I have a secret.....

[TopGirl]

Originally Posted by BagLadie

I appreciate your honesty and directness. I never went into my marriage with fake excitement or with the plan to deceive him. I went into it hoping that it would last forever. I was 25 and so ready (or so I thought) to get married. i wanted that lifestyle badly. I dated all the wrong men before my husband. He was the perfect "marrying type" and I really thought I loved him. But I had doubts and pushed them aside. I worked really hard at making him happy. Our first year was the worst - we realized how different we are and fought all the time. But we worked on it. I didn't want my marriage to fail. I thought I just had too high of expectations and that I needed to grow up. We had 3 kids and I consumed myself with them. I was all about being a mom and put the unhappiness of my marriage to the side. We got along and just raised our babies. Then it hit me. I looked at him and realized I have tried SO much - dealt with SO much. I began to realize that when he went away and it was just me and the kids, I wasn't stressed or unhappy. When he just walks into the room I feel like it's a black cloud. Any attraction I might have ever had (and I don't think I really did but again, thought this was MY problem and that I needed to grow up because he was a good guy) completely disappeared. I don't even like the way this man SMELLS. He is a clean person, showers everyday etc. But there is such a lack of chemistry between us that even his clothes in our closet have an offensive odor to me. I know that sounds mean, again, he isn't a dirty person - it's just so much that I have realized isn't there. Is any of this making sense? I know a lot of you think I have given no effort into my marriage and that this other man is wrong. I have been a good wife and tried so hard. I never looked for another man. I used to think I was a decent and moral person. I never went into this marriage hoping it would fail. I had high hopes like everyone else. This other person only made me realize what it REALLY feels like to love someone. I never knew. It's made me realize I have been missing out on real love. All I have in my marriage is a roommate. He thinks by providing me with a nice house, cars, etc I should be happy. I'm not. I would rather have nothing and be happy then have everything and be miserable.

to be honest I don't really understand where you are coming from and can't wrap my head around a few things so i'll leave it here cause I do not want to offend you.

But I hope you actually do divorce in order for your hubby to move on with his life .

I bet he will suffer greatly and be disillusioned completely by RLs in general, since he did all the *right* things but still got sh*t in the end. oh well c'est la vie.

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by TopGirl

to be honest I don't really understand where you are coming from and can't wrap my head around a few things so i'll leave it here cause I do not want to offend you. But I hope you actually do divorce in order for your hubby to move on with his life . I bet he will suffer greatly and be disillusioned completely by RLs in general, since he did all the *right* things but still got sh*t in the end. oh well c'est la vie.

Maybe I am making him out to be the wonderful person in all of this. Probably my own guilt causing me to do this. He isn't all that "wonderful". I have put up with a LOT and dealt with it - worked at it - tried - seeked therapy - cried - talked with him - cried more. This isn't like I woke up one day and felt like falling in love with someone else and getting divorced. It's too difficult to tell the entire story here - mky thoughts are jumbled and it would take up 100 pages. But trust me, I am not leaving the greatest man ......I have recently been asked how I have stayed for as long as I have. The reason? I have 3 kids to think of and am thikning of them first. I have felt like this for years and I am still here.

[mellecyn]

You know I am single, and I keep thinking about this thread...thank you for being so honest, thank you for reminding me (us) to not just settle for someone who would bring me the things I want the most : security, marriage, kids, but keep looking for real love.

[JNH14]

Ann, let me be the devil's advocate for a moment if I may. Has your SO suggested to you that you will marry after some time? What are his intentions, you must have discussed them even though you're saying you're leaving him out of this equation. Also, is he prepared to become a "father" to your three kids? Because surely he would if the kids are with you most of the time. He may seriously desire to be with you, but is he up to the children as part of any future relationship? Have your kids met him at any time? You could have only seen him when they were in school or home with their dad. Just some food for thought...and also for him...kids are a huge responsibility. Is he willing to take them on at this stage of his life? Have you ever thought about who will get custody? For the sake of the kids-be fair-they love their dad as much as you love them.

