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vhdos · Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:56 AM

Originally Posted by Charles

I don't think that's a fair comparison. She's not having an affair, rather venting to us about how she's realizing that her marriage is a facade and how it needs to end. She clearly stated that she backed away from the current "friendship" she has with this other man, in order to help her see things clearly.
This is reality. Sometimes marriages just don't work, and sometimes they need to end. That seems to be the case here. To me, it takes a strong person to break out of something comfortable and take a direction not yet charted. So many people whine and complain about life and how things suck, yet never do anything about it. BagLadie is doing something about it. I applaud that.
BagLadie...just make sure that everything is handled with the divorce before anything happens with this other guy. I think everyone deserves to be happy in their relationships, and maybe this guy will help you achieve that.

You know as well as I do, Charles, that if one of the women posted here about her husband, who married her even though he never really loved her, had a family with her, and then began a relationship with someone else, the responses would be quite different. Instead of being proud and happy for him for being strong and moving on, we'd be criticizing him for not being committed to his marriage.
You're talking to someone who was in a marriage that "just didn't work." I've been there and I know how it feels. It takes a strong person to know when it's not right and walk away. I also applaud BagLadie for that. I'm just saying that it seems like there is a double standard at play here.
And, BagLadie, thanks for understanding where I was coming from and not getting offended. I truly wish you the best.

dallas · Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:57 AM

Originally Posted by BagLadie

Thank you. I think I really needed to read that last part. I have always said I have so many regrets etc. But my best friend told me I WAS supposed to marry this guy and have my kids. It's an interesting way to look at it I suppose. That I have grown in a different direction but should have no regrets.
Thanks again - I will make sure I am more careful with my words in respect to my children. I worry about them the most and it's the reason I haven't done this sooner. Veryyyy afraid for them and their well being.

Your best friend is very wise.

“Accept the pain, cherish the joys, resolve the regrets; then can come the best of benedictions - 'If I had my life to live over, I'd do it all the same'.”
Joan McIntosh

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:59 AM

Originally Posted by Charles

I don't think that's a fair comparison. She's not having an affair, rather venting to us about how she's realizing that her marriage is a facade and how it needs to end. She clearly stated that she backed away from the current "friendship" she has with this other man, in order to help her see things clearly.
This is reality. Sometimes marriages just don't work, and sometimes they need to end. That seems to be the case here. To me, it takes a strong person to break out of something comfortable and take a direction not yet charted. So many people whine and complain about life and how things suck, yet never do anything about it. BagLadie is doing something about it. I applaud that.
BagLadie...just make sure that everything is handled with the divorce before anything happens with this other guy. I think everyone deserves to be happy in their relationships, and maybe this guy will help you achieve that.

Thanks Charles. Again, I am amazed at the support system I have here.
Yes, I have backed away from this other guy. I can't have this be about me and him. Wouldn't be fair to my husband at this point. I would never end my marriage just because I wanted to be with someone else. I am ending my marriage because I don't love my husband and at this point, we are really just roommates. I am not happy - and in turn - neither is he. I can't imagine continuing on this same road for the rest of my life.
Even if there was no other man in my life - I would be happier all by myself.

ILoveMyBug · Jul 3rd, 2009, 10:14 AM

Good luck with your future, you're doing the right thing.
If you ever want to talk off-board you can PM me for my email address x

dallas · Jul 3rd, 2009, 10:23 AM

Originally Posted by vhdos

You know as well as I do, Charles, that if one of the women posted here about her husband, who married her even though he never really loved her, had a family with her, and then began a relationship with someone else, the responses would be quite different. Instead of being proud and happy for him for being strong and moving on, we'd be criticizing him for not being committed to his marriage.
You're talking to someone who was in a marriage that "just didn't work." I've been there and I know how it feels. It takes a strong person to know when it's not right and walk away. I also applaud BagLadie for that. I'm just saying that it seems like there is a double standard at play here.
And, BagLadie, thanks for understanding where I was coming from and not getting offended. I truly wish you the best.

But what if a husband posted here and told the same story as BagLadie?

GirlFriday · Jul 3rd, 2009, 10:26 AM

BagLadie...I'm curious. Have you been having an affair with this man, or has he ONLY been a friend? I ask, just because of the Pictures with SO's thread. Have you been talking about him as if he's your SO because you've had a relationship with him MORE than friends? It would be hard to think of your marriage from a good perspective if you have feelings for another man. You don't have to tell the details if you don't want. It would just help to understand the situation a bit better.

amanda · Jul 3rd, 2009, 11:02 AM

Originally Posted by vhdos

You know as well as I do, Charles, that if one of the women posted here about her husband, who married her even though he never really loved her, had a family with her, and then began a relationship with someone else, the responses would be quite different. Instead of being proud and happy for him for being strong and moving on, we'd be criticizing him for not being committed to his marriage.
You're talking to someone who was in a marriage that "just didn't work." I've been there and I know how it feels. It takes a strong person to know when it's not right and walk away. I also applaud BagLadie for that. I'm just saying that it seems like there is a double standard at play here.
And, BagLadie, thanks for understanding where I was coming from and not getting offended. I truly wish you the best.

