I don't know what to do

[Green Zebra]

Is it better to be alone, or be with him?

Is it better to find someone else who will not lie to you, or be with him?

Is it better to find someone else who wants only you, and wants only to be with you, or be with him?

[miss_ritz]

Thanks for all your opinions everyone. It was really hard to read these posts, I'm on the verge of tears right now. I'm just coming to the realization that maybe what I thought was a fairytale romance is coming to an end. I never thought I could love someone as much as I loved him. I keep reading over my post to figure out what constituted comments such as "dump him." Yes, we haven't been together for very long, but what we've planned for us, what both of us have invested in this relationship, counting on it to last forever.... blah blah blah, seems all too much to drastically end things. I feel silly thinking of how far we've come yet it may end like this so easily. I always knew relationships require lots of work, which is part of the reason I put up with this so far. Nothing is perfect, and I expected some bumps. So to just go up and dump him after pretty much syncing our lives together, seems like a waste, or a failure.

I dont want to seem like one of those girls who is in an unhappy relationship taking crap from her bf and always defends him or something. Im sure if I were to read this post I would say something along the lines of dump him as well. But Id just like to add for his sakes that it wasnt always just words, Im not that much of a fool to not take into consideration his actions. He would always call me before going to work, or text me just to let me know he was thinking of me, etc. We would come home from work and spend all of our time together and truly enjoy it (or at least I did!). For sure things are different now... whenever we talk most of the time, he is busy laughing and being sweet with the girl or things are half assed like when we say i love you it just seems forced and out of habit you know? But Im just trying to say, it wasnt always like this.

I am definitely going to talk to him. I'm thinking of being more assertive about what I know/heard with the texting, if he denies it again, I won't be able to take it. It would likely chew me up inside until I freak out or something! lol. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. Im almost afraid to even think about bringing it up because I dont want things to to end horribly! (I know I shouldnt be, but I just hope I dont chicken out!) Ummm hope that covers my feelings for the moment.

[Jeneen]

I know it was hard for you to read "dump him," but it was honestly hard for me to write it because I always want to give the benefit of the doubt and only the two of you are in this relationship (well actually, no, he's seemed to have invited someone else in) and I haven't been there for all the good times. But the reason I said this is it all sounds VERY SHADY - I wouldn't say it if it could go either way.

No matter what you decide, stay strong, I hope it all turns out for the best.

[Vendrazi]

Originally Posted by miss_ritz

I keep reading over my post to figure out what constituted comments such as "dump him."

What's standing out for me is that this stuff has stood out for YOU. The really odd moments that have made you say, "Hey, wait a second, what's going on here?" He's disrespecting you. He's not sharing all parts of his life with you. And if he is doing the texting and saying he's not, then he's LYING to you.

This may be a little flirtation he's involved in that quite honestly means nothing. Those happen. You get crushes on someone else, and the crush makes you giggle or even glow a little more... That's going to happen for the rest of your life, no matter how happy your relationship/partnership/marriage is.

It's when you outright lie to your partner about what's going on that's the problem. That's when it becomes deception. That's when it starts to become easier to lie about or simply not to talk about other developments...like when crushes bloom into a different kind of relationship.

The most important thing now is: CAN YOU TALK TO HIM ABOUT ALL OF THIS? And does he honestly engage in the conversation, or does he just blow it off with, "This is so unimportant, I'm not going to even engage."

Because the feelings are important to YOU and you need to honor that. If he doesn't honor it, you have a serious mismatch in your relationship.

[PrettyInPink]

So many red flags I don't even know where to begin. Sit this man down and ask him what he wants. If it's to be with you, then he needs to get his act together... if it's with the friend... it's time to say goodbye!

[nataliam1976]

Originally Posted by miss_ritz

But Id just like to add for his sakes that it wasnt always just words, Im not that much of a fool to not take into consideration his actions. He would always call me before going to work, or text me just to let me know he was thinking of me, etc. We would come home from work and spend all of our time together and truly enjoy it (or at least I did!). For sure things are different now... whenever we talk most of the time, he is busy laughing and being sweet with the girl or things are half assed like when we say i love you it just seems forced and out of habit you know? But Im just trying to say, it wasnt always like this.

