I have a secret.....

[JNH14]

Ann, I meant that in a general sense with society...it wasn"t "aimed" at you, I just feel that we all have to accept responsibility in our lives...myself included because God knows-I am just as guilty!

[BagLadie]

^^ I know you didn't.
My reasons for posting all this in here is that it's a step for me. I need to stop living a lie and come clean in every aspect of my life. Every aspect. And considering I come here an awful lot, I felt it was only right. I value this place and it felt wrong and strange not sharing this with all of you.

[TopGirl]

Originally Posted by JNH14

^^^^^ How sad is that? I have to believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment...that two people willingly make. Saying society doesn't encourage this is wrong-people behave the way they do because of their moral compass. No one is pushed into behaving this way (IE: removing rings for business trips) that is a "thought out" decision to do something in that manner. No wonder our country is going to hell in a handbasket-people justify their bad choices as if "nobody knows about it-no harm, no foul". I don't understand how they can look at themselves in the mirror. If you're going to do something wrong-then accept responsibility for your own actions...it's not right to blame someone else by saying that they made you do it, or I wasn't happy, therefore I deserve this. I'm sure that I'll be crucified for these comments, but I'm tired of people always putting the blame on someone other than themselves.

I talked about society because these days everything is so face past, we can dispose of objects and get a new upgrade in a blink of an eye. I to be believe that affects relationships.

Most of my friends from smaller towns, with a slower pace of living seem to have RL that last for years.

But i agree that no matter that environment, one is ultimately responsible for their actions.

[dearmissie]

Originally Posted by BagLadie

Some people know what they want at 25. I in no way want to say that is too young for everyone. But I am 40 now and wow am I a different person than I was back then! To be honest - I would never encourage my own daughter to get married at that age. I was still finding myself in my 20's. I believe sometimes society puts pressure of us to find our mates and get married...have babies etc. Hell this is no one's fault but my own and I own up to that. But looking back - I wasn't a mature 25 yr old. But that was ME - I don't want you to think I mean that for everyone.

I agree, not everyone acts the same at the same age. As you said, you were 25, however you didn't know what you wanted at the time. I'm young, 21 and for years I pretty much knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted to get married young so I could have kids in my mid-twenties, and do something in business. I knew I wanted to be very close to where my Mom was. I set my goals, and I achieve them. I hate them up in the air. I am 21, getting married (I'll be 23 by then) and we agreed to try to babies after one year of marriage (trying at 24, hoping to birth our first healthy baby at 25) and honestly, I feel so right about it. I do not doubt this at all. I know he's the man I want to marry. He's my high school sweet heart. And I'm the only love he's ever known of. We've been there for so many milestones of life together. I think of our future and I feel so excited with butterflies inside. I look at him and I feel all the joy in the world. My Mom always sits with me telling me how happy she is that I've found my life long partner, because she can see us and see the love we share. She tells me the life we created is something people search a life time for, and I feel so deeply blessed. It's not infatuation, I know what all of me that he is the love of my life. We have been through so much crap, in the past 4 years we've been through more than man couples have been through in 10 (and these issues aren't so much between me and him, its issues with family, which sometimes is even harder). But it's all worth it, he makes me smile and my heart melts. Literally every morning I am thankful to be waking up by his side. The good things surpass the bad.

My cousin is 28 (or 29) and has been with her boyfriend for 7 years (or so) and doesn't know what's up her relationship. She doesn't really want to marry him, but is kinda just up in the air with everything. She may be years older than me, but she's just unsure of herself. Which is fine as well. No one in our family is nagging her about getting married because she's almost 30. It's her life and we respect her and her decisions. Everyone is different, and we all find our what we want in our life at different times because of different factors and when we meet different people.

Society used to put a lot of pressure on people to marry young and have babies. Times are thankfully changing. There isn't so much pressure. For the majority of us, we can live our lives at our own pace. BagLadie, I'm sorry back when you were 25 society wasn't so accepting of a 25 year old not know exactly what she wanted. I hope now at 40, you are able to live your life the way you want to. And I hope you are able to find that love that everyone deserves to have.