[vhdos]

Originally Posted by BagLadie

Maybe I am making him out to be the wonderful person in all of this. Probably my own guilt causing me to do this. He isn't all that "wonderful". I have put up with a LOT and dealt with it - worked at it - tried - seeked therapy - cried - talked with him - cried more. This isn't like I woke up one day and felt like falling in love with someone else and getting divorced. It's too difficult to tell the entire story here - mky thoughts are jumbled and it would take up 100 pages. But trust me, I am not leaving the greatest man ......I have recently been asked how I have stayed for as long as I have. The reason? I have 3 kids to think of and am thikning of them first. I have felt like this for years and I am still here.

I don't think you have made him out to be a "wonderful man" and I believe we are all smart enough to realize that NO man is perfect. We all have flaws as do our SO's. You say that you have "tried", that you have "put up with a lot", etc. Do you think that perhaps that when your husband was being less-than-perfect, he was responding to your actions/behaviors towards him? I'm sure some where along the way, he sensed that you had no feelings for him and he responded to you with hurt and anger. Maybe he is not the greatest man because you shaped him that way? Put yourself in his shoes. He falls in love with you, gets married, and has children. He increasingly feels rejected, emotionally and physically, and responds appropriately (with hurt, anxiety, anger, etc.). Then he discovers you're having an affair and responds with more hurt, anger, disgust, etc. You claim that you were not having a "torrid affair" with this other man, but you started a thread a while back on visiting a sex shop with your SO. Since you said that you haven't been intimate with your DH in quite some time, I'm guessing the visit to the sex shop was with the other man?
I can also put myself in your shoes. You find a man who makes you feel safe and secure and your family approves of him. You marry him with high hopes for the future. You have a family and the children consume you. Many mothers, including myself, are guilty of becoming consumed with or children. You feel increasingly distant from your DH. Then you meet someone unexpectedly, who makes you feel joy that you don't feel with your DH.
I truly feel like divorce is your best option. Not just for your happiness, but for your DH's as well. He deserves to find someone who truly loves him and wants to be with him, just as you deserve to be happy. I do believe that you have your children's best interest at heart and I hope that your DH does too. Divorce doesn't have to ruin their lives if it's done appropriately. I think you have taken some big steps in the right direction by communicating with your DH about your feelings.

[shazam]

OK, I think I must just be really dense because I didn't realize you were physically cheating on your husband until you explained that. And I know emotional cheating can be as bad or even worse, depending on the circumstances, but somehow the idea that you were pining for someone you didn't have and working on ending the marriage first seemed like a different scenario to me than actually being with him.

In reading through the thread I feel like I've gotten a different take on what's been going on with the marriage and I know this post is going to seem out of place here with all of the warm fuzzies and "you go, girl!" sentiments being expressed but I just wanted to say a few things.

First of all, cheating is never the answer. It's really a coward's way of dealing with issues in a marriage and no matter how unhappy you are, I think it just shows such a basic lack of disrespect for your spouse. I understand you don't love your husband but that's not a carte blanche excuse to do whatever you need to make yourself happy and to disrespect him as a person. Also, the idea that you were hoping that starting up an affair would be your "out" of the marriage, as you put it, in that your husband would find out and want to end things is just a really passive aggressive approach. I can understand falling for someone else and wanting to move on, it happens...but you have to be an adult and not act on those feelings until you've dealt with the marriage first.

I'm really glad that you've stopped the affair as you're sorting through everything and I do think you're doing a good thing in focusing on the marriage and whether you need to take that next step and end it, but I still sense almost a resentment towards your husband in your posts and I just want to emphasize that these are your choices that have brought you to this place. I doubt he's an angel and I don't agree at all with his choices, either, of staying with someone who clearly doesn't love him in return and is interested in someone else, so I'm not saying that his choices haven't played a part, but since you're the one who wants out, you really have held most of the cards in terms of what happens with things.

