I don't know what advice to give my friend

ImASadGiraffe · Jun 6th, 2008, 01:21 AM

I have a friend who is married to a guy that I know that she loves. However, sometimes he treats her in a way that I don't think she deserves. She tells me that they don't spend a lot of quality time together in the evenings because they both end up on their computers, separately, or he's playing video games and she's in another room watching TV. He doesn't seem to take he time to acknowledge things like birthdays or anniversaries, she likes to get little gifts and cards and he sort of just shrugs it off like it's no big deal. On her last birthday she took the day off and he decided not to, went to work, came home and didn't have anything planned. She was upset because she felt like he didn't care, he felt like she was overreacting. He seems to make her feel guilty when she wants to go off and do something with us girls. She'll tell him her plans and he goes "Whatever, have fun" in a tone that makes her believe that he is mad that she is going. She has canceled plans in the past because she has felt so bad. She shops a lot and they are pretty well-off and quite comfortable financially, but he seems to take issue with it. She ends up getting stuff she buys delivered to her office so she can smuggle it into the house unnoticed. I'm sure he still notices but she feels the need to hide it, which I don't think is healthy.

I know she has been seeing a therapist on her own because her husband won't go with her to see a marriage counselor. He refuses because he feels like that they don't need one. She hasn't even told him that she's seeing a therapist because she's afraid he'll be upset. She's also said that their sex life stinks and that she hasn't felt a real connection to him in a long time, and that she sort of has to force herself to be intimate for the sake of the marriage.

Now, granted I'm only hearing one side of the story here but it seems to me that this guy is just not right for her. I know he's a hard-working, good man who would never cheat on her or hurt her, but he's just kind of "eh" in the relationship side.

My problem is I want to give her some advice and be a good friend but I don't want to tell her what to do. She's a smart girl and I think that right now she just feels trapped in her relationship. There's no kids but there's a lot of history and of course they share a home, pets, income, etc. I think she'd like to keep trying to work it out but I feel like it's all one-sided.

Any advice? Has anyone been through a similar situation as my friend and have suggestions on what you would have wanted to hear from your friends?

Thanks in advance!

dallas · Jun 6th, 2008, 01:59 AM

I know you want to help your friend but if she hasn't asked for your advice, I would keep quiet. It would be difficult to give good advice, after all, because you have only heard one side of the story. I think that the best thing you can do is to let her know that you are there for her, should she need you.

ShimmaPuff · Jun 6th, 2008, 02:10 AM

I agree that it does not sound like he is the right one for her. However, this is something that she will have to work out and address herself.

It is good that she is seeing a therapist. She will not be either the first nor the last sufferer of that particular situation, and the therapist will be able to help her work through her barriers, and get herself in a place of sufficient self-love that will give her the strength and self-knowledge to take charge of her future.

In the meantime, all you can do is encourage and applaud her seeing the therapist, love her, treat her to Days of Beauty and if you can afford it, the occasional shopping spree!

ImASadGiraffe · Jun 6th, 2008, 07:44 AM

Yeah, she hasn't come right out and asked, but she definitely does her share of venting to me and I really don't know what else to say except that I am here to listen. Perhaps that is all she needs at this point.

Virgo · Jun 6th, 2008, 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImASadGiraffe

Now, granted I'm only hearing one side of the story here but it seems to me that this guy is just not right for her. I know he's a hard-working, good man who would never cheat on her or hurt her, but he's just kind of "eh" in the relationship side.

My problem is I want to give her some advice and be a good friend but I don't want to tell her what to do. She's a smart girl and I think that right now she just feels trapped in her relationship. There's no kids but there's a lot of history and of course they share a home, pets, income, etc. I think she'd like to keep trying to work it out but I feel like it's all one-sided.

Any advice? Has anyone been through a similar situation as my friend and have suggestions on what you would have wanted to hear from your friends?

Thanks in advance!

As her friend, I understand why you feel "he's not right for her" BUT THEY ARE MARRIED. She married him for a reason (hopefully love), for better or for worse, and has an obligation to work it out with him and not just divorce him. Maybe I am wrong but I got the feeling your advice would be divorce him.

As hard as it might be, she has to tell him the truth. She should spell it out for him and make sure he realizes how seriously unhappy she is. She needs to be honest about going to a counselor and tell him he needs to go too. If he still refuses, she should continue to go herself, make sure he knows and maybe he will change his mind and start going. A lot of guys aren't going to take their wives seriously with this stuff until they smack them over the head with the truth. Is it fair? Maybe not, but a relationship is hard and anything worth having is worth working for (IMO).

If she asked me, that's what I would tell her. Also, it might be helpful if she spoke with women that have been married at least 10 years cuz I am sure they would have plenty of helpful advice.

ImASadGiraffe · Jun 6th, 2008, 04:03 PM

My advice to her is to keep working it out and keep her chin up, but not to let him walk all over her either - I don't think they should get divorced at all, unless he was beating her or something (which I know is not the case).