[ur_friend]

Originally Posted by BagLadie

^^ I know you didn't. My reasons for posting all this in here is that it's a step for me. I need to stop living a lie and come clean in every aspect of my life. Every aspect. And considering I come here an awful lot, I felt it was only right. I value this place and it felt wrong and strange not sharing this with all of you.

hi
i really appreciate ur honesty but still I am surprised that so far noody suggested you to try to make ur marriage work ,

i think u owe ur faimly atleast one genuine effort to make it work

Best of luck

[BagLadie]

I have tried. And tried. And tried. Hence why I haven't bolted out my front door years ago. This isn't a new situation for me. This has been ongoing for years. I never saw myself as a divorcee. I never thought my kids would come from a broken home. I know the statistics and they scare me. I know my own children will have a greater chance of getting divorced themselves. I know they have a greater chance at having a more difficult time in life. Do I want that? No way. But I worry about them even more if I stay in this loveless marriage. I don't want them to think this is what marriage is about. That it's normal.
Please believe me, I have tried so hard to make this work.

And Missie - I look at the pictures of you and your DF and although I do think you are so very young - I can tell you are both in love and happy and will have a wonderful marriage. You look different with him than what I looked like with my husb when I was younger. I can look at pictures and see the sadness in my eyes. You look elated and radiant. I can also tell you're a mature, wise girl for your age. And I wish you a lifetime of happiness with your soulmate.

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by ur_friend

hi i really appreciate ur honesty but still I am surprised that so far noody suggested you to try to make ur marriage work , i think u owe ur faimly atleast one genuine effort to make it work Best of luck

Out of respect to the OP could you please read the thread before you comment especially on such sensitive issue? OP stated not once that she did make an effort and described it. And there were posters suggesting that she should still try and make it work.

BagLadie,

I do believe when you say you did make an effort. If you didnt, you would have been divorced long time ago.

[Charles]

Originally Posted by TopGirl

ITA things like these do not leave me optimistic about relationships as a whole. I am not surprised why the divorce rate is so high. The society we live in is not a good environment for long lasting relationships.

Just curious, why does this matter so much to people? Who cares what other people are doing in their relationships? To be honest, I think situations like Ann's are sad, and if were back in the 50's, she'd be treated like a leper, and have to stay in an unhappy marriage, just for the sake of keeping up appearances. People make mistakes, and relationships are no different. At least where we are in society, people can admit those mistakes, divorce and attempt to find someone else that they can last with. Now, I'm not advocating people to simply give up, but this working and working on a relationship...when does it end? When is it ok to admit it's not going to work out? Who gets to decide that? To me, when the relationship is more work than there's love, then something needs to happen, and one of those possibilities is a divorce.
Why is divorce such a negative term? Why are you a failure if you get one? To me, you're more of a failure if you stay in a loveless marriage, and really, no one can truly determine that, aside from the two people who are in it. Recognize it's not working, cut your loses and move on.
I also want to say that I definitely don't agree with Ann cheating, but that's in the past and she's done doing that. She's realized her mistakes and is trying to fix them. I'm sure what she feels can never come close to the crap you guys are giving her, so lighten up a bit. She knows she screwed up. No need to keep harping on it.
To address the idea of her not working for her marriage...uh, she's been married for 15 years. I think she gave it a good shot. It was doomed from the beginning, but again, we all make mistakes. Let's try to move past the lecturing cause she's past that. That's why a lot of people are being supportive here. It's over...now let's focus on helping her get through what's left.

Originally Posted by BagLadie

Some people know what they want at 25. I in no way want to say that is too young for everyone. But I am 40 now and wow am I a different person than I was back then!

And this is why I encourage people to wait on marriage...even at 25. Your 20's are such a period of maturation, that's it's really impossible to know you're going to feel the same way about one person. I know, I know, at the time, it feels so right, but 10 years from now, it might feel the exact opposite. If you're truly meant to be together, then waiting a few more years won't matter.

