I don't know what to do

[miss_ritz]

I'm sorry for the long post because I really tend to run off when I'm upset.

So basically I met this guy through mutual friends almost a year ago. Since the very first day we met, we both agreed it was like love at first sight. He has been all that I could ask for and more in a man, and I could really see myself being with him for the long-term. When we started getting closer he was always the one who would say things like what we would name our future children, how the wedding's gonna go, etc. This may be alarming for some people considering how relatively young our relationship is, and I have to admit I was surprised when he first started saying stuff like this, but it seemed like he really meant it in a sweet and loving way and later I would add my own little details of how our future was going to be like together.

There has never been any real issues or problems I'd found with him. He is hardworking, motivated, starting a good career, and very loving and affectionate! (I could go on and on) Until I started picking up on a little lie here and there. Yes, they were innocent lies but big enough and FREQUENT enough to make you wonder why one would even bother lying to someone you love. For example- this also leads into the biggest challenge I have been faced with- we were being intimate one night and needless to say quite into it. He had his cell on the table behind us. He received a text and I heard it vibrate... but I didn't think anything of it since I assumed he wasn't possibly going to reply to a text in the middle of sex! Lo and behold, I hear him almost cautiously opening his cell to make as little noise as possible and texting a reply. As soon as I heard him reach for his cell I felt my sex drive plummet 100000000 feet below zero lol. After he was done I heard him put his cell back (music was on in the background so he probably thought I didn't hear him text) and it was impossible for me to get back in the mood. My mind was racing. Who the hell could he have been texting in the middle of this? This went on for a few more minutes until the phone rang. I said that I was going to go answer it because I was pretty much a dead body in the sheets by now. He sounded really exasperated and when I came back he was like "I guess we're done." I was like yeah... were you texting earlier? and he started scoffing (the kind of tone that sounds like you're trying to hide something) and said hell no why would I text. I did not want to pester him and start an argument so I just asked if he got a text at all. He said yes but he would never look at it. Ladies, I am 100% sure of what I heard but I just said I believed him and dropped it.

Fast forward to a few days later we're out together having dinner. Before we start ordering he receives a text, followed by another, and another, and the whole time he was smiling and laughing to himself. I'm not gonna lie, I felt pretty neglected. It was like I wasn't even there and it was supposed to be a date for the two of us. I even had to ask him to order something because he was paying no attention to anything else and didn't notice our server was here. Finally, being curious I asked who it was and he said it was ______. This girl is a mutual friend and I've known her before I met my bf. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and was looking to my boyfriend for comfort. That's fine, as long as it doesn't cross the line KWIM? After I asked who it was I think my bf got the hint I was kind of left out, and started telling me what they were texting about. He would reply back stuff basically along the lines of "he's so stupid to let you go, it's his loss and if I was single I would be all yours."

I was talking to the same girl, a friend but not a super close one, later that night and we were talking about my bf. She was like yeah the first time I even talked to him was at the dinner party (a huge group of friends went out together with me and my bf and her there). She was super drunk and even serenaded my bf with "You Belong with Me". I didn't think anything of this at all because it was all just a good time. At some point during the night she texted him from across the table and asked to see some hot pics because she heard he had some. My boyfriend without hesitation sent her them. I didn't know this until later when she told me about it . It was just a couple pics of him shirtless, but he seemed so enthusiastic and I couldn't help but feel a tinge of jealousy.

Now just yesterday, my bf wanted to hang out with her and asked me to come along. I thought OK at least he thought of me. :) We went out to the movies and just the kind of things my boyfriend was saying to her seemed like he was interested in so much more than being just friends. I strongly believe in female intuition and whatnot and I just felt like something was SO wrong! Of course, the female friend went along with it but I recalled earlier she was mentioning how my bf really gives out the wrong impression, as in, fine single and totally flirty with her- he was hanging on to every last word she says (he never payed this much attention to any other girl...ever). I didn't really get what she meant until that night. I didn't know what to think. I didn't doubt the fact he really liked her, possibly even more than just friends, but a part of me wanted to believe he just didn't realise how far he was crossing the line. I don't want to go into too much detail of what he was saying to her but lets just say a threesome came up a few times!! I laughed it off but inside I was so conflicted.