I'm saying this because I feel like your husband has been seriously wronged here, and because I am detecting some resentment and even anger from you when you talk about him, I just want to ask that you please be compassionate with him as you go through your next steps. From an outside perspective, it could seem like you used him to get the marriage and family approval you wanted, perhaps to get the children you wanted, then later denied him affection and physical intimacy, then cheated on him with another man and are now planning to leave him. At some point he chose to be a victim in this, too, so again I'm not declaring him a saint but at least in the beginning he presumably got into all of this because loved you (and may still be in it because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you). And I'm sure you both have been thinking about the kids in your decisions, too, but that only seems to apply to some of the choices made.

I know you can't change what has already happened and that you are now trying to make the best choices you can, and I do sincerely wish all of you future happiness, so please don't mistake my words as ones of strictly judgement or dislike because that's not the case at all. It's just that I feel like despite the words you're using, there's this underlying feeling in you that somehow the universe has wronged you, and that you're angry with your husband since he repulses you, and I'm just trying to put that out there since I think that kind of attitude can make a separation or divorce even more difficult on your family. It definitely makes sense for there to be bitterness from feeling like your choices have not made your life what you want it to be (although you did get your three children out of those choices) but I almost sense that bitterness is being directed towards your husband. And I apologize if I'm way off base on that.

Originally Posted by BagLadie

I have been a good wife and tried so hard.

This is the kind of statement that worries me when it comes to your own self reflection. You cheated on your husband. I don't think anyone would agree that cheating on your spouse would be within the boundaries of being a good spouse. I don't know, I just feel like you're glossing over some of your actions and choices (not for us, but for yourself) all in terms of never having experienced love in your marriage. And I do feel for you, because my husband and I have been together for 11 years and I absolutely cannot imagine doing that without the huge amounts of love and affection we have for each other. So I can only imagine how difficult it's been for you, I'm just saying that I feel for your husband, too, and what he's been put through and don't think he should bear the anger or responsibility for your own choices.

Beyond that, I do admire your bravery and honesty at this stage and you do seem to be very introspective and putting a lot of thought now into what will be right for you, your husband and children which is great. I just wanted to point out a few things as food for thought since you're mentally working through everything. Best of luck to you.

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by JNH14

Ann, let me be the devil's advocate for a moment if I may. Has your SO suggested to you that you will marry after some time? What are his intentions, you must have discussed them even though you're saying you're leaving him out of this equation. Also, is he prepared to become a "father" to your three kids? Because surely he would if the kids are with you most of the time. He may seriously desire to be with you, but is he up to the children as part of any future relationship? Have your kids met him at any time? You could have only seen him when they were in school or home with their dad. Just some food for thought...and also for him...kids are a huge responsibility. Is he willing to take them on at this stage of his life? Have you ever thought about who will get custody? For the sake of the kids-be fair-they love their dad as much as you love them.

This other man does want to marry me. This has killed him emotionally, mentally. He knows I have 3 kids - and loves them without having met them yet. It kills him not to be a part of their lives.
As for custody, I would hope my husband and I would share that. I would only be fair to him - he is a good father and I wouldn't take them away from him.

[BagLadie]

