over 60) to find a new love and she doesn't seem to want to look for it either and I find she complaints about the things she never did. My dad never wanted my mom to leave and I hate that it is harder for him too to find a good new relationship now. I just want to say, it is really couragious of you to leave now and not let it go on forever. You can still make something wonderful of your life with the passion and love you need and deserve... I wish you a lot of strength!
Roxana ♥ Joined: Feb 2007 Location: Europe Posts: 3,254	__________________ B.Sc.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 04:41 PM	#87
BagLadie OP Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 6,997	^^ wow. powerful post. thank you. I always thought my parents had the perfect marriage. They never fought and it was an ideal childhood for me. They are still married and have been for almost 50 years. Now that I am grown and a bit more insightful - I wonder how happy my mother has been. You just never know. As much as part of me thinks maybe I could hang in there another 10 years - let my kids grow up with two parents living at home - I would just be miserable. I think especially knowing that I have the greatest guy out there waiting for me (and he is the greatest....but I can't get into that now). What good will I be doing my children by being sad and unhappy? I don't want to live for my kids only - I have to make myself happy first - and in turn I think THAT will make my kids happy. I have their best interests at heart. I cherish them and they are my entire life. I will never let them fall through the cracks. They are wonderful, happy kids - and I think they will be able to survive this. I am just SCARED AS HELL. Deep breath. I can do this. And it's nice to know I even have the support of all my wonderful virtual friends. Btw, thanks to all who have sent me pm's today. It's been very helpful and inspiring.
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 04:50 PM	#88
Roxana ♥ Joined: Feb 2007 Location: Europe Posts: 3,254	you are so right, your kids will not benefit if you stay in a loveless marriage just for their sake. As long as you give them the attention and love they need, it will only be better for them to learn that life is not predictable. I am firm believer in following one's heart, that will fullfill your life (and those around you) the most. And it is not as if you are doing this without any thought or just decided to stop loving (both physically as mentally) your husband just recently. You have been in this process a long time and it is time to do something about it. I think it only logical you are scared, but luckily you have friends and family (you said your brother especially) that will help you get through it...
Roxana ♥ Joined: Feb 2007 Location: Europe Posts: 3,254	__________________ B.Sc.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 04:57 PM	#89
jellybebe loves pink!!! Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Canada Posts: 8,018	I think that what you are admitting and doing is very brave. I agree that staying just for the sake of the children isn't going to benefit them too much in the long run - they must sense the tension between the two of you. I think that you are well on your way to figuring out what makes you happy and I also think it's a good thing that you are being realistic about what may or may not happen with the "other guy" (sorry to use that term). I wish you all the best!
	__________________ Looking for an astro Prada Fairy bowler. Please PM if you see an authentic one! <3

Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:53 PM	#90
twin53 Member Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,177	i read this last night and thought of you: there are no failures in life, just lessons.
twin53 Member Joined: Jan 2007 Posts: 4,177

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