I have a secret.....

[BagLadie]

And for the record, I welcome all opinions....I am not here to be coddled. I know what I have done isn't right and morally goes against what most believe in. I did walk down the aisle 14 years ago and said my vows and truly meant them. But life doesn't always go the way it should. Right or wrong - we all make our own decisions. I have to live with mine. But the way I see it is - we only are here once....I don't want to grow old and have enormous regrets. I am scared of that. And I am scared of letting the greatest thing in my life slip through my fingers. This isn't a crush or an infatuation. This is real. I am 40 - not 16. I know what love is. And I know what love is not. And i have been in a loveless marriage long enough.

[kaye]

wow, i read through your thread and the more i read, the more i am confused.

did you and your husband discuss having kids before having them or did it just happen? 'cause i would certainly not be able to have kids with someone i did not truly love. this is difficult for me to explain but i will try to explain my opinion by using my own situation as an example.

i love my boyfriend and i have been with him for almost 6 years, i get that warm, fuzzy feeling inside when i think about him and when i'm with him. he feels the same way for me and we have great chemistry. i have never loved anyone before him and never had thoughts of marriage and kids with any other guy but my current boyfriend. when i envision having kids with him, i want our kids to be exactly like him. that's how passionate i am about him and he makes me feel excited about marrying him and having his kids.

so i wanna ask you an honest question. did you ever feel that way when you and your husband were deciding to have kids? did you feel excited to have his kids and to share that experience with him or did you feel nothing? 'cause that whole experience of having kids, from the planning to the conceiving to the pregnancy, is a pretty intimate experience between you and your husband, i would imagine. and for you to say that you had kids with him so that you could feel closer to him, is so... wrong. you had kids with him for all the wrong reasons, it sounds.

i can't help but feel bad for your husband. when you agreed to marry him, you were being dishonest with him from the very beginning. i mean, don't people marry for love and for lifelong happiness together? when you exchanged vows with him, did you really think that marrying him would bring you closer to him? i wonder how your husband feels about you now, knowing that you feel nothing towards him. 'cause if you once had something, you will always have something, no matter the situation or circumstance. when you love together, it's something very special. so with him now knowing that you feel nothing towards him, he must have realized that you always had nothing towards him from the beginning. it must really hurt for him.

i think you should divorce him so that you can give him a chance to find love again with someone who will love him back. with you holding onto him, he still has an ounce of hope. be honest with him now and let him go while he still has his dignity. if you really respected him, you would think about him and what's best for him right now. yes, you have kids together and it will be hard for them to adjust to the divorce but as long as you keep reminding them that you love them and it is not their faults that mommy and daddy divorced, then they will be just fine. lots of kids go through this.

i hope i did not sound harsh and i'm sure you are a good person, deep down inside, but what you did to your husband is very sad. i'm sure you had the best of intentions going into it and you did not mean for this to happen, but if you're going to marry the man and spend your life with him, you gotta be honest and open with each other and communicate together. at least if your husband knew how you felt from the beginning, you two could've prevented all this damage from happening and made decisions together that made both of you happy.

i wish you the best of luck in your situation. please, please be honest with your husband, it will do him some good. at least he can come out of this with some answers.

[candace117]

You haven't been intimate for 4 years...........did he remain faithful?

[TopGirl]

^^^ ITA kaye.with the whole of your post.

Op it's good that you want to see more opinion, even those who might hurt.
You are leaving your husband and at this point the best is to try your best to let him down gently.


Don't tell him you married for the lifestyle or that you no longer felt attracted to him : it will only hurt him even more. You have to be PC at this point and lie for the greater good (aka your children). I would approach this saying you have grown apart but don' t regret being with him. You have spent some wonderful years with him and had beautiful children but the love is gone for your end and it's nothing he has done.

Apologize and apologize again . The most important thing now is that you guys stay amicable for the kids.

For some reason I am not feeling the new guy from what you have described. He is a male homewrecker lol ( even if problems were already their) plus he has divorced ( do you know what happened in his marriage). If it was meant to be he'll wait. I would cool off for about 3 months then take things slowly with him. You seem to be infatuated by him, good thing at the beginning but what will happen when the honeymoon phase is gone?