I agree that we've had a double standard in the past, but to me, I think that means many in this section may have been too harsh in the past. Like I posted previously, this is a good reminder that these situations have a great deal of nuance and there's usually not one party singularly at fault, and that the person ending the marriage or having feelings for another person doesn't necessarily do so blithely or without consideration for the other person. We tend to take the side of women here, because most of us are women, and I think that this is a good reminder that not all transgressors are evil and not all situations have a clear person to blame. A lot of situations are just sad and unfortunate, no matter how you slice them, and moving on from those situations is important no matter which party we're talking to.

ampeefyed · Jul 3rd, 2009, 11:03 AM

you are so brave. all the best!

kcf68 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 11:17 AM

Wow and double Wow. I say to you, You only live one life and if you are not happy, pursue your happiness but do it carefully. When you have children involved, it could become very sticky and if they love their father, they might not be so accepting of your "SO". In fact it could cause many rifts in your new relationship.

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:02 PM

Ok let me straighten this all out. I have "been with" this other man. Very much so. ALthough we have walked away from eachother because I can't stand this anymore (and neither can he). I have NOT "been with" my husband in years (physically). What I have done is wrong and I own up to that. I never looked for this - but it happened. It wasn't this torrid hot affair. It's been more emotional than anything. He has become my best friend and has given me everything I have lacked in my marriage. My husband and I haven't slept together or acted like husband and wife in....well....years. If he had his way, we would. I just don't have those feelings for him. I have always said, I love him like a brother. He is the father of my children. I don't wish anything bad on him. And what I have done (in the past) is wrong and trust me, the guilt I have felt is punishment enough. But I do love this other man. With ALL my heart. He is my soulmate and I know this - and have since the day I first laid eyes on him.
I may have tried to make this seem innocent in my original post and I apologize for that. I wasn't sure what reactions I would get in here though. This is scary! Even in here!
I have stopped my relationship with the other guy. I haven't been fair to him - myself....or my husband. It's going to take years for me to feel good about myself again. I haven't liked myself very much. But I am a work in progress and will one day forgive myself for doing something I never EVER thought I would do.

merika · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:07 PM

If the other guy wasn't around, would you still have left your husband?

Charles · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:10 PM

Originally Posted by vhdos

You know as well as I do, Charles, that if one of the women posted here about her husband, who married her even though he never really loved her, had a family with her, and then began a relationship with someone else, the responses would be quite different. Instead of being proud and happy for him for being strong and moving on, we'd be criticizing him for not being committed to his marriage.
You're talking to someone who was in a marriage that "just didn't work." I've been there and I know how it feels. It takes a strong person to know when it's not right and walk away. I also applaud BagLadie for that. I'm just saying that it seems like there is a double standard at play here.
And, BagLadie, thanks for understanding where I was coming from and not getting offended. I truly wish you the best.

Well of course, but I think a lot of double standards come from knowing only one side of a story...and to be honest with you, if BagLadie came in here and told the same story, with the same details, only she was telling us about her husband, I'd probably say something similar. "Sometimes you can't save a marriage, it sucks, blah blah blah", and recommend that she seek out therapy and make sure her marriage isn't salvageable.

What others would say, I can't comment on, but I've always understood that marriage isn't the end all, be all in a relationship, and sometimes they just don't work out. Dust yourself off, put yourself back together, and move on.

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:11 PM

^^ Very good question. One I ask myself all the time. The answer is, yes. But this has pushed me. I would be happier without my husband in my life. He is always trying to get me to talk - be intimate - etc. I always push him away. It's been exhausting. The only time I am truly "happy" is when he is away on business for days at a time. I can be a better mother to my kids without him here. When he is here, I am sad.

The "other guy" (I hate that term) doesn't think I would have left him. He feels I am still here because of the security (my husband does very well financially). But one thing I have discovered about myself - I don't want or need financial security - I do need happiness....and love in my life. it's why I come to this part of the forum now instead of Louis Vuitton - which is where I used to hang. I don't want anything anymore. I want to be HAPPY.

So yes, I would leave my marriage regardless of who is waiting for me. My well being depends on it.

exotikittenx · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:17 PM

I hope you will put your kids first and not rush in with the new guy or move in with him right away until your kids get more used to the idea. This will be quite a shock for them, and they only need their mother right now. Have you told your family yet of your decision?

cookie888 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:17 PM

Wow - thanks for your courage in posting and trust me people won't judge you. They don't know you or your full situation.

