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kaye · Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:28 AM

Originally Posted by Miss 2 A

*hugs* Your post made me cry, and I hope you can sort your life and be happy with the one you love.

When I browsed through the SO thread a week ago, the only posts I remember were yours, honestly!! Your words about your "SO" were just touching and I got the vibe that you're totally in love with this person. I truly wish you all the happiness in the world from the bottom of my heart.

same here!

bagladie, i always read your comments/advice 'cause i always agree with what you say and i think you should take your own advice and do what makes you truly happy.

it's great that you reached out to all of us for support 'cause it helps to get words of encouragement during tough times like this. you seem like a very strong person with a great sense of intuitiveness so i'm sure you'll do what's best for you and your kids.

dearmissie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:52 AM

Wow, I am at a lost for words. I can't imagine how you are feeling at the moment. I have to admit, whenever I read your post I do think to myself, "Geez, this woman's got the perfect life." You seemed head over heels for your DH and the photos you share with us (in the thread of photos of our SOs) were so sweet. (Now I know it's of the man you wish to marry.) Shazam, your post was exactly what I was thinking, so now that it's clarified it makes sense.

It just goes to prove that there is no "perfect" in life. Everyone has secrets, and no family is that Hollywood glam family we all fantasize. I give you major kudos for having the courage to share with us this information. As hard as it is already, you chose to come out and tell your tPF family what's going on, and you didn't have to. No one would have ever known, you could have kept it all hush hush, but you didn't. That takes balls!!

I wish for you the happiness you seek, in addition, I pray for not just you but for your family (your 3 beautiful babies and your estranged husband). I hope that although it is a rough time for everyone, that everything can be civil for the sake of the children and although you and the father of your children may not be together romantically, that you two can have a good friendship/relationship for the sake of the children. Good luck, I'm here for you if you ever need me!! A PM is seconds away if you wish!!

dearmissie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:55 AM

Originally Posted by vhdos

First off, let me applaud you for having the guts to post your situation. I know you are having a tough time and I really do wish you the best of luck.
Now, for the hard part. After reading your post, I can't help but think of how the responses would differ had you posted the other way around. If your story was:
I got married, my husband has never really loved me, we had three children together, and now he's having an affair. I seriously doubt the responses would be anything even remotely close to what you have received. I mean, do you think we'd be telling you, "I'm proud of your husband for doing the right thing for himself and for his family?"
Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not judging you. I can certainly agree that life is too short to spend it with someone you are not in love with. I know all too well what it feels like to be in a toxic relationship. However, I can't help but feel that there is a double standard here. If you posted here that your husband was just not in love with you and had met someone else, we'd rake him over the coals.
Again, thank you for sharing your story with us and I hope you are not offended by my post. I hope that everything works out for the best for you and your family. I always appreciate reading your posts on the forum and I wish you much happiness.

Wow, I never really thought of this from this point of view. Very interesting.

sweetdreamer16 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 04:27 AM

no need to feel bad! you should pursue happiness and by giving up and just settling would be a horrible thing to do! A thousand times worse than what you think is wrong!

hugs! it will be ok!

binky · Jul 3rd, 2009, 06:30 AM

Originally Posted by PurseAddict79

A few quotes for you...

“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.”

“There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”

“Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong- sometimes it takes more strength to just let go.”

BagLadie, this was a brave thing to do. I hope it all works out for the best.

PurseAddict, thank you for your post. The quotes couldn't have come at a better time.

mellecyn · Jul 3rd, 2009, 07:17 AM

Bagladie, it´s so courageous of you to do this, shows how much tPF means to you, and honestly I love reading your posts, yes all the words about love and relationships, all the advice is always good words no matter what your personal situation is. I am sad to read you´ve been unhappy for so long and I´d say it´s not too late to change that...I am not sure how it would affect your children, but maybe a happy Mum would be better for them too ?....and you´re still blessed to have met your love, even at bad timing....

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 07:55 AM

Originally Posted by envyme

Is your husband in love with you? Is the loveless feeling mutual?

He claims he loves me. I think a part of him does love me. So this isn't completely mutual. I feel nothing for him.

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 07:55 AM

Originally Posted by nooch

BagLadie, I am honored that you felt you could share this with us. You have been there for me and I am honored (sorry to use the word twice) to be able to be there for you.

And I am proud of you for doing the right thing for yourself and for your family. Lots of hugs

thank you Nooch - I was afraid of losing the respect of you guys in here. Nice to have your support.

MrsMammaGoose · Jul 3rd, 2009, 07:56 AM

BagLadie, your post actually resonates with me on a personal level. About four years ago, I was in the same situation--I was married to a very good man, but one with whom I had realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life. I married him because I was flattered that someone liked me *that* much, but over the ensuing years it became clear that we kind of "deflated" each other, and that our life together would never be bad, but never be good, either. A few years into my first marriage, I also met the man of my dreams. We were friends for a long time since I couldn't be more, but eventually realized that we were simply meant for each other, as corny as it sounds. So, at 28 (and luckily before my first hubby and I ever had kids), I left to be with the man of my dreams.

