I Can't Trust My Husband

[Summer]

This is my very first post, but please don't think I'm a troll. I've joined TPF for several years ago to mainly browse. I have a problem that has been bothering me for months and I just can't really bring myself to talk to my friends or sisters about this. This is long, so please bear with me.

My husband and I have been together for over ten years, married for nearly 5 and have a 2 year old son. We have a great relationship, and I honestly feel like we are each other's soulmates. Until this problem, I completely trust him and think he's the most honest person I know. We don't hide anything from each other and we know everything about each other. This whole problem started nearly a year ago. My husband works from home and uses the computer a lot. He always leaves his email open. I have my own email account but i don't check it very often so often times, for sake of convenience, people will email me through his account. So on some occasions when his email is open, I sometimes scan through the inbox looking at incoming mail to see if anything is for me. This one day, I looked at the screen and there was an email from someone whose name that I recognized as an old girlfriend. Technically, she's his friend from high school and they had a very brief sexual relationship. They never were serious and he said at most, he was just attracted to her. I've never met her or have met any mutual friends of theirs. They haven't been in touch in nearly 15 years and she's getting married and somehow they got in touch again. I had such a strange feeling about it and yes, I opened the email. It was actually a series of email to make arrangements to meet for lunch. I didn't think much of it. He goes out with friends all the time, female or not, it doesn't matter to me. BUT, he didn't mention this lunch meeting at all and when I casually started asking him his plans for that certain day, he lied to me and told me he was meeting a client and a whole series of other lies on why he has to meet this client. He lied so well. I was shocked but I didn't confront him until a few days after. I was hoping he would come clean. I checked his planner, also online and open all the time, and on that date he didn't list the lunch with his client. He always list who he's meeting and where and the time. When I finally confronted him, he looked embarressed and he explained he didn't want me to jump to conclusions and that there's simply nothing going on. They are just good friends. He asked if I want him to stop seeing her. I said no he can see her but he has to be completely open about everything to me, and no lies.

I thought that was the end of it. But a few months later, I saw her emailing him again and I read the emails. It was about business related questions, although she is not in the market for what my husband does. I figured this is small chit chat. But I can see that he responded to her emails from the the arrows showing up on her emails but when I checked his sent mails to her, they are all deleted. I deduced from her emails that they went out again a while back but he never mentioned it to me. It all seem so suspicious. It seems that my husband even brought my son to meet her. I keep wondering, if they're such good friends, why doesn't she want to meet me too? Also, if he's really hiding things, why didn't he delete her emails? He's an extremely busy guy, maybe he meant to delete them but forgot? All these thoughts have been going over and over in my mind. I confronted him again and he said yes, they went out again but it's completely platonic and he didn't want me to get jealous and freak out so he deleted the emails. I just don't get it. I never get jealous in the past. I get so mad when I'm lied to and I don't hold back so he should know NEVER to lie to me. He asked if I want him to stop seeing her and like a stupid idiot I said it's ok. But he has to keep their relationship completely open. That was that.

My heart is telling me I can trust him. My brain is telling me something is wrong. Nothing happened again for a few months. I had this uneasy feeling, which I get often now whenever I think back to this problem, and snooped through his emails. I recently found out she started emailing him again about a month ago and he must have responded but 2 weeks of sent emails were deleted. I haven't confronted him about this yet. Although I did tell him I've been thinking, and I don't want to see her again unless it's strictly business related and he agreed. He seemed surprised I brought it up. I am hoping that I can think it through and rationalize this. But so far, I can't. I told one of my girlfriends about this, but not the complete story, and she told me not to worry, it's nothing. I don't know what to do. I don't want to come across as a jealous psycho wife. I love him so much but a part of me can't trust him completely after what has happened. I think I should talk to him again but I know he'll tell me the same thing and then what? I don't think he's having an affair but an honest man doesn't repeatedly lie or hide things from his wife after she's told him multiple time not to! Please share your thoughts with me.

[domlee]

I would just lay low and observe for now if I was in your shoes. She is getting married. He even brought your son to meet her. This is hardly the recipe for romance.

There isn't much to go on, short of reading incoming emails and observing deleted sent ones. And it could very well just be lunch to catch up on all that has occured since high school.

Lay low. Keep an eye out for weird sexual-related marks on his body like scratches on the back, hickies, etc. Stuff that you know you didn't put on him. (Don't bring them up each time, just keep track of them). Watch for things like if he starts using cologne when he hasn't done so in years. Compile this info for now...nothing much else you can do. Don't get mad at him when there isn't much to go on. You don't want to be seen as the super snooping jealous wife, although he has sensed a bit of that already.

[nataliam1976]

I wouldnt make much of it BUT you say you never got jealous in the past, so I just dont understand why he would lie to you in this particular case and justify by your potential jumping to conclusions - why would you ? And why would he delete his emails to her? were any other ones deleted from those dates or just to her?

99% of the time, there is no smoke without fire.:-( Domlee is right, keep a close eye on the unusual details.

[nycfashionlvr]

I don't trust this situation just because he was deliberately hiding it from you. Deleting the e-mails and going to meet her without mentioning it to you....reason for suspicion. I would have a more in depth talk with him about this.