Your biggest clue about this relationship : it WAS good. Now things are different and he makes no effort to go back to where you were. Dont live in the past.

[[coco]]

wtf????? Trust your gut feeling girl! You deserve to be with someone you can trust.
I'm still getting my head around how on earth he could be texting during sex.....!?!?

[gina2328]

In your original post he was lying to you about stuff all along, about what you didn't elaborate, little stuff, that got to be bigger stuff. This in itself was a big red flag. He could not be trusted from the beginning, and he was not great from the beginning. That is why I was saying he is dump worthy.

I don't know, I think this talk you plan to have with him probably won't go the way you are hoping, I think that is why you are nervous? Well, plan to rehearse it in advance if that is what you plan to do. Avoiding this talk and just ending it could save you hassles. You could let him come to you with an explanation of what has been going on and let him worry about losing you if you leave him first without a talk. If there is no explanation if you leave him, then you know he no longer cares.

IMO, he wants you to dump him so he doesn't have to be the "bad guy". He is doing everything to make that possible, he is literally hooking up with this girl right in front of your eyes. Totally unacceptable. I'm so sorry.

[gacats]

I think this wonderful at the beginning relationship has run it's course. And that's OK, this happens and if you're fortunate, you will have the chance to be madly in love with at least 3 guys before you find the real one.
Yes, at least 3 because this is what helps you determine what you're wanting in a relationship and what true love really is.
He's way too interested in the other girl, and you can't change that, I'm afraid.
I'm sorry.

[Jill]

Argh.u poor thing!
ALWAYS trust your instincts!!!!!!
HUGE RED FLAGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and i have a feeling he is more than JUST friends with your SO-CALLED GF.............

RUN....u deserve someone who treats u WAY better

[sugarjaws]

Sorry.... but these are huge red flags. As others have mentioned, he is just not that into you. If he really was into you, none of this would ever be happening. Not to mention this behavior is very disrespectful to you and he doesn't seem to care. I'm not sure your ages, but he sounds very immature. You want a man who will treat you right. Move on..... there are plenty of fish in the sea. Find a man who will make you feel like you are special, not one who gives more of his attention to someone else and who ends up making you feel like crap.

[bagaholic85]

i think its a lot easier for people to scream dump him when their reading certain things in black and white, but life is full of gray. personally, i dont know if i would dump him if i were you. odd behavior? yes. infidelity? its possible. the real question you need to ask yourself is are you willing to work through it with him. and i think you are from reading your last post.

good luck with everything, dont feel scared. all good things in life are hard work, and what is meant to be will be.

[Jeneen]

Originally Posted by gina2328

In your original post he was lying to you about stuff all along, about what you didn't elaborate, little stuff, that got to be bigger stuff. This in itself was a big red flag. He could not be trusted from the beginning, and he was not great from the beginning. That is why I was saying he is dump worthy. I don't know, I think this talk you plan to have with him probably won't go the way you are hoping, I think that is why you are nervous? Well, plan to rehearse it in advance if that is what you plan to do. Avoiding this talk and just ending it could save you hassles. You could let him come to you with an explanation of what has been going on and let him worry about losing you if you leave him first without a talk. If there is no explanation if you leave him, then you know he no longer cares. IMO, he wants you to dump him so he doesn't have to be the "bad guy". He is doing everything to make that possible, he is literally hooking up with this girl right in front of your eyes. Totally unacceptable. I'm so sorry.

I think this is true.

[HauteMama]

Just keep in mind that if he refuses to even discuss this with you, he is so disengaged from the relationship with you that he doesn't care about your feelings. You should not be afraid to bring it up for that reason; it is all the more reason to find out how he really feels. True, at that point you will not (or should not) be able to kid your self anymore and think that things are great when he has started moving on, but you will know the truth.

If he does dismiss you and the things you want to talk about, please don't make any further excuses for him. It is never what a person wants to hear or know, and we've all been through something similar, but at least if he won't be honest with you you ought to be honest with yourself.

[Vendrazi]

Originally Posted by HauteMama

It is never what a person wants to hear or know, and we've all been through something similar, but at least if he won't be honest with you you ought to be honest with yourself.

You know, the world could save an awful lot of time and an awful lot of heartache if we'd all just tattoo this on our forearms (and not just apply it to dating and relationships but EVERYTHING).