Originally Posted by shazam

OK, I think I must just be really dense because I didn't realize you were physically cheating on your husband until you explained that. And I know emotional cheating can be as bad or even worse, depending on the circumstances, but somehow the idea that you were pining for someone you didn't have and working on ending the marriage first seemed like a different scenario to me than actually being with him. In reading through the thread I feel like I've gotten a different take on what's been going on with the marriage and I know this post is going to seem out of place here with all of the warm fuzzies and "you go, girl!" sentiments being expressed but I just wanted to say a few things. First of all, cheating is never the answer. It's really a coward's way of dealing with issues in a marriage and no matter how unhappy you are, I think it just shows such a basic lack of disrespect for your spouse. I understand you don't love your husband but that's not a carte blanche excuse to do whatever you need to make yourself happy and to disrespect him as a person. Also, the idea that you were hoping that starting up an affair would be your "out" of the marriage, as you put it, in that your husband would find out and want to end things is just a really passive aggressive approach. I can understand falling for someone else and wanting to move on, it happens...but you have to be an adult and not act on those feelings until you've dealt with the marriage first. I'm really glad that you've stopped the affair as you're sorting through everything and I do think you're doing a good thing in focusing on the marriage and whether you need to take that next step and end it, but I still sense almost a resentment towards your husband in your posts and I just want to emphasize that these are your choices that have brought you to this place. I doubt he's an angel and I don't agree at all with his choices, either, of staying with someone who clearly doesn't love him in return and is interested in someone else, so I'm not saying that his choices haven't played a part, but since you're the one who wants out, you really have held most of the cards in terms of what happens with things. I'm saying this because I feel like your husband has been seriously wronged here, and because I am detecting some resentment and even anger from you when you talk about him, I just want to ask that you please be compassionate with him as you go through your next steps. From an outside perspective, it could seem like you used him to get the marriage and family approval you wanted, perhaps to get the children you wanted, then later denied him affection and physical intimacy, then cheated on him with another man and are now planning to leave him. At some point he chose to be a victim in this, too, so again I'm not declaring him a saint but at least in the beginning he presumably got into all of this because loved you (and may still be in it because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you). And I'm sure you both have been thinking about the kids in your decisions, too, but that only seems to apply to some of the choices made. I know you can't change what has already happened and that you are now trying to make the best choices you can, and I do sincerely wish all of you future happiness, so please don't mistake my words as ones of strictly judgement or dislike because that's not the case at all. It's just that I feel like despite the words you're using, there's this underlying feeling in you that somehow the universe has wronged you, and that you're angry with your husband since he repulses you, and I'm just trying to put that out there since I think that kind of attitude can make a separation or divorce even more difficult on your family. It definitely makes sense for there to be bitterness from feeling like your choices have not made your life what you want it to be (although you did get your three children out of those choices) but I almost sense that bitterness is being directed towards your husband. And I apologize if I'm way off base on that. This is the kind of statement that worries me when it comes to your own self reflection. You cheated on your husband. I don't think anyone would agree that cheating on your spouse would be within the boundaries of being a good spouse. I don't know, I just feel like you're glossing over some of your actions and choices (not for us, but for yourself) all in terms of never having experienced love in your marriage. And I do feel for you, because my husband and I have been together for 11 years and I absolutely cannot imagine doing that without the huge amounts of love and affection we have for each other. So I can only imagine how difficult it's been for you, I'm just saying that I feel for your husband, too, and what he's been put through and don't think he should bear the anger or responsibility for your own choices. Beyond that, I do admire your bravery and honesty at this stage and you do seem to be very introspective and putting a lot of thought now into what will be right for you, your husband and children which is great. I just wanted to point out a few things as food for thought since you're mentally working through everything. Best of luck to you.

SO much I want to reply to here. But it's a bad time - my kids need me.

But I have to say, I haven't really been a good wife because of my affair. I agree with that. I live with that everyday and have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror. I am not proud of what I have done. I don't hold my head up. I have always thought the worst of people that have done this. So - you are right - I haven't been a good wife. :(

[BagLadie]

Another thing I have forgotten to add. We went out and talked Friday night (husband and I). I told him exactly how I feel. I didn't mince words. I was surprised to feel a little relief on his part. He wasn't shocked or mad. He seemed....well....a little relieved. He said he loves me and would fight for this - but I sensed something else too. He hasn't been happy either. So much to write but I have to leave here for a while.

[Firefly32]

I'm sure you feel much better that it's out in the open and that you have finally made a decision to do something about your situation! Many men and women have lived this sort of life making the wrong partner choice and then you get caught up in life! It doesn't make it right for the wrongs that have been done. At least now you and your husband can start over and find the love and life that you both want to lead.

Good luck to your future and hope you find the happiness that your looking for!