[chinkyi23]

I would suggest to your husband that all four of you (you, husband, her & fiancee) all have dinner. Then I'd observe their interaction. After that I'd just keep an eye on the emails. Also isn't there a way to bring back the deleted emails? Not sure what email system your husband is using.

[Spendaholic]

im sorry that your feeling this way.
ive been married for 7yrs, together 10yrs this month. with no children.

what ive taken from what your written is that you have a very trusting relationship with your husband.
from the emails from the ex girlfriend, i have taken that YES she is getting married but she may still feel is she doing the right thing in marrying her current fiancee, to see if she has what she had with your husband before they brokeup.
(testing the water) is what my husband is saying.

also this is personal BUT.
if your husband is having an affair, has the sexual side of your relationship changed, from more to less.

(im sat with my husband and ive asked him his point of view - he says that if hes having one then either the sex has gone up to hide the affair or the sex has gone down.
my husband says that some men will be more vigorous in the bedroom to hide an affair or have more moves in the bedroom that he didnt have before the emails started).

im hoping its just two old friends having lunch.

but also i would say do what chinkyi23 says by going for a meal with the four of you which will be the best way to see/check whats going on.

[boxermom]

I hate when men basically say "I did it (delete emails, didn't tell you about lunch with xxx, etc.) for your own good". That conveniently gets them off the hook for sharing what they should be sharing with their partner. It feels wrong to me.

Why not ask to meet this *platonic* friend of his? And like others said, keep your eyes and ears open. If he had nothing to hide, he'd be telling you more about his interactions with her.

[shy*violet]

Originally Posted by nycfashionlvr

I don't trust this situation just because he was deliberately hiding it from you. Deleting the e-mails and going to meet her without mentioning it to you....reason for suspicion. I would have a more in depth talk with him about this.

I would guess the same thing.

It's odd that he took the time to delete his emails, but didn't take the time to delete her incoming messages... and he kept seeing her and not telling you even after you told him the first time you'd feel more comfortable if he mentioned when he was meeting her...

[ChanelMommy]

I wouldn't want my 'husband' to have lunch/dinner with a female friend from his past without being introduced to her first. That's sneaky, imo. I also do not like the fact that he deleted his emails to her. I would have a serious talk with him about this and for the record you even said you check his email because sometimes you get an email to you through his account so this is justified 'as not snooping' kwim?

[JNH14]

Call him on it-I don't think you're getting the "whole picture" in this matter. It's just too odd that he's deleting his emails to her.

[HandbagLuvr]

I agree that this does not sound right. Normally I would not be one for snooping, but I am not sure I would trust him to give you honest answers even if you ask. The fact he is not telling you about the emails is still lying because he promised to be open about their friendship. I would check the cell phone bill for long phone calls to numbers you do not recognize. If he says he is working late, call the office and see if you can reach him. Watch this situation carefully.

[frenchtoast]

I guess the only thing that you can do is to keep observing. I think it's odd that he's being sneaky about this girl, when you say that he's open with you when he goes out with friends. It just doesn't seem right. I agree with what the others have said, all of you should go out to dinner together.

[Summer]

She sent him 2 more emails in the past few days. He responded to her but when she suggested lunch he didn't email back. Or he deleted it, I don't know. Chink, Boxermom, I did suggest that I meet his friend but he said it would be too weird and that he didn't think she would feel comfortable either. I could demand it but I haven't yet. I think if this continues, I may just have to.

Nataliam1976, the second time he just deleted his emails to her. The third time, he deleted all his outgoing mails in a 2 week period. I checked and he has never deleted emails like this before. He'll only delete spam emails.

nycfashionlvr, I have had a long discussion with him on those 2 times I confronted him. I feel like if I bring it up again it would go nowhere. He can keep telling me it's a completely platonic relationship but I don't completely believe it. He may even started deleted her emails and I won't know.

Spendaholic, thank you for asking your husband for his point of view. No, things haven't changed for us sexually. In fact, everything is pretty much the same.

[SOLIDGOLD2]

Terrible to feel like you can't trust your husband. What catches my attention is why did he have to lie to you, he knows your trusting so whatever he tells you i assume you would believe. he knows your not jealous so even if he did tell you up front right away I dont think you would have a problem.

Even if he didn't bring up meeting her the first time but you asked him why didn't he say "oh you wont believe who im having lunch with" something along those line and then tell you.

Now he's deleting his emails- he knows you have access to them.

something doesn't have to happen to lose trust- once you have suspension trust is lost
please keep us posted.

For now like others have suggested lay low keep your eyes open to things- if you see him get dreesed in the morning check out his underwear, when he gets home is it the same. Some might find this gross BUT smell it does it smell off? A woman knows how her mate smells and if he has has sex and didn't wash up you will smell it

keep us posted

[dallas]

I don't get it. He says it's a completely platonic relationship but he is secretive about it and in my book if he has nothing to hide, he should hide nothing. He knows you are not a crazy jealous wife and yet it's like he is testing you.

As for his concern over her being uncomfortable if you met, why would he give a fat rats bum about her comfort? He says meeting would be weird, well, who created this weird situation? He needs to step up and sort this out.

I know the advice here is to sit back and watch, but I fear that will make you crazy. I would make my feelings on this very clear, tell him you are uncomfortable and you think it's weird and you want it to stop.
Good luck.