I don't know what to do. I'm a pretty introverted person most times and if something isn't going the way i want it to, I kind of just shy away and stay passive. As he spent more and more time talking to her (pretty much every single time we were together, they would always text) I just kept myself occupied like catching up with friends, some who happens to be guys, while almost waiting and hoping bf would be done texting her. Of course when he was done, I couldn't just abruptly end my conversations right then and there, and he started getting a little upset. Overall I'm very sad, confused, lonely, dissapointed. Ultimately I feel this way because why would someone who seemed so loving and devoted, who said all these things with MEANING, just blow you off for some other girl so easily? My bf just seemed so much different than other guys, and I promised myself I would never fall for an asshole after my last ex. They started talking not even a week ago! It makes me feel naive. I didn't feel like I should confront him yet, I mean, on what basis do I have to ask him if he would cheat on me with her? I felt it was too early... yet. I thought I would give a few more days or a week if it even lasts that long to fully assess this situation, but I also wanted other opinions. And here ends my super long essay!

[Vendrazi]

Your intuition is telling you everything you need to know. There's something wrong (texting in the middle of sex? srsly?). He's having long texting conversations with other people and not sharing with you. And there's definitely some kind of weird, possibly intense relationship with this other girl.

Something's up. You are picking these things up for a reason. Repeat after me: I HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL WHAT I FEEL.

Now the question is: what are you going to do about it? You need to have some kind of talk and you need to be specific about what's bothering you and what you need from the relationship. If he can't or won't discuss them...well, then you know.

(By way of contrast, I have long IM conversations with male friends, and my husband is invited to read and comment on everything I say in them. Especially when I crack up, he wants to know what's so funny. And I am more than happy to share.)

[Cristina]

Originally Posted by miss_ritz

I don't want to go into too much detail of what he was saying to her but lets just say a threesome came up a few times!! I laughed it off but inside I was so conflicted.

Yeah, talk of a threesome would have me running in the other direction, and fast.

There are a few red flags that are really obvious, besides what I quoted above. Texting during sex, his strange relationship with this other woman, etc.

Vendrazi is so right. You have the right to feel what you feel, and you have the right to bring it up with your boyfriend. It sounds as if you don't speak up for yourself because you don't want to argue. Trust me, stifling your feelings is much worse. Eventually it all comes out, one way or another.

You need to organize your thoughts, then sit him down and tell him how you feel. If his answers are not satisfactory, he acts evasive or just plain refuses to talk about it, you have your answer.

[Jeneen]

I'm sorry, I don't usually like to give an answer one way or the other in these situations, but I strongly feel you should dump him. It sounds like if they haven't already, they are going to end up hooking up. You deserve a guy who gives you his attention and devotion, especially during sex!

[olialm1]

I'm going through something similar to you, not the same situation, but my boyfriend is also full of sh*t just like yours seems to be. I would just give him an ultimatum and make him pick; either continue to be with you or drop this chick. There's such a thing as being friends with the opposite sex but there is a fine line between 'friends' and appropriate, and clearly this is making you uncomfortable and you should voice this. I totally understand where you're coming from and why you're hurt, and IMO he's an idiot for even thinking his actions are appropriate.

[lovinalotofbags]

Why should you give him an ultimatum. It would have been over when he answered the text during your intimate moment. You have been hit upside the head with bricks at every turn. Do you really need the building to fall down on you before you get a clue? Walk away. No ifs, ands or buts, just go.

[spoiled_brat]

I would sit him down and give him a long

I would basically say, "look, this is how I feel" and when he scoffs back, I'd flat out say, "look, do you want to be with her?"

It's always better knowing.

[gina2328]

I know he said a lot of nice things to you but you have to stop thinking about that right now and think about what is going on right now. Look at actions not words. When it comes to relationships, actions speak louder than words. He is not treating you right. Texting during sex, this new "friendship" with this girl. This constant texting with her. Plus, he has been lying to you from the beginning, someone like that can never be trusted.

Its time to reevaluate him and see him for who he really is, someone you can't have a long term relationship with. You found out who "he really is" and are saving yourself a lot of future heartache, really. He is not that great guy you thought he was.

I mean you can have a talk with him about this whole situation but I'm not sure what you are going to accomplish, he is dishonest and a liar. I'm positive he will deny, defend, and deny some more, "like when he was 'scoffing' at you about the text in bed". I would seriously be moving on to someone that will treat you right.

I just reread the post one more time, and in my opinion, I think your BF will probably end up with this girl, so if I were you, I would dump him. He actually sets up a "date" with the three of you and
flirts with her, ignores you, this guy has got b@lls to do something like that.

[writtenstars]

i second lovinalotofbags. One of my last boyfriends did it once, and alas it was his old girlfriend that was on the other end of the phone. I was stupid enough to take no notice of it, and it became a 3-some relationship, i knew after we broke up

point is, don't buy any BS he has to say. You two are in a relationship together, like a serious, long-term one, i think he should know better than having intimate convos with some other girl. If my DH did the same, i would chop his head right off!