[lulabee]

No judgement here, I admire your honesty with those of us here on the forum and most importantly with yourself. Your feelings remind me so much of when I was with my first husband. He was such a great guy but the feelings just weren't there. For years I felt so guilty about ending my marriage, we have a daughter together, but we managed to remain friends in the end. It was so hard, very very hard. I empathize with you so much. I wish you the best!

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by candace117

You haven't been intimate for 4 years...........did he remain faithful?

I have no idea.


When I married him 14 years ago I wasn't being deceitful to him. I didn't have warm and fuzzy feelings towards him but it was new and exciting and I thought he was the perfect guy to marry. I wasn't going into it for any other reason than I thought he was the right now. But being so young - I now look back and realize I never had that true "in love" feeling. After so many bad relationships - I thought it was ME - not him.

[candace117]

I was just curious, because I think it would be hard for ANYBODY to not be intimate for four years, with somebody...and you don't know the answer for sure, so you can't speak to that or speculate...but people should stop making him into the 'poor husband', because it sounds like when people make the wife into 'poor wife'...because we just don't know!
It would be really good to hear that he had remained faithful, because I think I would feel like there is some hope for society that there are people who are still able to do the right thing even when something is going wrong.

[mellecyn]

^I don´t think there is any hope for society, after the stories I have gathered from all my friends these past months and what they experience and see around them....especially for people who have been married for 7 years+, all they talk about is removing their ring when they go on business trips....I don´t know, that´s just the way society is supposed to progress I guess.

[TopGirl]

Originally Posted by candace117

I was just curious, because I think it would be hard for ANYBODY to not be intimate for four years, with somebody...and you don't know the answer for sure, so you can't speak to that or speculate...but people should stop making him into the 'poor husband', because it sounds like when people make the wife into 'poor wife'...because we just don't know! It would be really good to hear that he had remained faithful, because I think I would feel like there is some hope for society that there are people who are still able to do the right thing even when something is going wrong.

no one is trying to make him as the poor husband but if anyone is the victim here it is him. I acknowledge the fact that he must have know something was going on and probably don't want to address is directly. Instead he become more affectionate which only cause the Op to oush away more.

Cheating is not justifiable and in this scenario it's not his fault. she admitted that he didn't do anything wrong. The husband shouldn't be blamed in order for the Op to feel good about her decision. But she hasn't blamed him and has been completely honest about the situation from the start.

[TopGirl]

Originally Posted by mellecyn

^I don´t think there is any hope for society, after the stories I have gathered from all my friends these past months and what they experience and see around them....especially for people who have been married for 7 years+, all they talk about is removing their ring when they go on business trips....I don´t know, that´s just the way society is supposed to progress I guess.

ITA things like these do not leave me optimistic about relationships as a whole. I am not surprised why the divorce rate is so high.

The society we live in is not a good environment for long lasting relationships.

[JNH14]

^^^^^
How sad is that? I have to believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment...that two people willingly make. Saying society doesn't encourage this is wrong-people behave the way they do because of their moral compass. No one is pushed into behaving this way (IE: removing rings for business trips) that is a "thought out" decision to do something in that manner. No wonder our country is going to hell in a handbasket-people justify their bad choices as if "nobody knows about it-no harm, no foul". I don't understand how they can look at themselves in the mirror. If you're going to do something wrong-then accept responsibility for your own actions...it's not right to blame someone else by saying that they made you do it, or I wasn't happy, therefore I deserve this. I'm sure that I'll be crucified for these comments, but I'm tired of people always putting the blame on someone other than themselves.

[kaye]

Originally Posted by BagLadie

I have no idea. When I married him 14 years ago I wasn't being deceitful to him. I didn't have warm and fuzzy feelings towards him but it was new and exciting and I thought he was the perfect guy to marry. I wasn't going into it for any other reason than I thought he was the right now. But being so young - I now look back and realize I never had that true "in love" feeling. After so many bad relationships - I thought it was ME - not him.

i'm not offended by this comment but i'm 26 and i don't consider myself "so young". i'm pretty sure of myself and i know what i want in a relationship. the fact of the matter is that you weren't sure of what you wanted and you went into it with high expectations without weighing out the possibilities. it had nothing to do with your age. it's as if you're blaming your age for your lack of wisdom regarding your decisions.

one thing is for sure though, you're very strong for coming out and talking openly about this, especially on here (being tpf). that's commendable. it's not easy, that's for sure.