[BagLadie]

My brother has been an amazing support system to me. He has made me realize this is probably for the best for my husband too. Obviously, he isn't happy either. This is why I sensed a bit of relief from him as well. Again, my kids are my biggest concern in all of this. I know I will be fine and, in time, so will my husband. It's my kids that will most likely need a lot of support, attention and possibly therapy. No matter what, I will make sure they are my first priority.
I am not clouded by my love for this other man. As much as I want to be with him and miss him very much - and I have counted on his friendship so much for so long - I just have to think of me right now - and my marriage. I need to do the right thing for everyone involved. I innately know that if I stay in this marriage - I will never be truly happy and I will never be able to be the good mother I know I am to my kids.
It really is hard giving them my 100% when I am so incredibly sad.

[misschbby]

[QUOTE=BagLadie;11599591]This other man does want to marry me. This has killed him emotionally, mentally. He knows I have 3 kids - and loves them without having met them yet. It kills him not to be a part of their lives.

ok no offence but that would freak me out . loves them and hasnt even met them ???

[BagLadie]

^^ Ok first of all...he is a father himself. Divorced with 2 daughters. They are his life. We talk a LOT about our kids to eachother - as our kids are close in age. He has known of my kids for quite some time - we have shared pictures and stories of our children. He wants to one day meet them and be a part of their lives.

I am trying to leave him out of this equation. We have walked away from eachother as I can't go from one guy to another. I have to decide what's best for me right now and my family. As for this other guy - he has no ill intentions - he loves me and wants what is best for me and my kids. But he is a decent person - whether or not what we have done is wrong. He never asked for this - it happened and I led him to believe a long time ago that I would be leaving my husband. Well it hasn't been that easy.

So please don't read into "he loves my kids" as creepy. I love his kids too and I haven't met them yet either. They are a part of him and I have grown to know them through stories and pictures and they are a part of him.

But again, I would like to leave him out of this. First and foremost my marriage and children have to come first -

[TopGirl]

Originally Posted by BagLadie

Maybe I am making him out to be the wonderful person in all of this. Probably my own guilt causing me to do this. He isn't all that "wonderful". I have put up with a LOT and dealt with it - worked at it - tried - seeked therapy - cried - talked with him - cried more. This isn't like I woke up one day and felt like falling in love with someone else and getting divorced. It's too difficult to tell the entire story here - mky thoughts are jumbled and it would take up 100 pages. But trust me, I am not leaving the greatest man ......I have recently been asked how I have stayed for as long as I have. The reason? I have 3 kids to think of and am thikning of them first. I have felt like this for years and I am still here.

He may not be a saint but his behavior(from what you said) is exemplary compared to yours. You did cheat on him and started to dislike him (for some reason that I still don't get, or maybe you actually never like him) while he always put his best foot forward and seems to genuinely like you.

But he has a tiny bit of blame here. how was he not aware that you had no feelings for him? (unless you faked it). No good was ever going to come out of this relationship.

I hope for the kid's sake that he is a better person than me ( cause I would honestly be bitter as hell) and that the divorce happens as smoothly as possible (you are going to divorce right?).

As for the other guy, I would suggest waiting a while after the divorce, to get your new life in place before engaging in a relationship with him. To not go hard in fast into this new thing, you are going to get burnt out quickly And also maybe solo counseling session might be a good idea.


@ shazam great post. I wish i knew how to be less brash online and IRL

[BagLadie]

^^ I have been getting solo counseling for some time now.

Yes he is fully aware there are issues. We haven't slept together in YEARS! I mean - no sex since like 2005 (I think). There is no way I could have been with two people at once. We have been "separated" but living together for the most part.

So hard to explain all this. I sometimes feel like he looks at me like his "trophy wife". I do everything for him - but we are not intimate nor are we close. it's a very bizarre situation.

I will not be rushing into things and getting married immediately after I divorce. I am too smart for that. As much as I love this other man- and I truly do- I am a smart girl. I wouldn't do that to my kids either. But as each day goes by, it's hard not to feel like it's another day I am without the person I truly love and care about.