I just hope she can find a way to be happier with him because it breaks my heart that she's so sad all the time...doesn't everyone deserve to be happy in love?

lovinalotofbags · Jun 6th, 2008, 04:49 PM

I did not read anything about any kind of abuse. He seems to love her and would not cheat on her. Those in itself is not reason for divorce. He just seems like a man who certain dates have no significance for him or he does not make a big deal about it. They both need counseling or at least talk to each other about their feelings and sex life. They need to have a serious heart to heart talk and work on it. If he is not willing to improve or give an inch, then she can cross that bridge when she comes to it. Encourage her to keep trying. How was he before they got married?

ImASadGiraffe · Jun 6th, 2008, 05:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovinalotofbags

I did not read anything about any kind of abuse. He seems to love her and would not cheat on her. Those in itself is not reason for divorce. He just seems like a man who certain dates have no significance for him or he does not make a big deal about it. They both need counseling or at least talk to each other about their feelings and sex life. They need to have a serious heart to heart talk and work on it. If he is not willing to improve or give an inch, then she can cross that bridge when she comes to it. Encourage her to keep trying. How was he before they got married?

Yeah, like I said, I would never tell her to divorce him. He is a good guy, but just seems like he has gotten lazy with their relationship lately. Before they got married, they dated for 4 years. The first few years they were together all the time, totally madly in love, and from what I've heard, the sex life was great. I've never seen my friend so happy. But they year they got engaged I think they were both stressed out and taking it out on each other, and they grew apart a little bit (or so it seems). I think she is having a hard time figuring out how to get closer to him again, and I suspect there might be more going on than I know, but I don't want to pry. I just want to bonk him on the head and tell him he's going to lose a great woman if he doesn't step it up a notch, but he seems kind of "meh" about the two of them. Like, now he's married, he doesn't need to try kind of mentality.

I figure there is nothing I can do being an outsider, I guess I have to just hope they will work things out, for my friend's sake at least.

maddog · Jun 6th, 2008, 05:58 PM

I find that in general guys don't care for that sort of thing. They need to work this out themselves, because this isn't even about right or wrong, it's just a difference in personality.

If she hasn't asked you, I agree with others that you should just lend an ear. Afterall, some people are just natural complainers. There could be a thousand great things about this guy, and she could be focussing all her conversations with you on the few bad qualities to release the negative energy. And TBH, those are qualities found in the average man. She'll need to eventually understand that and find other means of fulfilling herself instead of relying on a man to, or she's going to continue to be unhappy.

ShimmaPuff · Jun 6th, 2008, 11:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Virgo

...She needs to be honest about going to a counselor and tell him he needs to go too. If he still refuses, she should continue to go herself, make sure he knows...

It sounds like that is where she is right now.

By seeing a counselor, even though he refuses to, she is taking a very firm stand, making a very concrete and positive statement that she does want the marriage to succeed, that she wants to be the right one for him!

Just as she has to decide what will be best for her own future as well as their future together, he also has the right, the need, and the responsibility to decide how he feels about the marriage, how much effort, if any, he wants to make on its behalf, whether he wants to BE "the one who is right for her!"

imashopaholic · Jun 6th, 2008, 11:59 PM

If and when she comes to you for advice or to unload all of her issues, then you should speak up and say what you think but for now, just be a good friend and support her through the tough times. Hopefully she will put her foot down and not allow him to treat her so badly.

VPT · Jun 7th, 2008, 07:38 PM

Do not give her any advice unless she asks, especially when your own marriage is not perfect either (I may be mistaken but didn't you start a thread asking for help for your own marriage?). I know how keen best friends can be for their friends well being but respecting their privacy always takes priority. Unless of course he's physically harming her and she has scars and weeping wounds to show, refrain from dabbling with her private life, please.