[BagLadie]

Sigh. It's so hard to convey everything here in a forum about my marriage.

My husband is a good, kind and decent person. That is what is hard about this situation. But he is not a perfect husband - but then - who is? It hasn't been horrible for the last 14 years. But I think I went into this marriage hoping for so much more. And I have tried - so hard. I really have. It's not like I just gave up and went and found myself another man.

Cheating is wrong. Period. I haven't been happy or proud with myself at all about this, believe me. I have my own issues in dealing with myself about this. I don't condone cheating at all. I am not sure how to explain here how it started and what it was like. I am not here telling you guys all this because I want you to pat me on the back and tell me I am a great person. Trust me - it isn't easy admitting all this.

My husband is all about perception. He has dealt with this marriage without love or intimacy for so long because it's more important to him what other people think about him then what is actually happening. He hasn't always been nice to me - although I think I have always blamed myself for that.

I believe in marriage. I believe people can be faithful if they truly, deeply love eachother. I see other married couples who have been married longer than I have and they hold hands and have real, honest relationships. I don't have that. Never have. I have wanted that and years ago really tried to get it. But when you grow apart and search your soul and can't find feelings for that person - it's tough. Trust me, I wish there was something there to work on. My life would be easier that's for sure. I never went into this marriage hoping that it would fail and I would hurt my kids by leaving their father. Who would want that??

I am not sure how to explain my feelings towards my husband. I told him the other night that I love him - but it's more like how I love my brother. I care for him. I want him to be happy and it breaks my heart to hurt him. But this marriage hasn't been what I wanted it to be. I want to stop pretending that I am happy to everyone else in the world when inside I am dying. He has been pretending too.

No we haven't had sex in 4 years. I don't know if he has strayed. Honestly, I don't think he has. I don't know why - but that's just how I feel. I didn't seek out another man just for sex. I wasn't looking for it. My other relationship has never been about that.

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by kaye

i'm not offended by this comment but i'm 26 and i don't consider myself "so young". i'm pretty sure of myself and i know what i want in a relationship. the fact of the matter is that you weren't sure of what you wanted and you went into it with high expectations without weighing out the possibilities. it had nothing to do with your age. it's as if you're blaming your age for your lack of wisdom regarding your decisions. one thing is for sure though, you're very strong for coming out and talking openly about this, especially on here (being tpf). that's commendable. it's not easy, that's for sure.

Some people know what they want at 25. I in no way want to say that is too young for everyone. But I am 40 now and wow am I a different person than I was back then! To be honest - I would never encourage my own daughter to get married at that age. I was still finding myself in my 20's. I believe sometimes society puts pressure of us to find our mates and get married...have babies etc. Hell this is no one's fault but my own and I own up to that. But looking back - I wasn't a mature 25 yr old. But that was ME - I don't want you to think I mean that for everyone.

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by JNH14

^^^^^ How sad is that? I have to believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment...that two people willingly make. Saying society doesn't encourage this is wrong-people behave the way they do because of their moral compass. No one is pushed into behaving this way (IE: removing rings for business trips) that is a "thought out" decision to do something in that manner. No wonder our country is going to hell in a handbasket-people justify their bad choices as if "nobody knows about it-no harm, no foul". I don't understand how they can look at themselves in the mirror. If you're going to do something wrong-then accept responsibility for your own actions...it's not right to blame someone else by saying that they made you do it, or I wasn't happy, therefore I deserve this. I'm sure that I'll be crucified for these comments, but I'm tired of people always putting the blame on someone other than themselves.

Your last line hit me hard. You know, I can say all I want that I married young....that I felt pressured to get married and blah blah freaking blah. But you know - I have no one to blame but myself. I knew way back when that I wasn't madly in love with this man. But I fought those feelings because I felt he was the man I SHOULD marry. I blame no one but myself.