I look at my other half and some days I love him to bits and others I wonder why I'm with him as we have nothing in common. It just works....

At least you're in a situation where no-one cheated and you feel you can move on.

I hope you can work things out with the kids too.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 10:14 AM	#64
ILoveMyBug Victoria Joined: Dec 2006 Location: Leeds, UK Posts: 2,492	Good luck with your future, you're doing the right thing. If you ever want to talk off-board you can PM me for my email address x
	__________________ Cats and Chloé Last edited by ILoveMyBug; Jul 3rd, 2009 at 10:23 AM.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 10:26 AM	#66
GirlFriday Member Joined: Mar 2008 Posts: 2,345	BagLadie...I'm curious. Have you been having an affair with this man, or has he ONLY been a friend? I ask, just because of the Pictures with SO's thread. Have you been talking about him as if he's your SO because you've had a relationship with him MORE than friends? It would be hard to think of your marriage from a good perspective if you have feelings for another man. You don't have to tell the details if you don't want. It would just help to understand the situation a bit better.
GirlFriday Member Joined: Mar 2008 Posts: 2,345

Jul 3rd, 2009, 11:03 AM	#68
ampeefyed Member Joined: Oct 2007 Posts: 818	you are so brave. all the best!
ampeefyed Member Joined: Oct 2007 Posts: 818

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:02 PM	#70
BagLadie OP Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 6,993	Ok let me straighten this all out. I have "been with" this other man. Very much so. ALthough we have walked away from eachother because I can't stand this anymore (and neither can he). I have NOT "been with" my husband in years (physically). What I have done is wrong and I own up to that. I never looked for this - but it happened. It wasn't this torrid hot affair. It's been more emotional than anything. He has become my best friend and has given me everything I have lacked in my marriage. My husband and I haven't slept together or acted like husband and wife in....well....years. If he had his way, we would. I just don't have those feelings for him. I have always said, I love him like a brother. He is the father of my children. I don't wish anything bad on him. And what I have done (in the past) is wrong and trust me, the guilt I have felt is punishment enough. But I do love this other man. With ALL my heart. He is my soulmate and I know this - and have since the day I first laid eyes on him. I may have tried to make this seem innocent in my original post and I apologize for that. I wasn't sure what reactions I would get in here though. This is scary! Even in here! I have stopped my relationship with the other guy. I haven't been fair to him - myself....or my husband. It's going to take years for me to feel good about myself again. I haven't liked myself very much. But I am a work in progress and will one day forgive myself for doing something I never EVER thought I would do.
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:07 PM	#71
merika Mr Lau reigns Joined: Nov 2006 Location: In front of a computer Posts: 8,881	If the other guy wasn't around, would you still have left your husband?
	__________________ "Hatred does not cease by hatred at any time: hatred ceases by love, this is an old rule." --The Dhammapada

Jul 3rd, 2009, 11:17 AM	#69
kcf68 Hopelessly Addicted! Joined: May 2007 Location: Everywhere but Home! Posts: 1,549	Wow and double Wow. I say to you, You only live one life and if you are not happy, pursue your happiness but do it carefully. When you have children involved, it could become very sticky and if they love their father, they might not be so accepting of your "SO". In fact it could cause many rifts in your new relationship.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:11 PM	#73
BagLadie OP Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 6,993	^^ Very good question. One I ask myself all the time. The answer is, yes. But this has pushed me. I would be happier without my husband in my life. He is always trying to get me to talk - be intimate - etc. I always push him away. It's been exhausting. The only time I am truly "happy" is when he is away on business for days at a time. I can be a better mother to my kids without him here. When he is here, I am sad. The "other guy" (I hate that term) doesn't think I would have left him. He feels I am still here because of the security (my husband does very well financially). But one thing I have discovered about myself - I don't want or need financial security - I do need happiness....and love in my life. it's why I come to this part of the forum now instead of Louis Vuitton - which is where I used to hang. I don't want anything anymore. I want to be HAPPY. So yes, I would leave my marriage regardless of who is waiting for me. My well being depends on it.
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:17 PM	#74
exotikittenx Ooh la la! Joined: Jan 2007 Location: The City of Plain 'n Proper Posts: 5,986	I hope you will put your kids first and not rush in with the new guy or move in with him right away until your kids get more used to the idea. This will be quite a shock for them, and they only need their mother right now. Have you told your family yet of your decision?
	__________________ Check out my new and UPDATED collection!!!

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:17 PM	#75
cookie888 Member Joined: Apr 2009 Location: Surrey, UK Posts: 763	Wow - thanks for your courage in posting and trust me people won't judge you. They don't know you or your full situation. I look at my other half and some days I love him to bits and others I wonder why I'm with him as we have nothing in common. It just works.... At least you're in a situation where no-one cheated and you feel you can move on. I hope you can work things out with the kids too.

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