We have been married now for three years, have two incredible kids, and are genuinely happy. The decision to leave my ex for my soul mate may have been the hardest I ever made, but it was also the best. As for my ex--he just remarried, and finally appears to be at ease with himself and his life.

I'm telling you this story to reassure you that even though you have a difficult few months ahead of you, there can--and hopefully will--be a tremendous amount of happiness in the future. Best of luck to you!

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 07:57 AM

Originally Posted by vhdos

First off, let me applaud you for having the guts to post your situation. I know you are having a tough time and I really do wish you the best of luck.
Now, for the hard part. After reading your post, I can't help but think of how the responses would differ had you posted the other way around. If your story was:
I got married, my husband has never really loved me, we had three children together, and now he's having an affair. I seriously doubt the responses would be anything even remotely close to what you have received. I mean, do you think we'd be telling you, "I'm proud of your husband for doing the right thing for himself and for his family?"
Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not judging you. I can certainly agree that life is too short to spend it with someone you are not in love with. I know all too well what it feels like to be in a toxic relationship. However, I can't help but feel that there is a double standard here. If you posted here that your husband was just not in love with you and had met someone else, we'd rake him over the coals.
Again, thank you for sharing your story with us and I hope you are not offended by my post. I hope that everything works out for the best for you and your family. I always appreciate reading your posts on the forum and I wish you much happiness.

So not offended - and I agree - if it was turned around - I would be getting different responses I am sure!

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 07:59 AM

Originally Posted by Roo

This situation is tough, for sure.

I am going to be nosy for a moment and ask: is this man also married? (you don't have to answer if you dont' want to.)

And also add my unsolicited opinion:

I believe that a woman should never leave one man for another. If you are going to leave, you need to leave for YOU, not because you have another man lined up....

That's my humble opinion and I hope all goes OK for you.

He is not married (divorced). And I agree with what you have said. I am not leaving one for another. This is about me and my husband. I am doing this for me - whether I am alone at the end of this or not. (I would rather be alone then married to someone I don't love).

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 08:02 AM

Originally Posted by cola262

I agree that you shouldn't be feeling like you want to leave because you're comparing your feelings toward your husband with your feelings toward this other guy. But it seems that that's not the case and you are just realizing something that was a problem all along. A relationship is complex and even without "that feeling" you can feel fulfilled so don't beat yourself up for how you felt okay about it for the past 14 yrs.

Another thing (btw)...I'm sure you already know this but if you ever tell your kids what you told us, please please please follow up with the phrase "But if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't change a thing."...because I had a friend whose mom said "I only got married since other people were getting married" and other things you were saying...and she said if she had to do it again, she wouldn't have. That will assure lots of therapy necessary for the kid.

Thank you. I think I really needed to read that last part. I have always said I have so many regrets etc. But my best friend told me I WAS supposed to marry this guy and have my kids. It's an interesting way to look at it I suppose. That I have grown in a different direction but should have no regrets.
Thanks again - I will make sure I am more careful with my words in respect to my children. I worry about them the most and it's the reason I haven't done this sooner. Veryyyy afraid for them and their well being.

BagLadie · Jul 3rd, 2009, 08:17 AM

Thank you ALL for all your responses. This is not what I had ever anticipated happening in my life. But, having just turned the big 4-0, I need to make myself happy now...whether it's right or wrong.
It's nice to feel support from everyone in here - I love all of you.

amanda · Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:46 AM

I think this is actually a good reminder to everyone in this section - these situations have a lot of nuance to them, and we most likely hear about them from the other side. But there are two sides, and a lot of complications in between. Rarely is there ever one party entirely at fault. So BagLadie, at the very least, you've probably made us all stop and think for a moment by sharing with us.

Charles · Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by vhdos

Now, for the hard part. After reading your post, I can't help but think of how the responses would differ had you posted the other way around. If your story was:
I got married, my husband has never really loved me, we had three children together, and now he's having an affair. I seriously doubt the responses would be anything even remotely close to what you have received. I mean, do you think we'd be telling you, "I'm proud of your husband for doing the right thing for himself and for his family?"
Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not judging you. I can certainly agree that life is too short to spend it with someone you are not in love with. I know all too well what it feels like to be in a toxic relationship. However, I can't help but feel that there is a double standard here. If you posted here that your husband was just not in love with you and had met someone else, we'd rake him over the coals.

