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Miss 2 A · Jul 2nd, 2009, 09:57 PM

Originally Posted by BagLadie

The pictures I have posted are not of my current husband. It's who I want to be married to - but am not. Yet anway. Eeeks sounds so bad in writing.

Thank you EVERYONE for all your kind and non-judging posts. It means a lot to me. I will update you on how all this is going for me in the near future. I appreciate each and every one of you. It's amazing how much it helps to read such positive and loving words from you guys.

*hugs* Your post made me cry, and I hope you can sort your life and be happy with the one you love.

When I browsed through the SO thread a week ago, the only posts I remember were yours, honestly!! Your words about your "SO" were just touching and I got the vibe that you're totally in love with this person. I truly wish you all the happiness in the world from the bottom of my heart.

boxermom · Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:02 PM

You're really brave to share this. I'll bet your story is shared by a lot of people who married, maybe too young, and their marriage is now a matter of sharing a house and children but little else, so you aren't alone, I'm sure.

Good luck, wherever this leads you.

queenvictoria2 · Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:10 PM

Originally Posted by BagLadie

He does and he doesn't. He did find out about him and I didn't deny it. It was a long time ago. I was hoping that was my "out" but it wasn't. He turned his back and pretended nothing was wrong. Veryyyy bizarre.

I have grown to realize he really only wants someone to take care of the house, kids, laundry, shopping, cooking. Nothing more.

Life is strange sometimes and way too short not to be happy.

I hope everything works out for the best for your entire family.

nooch · Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:19 PM

BagLadie, I am honored that you felt you could share this with us. You have been there for me and I am honored (sorry to use the word twice) to be able to be there for you.

And I am proud of you for doing the right thing for yourself and for your family. Lots of hugs

shazam · Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:38 PM

Originally Posted by BagLadie

The pictures I have posted are not of my current husband. It's who I want to be married to - but am not. Yet anway. Eeeks sounds so bad in writing.

Thanks for clarifying. I have not experienced a marriage without romantic love so I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but I do hope everything works out in the end.

envyme · Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:39 PM

Is your husband in love with you? Is the loveless feeling mutual?

vhdos · Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:43 PM

First off, let me applaud you for having the guts to post your situation. I know you are having a tough time and I really do wish you the best of luck.
Now, for the hard part. After reading your post, I can't help but think of how the responses would differ had you posted the other way around. If your story was:
I got married, my husband has never really loved me, we had three children together, and now he's having an affair. I seriously doubt the responses would be anything even remotely close to what you have received. I mean, do you think we'd be telling you, "I'm proud of your husband for doing the right thing for himself and for his family?"
Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not judging you. I can certainly agree that life is too short to spend it with someone you are not in love with. I know all too well what it feels like to be in a toxic relationship. However, I can't help but feel that there is a double standard here. If you posted here that your husband was just not in love with you and had met someone else, we'd rake him over the coals.
Again, thank you for sharing your story with us and I hope you are not offended by my post. I hope that everything works out for the best for you and your family. I always appreciate reading your posts on the forum and I wish you much happiness.

MarneeB · Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:46 PM

BagLadie, I wish you the very best! Nobody should continue a marriage if they're not happy. Thank you for sharing with us and please keep us posted.

Roo · Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:23 PM

This situation is tough, for sure.

I am going to be nosy for a moment and ask: is this man also married? (you don't have to answer if you dont' want to.)

And also add my unsolicited opinion:

I believe that a woman should never leave one man for another. If you are going to leave, you need to leave for YOU, not because you have another man lined up....

That's my humble opinion and I hope all goes OK for you.

Charles · Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:44 PM

I say you go for the man you're heart is with.

It seems like you've given your best with your current marriage, and it's simply not working.

cola262 · Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:47 PM

I agree that you shouldn't be feeling like you want to leave because you're comparing your feelings toward your husband with your feelings toward this other guy. But it seems that that's not the case and you are just realizing something that was a problem all along. A relationship is complex and even without "that feeling" you can feel fulfilled so don't beat yourself up for how you felt okay about it for the past 14 yrs.