[BagLadie]

^^ Thanks Charles.

I know there are many girls on here that are in their early 20's and are embarking on marriage. I was the same exact way back then. I couldn't wait to be married, play house, have babies. I look back and now and have no idea who that girl was. Wow have I changed and grown up since then! Now, I know not everyone is like that and maybe there are people out there that know what they want and know it will last forever (Missie is most likely one of them). I just know for me, I got married for all the wrong reasons back then - but I just didn't realize it. Now I do. I wish I was stronger, wiser and ballsier back then. I wasn't.

[queenvictoria2]

Originally Posted by Charles

Just curious, why does this matter so much to people? Who cares what other people are doing in their relationships? To be honest, I think situations like Ann's are sad, and if were back in the 50's, she'd be treated like a leper, and have to stay in an unhappy marriage, just for the sake of keeping up appearances. People make mistakes, and relationships are no different. At least where we are in society, people can admit those mistakes, divorce and attempt to find someone else that they can last with. Now, I'm not advocating people to simply give up, but this working and working on a relationship...when does it end? When is it ok to admit it's not going to work out? Who gets to decide that? To me, when the relationship is more work than there's love, then something needs to happen, and one of those possibilities is a divorce. Why is divorce such a negative term? Why are you a failure if you get one? To me, you're more of a failure if you stay in a loveless marriage, and really, no one can truly determine that, aside from the two people who are in it. Recognize it's not working, cut your loses and move on. I also want to say that I definitely don't agree with Ann cheating, but that's in the past and she's done doing that. She's realized her mistakes and is trying to fix them. I'm sure what she feels can never come close to the crap you guys are giving her, so lighten up a bit. She knows she screwed up. No need to keep harping on it. To address the idea of her not working for her marriage...uh, she's been married for 15 years. I think she gave it a good shot. It was doomed from the beginning, but again, we all make mistakes. Let's try to move past the lecturing cause she's past that. That's why a lot of people are being supportive here. It's over...now let's focus on helping her get through what's left. And this is why I encourage people to wait on marriage...even at 25. Your 20's are such a period of maturation, that's it's really impossible to know you're going to feel the same way about one person. I know, I know, at the time, it feels so right, but 10 years from now, it might feel the exact opposite. If you're truly meant to be together, then waiting a few more years won't matter.

I could not agree with this more

My DH were also high school sweethearts and I was always silly in love with him and also thought in my early twenties I knew what I wanted "for the rest of my life" and no one could have told me different
You really do mature and change and grow as a person.
I guess you can grow together but sometimes that is not always the case.

[BagLadie]

I know there are people that get married young and are very happy many years later.

I have a close friend that just recently got married at the age of 39. I always felt bad for her - here we were all getting married and having babies. Well - she waited - and found the right one and got married much later than any of us. She told me at her wedding that he was worth the wait. She focused on her career and on who she was before settling down with someone. Know what? She is the happiest person I know right now.

[mellecyn]

^yes, great for her, but too late to have babies.....unfortunately we have a timer clock.

As for embarking on marriage too soon, it all depends how mature you are. No one knows how you´ll evolve in the next years anyways. Be completely mature, set and sure of yourself at 22 to wake up with a depression 8 years later.
On the other hand I found it easier to fall in love when I had an innocent heart. At 30 we all have a list of criterias, things we learnt from failed experiences, great but that comes in the way of love.

[Veelyn]

I have no advice, just wanted to wish you good luck!

[robbins65]

Ann, best of luck to you. Life is way to short to be unhappy. No one should judge unless they have walked in your shoes. Take care of yourself and your children! Be happy!

[BagLadie]

thanks again everyone. it's nice to have your support. this is perhaps the most difficult stage of my life but i am hoping one day i will be in a better place. one where i am at peace with myself. one where i can look in the mirror at my reflection and not hate that person.