I don't think that's a fair comparison. She's not having an affair, rather venting to us about how she's realizing that her marriage is a facade and how it needs to end. She clearly stated that she backed away from the current "friendship" she has with this other man, in order to help her see things clearly.
This is reality. Sometimes marriages just don't work, and sometimes they need to end. That seems to be the case here. To me, it takes a strong person to break out of something comfortable and take a direction not yet charted. So many people whine and complain about life and how things suck, yet never do anything about it. BagLadie is doing something about it. I applaud that.
BagLadie...just make sure that everything is handled with the divorce before anything happens with this other guy. I think everyone deserves to be happy in their relationships, and maybe this guy will help you achieve that.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:52 AM	#47
dearmissie formerly oo0ehxtahcee0oo Joined: Aug 2007 Location: After a much needed break, I'M BACK!! Posts: 7,267	Wow, I am at a lost for words. I can't imagine how you are feeling at the moment. I have to admit, whenever I read your post I do think to myself, "Geez, this woman's got the perfect life." You seemed head over heels for your DH and the photos you share with us (in the thread of photos of our SOs) were so sweet. (Now I know it's of the man you wish to marry.) Shazam, your post was exactly what I was thinking, so now that it's clarified it makes sense. It just goes to prove that there is no "perfect" in life. Everyone has secrets, and no family is that Hollywood glam family we all fantasize. I give you major kudos for having the courage to share with us this information. As hard as it is already, you chose to come out and tell your tPF family what's going on, and you didn't have to. No one would have ever known, you could have kept it all hush hush, but you didn't. That takes balls!! I wish for you the happiness you seek, in addition, I pray for not just you but for your family (your 3 beautiful babies and your estranged husband). I hope that although it is a rough time for everyone, that everything can be civil for the sake of the children and although you and the father of your children may not be together romantically, that you two can have a good friendship/relationship for the sake of the children. Good luck, I'm here for you if you ever need me!! A PM is seconds away if you wish!!
	__________________ [His shirt says it all!! Click photo to read thread!] www,dearmissie.blogspot.com updated:11/03

Jul 3rd, 2009, 04:27 AM	#49
sweetdreamer16 Member Joined: May 2008 Location: Vancouver Posts: 2,035	no need to feel bad! you should pursue happiness and by giving up and just settling would be a horrible thing to do! A thousand times worse than what you think is wrong! hugs! it will be ok!
	__________________ Visit my blog, for featured amazing giveaways!! Updated daily!! http://thegiveawaydiva.blogspot.com/ Giving away an amazing Karmin G3 Salon Pro Hair Styling Iron!! A value of $140!!Click here to enter!!! Win an amazing charm bracelet with eight charms of your choice valued at $130! Click here to enter!!!

Jul 3rd, 2009, 07:17 AM	#51
mellecyn Just a minute ! Joined: Feb 2006 Location: In a bag Posts: 3,093	Bagladie, it´s so courageous of you to do this, shows how much tPF means to you, and honestly I love reading your posts, yes all the words about love and relationships, all the advice is always good words no matter what your personal situation is. I am sad to read you´ve been unhappy for so long and I´d say it´s not too late to change that...I am not sure how it would affect your children, but maybe a happy Mum would be better for them too ?....and you´re still blessed to have met your love, even at bad timing....
	__________________ "Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience" Victoria Holt

Jul 3rd, 2009, 08:17 AM	#58
BagLadie OP Got a handle on it Joined: Nov 2006 Location: Red Sox Nation Posts: 6,993	Thank you ALL for all your responses. This is not what I had ever anticipated happening in my life. But, having just turned the big 4-0, I need to make myself happy now...whether it's right or wrong. It's nice to feel support from everyone in here - I love all of you.
	__________________ If life hands you lemons, make a vodka and lemonade. Then use the rest on your elbows.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:46 AM	#59
amanda I Bleed Georgia Red Joined: Oct 2005 Location: Athens, GA Posts: 11,696	I think this is actually a good reminder to everyone in this section - these situations have a lot of nuance to them, and we most likely hear about them from the other side. But there are two sides, and a lot of complications in between. Rarely is there ever one party entirely at fault. So BagLadie, at the very least, you've probably made us all stop and think for a moment by sharing with us.
	__________________ PROUD TO BE A UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA BULLDOG! Follow me on Twitter

Jul 3rd, 2009, 07:56 AM	#54
MrsMammaGoose Member Joined: Feb 2009 Location: Raleigh, NC Posts: 638	BagLadie, your post actually resonates with me on a personal level. About four years ago, I was in the same situation--I was married to a very good man, but one with whom I had realized I didn't want to spend the rest of my life. I married him because I was flattered that someone liked me that much, but over the ensuing years it became clear that we kind of "deflated" each other, and that our life together would never be bad, but never be good, either. A few years into my first marriage, I also met the man of my dreams. We were friends for a long time since I couldn't be more, but eventually realized that we were simply meant for each other, as corny as it sounds. So, at 28 (and luckily before my first hubby and I ever had kids), I left to be with the man of my dreams. We have been married now for three years, have two incredible kids, and are genuinely happy. The decision to leave my ex for my soul mate may have been the hardest I ever made, but it was also the best. As for my ex--he just remarried, and finally appears to be at ease with himself and his life. I'm telling you this story to reassure you that even though you have a difficult few months ahead of you, there can--and hopefully will--be a tremendous amount of happiness in the future. Best of luck to you!

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