Another thing (btw)...I'm sure you already know this but if you ever tell your kids what you told us, please please please follow up with the phrase "But if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't change a thing."...because I had a friend whose mom said "I only got married since other people were getting married" and other things you were saying...and she said if she had to do it again, she wouldn't have. That will assure lots of therapy necessary for the kid.

exotikittenx · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:17 AM

Cola, I agree... good suggestion. BagLadie, I wish you well and I hope the situation works out for everyone involved.

MidNiteSun · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:43 AM

you're not a failure at all. I admire your courage to come clean & try to work things out. Best of luck.

amanda · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:55 AM

You're not a failure at all. I'm sure that a lot of women out there, were they to be honest with themselves, would be able to relate to your story on some level.

I know I can, and I've never been married. There was a guy when I was 20, that I dated for several years, that wanted to marry me. And there was nothing *wrong* with the guy, per se, and he treated me ok, and I thought maybe I should just go ahead with the whole thing since I didn't really know what else to do when you had gotten that far with someone. Thankfully, I ended it before any rings were exchanged, and I'm very lucky that I did. But to think that I could have been in the exact same situation as you a decade or two down the line...well, it doesn't take much imagination.

I don't know if you've "cheated" on your husband - you weren't specific about that - and cheating can't be lauded. But ending a relationship that you know is not right for you is an honorable thing to do, even if it's hard, and I'm glad that you're on the path to setting things right. You seem like you know what is right, so now, as they say in the South, comes the doin' part.

SunnyFreckles · Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:23 AM

BIG HUGS!!!

Life just plain sucks sometimes, but at the end of the day...you have to do whats right for YOU.

Best of luck in your journey.

And for the record...you are NOT a failure! I promise you that!!!

Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:19 PM	#34
nooch bubblehead Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 3,882	BagLadie, I am honored that you felt you could share this with us. You have been there for me and I am honored (sorry to use the word twice) to be able to be there for you. And I am proud of you for doing the right thing for yourself and for your family. Lots of hugs
nooch bubblehead Joined: Apr 2008 Posts: 3,882	__________________ Come cheer me on at my weight loss thread - http://forum.purseblog.com/health-an...re-488893.html

Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:39 PM	#36
envyme God's Creation Joined: Jan 2006 Location: I'm A Brain In A Jar Posts: 4,467	Is your husband in love with you? Is the loveless feeling mutual?
	__________________ You just keep pushing. You just keep pushing. I made every mistake that could be made. But I just kept pushing. - Rene Descartes

Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:43 PM	#37
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,131	First off, let me applaud you for having the guts to post your situation. I know you are having a tough time and I really do wish you the best of luck. Now, for the hard part. After reading your post, I can't help but think of how the responses would differ had you posted the other way around. If your story was: I got married, my husband has never really loved me, we had three children together, and now he's having an affair. I seriously doubt the responses would be anything even remotely close to what you have received. I mean, do you think we'd be telling you, "I'm proud of your husband for doing the right thing for himself and for his family?" Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not judging you. I can certainly agree that life is too short to spend it with someone you are not in love with. I know all too well what it feels like to be in a toxic relationship. However, I can't help but feel that there is a double standard here. If you posted here that your husband was just not in love with you and had met someone else, we'd rake him over the coals. Again, thank you for sharing your story with us and I hope you are not offended by my post. I hope that everything works out for the best for you and your family. I always appreciate reading your posts on the forum and I wish you much happiness.
vhdos Member Joined: May 2007 Location: NC Posts: 3,131	__________________ visit Bonanzle.com

Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:23 PM	#39
Roo Mod Squad Joined: Apr 2006 Location: Rue Roo Posts: 12,697	This situation is tough, for sure. I am going to be nosy for a moment and ask: is this man also married? (you don't have to answer if you dont' want to.) And also add my unsolicited opinion: I believe that a woman should never leave one man for another. If you are going to leave, you need to leave for YOU, not because you have another man lined up.... That's my humble opinion and I hope all goes OK for you.
	__________________ When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around. --Willie Nelson

Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:44 PM	#40
Charles Sucks at budgeting Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Jacksonville, Fl Posts: 6,182	I say you go for the man you're heart is with. It seems like you've given your best with your current marriage, and it's simply not working.
	__________________

Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:02 PM	#32
boxermom Member Joined: Aug 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 13,670	You're really brave to share this. I'll bet your story is shared by a lot of people who married, maybe too young, and their marriage is now a matter of sharing a house and children but little else, so you aren't alone, I'm sure. Good luck, wherever this leads you.

Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:46 PM	#38
MarneeB Taking it all in. Joined: Mar 2009 Location: Missouri Posts: 841	BagLadie, I wish you the very best! Nobody should continue a marriage if they're not happy. Thank you for sharing with us and please keep us posted.

Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:47 PM	#41
cola262 Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,865	I agree that you shouldn't be feeling like you want to leave because you're comparing your feelings toward your husband with your feelings toward this other guy. But it seems that that's not the case and you are just realizing something that was a problem all along. A relationship is complex and even without "that feeling" you can feel fulfilled so don't beat yourself up for how you felt okay about it for the past 14 yrs. Another thing (btw)...I'm sure you already know this but if you ever tell your kids what you told us, please please please follow up with the phrase "But if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't change a thing."...because I had a friend whose mom said "I only got married since other people were getting married" and other things you were saying...and she said if she had to do it again, she wouldn't have. That will assure lots of therapy necessary for the kid.
cola262 Member Joined: Oct 2006 Posts: 3,865

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:17 AM	#42
exotikittenx Ooh la la! Joined: Jan 2007 Location: The City of Plain 'n Proper Posts: 6,094	Cola, I agree... good suggestion. BagLadie, I wish you well and I hope the situation works out for everyone involved.
	__________________ Check out my new and UPDATED collection!!!

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:43 AM	#43
MidNiteSun Member Joined: Mar 2009 Posts: 363	you're not a failure at all. I admire your courage to come clean & try to work things out. Best of luck.
MidNiteSun Member Joined: Mar 2009 Posts: 363	__________________ Pet Adoption ~ Animal Rescue Learn/Educate/Help Make a Difference ~ SAVE LIVES Contact your local shelter/rescue for more info http://www.aspca.com

Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:55 AM	#44
amanda RIP Uga VII Joined: Oct 2005 Location: Athens, GA Posts: 11,731	You're not a failure at all. I'm sure that a lot of women out there, were they to be honest with themselves, would be able to relate to your story on some level. I know I can, and I've never been married. There was a guy when I was 20, that I dated for several years, that wanted to marry me. And there was nothing wrong with the guy, per se, and he treated me ok, and I thought maybe I should just go ahead with the whole thing since I didn't really know what else to do when you had gotten that far with someone. Thankfully, I ended it before any rings were exchanged, and I'm very lucky that I did. But to think that I could have been in the exact same situation as you a decade or two down the line...well, it doesn't take much imagination. I don't know if you've "cheated" on your husband - you weren't specific about that - and cheating can't be lauded. But ending a relationship that you know is not right for you is an honorable thing to do, even if it's hard, and I'm glad that you're on the path to setting things right. You seem like you know what is right, so now, as they say in the South, comes the doin' part.
	__________________ PROUD TO BE A UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA BULLDOG! Follow me on Twitter Last edited by amanda; Jul 3rd, 2009 at 01:36 AM.

Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:23 AM	#45
SunnyFreckles ~Pure Bliss~ Joined: Jan 2007 Location: Nebraska, baby! Posts: 5,296	BIG HUGS!!! Life just plain sucks sometimes, but at the end of the day...you have to do whats right for YOU. Best of luck in your journey. And for the record...you are NOT a failure! I promise you that!!!
	__________________ <>< *Sunny's Collection* (updated! page 11)

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