Jun 6th, 2008, 01:21 AM	#1
ImASadGiraffe Relax... Location: IL	I don't know what advice to give my friend I have a friend who is married to a guy that I know that she loves. However, sometimes he treats her in a way that I don't think she deserves. She tells me that they don't spend a lot of quality time together in the evenings because they both end up on their computers, separately, or he's playing video games and she's in another room watching TV. He doesn't seem to take he time to acknowledge things like birthdays or anniversaries, she likes to get little gifts and cards and he sort of just shrugs it off like it's no big deal. On her last birthday she took the day off and he decided not to, went to work, came home and didn't have anything planned. She was upset because she felt like he didn't care, he felt like she was overreacting. He seems to make her feel guilty when she wants to go off and do something with us girls. She'll tell him her plans and he goes "Whatever, have fun" in a tone that makes her believe that he is mad that she is going. She has canceled plans in the past because she has felt so bad. She shops a lot and they are pretty well-off and quite comfortable financially, but he seems to take issue with it. She ends up getting stuff she buys delivered to her office so she can smuggle it into the house unnoticed. I'm sure he still notices but she feels the need to hide it, which I don't think is healthy. I know she has been seeing a therapist on her own because her husband won't go with her to see a marriage counselor. He refuses because he feels like that they don't need one. She hasn't even told him that she's seeing a therapist because she's afraid he'll be upset. She's also said that their sex life stinks and that she hasn't felt a real connection to him in a long time, and that she sort of has to force herself to be intimate for the sake of the marriage. Now, granted I'm only hearing one side of the story here but it seems to me that this guy is just not right for her. I know he's a hard-working, good man who would never cheat on her or hurt her, but he's just kind of "eh" in the relationship side. My problem is I want to give her some advice and be a good friend but I don't want to tell her what to do. She's a smart girl and I think that right now she just feels trapped in her relationship. There's no kids but there's a lot of history and of course they share a home, pets, income, etc. I think she'd like to keep trying to work it out but I feel like it's all one-sided. Any advice? Has anyone been through a similar situation as my friend and have suggestions on what you would have wanted to hear from your friends? Thanks in advance! __________________

Jun 6th, 2008, 01:59 AM	#2
dallas Ya anno	I know you want to help your friend but if she hasn't asked for your advice, I would keep quiet. It would be difficult to give good advice, after all, because you have only heard one side of the story. I think that the best thing you can do is to let her know that you are there for her, should she need you. __________________ A good deed is never lost: he who sows courtesy reaps friendship; and he who plants kindness gathers love.

Jun 6th, 2008, 02:10 AM	#3
ShimmaPuff Sentient Post Whore Location: Earth	I agree that it does not sound like he is the right one for her. However, this is something that she will have to work out and address herself. It is good that she is seeing a therapist. She will not be either the first nor the last sufferer of that particular situation, and the therapist will be able to help her work through her barriers, and get herself in a place of sufficient self-love that will give her the strength and self-knowledge to take charge of her future. In the meantime, all you can do is encourage and applaud her seeing the therapist, love her, treat her to Days of Beauty and if you can afford it, the occasional shopping spree! __________________ http://www.tzuchi.org/ http://www.commongroundrelief.org http://www.oxfamunwrapped.com/chooseagift.aspx Your Friendly Resident Poor Person Embrace Inspired Pride! http://mangonocturna.blogspot.com/

Jun 6th, 2008, 07:44 AM	#4
ImASadGiraffe Relax... Location: IL	Yeah, she hasn't come right out and asked, but she definitely does her share of venting to me and I really don't know what else to say except that I am here to listen. Perhaps that is all she needs at this point. __________________

Jun 6th, 2008, 04:03 PM	#6
ImASadGiraffe Relax... Location: IL	My advice to her is to keep working it out and keep her chin up, but not to let him walk all over her either - I don't think they should get divorced at all, unless he was beating her or something (which I know is not the case). I just hope she can find a way to be happier with him because it breaks my heart that she's so sad all the time...doesn't everyone deserve to be happy in love? __________________

Jun 6th, 2008, 04:49 PM	#7
lovinalotofbags In for the long haul Location: South Carolina	I did not read anything about any kind of abuse. He seems to love her and would not cheat on her. Those in itself is not reason for divorce. He just seems like a man who certain dates have no significance for him or he does not make a big deal about it. They both need counseling or at least talk to each other about their feelings and sex life. They need to have a serious heart to heart talk and work on it. If he is not willing to improve or give an inch, then she can cross that bridge when she comes to it. Encourage her to keep trying. How was he before they got married? __________________ Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Jun 6th, 2008, 05:58 PM	#9
maddog Mmmkay	I find that in general guys don't care for that sort of thing. They need to work this out themselves, because this isn't even about right or wrong, it's just a difference in personality. If she hasn't asked you, I agree with others that you should just lend an ear. Afterall, some people are just natural complainers. There could be a thousand great things about this guy, and she could be focussing all her conversations with you on the few bad qualities to release the negative energy. And TBH, those are qualities found in the average man. She'll need to eventually understand that and find other means of fulfilling herself instead of relying on a man to, or she's going to continue to be unhappy.

Jun 6th, 2008, 11:59 PM	#11
imashopaholic christmas in 3 weeks Location: Australia	If and when she comes to you for advice or to unload all of her issues, then you should speak up and say what you think but for now, just be a good friend and support her through the tough times. Hopefully she will put her foot down and not allow him to treat her so badly.

Jun 7th, 2008, 07:38 PM	#12
VPT i ♥ blood oranges Location: Singapore / Vancouver	Do not give her any advice unless she asks, especially when your own marriage is not perfect either (I may be mistaken but didn't you start a thread asking for help for your own marriage?). I know how keen best friends can be for their friends well being but respecting their privacy always takes priority. Unless of course he's physically harming her and she has scars and weeping wounds to show, refrain from dabbling with her private life, please. __________________