[Hally]

Originally Posted by gina2328

I know he said a lot of nice things to you but you have to stop thinking about that right now and think about what is going on right now. Look at actions not words. When it comes to relationships, actions speak louder than words. He is not treating you right. Texting during sex, this new "friendship" with this girl. This constant texting with her. Its time to reevaluate him and see him for who he really is, someone you can't have a long term relationship with. You found out who "he really is" and are saving yourself a lot of future heartache, really. He is not that great guy you thought he was. I mean you can have a talk with him but I'm not sure what you are going to accomplish, he is dishonest and a liar. I'm positive he will deny, defend, and deny some more. I would seriously be moving on to someone that will treat you right.

I agree. Unless you want to share him with other women it's time to move on.

[juneping]

It just seems like they both like the attention from each other. But txting during sex is just not acceptable at any circumstance. It's not like he is waiting for a multi million deal.
Though as hard as it is, I personally think this is the best scenario that you can walk away without what if. His heart and mind are no longer there for you, if they do they are no longer 100%. so wall away to find someone who truly wants to be with you. Though you had so many good memories together but he is not the same anymore.
A third person situation might be most hurtful but it also can make you move on way easier.
Take care and good luck!!

[PurseAddict79]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. My dbf may not *say* I love you, but he shows me all the time...

Your boyfriend is disrespecting you and the relationship. I don't even understand how he could think ANY of this is acceptable. Truth be told, you've been far more patient and understanding than I would be... because honestly I view that entire friendship w/ your "friend" as inappropriate, especially considering he's made comments like "if I were single, we'd be together". That's bs, and I'd call him on it in a heartbeat.

Something is going on here... and if I were you, I'd put a stop to it NOW. He texted someone while you guys were having sex? That means he was thinking of someone else during the most intimate of moments... and that's just not ok in my book.

You guys got serious really fast, and I know how heartbreaking it may be to have to go through something like this, but you really need to take a step back from the relationship and look at it objectively (which clearly you're starting to do because you posted here).

None of this is acceptable behavior. I wouldn't give him an "its her or me" ultimatum... I'd just tell him that it would appear as though his priorities, wants, needs and desires have changed... and you don't think its fair that he's stringing you along like this.

I'm sorry... but I think his actions have shown you its over... you just need to put it into words.

[Little Tiger]

Oh, yikes - he may have been wonderful for a year, but a relationship is always a work in progress and he's not behaving well at the moment.

Perhaps he's revelling in the attention and rapport with a 'new' girl, and being insensitive/blanking out the reality (you) which might rain on his parade, but you deserve better than this (and I have to commend your restraint and trust in him up to now!).

I have to admit I'd be screaming blue murder at this, but of course couples do go through difficulties at times and it's not an ideal world. I was about to ask if he is going through a personal crisis at the moment but stopped myself as I think sometimes we females make too many allowances for bad behaviour! Well it's either a crisis or he really IS a w*****. The threesome thing is a bit much.

You really do need to talk to him, try to express it as 'when this happens...it makes me feel/I feel like...' so he's not being directly attacked (something which men generally take badly to). But be prepared to be firm with any wishy-washy, dismissive or angry responses, and work out what your bottom line is first.

Good luck! And sorry for male/female generalisations in this post! :-)

[HauteMama]

It doesn't even matter if he is cheating or would cheat. The issue is with how he treats you, which isn't very well. If he is ignoring you on dates and texting while being intimate with you now, how do you see the relationship progressing a year from now? If he thinks those things are okay now, things will only get worse. There are a lot of people who can make you feel like you are the one; they can make you feel so in love that you cannot imagine them ever betraying you. But our emotions can lie to us and the intensity of what you feel is getting in the way of you seeing what's really going on here.

He isn't that into you.

[Vendrazi]

He isn't that into you.

AND IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. Don't go fault-finding. Just ask yourself, "Is this the situation I want?" (Since you've posted a thread here, let's go with "No.")

If it's not the situation you want, what IS the situation you want?

Can he give it to you?

If you talk to him, and he takes you seriously, that's one thing. If you talk to him, and he blows off your concerns as trivial, or silly, or whatever, then you have more information, and you know he will not give you the relationship you want.

Act on this knowledge. It's scary saying goodbye to someone. But I can tell you that each and every one of us out here has done it AND has had it done to us, and we've survived.